Filed under: Depression, Insight, love | Tags: Changing, Depression, Drew, fear, Relationships, Sad, self, tears
Wow. These last couple days has been a roller coaster ride. I don’t know how I feel anymore. On monday Drew told me that we would never be together, that he is in love with someone else. Honestly, I was crushed and I still am, but it’s like part of me feels kind of releaved. Like I said, the thing that got me the worst was when he told me that I would have to get over the fact that I wouldn’t have him forever, that I COULDNT have him forever. I feel like in some way, this is a good thing to hear. I feel like this is finally the closure that I have been looking for. It’s taken me so long to let him go and now I feel like he is kind of letting me let him go. He is saying that it’s okay.
I feel like this is almost the way of life telling me that I can have more after him. It’s saying that maybe he isn’t right for me. My whole life, I have been so scared of losing people that I don’t let people go…at all. I HATE when people leave so I simply can’t think of me leaving someone. I think the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do was break up with someone when I knew he was in love with me. I can’t stand the thought of breaking someones heart. When I talked to Drew it always seemed like I was so in love with him and he was in love with me, but maybe now that I look at it, I was in love with him and he loved me, but wasn’t IN love. It hurt so bad when he said that he loved her simply because she is like 15 and he has known her for a year. How could he love her and not me….? He said he cares though and part of me def believes him…
I just feel like I am moving into another stage in my life where I can finally move onto something new. I mean, he is missing out because he is never going to find someone who will love him like I do. He will never find someone who is going to put up with the stuff that I put up with. I am amazing and he is missing out. I am amazing.
I feel like this is coming at a good time too. This means I can take senior year and work on me and really enjoy this. I now vow to love me before I fall in love with another boy. On monday I felt like I wanted to die and I swore to myself years ago that I was never going to think like that again. I’m not going to break promises to myself anymore. This is a new chapter for me. A good chapter.
Filed under: AWESOME, Insight, love | Tags: Amazing, Bradlee, Changing, Emotions, life, self
You know how sometimes people say rather small things that make a huge crash on certain people. I just read one of the blogs that Bradlee wrote on the Party Like Summer Myspace an I feel like my soul has been ripped out and typed by someone else. I just want other people to read it too. He wrote:
“I woke up this morning and there was a piece of paper on my floor.
Scribbled on it just two words, “don’t worry”.
I’m not sure exactly when, or if, i wrote this.
But i do know it bugged me a ton.
I thought about those two words all day and came to this conclusion;
Sometimes it seems as a society we spend far to much time worrying about silly stuff.
We tend to over look life’s little beauties because were so wrapped in all of the drama.
Every little thing that we do from switching on a light switch and having the light turn on,
to taking a deep breath and the air around us having just the right amount of gasses for our lungs to filter it thus giving our bodies essential oxygen.
All these things are tiny little miracles that should bring us a ton of joy, but we overlook because were too busy worrying.”
Filed under: Depression, school | Tags: Depression, fear, Holding Hands, Rejection, Sad, school, self, Travis
Today was a really hard day. Today was a day of a lot of tears. Today was a day that I almost wish had never happened. The things that defined today:
- I went to school looking like a freak (dressed up as Marilyn Manson for spirit week)
- People at my school are ignorant.
- I didn’t feel well.
- I was waiting for the cast list of the fall play to be posted.
- I didn’t make it.
- I spent most of sixth hour/seventh hour/after school crying.
The only glimmer of hope within my shitty Pandora box day was Travis. I was at his locker and started bawling my eyes out. He puts his hand on my shoulder and tells me that everything is going to be okay. Then I was like, oh yeah, and theres this guy that I like and he won’t hold my hand because of something that I couldn’t control. He grabbed my hand :]] He really does make me feel special and I wonder whats going to happen in the future, especially with Drew coming home soon.
Well, it’s late. I have school tomorrow. I’m going to be a Jedi for magician/clown day by wearing my Snuggie :]
Filed under: Friends, Insight, love | Tags: Emotions, fear, feelings, life, love, Rejection, self, Travis
Everyday we make choices that effect us, mostly mentally in my case. I CHOOSE to get dressed in the morning. I CHOOSE to eat lunch. I CHOOSE to go to tennis practice. I am not forced to do anything. How is it that I tend to make such bad choices then. Most of the time, I wear shorts in the cold, I eat a lunch that isn’t so healthy, and I don’t work my hardest at tennis practice. These things don’t register as something super life changing, but what do I do when these bad descion making skills come into something more important… like my body.
I clearly don’t have the best past with my body. I’ve done everything under the sun to basically hurt it. I have smoked, I’ve had sex, I have a tattoo, I have 8 peircings, I used to cut myself, and I eat when I don’t feel well. Everything in this makes it seem like I shouldn’t be allowed to make my own choices. Maybe I shouldn’t… Why is it that I’m saying this now though?!?!?! I’m about to be a senior in high school and I’m saying that I shouldn’t be able to make my own choices. Things like this are what really do make me think I’m a little bit crazy. Well, maybe a lot crazy.
Who I am isn’t something that can be handled my most people. It takes a strong person to love me for who I am. It takes someone amazing to take me for my flaws. Maybe that’s why I am so upset, so alone. I am so scared that I will never find someone who can really love me like I need to be loved. I’m so open to finding someone, I really am. I have been hurt so many times, but somehow I still open back up to people. I don’t know. Maybe thats what it is… I am TOO open, it scares people.
Like Travis, I think I scare him. I think that I am too intense for him. He is young, he doesn’t need someone like me. I want to be with him and I want to fall in love, but he doesn’t. We are in two different places.. do I leave him alone then? Do I wait for us to be on the same page? Do I hold off on finding someone who is already at the same place as me?
I’ve said it so many times, I just want to be happy. Travis makes me happy… sometimes.
Filed under: Friends, Insight, love | Tags: Emotions, fear, feelings, guys, life, Lost, self, Travis
It seems that everyday it’s harder to wake up in the morning. It seems that everyday, I want to go to school less and less, tennis less and less, home less and less. All I want to do is be around people that love me, people that care. Right now, it seems that my life has become routine and nothingness. I do the same thing everyday…
Wake Up.
Go to school.
Tennis Practice.
Go Home.
Thats all I do… the wild factor in my day is if Travis will be nice to me today. You know, sometimes he does the sweetest things, but somehow they manage to make me cry. He left me about 50 minutes of Voicemail when my phone was off. It was adorable that he spent that much time, just to make me giggle, but then there was ONE voicemail. It was really mean, he said that he hated me, that he never wanted to talk to me again, that I was a bitch. All I could think as I was listening to it was that my world was coming crumbling down. I cried…. and listened… and cried… Then, in like the LAST 30 seconds, he said that it was all a joke, he didn’t mean any of it. I was stunned. Then I listened to the next voicemail where he said that he was sorry again, that we were best friends and that he would never say anything mean about me. I have to wonder though… if he didn’t mean any of it… why would he even THINK it?
It’s like drunk people. They say what they honestly think when they are drinking. He felt that he could say whatever he wanted when he was “joking”.
It just hurt knowing that someone that I care about sooo much could even have these thoughts in his head let alone SAY them TO ME. He is about 120 feet from me and all I want to do is be around him. I want him to talk to me like I really am his best friend… like he trusts me with his feelings…
I don’t know what to do about myself and my feelings anymore. I am making tiny meaningless words into epic essays.
Filed under: Alcohol, Friends | Tags: Alcohol, feelings, Food, Friends, Krissy, school, self
I am sitting in a college dorm right now. The college dorm belongs to my VERY VERY good friend, Sarah. I love her to bits and pieces and I can’t imagine high school without her. She made my freshman year one of the best freshman years a girl could wish for…. Ahhh the times 
Last night is also a time to add to the books. Yes, this is another blog about getting really drunk at Michigan State. The only bummer is that I didn’t get to have chinese take out at like three in the morning. I don’t even think I was awake at three. I don’t even know what time we left the party, or when we went to Renzo’s dorm, or when I got to Sarah’s dorm. All I know it that I threw up at all three places. Not nice. I didn’t like it all, but heyyy, that’s what I get for chugging so much alcohol in like an hour or two.
I’ll finish this later because I have to go have iHop :]
Oh, I also love Krissy. Yesterday, she did what a best friend does and it makes me see how lucky I really am to have her in my life. She’s there for me when I need her and for that I will be forever greatful <3
Filed under: Friends, Insight, love, random, school | Tags: feelings, Friends, guys, life, Michael, Relationships, self, Travis
I just got home from Footloose rehersal and I came to the realization that I am actually really annoying. I’m sure that’s why Michael never liked me, because I annoy him. I more than likely bother many others, just no one wants to say anything to me. It’s nice that no one wants to hurt my feelings, but you would think that atleast ONE person would tell you that you are annoying right? I was walking around today following Michael because I had nothing better to do. I don’t know why, but I really like being around him. He is a cool guy. I don’t know. I was being stupid. I am know that I don’t like him like THAT anymore, but it’s hard to stop acting like I do… I am so used to being protective and clingy that it comes second nature when I am around him.
The other thing that is hard is acting like knowing that he likes someone isn’t bothering me. He likes someone. I don’t know what it is about those words that cause me to freak out. I think it was the trying so hard and him never liking me back part. I just want to be like what does she have that I don’t? Is it because she swims? Is it because she sings? Is it because she is mixed? Come to think of it, she almost sounds like the female version of Michael. Maybe that was it… we didn’t have enough in common? I don’t know… I’m not stressing about that anymore. It didn’t work and that’s fine because it brought me to Travis, which no matter how big of a douche he is, I will NEVER regret the time I spend with him.
He really has been being a douche bag lately though. I don’t know why, but he won’t hug me. He always comes in as if he is going to hug me and that pulls away and won’t. It actually makes me really mad. He sees that I still like him, he knows that I am willing to give him time and space, he knows that I would do anything for him and he honestly uses that. Last wednesday I had a meeting after school and he knew that, but he was waiting for swim practice to start and he had no one to wait with so he called me. He knew I would do exactly what I did, come running. I did too. I ditched my meeting and said that I had to leave, went down to the pool, waited with him and ended up staying for practice.
That practice was really fun though because I pushed him in the pool :] SOOOOOOOOOOOO worth getting soaked, going outside, and getting larengitis……….. I have to go change for tennis practice now. Peaceee.
Filed under: Friends, Insight, religion | Tags: fear, feelings, life, Michael, questions, religion, self
Well, the religion thing has come back. For awhile, it was all I could think about… Is there a God? Is there a heaven or hell? Then… I didn’t really think about it often. This is just something that I want to be done. I want to be sure. I want to believe in something, whether I understand it or not… I just don’t want something like this to rule my life.
The person that has for sure been there for me the most during all of this is Micheal for sure. He is the only person that is willing to explain things to me and flat out tell me that even he doesn’t understand it completely. What hit me the most was when he said that the God isn’t something that is meant to be understood. I think I like that. There is a God because there is? My first reaction is to deny because for so long I have been searching for proof…. something SOLID to believe in.
The more we talk about it, the more my views change. I went from not believing AT ALL, to know… thinking that I might have been wrong.
What people don’t get is that he explains things differently so that I can understand them. I don’t want people to get upset because they think that I am saying that they haven’t helped in my journey. That’s not what I am saying at all. I am just saying that out of everyone, he seems to be the least biased and helpful in the whole thing.
Filed under: Insight | Tags: Changing, confusion, fear, feelings, life, questions, random, self, Travis
Yeah, I’m pretty sure that I don’t like living all that much. I feel like it’s hard to get through everyday without wanting to breakdown over the littlest things. I think all those years are therapy is what screwed me up, not fixed me. I am so sick as seeing life as a project and something that I need to work on and improve rather than something I am meant to enjoy. Maybe that’s why I don’t like it… maybe it’s because I’m not living it the way it was meant to be lived. I need to chill out man. I need to breathe. I need to stop it all and take it in.
Everyday it feels like something new goes wrong though. When things go good for once, there is always something missing. Travis is talking to me again, BUT he won’t hold my hand or e-mail me. It’s not the same. I really wish I could go back to the beginning with him and not fuck it up. I was sooo into him that I didn’t realize when I was beginning to drown him. I couldn’t see that he was in over his head because I didn’t want to. I wish I could start over with him, fix it all. Fix the relationships in my life instead of the life itself.
That’s what I should do…. Chill, rethink, relax, repair.
Filed under: Insight, random | Tags: Blame, Changing, confusion, fault, feelings, fixing life, life, questions, random, self
I wonder if there is a way that everything around you can change, but you remain the same. Or is change enivitable? Is it something that is bound to happen because that’s just how life is? Or is there a way to stop it from happening?
You know when you meet a new person? Is there a way that that person can become part of your life without them rubbing off on your somehow? Is your personality and how you based on who you surround yourself with? If so, is everyone around you really no one? Does that mean that no one really is themselves? Am I not Janelle? Am I just a mixture of who my friends are? BUT, they are a mixture of who they are around. God, that means that I’m not who I thought I was AT ALL. Who I am is based on a billion and seven people that I have never met.
Why do I doubt myself so much? How is it that nothing is how I think it is? Why do I ask so many questions? Honestly, I think it is because I am looking for so many answers in life and I feel like I haven’t found any of them yet. I don’t know anything. I feel like I am smart, but when it comes down to the real world, I don’t know a damn thing. This is were I make a pact to learn. To start paying attention to the world around me and take it all in for once. I feel like I try so hard to understand everything, but something blocks it. I know that it’s me. It’s me that is stopping me.
I haven’t blogged about this before. I have written about how unhappy I am and how something inside of me is causing it. That my “mental state” is causing it. I don’t think that anymore though. I am willing to accept my mistakes. I am willing to accept who I am and that sometimes, when things go wrong, it is my fault. It is MY fault. I blame myself a lot, but I never really accept it. I just don’t want someone to blame themselves for something I don’t think is their fault so regardless of it being my fault or not, I take the blame. I need to start taking the blame for what is ACTUALLY my fault.
I just need to start living life instead of playing some side part in my life. How is it that I can say these things sooo many times, but never actually change what is wrong. I have said ALL of this before. I need to stop saying and start doing.
