Filed under: Depression, Insight, love | Tags: Changing, Depression, Drew, fear, Relationships, Sad, self, tears
Wow. These last couple days has been a roller coaster ride. I don’t know how I feel anymore. On monday Drew told me that we would never be together, that he is in love with someone else. Honestly, I was crushed and I still am, but it’s like part of me feels kind of releaved. Like I said, the thing that got me the worst was when he told me that I would have to get over the fact that I wouldn’t have him forever, that I COULDNT have him forever. I feel like in some way, this is a good thing to hear. I feel like this is finally the closure that I have been looking for. It’s taken me so long to let him go and now I feel like he is kind of letting me let him go. He is saying that it’s okay.
I feel like this is almost the way of life telling me that I can have more after him. It’s saying that maybe he isn’t right for me. My whole life, I have been so scared of losing people that I don’t let people go…at all. I HATE when people leave so I simply can’t think of me leaving someone. I think the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do was break up with someone when I knew he was in love with me. I can’t stand the thought of breaking someones heart. When I talked to Drew it always seemed like I was so in love with him and he was in love with me, but maybe now that I look at it, I was in love with him and he loved me, but wasn’t IN love. It hurt so bad when he said that he loved her simply because she is like 15 and he has known her for a year. How could he love her and not me….? He said he cares though and part of me def believes him…
I just feel like I am moving into another stage in my life where I can finally move onto something new. I mean, he is missing out because he is never going to find someone who will love him like I do. He will never find someone who is going to put up with the stuff that I put up with. I am amazing and he is missing out. I am amazing.
I feel like this is coming at a good time too. This means I can take senior year and work on me and really enjoy this. I now vow to love me before I fall in love with another boy. On monday I felt like I wanted to die and I swore to myself years ago that I was never going to think like that again. I’m not going to break promises to myself anymore. This is a new chapter for me. A good chapter.
Filed under: Friends, Insight, love | Tags: confusion, Drew, Emotions, Friends, guys, happy, Krissy, life, love, Relationships
What do you do when you thought that everything was going amazing and that something seems to throw in a wrench? I feel like this is whats happening. I love Drew. I really do, but sometimes I feel like I am the only one feeling it. I don’t understand why it’s so hard for him to just commit to me. To tell people that I am his “girlfriend”. I don’t even know what to say about him anymore. I can’t really call him my “boyfriend” but he’s not…nothing… I just don’t even know what to say anymore. I can’t give up. I can’t let go. I try to be okay with everything that he puts me through. He doesn’t hurt me on purpose… This is hard.
I hope I see him today.
Travis hugged me yesterday. He was leaning on the lockers and I came and leaned on him and he put his arms around me. It made me happy, but I feel it’s a little too little a little too late.
I love Kris and seeing her this week and spending time with her was amazing. I am soo gladd that she is happy. Pilot is a good guy and he makes her so happy. I am this lasts forever :] I never thought that I would be jealous of my best friend’s LONG DISTANCE relationship though…
Filed under: AWESOME, Family, Friends, Insight, love, music, religion, school | Tags: Changing, Christopher, confusion, Emily, Friends, Krissy, life, love, music, Relationships, religion, Travis, Wesley
Well, I haven’t blogged in awhile so I guess I’ll do an update because that the only way for me to get in everything to all those people that DON’T read this… Hehe. I wonder why I keep writing. I only know like three people that read this. Oh well.
Friends: Everything with them is GREAT! I don’t see Wes or Emily too much anymore, but we talk and hang when we can. Now that I think about it, I don’t think Wes, Emily, and I have all hung out together since school let out. Well, that’s something to add to the list of summer stuff. I haven’t talked to Melad in awhile and I think I might text her soon. I have been talking to and hung out with Amanda again. It was good to see her, it’s been some time. Side Note: Clayton got suppperrr hot. He is going to teach me to play the guitar as a trade off and I am going to help him with Algebra.
I hang out with Kris, Gabs, Sarah, Lorenzo and the whole gang whenever I can. Couple days ago we played kick the can and smoked Hookah on the roof of a strip mall. It was pretty amazing. Went to the mall with Krissy and Sarah yesterday. It’s random stuff, but still fun because it’s people I love being around. Ummm… Ron is back from California. He left because he didn’t feel he belonged in Michigan anymore. He was gone for about a month. Then he made his way back.It’s nice having him around again. He has a new job at Valvoline and it’s funnnnyyy.
I have been making some new friends too. I hang out and talk to the people from youth group quite a bit. It’s nice having OTHER friends to talk to sometimes. Just adding to the collection. Jordan is one of the people that I LOVE hanging out with. He is my age, going to be a senior at Groves. He swims and is super involved at school. He is just a chill guy he makes me feel good when I am around him. Another person I talk to and hang with is Stucky. He is a nice guy, going to be sophmore at Groves and to be honest, he is a giant pot head. I deal with it though. I don’t smoke with him so it’s whatever. Karly is the closest girl to me. She is like soo sweet. She is a cheerleader at Lasher and is going to be Senior. I love her :]]
School: IT’S SUMMER BABY!!! NO SCHOOL. ( I still have hella summer homework though :[ )
Work: I honestly LOVE my job. It's not that hard and I love coming to a place where I get along with the people. It's nice to have a payday too :] I get paid above minimum wage, I get paid in cash and I only work about two days a week. We have two cooks, they are both really nice people, but honestly I HAVE to say that working with Tony H is wayyy more fun. He is a sweetheart and kinda cute too ;] Lol. He is just such a nice guy that I’d rather work with him over Little Tony anyday… My boss is Gabby’s dad and he is soooo intense. He is like loud and will speak his mind no matter what. He did me a HUGE favor by giving me a job and I will love him forever :] He kinda a hard ass though. I don’t mind though, I respect him for it.
Boys: I’ve been a little rocky on this path. There have been so many issues and I don’t know where I left off.
Travis - I’ve only talked to him once since school let out. A 17 minute phone call. I miss him a lot I am not going to lie.
Christopher – I am done with that asshole. He broke my heart for the second time and didn’t give a shit. He said he was in love with me and then he didn’t want to be with me. I still loves me as a friend and wants in my pants. I don’t think so. Go find some whore in Arizona to mess with, I’m better than that.
Anthony – I’m not really quite sure what is up with me and him. He texts to see if I wanna hang and stuff, but it doesn’t seem like he really wants to. I don’t know. It’s just too shady for my taste.
Jordan – I really like him but I know I can’t do anything about those feelings due to the fact that he still has a gf and I’ve gone down that road before. It’s not a good one, no one wins, everyone gets hurt. For now he is just a friend and that’s all he is going to be until he is single and interested in me. The part that is so hard is like we have soo much in common and he is so easy to open up and talk to. He makes me feel like such an amazing girl, especially when he tells me so :] Which he has… I don’t know. I want to hang with him more than I do and it’s gonna be boss when we go to State together :]]]]]]]]]]]]]]
God – I have been blessed and now I can see how much HE has done for me. He is reason I am alive and living this amazing life. I know that sometimes I can lead myself into temptation and do things that I shouldn’t, but in the end, God is going to forgive me because he knows I am truely sorry. I used to be so scared that God would walk out on me because I do so much wrong and have given up on him before, but now I know that he never will. He will never give up on me. He sent me on Mission Trip to become enlighted and help people know his love like I do. Little did I know that Mission would have such an impact on me. It brought me so much closer to him and I am grateful beyond words for that. All I can do is pray that my relationship continues to grow and I don’t stray again.
Filed under: Friends, Insight, love, random, school | Tags: feelings, Friends, guys, life, Michael, Relationships, self, Travis
I just got home from Footloose rehersal and I came to the realization that I am actually really annoying. I’m sure that’s why Michael never liked me, because I annoy him. I more than likely bother many others, just no one wants to say anything to me. It’s nice that no one wants to hurt my feelings, but you would think that atleast ONE person would tell you that you are annoying right? I was walking around today following Michael because I had nothing better to do. I don’t know why, but I really like being around him. He is a cool guy. I don’t know. I was being stupid. I am know that I don’t like him like THAT anymore, but it’s hard to stop acting like I do… I am so used to being protective and clingy that it comes second nature when I am around him.
The other thing that is hard is acting like knowing that he likes someone isn’t bothering me. He likes someone. I don’t know what it is about those words that cause me to freak out. I think it was the trying so hard and him never liking me back part. I just want to be like what does she have that I don’t? Is it because she swims? Is it because she sings? Is it because she is mixed? Come to think of it, she almost sounds like the female version of Michael. Maybe that was it… we didn’t have enough in common? I don’t know… I’m not stressing about that anymore. It didn’t work and that’s fine because it brought me to Travis, which no matter how big of a douche he is, I will NEVER regret the time I spend with him.
He really has been being a douche bag lately though. I don’t know why, but he won’t hug me. He always comes in as if he is going to hug me and that pulls away and won’t. It actually makes me really mad. He sees that I still like him, he knows that I am willing to give him time and space, he knows that I would do anything for him and he honestly uses that. Last wednesday I had a meeting after school and he knew that, but he was waiting for swim practice to start and he had no one to wait with so he called me. He knew I would do exactly what I did, come running. I did too. I ditched my meeting and said that I had to leave, went down to the pool, waited with him and ended up staying for practice.
That practice was really fun though because I pushed him in the pool :] SOOOOOOOOOOOO worth getting soaked, going outside, and getting larengitis……….. I have to go change for tennis practice now. Peaceee.
Filed under: love, school | Tags: Emotions, Games, love, Relationships, Travis
I don’t know what I did. I don’t know what I can do. Brian said that Travis is avoiding me and it makes sense. I don’t know. He said that he wants to take it slower and just be friends for now and I am sooo cool with that, but it’s like, that’s how you treat friends? Ignore them? I didn’t think that taking it slower meant, not talking to me anymore. It’s just all so confusing and I feel like right now, I am more bi-polar than ever. In the morning, I am happy…sometimes… It’s just hard to not know how I am going to feel in the next five minutes.
I’m willing to wait for him, he is amazing, but I can’t handle the games. I can’t deal with another guy that strings me along. I know Travis isn’t like that, but I mean, he’s fourteen, he doesn’t know what he is doing. He thought that not letting me hold his hands by saying “No bitch no” was going to make me want him more. He gets info from guys that he thinks is “getting all the ladies.” I don’t want him to want all the ladies though… I want him to want ME. God, it all goes back to the Donnas doesn’t it? I want you to want me. John Tucker was right, life would be easier if it was a retro-pop song.
For now, all I can do is be open to him and let him take his time and figure things out I guess. Krissy said that she thinks, in the end, it will work out and I will get him. I hope so. Does positive thinking work when someone else does it for you???? Lol. I’m emotinally exhausted at the moment and all I want to do is sleep and wake up to a world were he realizes how much he loves me and wants to be with me as much as I want to be with him. I’ll wait for that day with the thought that it will come some time before… uhhh… I die? or graduate. I mean, I’m sticking around for college, twenty minute drive for here. I’d like if he was one of the reasons I stuck around :]
Oh, in case you didn’t get it… He isn’t my bf anymore. He is just a friend that likes me…
Filed under: AWESOME, Insight, love, music | Tags: happy, Jason Mraz, love, music, Relationships, Smile, Travis
Music has always played a role in my life. It is how I feel and when everything is crumbling it will always comfort me. It’s my rock.
Well, according to my music listenings as of lately, I am really happy :] I am listening to a lot of Jason Mraz which is really upbeat music. It is also really lovey. I really like this new finding <3 I have also realized that the music that is sinking into my mind and soul is so happy is because of that one kid, what is his name again? Oh yeah, Travis. He is simply amazing and even though we aren’t together, he is mine.
Also, because I go on Facebook so much, I tend to get stuck on bumper stickers a lot. Hehe. Doesn’t everyone though? I send Travis a lot of bumper stickers, but they are adorable. One said “Lets flip a coin. Head and I’m yours…Tails and you’re mine <3″ I can’t stop smiling and I hope I don’t anytime soon 
[I get to see Krissy and Sarah soon]… X-mas is in 12 days <3
Filed under: Insight, love | Tags: age, boyfriend, Brian, Dating, freshman, Friends, Girlfriend, Juniors, love, Relationships, TravieBoy, Travis, Using
Well, I talked to Travis today. I told him that I like him (which was already obvious) and asked if he liked me. He said yea, that he did. I had to ask if it was the way I liked him just to be sure. He said Yea, BUT…. You’re a junior, like my brother. I am soooo upset right now.
I want to look at the positive side which is that he likes me, but other than that I don’t see one. I have finally found this amazing guy that I really like, that likes me too, but doesn’t want to be with me. I know he said it’s the age thing, but part of me doesn’t believe him. I really think that the reason he doesn’t want to be with me is because he thinks that I still want Michael. I know no one believes me, but I don’t. I don’t want Michael. Being around Travis has made me see that I am chasing after… well, nothing.
I was chasing after Michael, who I thought was the perfect guy, because he was more or less something I couldn’t have. I don’t think it was the whole “I like the chase” thing, but more of like, I built him up to the point were I would never be good enough for him in my eyes, therefore I would never DESERVE him. I have wasted so much time on something that I don’t even think I really want anymore. Sure, he is a great guy and all, but what was I so worked up about? I did t he same thing with Drew. I wasted too much time on something that was neve really worth it all.
Also, his friend Brian is having an issue with this (Me and Travis). He either says that it’s illegal because he is younger than me, I am taking his best friend, I only like Travis because I think he is a “mini-Michael”, or that I am using Travis to get to Michael. All of these statements offend me. 1.) It’s NOT illegal, 2.) I would never try to take Travis from Brian, I don’t mean to and I always try to include Brian when we are all together, 3.) I don’t think that Travis is a “mini-Michael” at all. They are sooo different, and 4.) I would NEVER NEVER use Travis to get to Michael. I am not that desperate and I would never want to hurt him.
I just want to be with him you know? I just want to look at him and smile because I know he is…. well, mine… I want the cheesy shit like the “in a relationship with Travis” on facebook. When people assume we are together, I want them to be right. I want to be is girlfriend more than anything. I am done with all the bullshit games. I am being so serious right now. I just want him to be my guy, the ONLY guy I think about, the ONLY guy I’m with. I want him to be my ONLY one and I want to be his <3. I feel so happy when I am around him. I want to give him everything I have. I’m ready for a real relationship, not these crap ones. I just to make him happy.
I hope it all works out in my favor for once.
Filed under: AWESOME, love | Tags: Amazing, Friends, love, Relationships, TravieBoy, Travis
I like Travis. I want Travis. I am getting for Travis.
That is the end of the story :]
Okay… maybe it’s not, but right now HE is all that I can think about. I mean… why shouldn’t I want to be with him?
- He is amazing.
- He is cute.
- He holds my hand.
- He is smart.
- Half the school already thinks that we are together.
- His bestie thinks that we would be adorable together.
- Did I mention he is amazing?
At this point, he is what I want. I really do like Travis a lot. The only worries that I have are 1.) His parents and 2.) Michael. I already know that my mom likes Travis, but I also know that his parents would have an issue with me being older than him. I want them to like me more than anything. I talked to Joie and we came to the conclusion that all I can do is go for it and hope that they will grow to love me and just not care. The thing with Michael… well, that’s just complicated. If you read my blogs, you know why. I’m not going into that right now.
I just really like Travis and I want to be with him like… a lot <3
I love me some TravieBoy :]
Filed under: Friends, love | Tags: Changing, Drew, Friends, Happiness, Krissy, love, Michael, Relationships
I am starting to feel like I am missing something in my life. I’m not quite sure what it is, but I have had the feeling for awhile though. The only thing I can think of is that maybe something inside me is changing… not really missing per say. It does kind of seem like everything around me is changing though. I am getting to a point where I just feel different than I always have. I don’t know. I think I am feeling a lot better though. I am started to feel really… good… about life. I think that all that “think positive” crap that Krissy is always talking about might be working :] I feel like I have become a genuinely happy person now.
There are so many things that I could let damper my happiness though, but it is good that I am not letting them. The first and most important thing is that I don’t talk to Krissy anywhere near what I used to, but I am trying to see the positive side of it. I still do talk to her A LOT and she is the one that I always tell the most important things to first. We are still really close and that is all that matters. It nice to know that we can be apart for like two months and still be best friends. She is a highlight of my life and without her the last like three years would have been majorly horride. I love the girl and the distance is not going to kill me.
The second thing that could put a damper on the happiness is Michael. I love the kid and I think that because I have so many feelings for him, he has the ability to hurt me more than anyone. For some reason I don’t think he would though, but I don’t want to say that because that is exactly what i say about every other guy, and then he hurts me. I don’t know. Past relationships : Drew, Drew, Stephen, Drew again, some more Drew, Christopher and thats it. I know that the constant in this scenario is Drew, but i really think that I am over him. I know that I will always love him for the simple fact that he was there for me all those years no matter what. Also, for the fact that he was my first love, but I’m okay now. I read this thing somewhere and it said “sometimes you have to forget what you want and remember what you deserve.” That is kind of how I feel a lot of the time. I know that somewhere inside my heart, I will always want Drew, but I know what I deserve is so much better than him. I deserve Michael.
In the last couple days, with him being gone, he is simply all I can think about. When I listen to a song, he is what I think about. When I see something on televison that makes me smile, I think about him. I think that I am becoming a little obsesses with him… and that isn’t a good thing to me. I refuse to make someone my everything again. He is amazing though. I was worried that when he went to Louisanna, he would forget about me… well, not really forget me, but not think about me while he was gone. I am happy to report that my worries were useless. He sent me an e-mail saying that it was a bummer I wasn’t on because if I was, we could have talked all night. All I could do was smile and then be pissed off that the fucking internet at home is broken. DAMN THAT COMPUTER!!!
Anyway, life is going good. Krissy, I have one thing to say to you though… LLAMA!!!!… with a small penis.
JAM <3s MILK.
:]
Filed under: Insight, love | Tags: angry, bullshit, fake, feelings, pissed, Relationships
I am so sick of everyone. I feel like I did when I tried to kill myself. I feel like I no longer have reason to breathe. If I did then there is no way that I would be able to sit alone in a room for a half hour with no one saying anything to me when they walk by. I am not a legitimate person anymore. I am something that walks from room to room with pent up feelings. I keep letting all the anger build. I am mad that I keep letting all the petty bullshit get to me. I am mad that I am bothering to care enough to be mad. I am sick of all these things that people call “feelings”. This word is merely a way to pass the time. No one really cares about shit anymore.
People say that they care about things, events, other people. No one really does… If that was so I would not be in this rage. I am sitting alone in another room while more people hand out “feelings”. Kris HAS feelings for Mike… and Neil? If she had “feelings” for Mike then you wouldn’t be hooking up with his BEST FRIEND right in front of him. I know that he doesn’t care, but does that make it right? What were those “feelings” then? Obviously nothing important… I am sick of all this random hooking up. No one wants to care about another person…LOVE THEM???? Ha. How about random easy ass. I don’t know what she expects from him after this, but there better be no attachment. I love her to death. She is my best friend, but do I HAVE to agree with everything that she does? I don’t think so.
This is not just a rant about Krissy, there so more….
Emily has “feelings” for Pat…and Mike? It makes me sooo mad that in the limo on the way home from prom, she was talking about how much she liked Pat. Is that why your tongue is down MIKE’S throat right now? Oh yeah. I can really see the “feelings” flowing. Ugh. It’s all bullshit. She is basically trying to bring out of a HAPPY relationship so that she can get back the chance that she fucked up? I don’t think that tonsil hockey with Mike is going to help the cause.
I have feelings for Drew… There are no quotations because I know that it is real. I know that they are there. I am here at a after prom party and I haven’t done anything with anyone. I want to be with Drew and I am showing that because I’m not having some random ass hook up right now.
I am done with all the shit and everytime I think that I am done with it…a bullshit storm blows in.
Lucky me =]
