Filed under: AWESOME, Alcohol, Concerts, Friends, Insight, music | Tags: Alcohol, AWESOME, Bradlee, feelings, Friends, music, random, songs, Travis
Tonight is supposed to be the night. Tonight is the night I am going to Lansing to see Bradlee. I texted him this morning though and now I am more confused than ever. Nevermind. He just texted me back…. He makes me feel smile and gives me butterflies. I feel like this is some kind of dream though because I mean, what music loving girl doesn’t wanna get with the lead singer of a band? I’m pretty sure every girl does. It’s hot. He told me to come find him before the show, well as soon as I get there. I am so excited to see him in action. He is such a sweetheart and the music is amazing too. I am listening to the song “All We Know” right now it makes my stomach turn, but in a good way. I hope that even if things don’t work out like they do in my head, they still work out well. The whole night is seeming to fall together. I am leaving around like 4 and the show starts at 5:30. Then after the show, well what happens happens and I am crashing at Sarah’s for the night. My mom thinks that Sarah is coming with me. I am a little worried to go alone, but I mean, it’s a bar in Lansing with undiscovered bands playing, what could happen. The only thing I am stressing is that he has only seen me in pictures and when he sees me in person he won’t like what he sees. I am a fat slob in person and I have learned how to angle pics to make me look super good. I don’t know. I need to calm down and not stress out. Thats not what I need right now.
Oh, I’m also a little worried about how Tuesday is going to go. It will be when I go back to school and see Travis. I got a little drunk on Friday and texted him some kinda forward things. I mean, with him, I always wanna give him another shot because he is so important to me and my everyday life. I just don’t want to freak him out like I have a habit of doing with guys… A LOT.
Whatever. I don’t wanna talk about that anymore. I already kind of regret saying that stuff to him. When I think about it I kind of sound like a whore, which I know I’m not, I just have a lot of whore tendencies. It’s just when I see Travis, I think about how he hasn’t done ANYTHING more than holding hands and a simple kiss on the lips and how I know he wants to do more so bad, but doesn’t feel comfortable with a girl enough to do anything. I mean if anyone, he should be comfortable with me right? He trusts me and I am like his best friend. I don’t know. I just don’t want someone to take advantage of him or for him to have a bad first experience with some horrible girl. I want him to have it with me. Honestly, that sounds horrible. It sounds like I am some Dazed and Confused actor trying to deflower the young girls. “Thats one thing I love about high school girls. I keep getting older and they stay the same age.” 
DDD Tsk Tsk Janelle :p
I’m bored.
I don’t know what to do today…
Homework.
I want Drew to be online.
I want Krissy to be home.
I’m hungry.
I need to update my facebook status.
I need to tweet as well.
So many things.
Trips to Payless and Target?
Possibly.
Filed under: AWESOME, Concerts, Family, Friends, Insight, random, religion, school | Tags: Boys, Changing, Friends, Krissy, life, love, random, school, Travis, Wesley
Well, it has been almost a week since my blowup/meltdown on wordpress. I think that I dealt with the suspension just fine, but I also know it’s something that I don’t want to deal with EVER again. One time is enough, Thank you :]
Hmmm… Let’s see whats been going on with me. It’s been awhile since I did a post that it just like an update forum.
Boys: Well, Travis is pretty amazing :] His birthday is on Thursday and I think I am more excited about it than he is. I don’t know why, I just really like birthdays. PLUS, I happen to know that he is really going to LOVE his present <3 I can’t wait to see the look on his face! Other than Travis, the only other boy that is relationship material whatnotstuff is Anthony Jackson. He is such an asshole to me though… He sent me really weird texts this weekend. The thing that is the weirdest is that he was forwarding texts that I had sent him… and there were also some that OTHER people were sending him. Mainly his girlfriend Amber who HATES me, as much as she denies it, I know she does. I don’t know about him anymore though. He says that he likes me, but then won’t hang out with me when I invite him somewhere or takes hours to respond to a text. It just seems like he is a whole lot of drama that isn’t going to get much better if we were to actually date. Plus, I feel it would make it akward for Wesley if he dumped Amber for me. (Amber is on the dance team with Wes and they have already had their own drama.)
School: The school year is coming to an end and I am sooo pumped. I cannot wait to be a senior in high school and have that one foot out the door. Soon enough I will be in college!!!! AHHH!!! I have my two AP tests next week so this week pretty much, is going to suck. Some time this week I have to go to Carol’s house and help her. I have two games. I have to study. I am going to a concert on Friday. OAA Leagues is on Saturday. Mother’s Day is Sunday… this just sucks in general. BUT, after the stress of the AP Exams is gone, I only have four classes to worry about instead of six. I really hope that I do well on the AP Chem test. I want to prove to myself that I can do this. I think that this year really showed me how time SHOULD be spent, instead of how I actually DO spend it. I feel like I am going to fail the AP Chem test, but I know it is going to be my fault too.
Friends: Friends is pretty much the only front that has NO flaws. I love my friends and I couldn’t ask for better ones. Krissy is home for the summer and done with her freshman year in college :] Wes is on the dance team, likes a nice guy, and is going to do AMAZING on her APUSH test on friday :] (GOOD LUCK!!) Everything is pretty much going almost perfect with friends <3
God: I am doing really well and I feel like I am finding something to believe in that just.. feels right. I know that I have had my struggles, but everyone has right? I just know I can make it through. It’s something that I need to deal with IN me and it’s nice to know that I have so many people that care too. My friend Micah has really been trying to help me. He prays for me and he wants me to go to his church with him. I mean, I know that I like it at Northbrook A LOT, but it would be okay to go to someone else’s church ONCE right? Other than that, church is going amazing and I feel like I am finally starting to fit in there. At senior highs on Sunday, it was just me, David, Dani, and William. It was cool that I didn’t have Emily as that buffer and I was fine. I like that I am becoming one in my own there rather than someone that comes with Emily every week :]
Filed under: Friends, random, school | Tags: Drew, feelings, Friends, Krissy, life, random, school, Travis
Well, Break is coming to a close and I am sad to see it leave. I like having no school. I like doing nothing all day, but I suppose that it is time to get back to the real world where I have a ton of things to do. I don’t think I want to go back though. Going back means seeing Travis and things being weird. Going back means more homework. Going back means tennis conditioning. Going back means getting up at 5:30am. Going back means moving on.
I do miss everything though. I miss seeing everyone. I miss having things to do. I miss seeing Travis. I miss talking to everyone and the buzzing of drama. It’s not the same anymore when you get that hint of what it’s like without it. I don’t know whether I want it all back or whether I want to let it all continue being gone.
The one good thing still to come is seeing my Krissy :] She came home last night and I am sooo pumped to see her today. I have missed her beyond belief!!! She brought home an international girl for the weekend so it won’t just be me and her, but I guess I can deal. Honestly, I don’t really want this girl there, but I am more than willing to give her a shot simply because Kris said that she is a cool girl. I’m stoaked to spend the night at Krissy’s tonight and eat wonderful Viet food :] I did get another offer for tonight to chill and drink with my brother and his friends, but I’m only doing that if Kris is down too. I don’t think she will be though… it’s a bummer. I think it might be kinda fun, but this is HER weekend, so… we do what she wants I guess…
GAH! I should finish homework, but I know I won’t. I have like a billion pages to read for the Scarlet Letter, but that book is so damn wordy that I feel like I am falling asleep every single time I read a page. It takes a second to read a little too. It’s so old english that you have to read the same sentence like 5 times before you get what Hawthorne was trying to say. I hate that. I’m not too fond of this book.
I’ve been thinking about Drew lately. I am not going to elaborate… just wanted to put it out there. I need to stop being me because it clearly isn’t working anymore. Any suggestions on who I should be?
Filed under: Insight | Tags: Changing, confusion, fear, feelings, life, questions, random, self, Travis
Yeah, I’m pretty sure that I don’t like living all that much. I feel like it’s hard to get through everyday without wanting to breakdown over the littlest things. I think all those years are therapy is what screwed me up, not fixed me. I am so sick as seeing life as a project and something that I need to work on and improve rather than something I am meant to enjoy. Maybe that’s why I don’t like it… maybe it’s because I’m not living it the way it was meant to be lived. I need to chill out man. I need to breathe. I need to stop it all and take it in.
Everyday it feels like something new goes wrong though. When things go good for once, there is always something missing. Travis is talking to me again, BUT he won’t hold my hand or e-mail me. It’s not the same. I really wish I could go back to the beginning with him and not fuck it up. I was sooo into him that I didn’t realize when I was beginning to drown him. I couldn’t see that he was in over his head because I didn’t want to. I wish I could start over with him, fix it all. Fix the relationships in my life instead of the life itself.
That’s what I should do…. Chill, rethink, relax, repair.
Filed under: Insight, random | Tags: Blame, Changing, confusion, fault, feelings, fixing life, life, questions, random, self
I wonder if there is a way that everything around you can change, but you remain the same. Or is change enivitable? Is it something that is bound to happen because that’s just how life is? Or is there a way to stop it from happening?
You know when you meet a new person? Is there a way that that person can become part of your life without them rubbing off on your somehow? Is your personality and how you based on who you surround yourself with? If so, is everyone around you really no one? Does that mean that no one really is themselves? Am I not Janelle? Am I just a mixture of who my friends are? BUT, they are a mixture of who they are around. God, that means that I’m not who I thought I was AT ALL. Who I am is based on a billion and seven people that I have never met.
Why do I doubt myself so much? How is it that nothing is how I think it is? Why do I ask so many questions? Honestly, I think it is because I am looking for so many answers in life and I feel like I haven’t found any of them yet. I don’t know anything. I feel like I am smart, but when it comes down to the real world, I don’t know a damn thing. This is were I make a pact to learn. To start paying attention to the world around me and take it all in for once. I feel like I try so hard to understand everything, but something blocks it. I know that it’s me. It’s me that is stopping me.
I haven’t blogged about this before. I have written about how unhappy I am and how something inside of me is causing it. That my “mental state” is causing it. I don’t think that anymore though. I am willing to accept my mistakes. I am willing to accept who I am and that sometimes, when things go wrong, it is my fault. It is MY fault. I blame myself a lot, but I never really accept it. I just don’t want someone to blame themselves for something I don’t think is their fault so regardless of it being my fault or not, I take the blame. I need to start taking the blame for what is ACTUALLY my fault.
I just need to start living life instead of playing some side part in my life. How is it that I can say these things sooo many times, but never actually change what is wrong. I have said ALL of this before. I need to stop saying and start doing.
Filed under: AWESOME, Insight, random | Tags: Adele, Amy Winehouse, Fourth of July, Friends, Las Vegas, London, no life, Ohio, random, Singers, The Beatles
Well, today is YET another holiday that I will be spending alone. Just like New Years. This fourth of July I will be alone. I don’t really know why I am so upset though, it’s nothing new. I can’t even remember what I did last year for fourth of July. Probally nothing, maybe I did something with my friends. I don’t know. I wish I could do something with people, but I have run out of options.
Krissy – In Las Vegas until Tuesday.
Wesley – In Ohio for a family function.
Mom – Work and then dinner with Greg.
Bruce – BBQ at Kelly’s.
Drew – Still in Juive :[
Everyone else – No one else has contacted me.
It is sad that I only have four reasonable options to begin with.
Looks like this fourth of July is going to be Milk Duds, Carbonated drinks, and a marathon of the first and second season of Gilmore Girls… How sad. I’m the teenage old woman with three cats and no life. I have written like 5 new blogs since July started…and it’s only the fourth. I either think too much or have a serious problem with blogging. I think I am becoming a blogaholic. I don’t think that they have Rehab for that though. OHH. That made me think of Amy Winehouse. I heard that she has the early Stages of Emphsyma….what a bummer. She really is a good singer. It seems like all the singers from London are awesome. The Beatles, Amy Winehouse, Adele (she’s new) … and I can’t think of anyone else, but the Beatles make up for my lack of knowledge on British musicians. Hmmm … I’m done with this blog now. It’s all just become random typing what pops into my head.
Filed under: Insight | Tags: decisions, feelings, Janelle, lack of life, life, love, movies, nothing, random, star
Ever feel like you are going through life in the backgrounds? Like you are somehow living in the shadows? I feel like that a lot. I am in a movie, that someone else is the star of. Like the character that always wants to be the star, but can never quite make it. Someone that can’t seem to do something important or interesting enough to make the screenplay. That is what I am. I am the insignificant friend in some stupid movie. The thing is that I want to be the star SO bad, but it seems that no matter what I do, I can’t.
Lately, it’s been like I am wasting my life away. If you really do think about it, I have done nothing with my life for the last fifteen years. I haven’t saved a life. I haven’t done anything important. I have a list of things that I want to do with my life and the only thing that I have been able to cross off is getting a tattoo. That is NOTHING. I always say that I am going to change my life, that I am going to change who I am, but I NEVER do. I don’t know how many times I have wanted to do something that matters, but something always stops me. Something always gets in the way.
Why is it that I always let something else rule me? I really do. I SAY that I am in control of who I am and what I do, but I’m not. I don’t do anything for myself. Sure, I do make SOME decisions, but they aren’t the ones that matter. I need to stop being the co-stars sidekick and step up and be the star. It’s something I probally won’t do, but it’s something that I need to do. I wish I could just do what I wanted and not think so much. I just wish that I could life live for what it should be to me. Not live life to what everyone else whats it to be.
Filed under: Friends, Insight | Tags: confusion, Insight, life, mirror, random, realizing, something
Ever feel like you are just watching everything go by you? Like your life is going on without you and you somehow aren’t in it. That is how I have been feeling lately. I feel like I am watching my friends go on and live their lives and I am on the other side of the mirror. They laugh and play and I can do nothing but watch. I feel like I am no longer in control of my life. I want to break the mirror and step back into the life that I used to live so bad. Something is stopping me though. I am looking at the details that are there. The details that I never realized were there. Wow. He has an amazing smile. I never knew she could talk with such grace. Things that I have been unable to see because I have been so wrapped up in all the drama and chaos that is in my life.
I never thought that I would have such a problem controlling my life. I have ALWAYS been in control of who I am and what I do. Sometimes I feel like I give up so easy though. I want to fight for what I want. I want to break the mirror. Make the sadness and lonliness shatter.
The thing that is getting to me the most is that I feel like all of the people in life are fine with me being absent. No one says anything when I walk away or when I get silent. Not only are I loosing contol… No one is helping me get it back.
The other day I was with my friends and I wasn’t talking and no one was talking to me so I walked away. I sat in the grass and just looked at the world around me. I looked at my friends and saw how much fun they were having without me. How the grass was still green. How the world was still going on even when I wasn’t active in it. The looked at my hands and put them together. When I pushed hard I could feel my heartbeat and for some reason I was surprised. I didn’t expect my heart to be beating. I was expecting silence. I don’t feel like my heart is beating most of the time. The amazement I felt in that moment was stunning. It was like a wake up call telling me that not everything is about me.
The world will go on without me.
My friends will go on without me.
My life will go on without me.
If I don’t break the mirror then all of these things are bound to happen. I am going to loose all control of what is left of my life. I am writing this thinking that people may read this and think that I am depressing. Thats not true though. I’m not. I love life….I just feel like I’m not living mine anymore. I’m going to find a way to break the mirror. I just don’t know if I can do that without getting some blood and scars on my hand.
