Filed under: Depression, Insight, love | Tags: Broken, Depression, Halloween, Lost, love, Michael, Sad, Satanism, Travis, Wrong
Well, maybe rock bottom isn’t so bad. Maybe I will get used to this feeling… no doubt this has to do with Michael. He is the reason all I wanted to do yesterday, Halloween, was curl up on the couch and die. I did that more or less… I layed down and wacthed scary movies, drank hot coco, and cheered for the bad guy. I also found myself actually thinking as a satanist… I was in bed and I had a thought. “It is all hollows eve, the holiest of all days, and I am in bed by 11:40. Lame.”
Lately, one of the small pleasures I get in life is talking to Travis, Michael’s brother. He is adorable and a truely awesome kid… I mean young man. He likes saying that he is a “man”. I dont’ mind though because besides Wes and Kris, it seems like he is the only person who cares about me. Talking to him and seeing him has become a hgihlight of my day. He just makes me smile for no reason all the time. I went to the Choir Concert on thursday. I sat next to him and I know this is going to sound a little creepy, but I found myself watching him an awful lot. I can’t help but look at him and smile. It’s been a long time since I have felt this way. He is just so… real you know? He doesn’t put up a front when he is around me. He just is who he is. I dont’ have to try around him.
Reading that, it sure sounds like I like like him doesn’t it? Well, I can’t completely say that I don’t, but I am really really REALLY trying to push it out of my mind. I can’t like him. I can’t like him. He is 14. I am 16. He is a freshmen. I am a junior. He is michael’s brother for pete’s sake!!!! I can’t like him. I can’t like him. The more I say it though, the less I believe it. I have asked people and they think that it is okay. Two years is no big deal right? I mean… I am being a giant hypocrite. My last bf was 21… thats FIVE years. I am hoping that I just kinda have this feeling because he is like Michael, plus some more. He really does have all the things that Michael is missing. Besides, what’s wrong with liking him?… it’s not like I am in a relationship with him right? Hehe. I just remembered that he is probally going to read this and either 1, be scared, or 2, be scared and think I’m crazy. I would bet on both. Who knows, maybe I will be right for a change.
….took a break…
Well, I just got done talking to Michael and from the conversation I can say that he doesn’t like me. Maybe it is okay for me to blame myself. I know everyone is going to say that it isn’t my fault, but I know it is. There has to be something about me that he doesn’t like which makes it my problem. He really is a sweet guy, but I don’t know. All I can tell myself is that I am going to be better off by not liking him anymore.
I can’t just NOT like him though. I have spent so much time on him and the feelings I have for him that I really kinda don’t know what to do now. I don’t know if thisngs are going to change between me and him now, or if there is still going to be that unlying feeling present. I know I will get through this, but like I said in a previous… I don’t think that I am going to be okay.
I am so mad at myself for allowing myself to get hurt again. I know that I was putting myself out there by having feelings for him, but I didn’t think that it would hurt the second time around. I really did hope that it would work out and that I wouldn’t have to experience the pain of a broken heart again… I have no idea where to go from here, but hopefully I will get through this again and still be okay.
I really hope I will be okay… I don’t think so though. I can’t get through this on my own. Not again.
Filed under: Insight, Prejudice, Satanism, religion | Tags: Anton LeVay, Devil Worshipers, Nine Satanic Statements, satan, Satanism, The Bible, The Church of Satan, The Devil, The Satanic Bible
It seems that the more I think, the more I realize my entire life has been about me wondering and simply not knowing. I come to the realization more and more everyday that what I have come to believe and was raised to believe is a whole bunch of horse shit. The more I compare the Catholic Bible and the Satanic Bible, the more I realize that I have been living my life all this time to fit the wrong system. The practice of the Catholic religion is all about what is wrong and what you cannot and are not allowed to do. Satanism is about doing what is right for YOU and what you believe. It seems to me that Anton LeVay was a fucking genius and those who deny him are the ones who don’t know what Satanism is all about. I am so sick of people calling me a devil worshipper, when it’s simply not true. I would understand if it were, but it’s not. Satanism is not about worshipping the devil, it is about the principle Satan stands for.
In Satanism there are nine guidelines, also known as the “Nine Satanic Statements.” These are:
- Satan represent indulgence instead of abstinence!
- Satan represents vital existence instead of spritual pipe dreams!
- Satan represents undefield wisdom instead of hypocritical self-deceit!
- Satan represents kindness to those who deserve it instead of love wasted on ingrates!
- Satan represents vengence instead of turning the other cheek!
- Satan represents responsibility to the responsible instead of concern for psychic vampires!
- Satan represents man as just another animal, sometimes better, more often worse than those that walk on all-fours, who because of his “divine spiritual and intellectual development” has become the most vicious animal of all!
- Satan represents all of the so-called sins, as they all lead to physical, mental, or emotional gratification!
- Satan has been the best friend the Church has ever had, as He has kept it in business all these years!
It seems to me that these nine statements make a hell of a lot more sense than the fucking ten commandment. ALSO, I would like to point out and educate people that the satanist point of view is NOT the demonic point of view. There is no killing of babies or small animals in Satanism becuase the true satanist sees children and small animals the purest form of life and should therefore be cherished. I hope you have learned something from this blog.
I am not a Satanist… yet, although the more I learn and believe, the more I wouldn’t mind holding that Red Card when once I turn eighteen.
Filed under: Depression, Friends, Insight, love | Tags: Brother, Christopher, College, Disappointment, Friends, Hatred, Loser, Lost, love, Mr. Perfect, Satanism, Wicca
Well, it’s been awhile and everything in my life that could have gone wrong has. I found the perfect guy who wanted to be with me and it’s been fucked up. I haven’t hung out with the people I love most in awhile. My best friend has left me to rot in this shit hole called a town while she has wonderful adventures in college. I hate my brother, but that is nothing new… I have to go back to school soon and of course I am not prepared. I am once again confused about what I believe and what I want. I feel like I once again want to crawl into a corner and die. I just wish that so many things could be different.
Let’s start with the beginning. I found an amazing guy who wanted to be with me. His name is Chris B and he is truly amazing. He is 21 and sooo nice. He is hot and sensitive. The biggest thing that was a turn on is that he didn’t just want to fuck me. He wanted a relationship me and even asked me out on a date. I was sooo excited because my mom said that I could go out with him. Then once my brother found out that I was going on a date with him he FLIPPED OUT. I didn’t tell my mom that he was 21 because I didn’t want her to say that I couldn’t go out with him so I said that I didn’t know how old he was. Then when she got home she told me that I couldn’t go out with him and of course my brother sent out the forces. He had friends slap him up a bit. He had everyone tell Chris not to talk to me, but being as amazing as he is… he still did. He still wanted to see me and for once I thought that I had found that one guy that wouldn’t make me cry.
When I thought this I was thinking too soon. Last night I was talking to him about him coming over today and he was all game and then when I told him that I didn’t know if Bruce was going to be home he got all freaked out and told me that he didn’t want to talk to me anymore… that it “wasn’t going to work out” because he “valued life too much”. These are exact words. I couldn’t do anything, but cry then. That’s all I did for about an hour and a half. Now I am not talking my brother. I am done with him. I lost having a future with an amazing guy because of him and it’s the last time I am ever going to let him think that he can make decisions for me. He can’t even fix his own life. Who the fuck is he is to think that he can run my life!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Krissy has left the building. She has moved away. She has met new friends. She has a new phone. She has a new life. I’m in the past now… That’s just how I feel about that right now. I feel like when I talk to her now she has all these inside things with everyone else that I don’t know about. I feel like everything I ever had with her won’t be the same. WE wouldn’t be the same. I just want them to go back to how they were, but now I know that it can’t. Everyone has to move on with life and if her moving on means leaving me then I wish her the best of luck. I hope she knows that I will always love her though :]
I now have summer reading that I haven’t even finished reading and question that I only have ONE answer to. I should do it, but for some reason I keep putting it off. I go back to school in a week and something makes me want to hold on to summer. It’s not like anything good happened that makes me want it all back, but I kinda feel like it was wasted on nothingness. I just want it all back so that I can do something significant with the time I had.
Surprise Surprise. I am thinking about learning about being Pagan and Wiccan. I’m thinking that something in me wants to think that nothing but human controls the world, but I can’t seem to make it stick. I don’t think that I am going to convert to anything just yet, but I want to learn. I am still learning about Satanism and the more I read, the more I feel like I believe it. I was reading today about the Satanistic point of view on love. They believe that love is a special thing that should only be given to those that deserve it. It how I feel. I am sick of giving love to people who have shown me no reason to. I am just sick of getting hurt. I’m starting to have a different view on everything I ever thought. I’m starting to open up my mind.
Hopefully… some things in my life will change along with my mindset.
Filed under: Family, Insight, Prejudice | Tags: bible, Catholic, confusion, God, Minister, questions, Real, religion, satan, Satanism
I have gotten to the stage in my life where I am beginning to explore my spirituality. I was raised in the catholic faith, but as I have gotten older I have realized that that is not what I believe. I don’t believe in the Jesus was the son of god and died for our sins thing. I don’t believe in all the miracles that the bible says happened to all these holy people. I don’t do the whole everyone believing in the same exact thing. I also REALLY don’t do the whole live my life to makes some holy figure that I can’t even see happy. How do I even know that god is real? How do I know that all those prayers I said when I was little really get answered? Were they even heard?
This is where I have come to question faith. I don’t even know if I believe in God…. let alone HOW.I don’t know if I am agnostic, because I am not all that sure if I believe in God, but then it’s like am I Atheist? I don’t know. I know that I don’t believe in the Bible… I know that I don’t do the whole everyone do exactly the same thing all the time. The thing that makes me think it why are there so many things that are supposed to miricales that can be proven by other things. Not only science… Other religions. Why is it that everyone is fighting about religion when they are all more or less believing in the same thing. How is the Allah different from God? Why does it matter what you believe in to people so much?
I’m not trying to say to I am going to become a Satanist with this post. I am just trying to get some of the feelings that I have out. I am so sick of everything I do that is good in my life being thanked. Why is it that God gets all the credit when I do something amazing. But, why is it that God also is held accountable when something bad happens? When someone dies people always say that it was “God’s will”. Who says that he gets to decide when someone is ready to die? What makes this invisible “force” so powerful. I have thought about this and when I read it in the Satanic Bible it made so much sense. Man made God. Man invented God. Also, that we aren’t really created in the image of God. God was made in the image of the “perfect” man. We thank God for everything when it is really Man that should be thanked. This means that everytime we praise God or thank Him… we are really thanking the Man that invented God.
I have learned through experience that you can’t live with regret. You can’t live with guilt. In the Catholic faith they say that God will grant forgiveness if you ask… If forgiveness is so easy then why is it so sought after? Why does it really matter what we do if, in the end, we are going to be forgiven? I am sick of doing what I think will make someone else happy because the church is happy. I want to live my life to make ME happy… not everyone else in the general population. My biggest thing is… If I’m not hurting anyone, why can’t I do want makes me happy? If being gay makes me happy… why can’t I be gay? If having sex makes me happy… why can’t I have sex? If you really think about it, everything that most religions won’t let you are things that make you physically, emotionally, or mentally happy. Sex. Food. Lust. Anger. Revenge. Envy. Basically the seven deadly sins…
I think that I just need to take some time and evaluate what I really believe. I just really hope that my family will give me the chance. My mother is having a large problem with all of this. She feels that she is failing because I have rejected the Catholic faith… She was a minister and now her own daughter is reading the Satanic Bible. I can understand it, but I just want her to give me a chance. I just want to create myself to make me happy.
