Filed under: Depression, school | Tags: Depression, fear, Holding Hands, Rejection, Sad, school, self, Travis
Today was a really hard day. Today was a day of a lot of tears. Today was a day that I almost wish had never happened. The things that defined today:
- I went to school looking like a freak (dressed up as Marilyn Manson for spirit week)
- People at my school are ignorant.
- I didn’t feel well.
- I was waiting for the cast list of the fall play to be posted.
- I didn’t make it.
- I spent most of sixth hour/seventh hour/after school crying.
The only glimmer of hope within my shitty Pandora box day was Travis. I was at his locker and started bawling my eyes out. He puts his hand on my shoulder and tells me that everything is going to be okay. Then I was like, oh yeah, and theres this guy that I like and he won’t hold my hand because of something that I couldn’t control. He grabbed my hand :]] He really does make me feel special and I wonder whats going to happen in the future, especially with Drew coming home soon.
Well, it’s late. I have school tomorrow. I’m going to be a Jedi for magician/clown day by wearing my Snuggie :]
Filed under: Friends, Insight, love | Tags: Emotions, fear, feelings, life, love, Rejection, self, Travis
Everyday we make choices that effect us, mostly mentally in my case. I CHOOSE to get dressed in the morning. I CHOOSE to eat lunch. I CHOOSE to go to tennis practice. I am not forced to do anything. How is it that I tend to make such bad choices then. Most of the time, I wear shorts in the cold, I eat a lunch that isn’t so healthy, and I don’t work my hardest at tennis practice. These things don’t register as something super life changing, but what do I do when these bad descion making skills come into something more important… like my body.
I clearly don’t have the best past with my body. I’ve done everything under the sun to basically hurt it. I have smoked, I’ve had sex, I have a tattoo, I have 8 peircings, I used to cut myself, and I eat when I don’t feel well. Everything in this makes it seem like I shouldn’t be allowed to make my own choices. Maybe I shouldn’t… Why is it that I’m saying this now though?!?!?! I’m about to be a senior in high school and I’m saying that I shouldn’t be able to make my own choices. Things like this are what really do make me think I’m a little bit crazy. Well, maybe a lot crazy.
Who I am isn’t something that can be handled my most people. It takes a strong person to love me for who I am. It takes someone amazing to take me for my flaws. Maybe that’s why I am so upset, so alone. I am so scared that I will never find someone who can really love me like I need to be loved. I’m so open to finding someone, I really am. I have been hurt so many times, but somehow I still open back up to people. I don’t know. Maybe thats what it is… I am TOO open, it scares people.
Like Travis, I think I scare him. I think that I am too intense for him. He is young, he doesn’t need someone like me. I want to be with him and I want to fall in love, but he doesn’t. We are in two different places.. do I leave him alone then? Do I wait for us to be on the same page? Do I hold off on finding someone who is already at the same place as me?
I’ve said it so many times, I just want to be happy. Travis makes me happy… sometimes.
Filed under: Friends, love | Tags: confusion, Frustration, Guh, ignoring, love, Rejection, Travis
I don’t know what I did, but I feel like I just want to be done trying for something that no one else is working for. Does that mean I should give up on happiness because no one is willing to help me? It seems like the one person I thought would make me the most happy is the person that is hurting me the most. By not looking at me, by ignoring me, it kills me.
No, you know what… If he is going to act like this. Fine. I can play his games too. I can play them even better because I have more than enough experience. No, I can’t do that though. I don’t want to hurt him and doing it on purpose is seventy times worse too. The fact that the thought crossed my mind is horrible. I shouldn’t want to hurt him. I shouldn’t want some form of revenge, but I am going to in some sense. He is going to ignore me… fine… I’m not going to ignore him, but I refuse to go out of my way to acknowledge him. He is there when he wants to be. Hope he will now how it feels, although, it probably won’t matter all that much. He’ll finally be getting what he wants now.
I hate this. I wanna pull a Kurt Cobain, but no worries… I won’t actually do it.
Filed under: Depression, Insight, love | Tags: Billy Joel, Changing, Confidence, Fat, fear, Heart, love, Michael, Rejection, Shallow, Thanksgiving, Travis, Weight, Welsey
Well, today is Thanksgiving and like on most holidays, I am not in the cheeriest mood. I’m not in good moods lately. It’s like something inside of me is holding me back everytime I get that feeling of joy. My mental state doesn’t want to be happy. I just don’t know.
I have also realized that I don’t really see myself in the same light as I used to anymore. I have always been a confident person more or less, but I have noticed that as the days go on, I am becoming less and less sure of myself. I know that it’s stupid to doubt myself because of a guy, but it’s like… if not ONE guy likes me, then there must be something wrong with ME. I can’t keep lying to myself and saying that there isn’t anything wrong with me, that it’s everyone else, but how can it be EVERYone else? I don’t want to be all negative and keep looking for flaws in myself, but I can’t help it.
I have met soo many guys and they all like other girls. I hate to say it, but I think that the only thing that these girls have on me are that they are skinny. I hate to think that people, especially the ones that I like, are really all that shallow. Does weight really mean that much to people? Can they really not see past the size? Am I really that replusive to guys? What did I ever do wrong?
The other thing is that I know I come on strong and I know it scares some people, but it’s like really? EVERYONE?
Maybe it really is just a mental thing though. It’s all in my head… Wesley says that I am awesome and that all these guys are lame and will regret it someday. Let’s see, the guys I have liked:
- Drew – Ended up being a douche and I don’t know why.
- Michael – Doesn’t like me and no reason was given.
- Aaron – Likes Nada.
- Mike – Liked Krissy.
- Christopher – Wanted his ex back, was never all that into me.
- Stephen – Turned gay.
- Jeremy – Loved someone else.
- Trevor – Always had a gf and didn’t see me “like that”.
- Travis – Thinks it’s weird.
- Ron – Was always gay, but had a gf.
- Joe – Likes Jazzmin (I think).
Seems that I have quite a pattern here. Most seem like to like someone else right? Well, maybe it’s not the guys that I choose maybe it’s me. I fall so hard and then let myself fall apart. I did it with Drew and it has taken me so long to get through it. I still have a hard time thinking about him and everything I thought that we had together. It’s the same with Michael. Everyday makes me want to cry because I see him and I talk to him and in the back of my head all I can think is, “See this amazing guy? Yeah… he is amazing and he doesn’t want you. How did you manage to fuck that up?” I have so much love in my heart for him and I can’t help but think that I did something to make him pull away, too make him reject me.
Maybe I just need to change…
(P.S. The title is because Billy Joel is one of Michael’s favorites :-[ )
Filed under: Friends, Insight, love | Tags: Denial, failing, Friends, Krissy, love, Michael, Rejection, school, strong
The most simply amazing thing happened to me today :] I got some snail-mail from the bestie, Krissy. It made my day<3
A observation that I made last night was that I am not feeling all that confident anymore. The indirect rejection by Michael has somehow caught up with me. I keep telling myself that if he doesn’t like me, I will be okay. I will be strong and get over it. The more I think about that though… the more I know that I am lying to myself. I really do like him and I have for a really long time. I honestly don’t know what I would do if he straight up told me that he didn’t like me at all. I would probally deny it for a few days and when it hit me… I would be out of it.
I am starting to look down on myself and I know this isn’t a good sign, but it’s like… if a guy that I like SOOO much can’t even like me, how can anyone else? I know that I have friends that love me, it just hard when I want something so bad and I know that I can’t do much to get it. It’s all on him and I hate that. I can see myself getting hurt.
Why did I pick the guy that can’t talk about his feelings? The AMAZING guy with ONE MAJOR flaw.
Oh well, I guess all I can do now is nothing….
On to much better news though :]
- I am doing much better in school this card marking.
- The play is in less than a month and I know all my lines.
- Mom is letting me take the car more and more.
- I am not really falling behind in anything.
- I haven’t talked to Drew in a really long time.
- I have amazing friends that love me.
- My bestie hasn’t forgotten me :]
- I finally finished my chem lab… I don’t think I got a good grade, BUT atleast finished.
- I have prospects for chem tutors.
- An A in Pre-Calc <3 <3 <3
Looking at all this makes me smile.
