Filed under: AWESOME, Insight, random | Tags: Amazing, feelings, Friends, guys, happy, life, school, Travis
Travis told me to write a new blog so I think I will. This week has been kind of okay. I wasn’t feeling that well on monday or tuesday, so on tuesday I didn’t go to school. I talked to Bradlee all day though :] He is someone that is so awesome. I don’t know what is going to happen with him. He is in a band. Their name is Party Like Summer and the music is super amazing! I’m going to his show in Lansing on sunday night. I am excited to see him <3 Bradlee Meredith is simply amazing… I don’t know what else to say.
I miss Krissy :[
Life is kinda okay now. Drew comes home for good either today or tomorrow. I hope that things work out with us. I’m not willing to let go of him, but I don’t know anymore. I had this really long talk with Grace last night. It was really nice. We talked for like 3 hours after everyone else left Bible Study. Last night was a good time <3
People are pissing me off right now. No one is listening to me. I am at set crew and people don’t listen. They don’t do what they are supposed to do and to top it of, they are loud as FUCK.
I am soo close to being done with this shit. If this wasn’t such a huge part of my life and I didn’t love it so much, I would have been done sooo long ago.
I love Clyde right now :] He is my savior. When no one wants to listen to me he comes in and kicks ass. I don’t know what I would do without him most of the time. He is the left to my right <3333
This boy Robert is reading what I am typing right now and he didn’t know that “<3″ was a heart… He’s kinda stupid, but he is a nice kid so I keep him around.
This weekend was okay. I’ll call or text you Kris.
Peace&Love
Filed under: AWESOME, Depression, Friends, Insight, love, random | Tags: Amazing, AWESOME, boyfriend, confusion, Drew, Emotions, fear, guys, life, school, Travis
Drew flaked on me. I guess to explain this, I should start from the beginning.
We have been talking the last couple weeks.
He asked for my number. I gave it to him.
He called me last night when I was at work, I called when I got off.
We talked for 3.5 hours until I was falling asleep.
Now it’s all caught up. We had made plans to hang out pretty much all day today. I was gonna spend the night at his house. I was looking forward to having him for the whole weekend :] Last night he told me to call him when I wake up, so thats what I did. We talk real quick and then he says hes going to go take a shower. Then he calls me back a little later and says that there is a major change in plans :[ He says that we can't hang out because he has to go do something with his mom and his other friend. I am really bummed and I know he feels really bad, but what can I do? Nothing. He promised me all next weekend <3 I think that I am going to bring to the football game. I don't know if it's a good idea though...because of Travis. I feel like real soon I am going to have to choose one. I don't want to, but I can't like both. They both can't be my love interest.
Krissy says that this is a sign, us not being able to hang out. I can't lie though and say that part of me doesn't agree, but I can't really explain it. I can't explain in words how good it feels to hear him say "I love you".
I feel like in a lot of ways I compare Drew and Travis and I know it's wrong but I can't help it. It's like they have what the oppisite doesn't. Drew has my heart. Travis has my friendship. Drew has the years of past. Travis has the everyday. Drew has the deep stuff. Travis has the fun stuff. Drew was there in a tough time. Travis is there now. I don't know. I just feel like in the end, Drew is going to win out for my heart. I also think this is because Travis doesn't really seem to want my heart. He keeps trying to hook me up with other people, always girls though. Travis is honestly one of my best friends.
This is hard. I am looking still looking forward to this weekend though :] I am going to the movies with Nada, Nora, Jade, Anthony, and some of his friends. We are going to see Paranormial Activity :] Tomorrow morning I have church and I think I might be working sunday during the day. Then I have youth group on Sunday night.
Oh, about Senior Highs… I feel like I need to try harder to be quiet. A lot of the time, I have a problem with self control. I need to learn when it’s okay to talk and when it’s not. I don’t want Grace to think that I am disrespecting her when I talk a lot.
Future Shows I plan on seeing:
Party Like Summer – Nov 6 in Lansing
NeverShoutNever – December 12 at the Filmore <3
Filed under: Friends, music, school | Tags: Amazing, Friends, Homecoming, love, school, Senior, Set, Travis
I just got home. I did a lot of shit today at school. It was pretty good though. I finally saw Travis. He wasn’t at school yesterday. I found out this morning that it was because his great grand dad passed away. I feel bad, but he seems to be holding up well. I don’t want to see him upset. I think thats why most of the time, I just do what he wants. I know that it’s not always the smartest thing, but I know that I want him to be happy and if that means going along with him than to me, thats fine. I don’t see the harm in it. I had set crew today after school too. It was fun, I’ve missed set. Bad part, we have to cut a billion and seventy leaves. Good part, I’m stage manager :] After set I came home for like two seconds, grabbed a book that Travis needed and went back to school. I know it sounds weird. but I love watching him play. I think it’s because he’s so good and because something with music in general connects so much with me. When he makes music, my heart stops.
HOMECOMING! Homecoming was Saturday. I had sooo much fun. It really is a good time. I love the dancing and everyone all dressed up :] I wish Travis had come with me, but he didn’t want to. What can I do? I can’t force him to so… I went with Melaysia :]]] We were looking beast <3 It was defidently a good final Homecoming.
I feel like Senior year is flying but then it’s crawling by. I feel like I’m not really trying as much as I should be either. I need to be studying more. I feel like I don’t really do homework, I come home most days and sleep. I have been really tired lately. I don’t know why… I don’t know. I just really want all As and right now, it’s looking like 4 Bs and 2 As. Not good enough.
I want to watch One Tree Hill on HuLu. I think I will. I like Drake :] I wish he wasn’t so with Lil Wayne.
Filed under: Depression, school | Tags: Depression, fear, Holding Hands, Rejection, Sad, school, self, Travis
Today was a really hard day. Today was a day of a lot of tears. Today was a day that I almost wish had never happened. The things that defined today:
- I went to school looking like a freak (dressed up as Marilyn Manson for spirit week)
- People at my school are ignorant.
- I didn’t feel well.
- I was waiting for the cast list of the fall play to be posted.
- I didn’t make it.
- I spent most of sixth hour/seventh hour/after school crying.
The only glimmer of hope within my shitty Pandora box day was Travis. I was at his locker and started bawling my eyes out. He puts his hand on my shoulder and tells me that everything is going to be okay. Then I was like, oh yeah, and theres this guy that I like and he won’t hold my hand because of something that I couldn’t control. He grabbed my hand :]] He really does make me feel special and I wonder whats going to happen in the future, especially with Drew coming home soon.
Well, it’s late. I have school tomorrow. I’m going to be a Jedi for magician/clown day by wearing my Snuggie :]
Filed under: Friends, love, school | Tags: Christopher, Drew, Friends, Krissy, life, love, Michael, school, Travis, Work
I should be doing homework right now.. I don’t want to though, I like sitting on the computer listening to music, downloading iTunes, printing papers for NHS, and writing a new blog. Ahh, the magic of multi-tasking. I feel like I have so much to say today, but not really.
“It takes guts to fall in love, but it takes nerve to go back to the one who broke you.”
It seems like everytime I turn around, I am making another mistake when it comes to love. I don’t know if it’s because I am so desperate to be loved or if it because I love so much that I can’t help myself sometimes. Lets see, boys I have loved…
Drew- Like I said before, I don’t really know what to say. I know that no matter what, I will always love him. I really think I will. He is one of the ones that broke me, the one that I have gone back to so many times. I don’t know if I am scared of going back anymore. He is someone I think about all the time. Honestly sometimes I feel guilty thinking about him. He is someone that is so special that I feel bad for having any bad thoughts. Its just like, he has hurt me so many times to always see him coming back as a positive. In the end, I know I love him.
Travis- He is someone that I love more and more everyday. It seems like things between us are getting better. He hugged me today. He holds my hand in the hall again (well kinda lol [long story]). A lot of the time when I am with him, I find myself wishing I was kissing him. I wish that he would just lean down and kiss me. He never does, but everyday I get the feeling that he just might. He won’t go to Homecoming with me though… I hope he comes to LaserTag on Sunday though. I love him, I really do. I’m not IN love. I’m taking my time with him. I have to.
Michael- This is the akward part. I know that I have been IN love with Michael, who, as you know if you read this a lot (which no one but Kris prob does) then you know that Michael is Travis’s older brother. He is someone that has helped me out a lot and for a long time, he was the one person that I wanted more than anything. I don’t have many problems with him. Slowly I am realizing that my feelings for him are more friendship than anything. He is honestly my BEST guy friend. We know almost everything about each other. He likes Abby…He told me today. I am kind of upset that it’s not me, but it doesn’t hurt quite like I thought it would. I thought I would be all dramatic, thinking my heart had been ripped out of my chest. I thought it kinda had when I first started to see that Mickey liked her. I just wanna him to be happy, I really do. Besides, minus our differences, I think Mickey could make her happy and they would honestly be suuppper adorable together. Oh Mickey, Alligator Food <3
Christopher- I love him. This is one of those things that I don’t know where I stand anymore. He is someone that I said I loved, but I don’t know if I did atleast not like that. He has been such an asshole to me, but somehow I always forgive him. He seems to think that I will always love him no matter what, but I don’t really agree with him. I just let him think that because it makes him feel good. He was in town the other week and when we had made plans to hang out, he completely blew me off. We haven’t talked to almost two weeks. I don’t know if he is someone that is good for me… He isn’t. He said he loved me and then took it back a week later.
Well, this has mostly been about boys… like they always are… Lol.
Hmm. School is going well. I am doing well in my classes I think so far. I work on friday night and am missing the biggest football game of the year :[ I like my classes and I am starting to make new friends.
Auditions for the fall play were yesterday and hopefully a cast list will be posted tomorrow morning. I really hope I make it. I want the role of Anna Trumball. She is the hippie of the play :] I don’t know what I will do if I don’t make it. This is my senior year and all I wanna do is have a lead role, boost my gpa, and get into NHS. Ohhhh. I have to tape my interview on Monday…. @ 3:35.
Guh. Anthony just texted me… He is causing so much drama in my life right now. All I need is more girls talking about me and saying I’m a manstealer… thats just F***ing great :///
Church is going amazing by the way. Sunday is now the one day of the week I always look forward too, even getting up early for church <3
P.S. I miss my Bestestest Friend in the whole world, Miss Krissy right now. SOOO MUCH. Iloveyou. I’m gonna text you right now. Did I tell you about Drew? Oh shiz….
Filed under: AWESOME, Concerts, Family, Friends, Insight, random, religion, school | Tags: Boys, Changing, Friends, Krissy, life, love, random, school, Travis, Wesley
Well, it has been almost a week since my blowup/meltdown on wordpress. I think that I dealt with the suspension just fine, but I also know it’s something that I don’t want to deal with EVER again. One time is enough, Thank you :]
Hmmm… Let’s see whats been going on with me. It’s been awhile since I did a post that it just like an update forum.
Boys: Well, Travis is pretty amazing :] His birthday is on Thursday and I think I am more excited about it than he is. I don’t know why, I just really like birthdays. PLUS, I happen to know that he is really going to LOVE his present <3 I can’t wait to see the look on his face! Other than Travis, the only other boy that is relationship material whatnotstuff is Anthony Jackson. He is such an asshole to me though… He sent me really weird texts this weekend. The thing that is the weirdest is that he was forwarding texts that I had sent him… and there were also some that OTHER people were sending him. Mainly his girlfriend Amber who HATES me, as much as she denies it, I know she does. I don’t know about him anymore though. He says that he likes me, but then won’t hang out with me when I invite him somewhere or takes hours to respond to a text. It just seems like he is a whole lot of drama that isn’t going to get much better if we were to actually date. Plus, I feel it would make it akward for Wesley if he dumped Amber for me. (Amber is on the dance team with Wes and they have already had their own drama.)
School: The school year is coming to an end and I am sooo pumped. I cannot wait to be a senior in high school and have that one foot out the door. Soon enough I will be in college!!!! AHHH!!! I have my two AP tests next week so this week pretty much, is going to suck. Some time this week I have to go to Carol’s house and help her. I have two games. I have to study. I am going to a concert on Friday. OAA Leagues is on Saturday. Mother’s Day is Sunday… this just sucks in general. BUT, after the stress of the AP Exams is gone, I only have four classes to worry about instead of six. I really hope that I do well on the AP Chem test. I want to prove to myself that I can do this. I think that this year really showed me how time SHOULD be spent, instead of how I actually DO spend it. I feel like I am going to fail the AP Chem test, but I know it is going to be my fault too.
Friends: Friends is pretty much the only front that has NO flaws. I love my friends and I couldn’t ask for better ones. Krissy is home for the summer and done with her freshman year in college :] Wes is on the dance team, likes a nice guy, and is going to do AMAZING on her APUSH test on friday :] (GOOD LUCK!!) Everything is pretty much going almost perfect with friends <3
God: I am doing really well and I feel like I am finding something to believe in that just.. feels right. I know that I have had my struggles, but everyone has right? I just know I can make it through. It’s something that I need to deal with IN me and it’s nice to know that I have so many people that care too. My friend Micah has really been trying to help me. He prays for me and he wants me to go to his church with him. I mean, I know that I like it at Northbrook A LOT, but it would be okay to go to someone else’s church ONCE right? Other than that, church is going amazing and I feel like I am finally starting to fit in there. At senior highs on Sunday, it was just me, David, Dani, and William. It was cool that I didn’t have Emily as that buffer and I was fine. I like that I am becoming one in my own there rather than someone that comes with Emily every week :]
I hate Mrs. Valentine more than words can describe right now. I have made it almost three years without having so much as a detention and now this bitchass ugly woman comes along and rights me up?!?!?!? I am now supsended for the next three days. Some kids would be happy because it’s like a long weekend, but I am soooo not happy about this at all. I am in two AP classes and the tests are in like two weeks. I am not prepared for my AP Chemistry test at all and now, I can’t be in class for three days. It is so fucking stupid.
Oh, and you know what I am supsended for? Using my phone in class. Me, out of all people, she chooses me to suspend for using my phone. People don’t even try and hide it in her class and they don’t get in trouble, but ME… I get written up. I am sooooo mad. I am trying to act calm though. I am a more or less calm person in general and I would like to maintain that persona.
Part of me wants to cry and part of me wants to like physically attack Mrs. Valentine. You can believe that I am going to give her sooo much attitude in class today though. YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT! She is such a bitch. Why is it that from year to year, my math classes get worse and worse?!?!?!? Even Mrs. Pickard never wrote me up. This is so fucking stupid. I wish I didn’t go to this stupid ass school.
I think she hates me for some odd reason. I kinda wanna say that it’s because I’m white. I HATE HER!!! She needs to shave…..
Filed under: AWESOME, Concerts, Friends, love, music, religion, school | Tags: AWESOME, Emily, Family, Food, Friends, Krissy, life, religion, school
This weekend was pretty damn amazing :] With the exception of having my phone stolen on Friday… I just checked at security too and no one turned it in. The people there kind of laughed at me when I said I thought someone would turn it in. Now I have to get a new phone… Oh well though… shit happens and I can’t change it now so why linger?
NOW TO SATURDAY! On saturday morning, I went to Golf and Tennis with Kathy and got my racquet re-strung. It looks soooo boss man. I have bright neon yellow strings now 
It goes great with the blue face and orange grip. I love that I can spot my racquet from like seven miles away… atleast I know no one could steal it now and then use it infront of me. While we were waiting, we went to Subway. This is when my mother became embarrassing, which she normally isn’t, and basically told Kathy our life story. Maybe not EVERYTHING, but she got close. Lets just say that Kathy now knows A LOT more than she did before….
After we dropped Kathy off my mom did some quick errands and we went home. I got ready and left like an hour and a half or so later…. I drove to Emily’s house and then to Northbrook for SoulFire. IT WAS SOOO MUCH FUN!!!! I never thought that God and Jesus and anything at church could be so enjoyable. There were games and music and cards and all that good stuff. Then we had a music packed worship led by Seven Glory and Bob. Bob is the youth director there…. he’s a cool guy. After the worship, Seven Glory had a concert and Em and I were jamming out. We didn’t even notice when Abby and Sara were gone. They weren’t as into it as Em and I were.
After the concert, Em asked if I wanted to spend the night at her house. Her mom said yes. My mom said yes. I went home after got some clothes and drove back to Em’s. I was really shocked that my mother let me take the car and KEEP it like all night/morning. I had a really good time at Emily’s house. We slept on the pullout couch and spent like a billion hours talking. We were up until four in the morning talking actually. Then we had to get up at like 8:30am for church.
I really did enjoy church though. At Northbrook they seem to make things fun, and… different… in a way I can understand it. I told my mom that I want to become a member there and both her and Emily said that I should take some more time and make SURE that it is the church for me before I make such a big commitment. It’s understandable, but I mean, I’ve been there before and I REALLY like it there. I don’t know.. I guess it doesn’t hurt to take some more time and be absolutely POSITIVE. After church, Mrs. S got us all bagels, but I had to leave right after I ate.
When I got home we had to leave again to meet Diane and Carol for Brunch. I had a lot of fun with them, I always do. They really are like my favorite family members. We went to Bob Evans and the omelette was SOOOOOOOOOO good. I wanted more. That too and the home fries were crazy good.
We went to Aunt Pat’s after and I slept. We went home. Mom and Bruce got into this really big fight when we got home. Mom was all like GET OUT and Bruce was all like FUCK YOU and it was just screaming and yelling and craziness. I locked myself in the bathroom until they were done. Then I went to sleep, got up, ate, watched tv, went back to sleep. I was a sleepy girl :]
OHHH. I got a new nose stud on Friday too :] It’s a peace sign and I am in LOVE with it.
I get to get a new phone though :] Hopefully a samsung Gravtiy like I want.
I can’t wait until Friday!!! I get to see Krissy!! I am going to Ann Arbor for Relay for Life so I’m spending most of the weekend there. I CAN’T WAIT!
NEXT WEEK IS SPRING BREAK! YAY! (Too bad all I’m going to do is play tennis because we have two-a-days Monday thru Thursday.)
Filed under: Friends, Insight, random, school | Tags: Emily, fear, feelings, guys, happy, Krissy, life, Melad, school, Wesley
All I can think about right now is the future. How much I want to go to college. How my idea of the future has changed so much in the last fews years… I’m still scared of the future, but I am more than willing to embrace it now. I feel like I am finally ready to live the life that I deserve. Here is the map for senior year.
SENIOR YEAR 2009-2010
- Go to as many sporting events as possible.
- Have a kick ass final homecoming.
- Work on GSA!
- Join some new clubs.
- Mantain atleast a 3.7 :]
- Get Senior Jersey : ” Disposable Teen” hehe
- Join NHS.
- Land a leading role in Fall Play.
- Be on singles for tennis.
- Be tennis captain for SECOND year <3.
- Be happy.
- Apply to all colleges early.
- Find a boy.
- Spend as much time as possible with Wes, Em, and Mel.
- Visit Kris more often.
- Have a role in the Spring Musical.
- Be ACTUAL member of youth group.
- Learn to play guitar.
- Go to Yale for Spring Break with Wes :]
- GET A JOB!
- Save money for Europe
- Have a bitchin time at Prom.
- Look AMAZING at Graduation.
- Grow hair out.
- Get a car?
- Get second tattoo.
- Do all the “senior” things…
Thats about it for right now. It seems like a good list. I have goals and I think that almost ALL of these are attainable. I can’t wait. I just don’t want to loose that motivation and drive to do this all. I also am a little worried that I am going to run myself ragged. I want to enjoy my senior year, not jampack it and let it run past me….
