Filed under: Depression, Insight, love | Tags: Changing, Depression, Drew, fear, Relationships, Sad, self, tears
Wow. These last couple days has been a roller coaster ride. I don’t know how I feel anymore. On monday Drew told me that we would never be together, that he is in love with someone else. Honestly, I was crushed and I still am, but it’s like part of me feels kind of releaved. Like I said, the thing that got me the worst was when he told me that I would have to get over the fact that I wouldn’t have him forever, that I COULDNT have him forever. I feel like in some way, this is a good thing to hear. I feel like this is finally the closure that I have been looking for. It’s taken me so long to let him go and now I feel like he is kind of letting me let him go. He is saying that it’s okay.
I feel like this is almost the way of life telling me that I can have more after him. It’s saying that maybe he isn’t right for me. My whole life, I have been so scared of losing people that I don’t let people go…at all. I HATE when people leave so I simply can’t think of me leaving someone. I think the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do was break up with someone when I knew he was in love with me. I can’t stand the thought of breaking someones heart. When I talked to Drew it always seemed like I was so in love with him and he was in love with me, but maybe now that I look at it, I was in love with him and he loved me, but wasn’t IN love. It hurt so bad when he said that he loved her simply because she is like 15 and he has known her for a year. How could he love her and not me….? He said he cares though and part of me def believes him…
I just feel like I am moving into another stage in my life where I can finally move onto something new. I mean, he is missing out because he is never going to find someone who will love him like I do. He will never find someone who is going to put up with the stuff that I put up with. I am amazing and he is missing out. I am amazing.
I feel like this is coming at a good time too. This means I can take senior year and work on me and really enjoy this. I now vow to love me before I fall in love with another boy. On monday I felt like I wanted to die and I swore to myself years ago that I was never going to think like that again. I’m not going to break promises to myself anymore. This is a new chapter for me. A good chapter.
Filed under: Depression, love | Tags: Drew, Emotions, fear, life, love, tears
I ended up seeing him yesterday. I had fun in someways… but his best friend, James, is the bestest asshole ever.
I left in tears.
We had sex.
James texted me and told me Drew said “hit it and quit it”
I don’t feel like breathing, being alive.
I am hoping that this is all bullshit and James is an asshole.
I don’t see him again until next weekend.
Filed under: Friends, Insight, random | Tags: Blame, Chem, Friends, Insanity, Michael, serial killers, Sorry, Sunshine, tears, Wesley, Wishes
I wrote this a few days ago in AP Chemistry class:
“Never in my life have I felt the way I do now. I feel like nothing in life is making sense anymore and nothing even happened that could possibly confuse me. I had a complete meltdown today in Chemistry class becuase I don’t understand what I am learning. Not only to I usually NEVER have a difficult time learning things, nothing seems to be going to way I want it to lately. The guy that I am crazy about has NONE of the feelings I have. It seems that the older I get the more I realize that things aren’t easy for me”
I can’t deny that this is how I feel kinda still. It seems that no matter how hard I try now… nothing seems to go the way I want it to. Sometimes, it may seem like things are falling back into place for awhile and then something comes along that ruins it all over again. It’s just become really hard to think and be who I want to be because I seem to be upsetting so many people by being me. Michael told me “be Janelle Ainsley Moulding” when I said that I didn’t know who to be around him. It makes me like him even more. He really is an amazing guy and I can’t imagine how these last couple years would have gone if I did not know him. He is one of the reasons I enjoy going to school. He makes me so happy that when I am around him, I can’t help but smile. He really is the shinesun that helps light up my day… I know it’s corny, but it’s true.
This brings me to Drew. I can’t stop thinking about him and I don’t want to anymore. I know that he isn’t really the one for me, but it seems like part of me still wants him to be. I don’t know why I keep trying… I think that he just has a lot of growing up to do before he can really love me the way I deserve. Atleast, I realize that it’s him who was in the wrong and not me. I am trying to get to a point where I don’t think that everything is my fault. I usually do and I have for a really long time. It’s something that I have to work on. I feel like such a hypocrite sometimes because I tell Wesley to stop saying sorry all the time, but I can’t stop blaming myself. For some reason, I think that it is okay for me to be blamed, but not for her. She really is special to me :]
Also, I have come to believe that I really am becoming insane. I hear people saying my name ALL THE TIME. I hear whispers telling me horrible things. I think about Serial Killers, A LOT. I’m starting to think that there is nothing wrong with murder… There are just too many things that make me feel emotionally unstable.
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: Depression, desire, love, sadness, tears
I don’t know what it is. Everyday I seem to fall deeper into this thing. I don’t know what it is. I don’t know if it’s normal teenage shit. I don’t know whether or not it’s actual depression. I don’t know if I’m actually bipolar. I just don’t know. Everyday I feel like shit. I try not to show it because I don’t want people to sit there and bother me with all the “what’s wrong?”s. I seem to want to cry all the time…but I have nothing to cry about. I don’t have some sort of deathly disease. I don’t have no friends. I have a life. I’m just so confused all the time. I think that a lot of the time I just want to feel loved and no one can seem to give enough. I want to scream and cry and punch and let it all out, but I don’t know what I’m letting out. I don’t know what I’m so sad about. I don’t know what I’m so angry about. I’ve been thinking about my past lately. Mainly Drew. I can’t get him out of my mind. I know that I was done with him. I was done crying over him and all the things that happened. I miss his touch and the retarded things that he said. I tried calling and everytime he wasn’t home. I found out that he ran away from home a little while ago. His dad hits him. I knew that, but I didn’t know that it was THAT bad. He never had bruises. I just can’t stop thinking about that letter that I sent him. I just kept telling him that I wanted him to always feel like he could talk to me…and that I would always be there for him, but I don’t think he gets it. I would do ANYTHING for him. I really do love him. I just haven’t felt the same joy that I felt when I was with him. I felt so warm and complete when I was with him. I wanted him to be my everything. I thought that I was going to be with him for a long time. I wanted my first time be with him. I wanted him to hold me when I went threw all the things that made me cry. Everytime I go through somthing that makes me want to cry I think of him and I cry even more. I want him to be the guy that makes me feel better. If I could I would drop everything and every guy to be with him. Yet, I get so mad. I don’t want to love him anymore. I don’t want to feel the emptiness anymore. I want to live and be happy with it. His love is tearing me apart. I want him forever.
