Filed under: Depression, Insight, love | Tags: Depression, tears, Relationships, self, Drew, fear, Changing, Sad
Wow. These last couple days has been a roller coaster ride. I don’t know how I feel anymore. On monday Drew told me that we would never be together, that he is in love with someone else. Honestly, I was crushed and I still am, but it’s like part of me feels kind of releaved. Like I said, the thing that got me the worst was when he told me that I would have to get over the fact that I wouldn’t have him forever, that I COULDNT have him forever. I feel like in some way, this is a good thing to hear. I feel like this is finally the closure that I have been looking for. It’s taken me so long to let him go and now I feel like he is kind of letting me let him go. He is saying that it’s okay.
I feel like this is almost the way of life telling me that I can have more after him. It’s saying that maybe he isn’t right for me. My whole life, I have been so scared of losing people that I don’t let people go…at all. I HATE when people leave so I simply can’t think of me leaving someone. I think the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do was break up with someone when I knew he was in love with me. I can’t stand the thought of breaking someones heart. When I talked to Drew it always seemed like I was so in love with him and he was in love with me, but maybe now that I look at it, I was in love with him and he loved me, but wasn’t IN love. It hurt so bad when he said that he loved her simply because she is like 15 and he has known her for a year. How could he love her and not me….? He said he cares though and part of me def believes him…
I just feel like I am moving into another stage in my life where I can finally move onto something new. I mean, he is missing out because he is never going to find someone who will love him like I do. He will never find someone who is going to put up with the stuff that I put up with. I am amazing and he is missing out. I am amazing.
I feel like this is coming at a good time too. This means I can take senior year and work on me and really enjoy this. I now vow to love me before I fall in love with another boy. On monday I felt like I wanted to die and I swore to myself years ago that I was never going to think like that again. I’m not going to break promises to myself anymore. This is a new chapter for me. A good chapter.
Filed under: Depression, school | Tags: Depression, fear, Holding Hands, Rejection, Sad, school, self, Travis
Today was a really hard day. Today was a day of a lot of tears. Today was a day that I almost wish had never happened. The things that defined today:
- I went to school looking like a freak (dressed up as Marilyn Manson for spirit week)
- People at my school are ignorant.
- I didn’t feel well.
- I was waiting for the cast list of the fall play to be posted.
- I didn’t make it.
- I spent most of sixth hour/seventh hour/after school crying.
The only glimmer of hope within my shitty Pandora box day was Travis. I was at his locker and started bawling my eyes out. He puts his hand on my shoulder and tells me that everything is going to be okay. Then I was like, oh yeah, and theres this guy that I like and he won’t hold my hand because of something that I couldn’t control. He grabbed my hand :]] He really does make me feel special and I wonder whats going to happen in the future, especially with Drew coming home soon.
Well, it’s late. I have school tomorrow. I’m going to be a Jedi for magician/clown day by wearing my Snuggie :]
Filed under: Friends, Insight, random | Tags: Emotions, feelings, Michael, Opening up, Sad, Swim
(It’s old, I wrote it two days ago and I didn’t get to post it… so I am now. I hate having drafts.)
I feel like crying a little. I don’t know why, but hmmm… I went to the boys swim practice monday with Melad and it was fun :] I like me some Michael in jammers <3 He is so fucking sexy and I wish I didn’t like him sometimes. A lot of the time actually. Maybe I should spend time liking someone that I will actually have one day, not someone that doesn’t show emotions or let you in. I think that reason that I don’t want to let go is because I have already spent soo much time and the thing is, I have made progress. He is slowly, slowly opened up to me some.
I just don’t want to give up on something and then look back one day and wonder what would have happened if I had tried a little harder that maybe it would have worked. I don’t want Michael to be my first regret.
(Not letting go of him would have been the thing to regret)
Filed under: Depression, Insight, love | Tags: Broken, Depression, Halloween, Lost, love, Michael, Sad, Satanism, Travis, Wrong
Well, maybe rock bottom isn’t so bad. Maybe I will get used to this feeling… no doubt this has to do with Michael. He is the reason all I wanted to do yesterday, Halloween, was curl up on the couch and die. I did that more or less… I layed down and wacthed scary movies, drank hot coco, and cheered for the bad guy. I also found myself actually thinking as a satanist… I was in bed and I had a thought. “It is all hollows eve, the holiest of all days, and I am in bed by 11:40. Lame.”
Lately, one of the small pleasures I get in life is talking to Travis, Michael’s brother. He is adorable and a truely awesome kid… I mean young man. He likes saying that he is a “man”. I dont’ mind though because besides Wes and Kris, it seems like he is the only person who cares about me. Talking to him and seeing him has become a hgihlight of my day. He just makes me smile for no reason all the time. I went to the Choir Concert on thursday. I sat next to him and I know this is going to sound a little creepy, but I found myself watching him an awful lot. I can’t help but look at him and smile. It’s been a long time since I have felt this way. He is just so… real you know? He doesn’t put up a front when he is around me. He just is who he is. I dont’ have to try around him.
Reading that, it sure sounds like I like like him doesn’t it? Well, I can’t completely say that I don’t, but I am really really REALLY trying to push it out of my mind. I can’t like him. I can’t like him. He is 14. I am 16. He is a freshmen. I am a junior. He is michael’s brother for pete’s sake!!!! I can’t like him. I can’t like him. The more I say it though, the less I believe it. I have asked people and they think that it is okay. Two years is no big deal right? I mean… I am being a giant hypocrite. My last bf was 21… thats FIVE years. I am hoping that I just kinda have this feeling because he is like Michael, plus some more. He really does have all the things that Michael is missing. Besides, what’s wrong with liking him?… it’s not like I am in a relationship with him right? Hehe. I just remembered that he is probally going to read this and either 1, be scared, or 2, be scared and think I’m crazy. I would bet on both. Who knows, maybe I will be right for a change.
….took a break…
Well, I just got done talking to Michael and from the conversation I can say that he doesn’t like me. Maybe it is okay for me to blame myself. I know everyone is going to say that it isn’t my fault, but I know it is. There has to be something about me that he doesn’t like which makes it my problem. He really is a sweet guy, but I don’t know. All I can tell myself is that I am going to be better off by not liking him anymore.
I can’t just NOT like him though. I have spent so much time on him and the feelings I have for him that I really kinda don’t know what to do now. I don’t know if thisngs are going to change between me and him now, or if there is still going to be that unlying feeling present. I know I will get through this, but like I said in a previous… I don’t think that I am going to be okay.
I am so mad at myself for allowing myself to get hurt again. I know that I was putting myself out there by having feelings for him, but I didn’t think that it would hurt the second time around. I really did hope that it would work out and that I wouldn’t have to experience the pain of a broken heart again… I have no idea where to go from here, but hopefully I will get through this again and still be okay.
I really hope I will be okay… I don’t think so though. I can’t get through this on my own. Not again.
