Filed under: Friends, Insight, religion | Tags: fear, feelings, life, Michael, questions, religion, self
Well, the religion thing has come back. For awhile, it was all I could think about… Is there a God? Is there a heaven or hell? Then… I didn’t really think about it often. This is just something that I want to be done. I want to be sure. I want to believe in something, whether I understand it or not… I just don’t want something like this to rule my life.
The person that has for sure been there for me the most during all of this is Micheal for sure. He is the only person that is willing to explain things to me and flat out tell me that even he doesn’t understand it completely. What hit me the most was when he said that the God isn’t something that is meant to be understood. I think I like that. There is a God because there is? My first reaction is to deny because for so long I have been searching for proof…. something SOLID to believe in.
The more we talk about it, the more my views change. I went from not believing AT ALL, to know… thinking that I might have been wrong.
What people don’t get is that he explains things differently so that I can understand them. I don’t want people to get upset because they think that I am saying that they haven’t helped in my journey. That’s not what I am saying at all. I am just saying that out of everyone, he seems to be the least biased and helpful in the whole thing.
Filed under: Insight | Tags: Changing, confusion, fear, feelings, life, questions, random, self, Travis
Yeah, I’m pretty sure that I don’t like living all that much. I feel like it’s hard to get through everyday without wanting to breakdown over the littlest things. I think all those years are therapy is what screwed me up, not fixed me. I am so sick as seeing life as a project and something that I need to work on and improve rather than something I am meant to enjoy. Maybe that’s why I don’t like it… maybe it’s because I’m not living it the way it was meant to be lived. I need to chill out man. I need to breathe. I need to stop it all and take it in.
Everyday it feels like something new goes wrong though. When things go good for once, there is always something missing. Travis is talking to me again, BUT he won’t hold my hand or e-mail me. It’s not the same. I really wish I could go back to the beginning with him and not fuck it up. I was sooo into him that I didn’t realize when I was beginning to drown him. I couldn’t see that he was in over his head because I didn’t want to. I wish I could start over with him, fix it all. Fix the relationships in my life instead of the life itself.
That’s what I should do…. Chill, rethink, relax, repair.
Filed under: Insight, random | Tags: Blame, Changing, confusion, fault, feelings, fixing life, life, questions, random, self
I wonder if there is a way that everything around you can change, but you remain the same. Or is change enivitable? Is it something that is bound to happen because that’s just how life is? Or is there a way to stop it from happening?
You know when you meet a new person? Is there a way that that person can become part of your life without them rubbing off on your somehow? Is your personality and how you based on who you surround yourself with? If so, is everyone around you really no one? Does that mean that no one really is themselves? Am I not Janelle? Am I just a mixture of who my friends are? BUT, they are a mixture of who they are around. God, that means that I’m not who I thought I was AT ALL. Who I am is based on a billion and seven people that I have never met.
Why do I doubt myself so much? How is it that nothing is how I think it is? Why do I ask so many questions? Honestly, I think it is because I am looking for so many answers in life and I feel like I haven’t found any of them yet. I don’t know anything. I feel like I am smart, but when it comes down to the real world, I don’t know a damn thing. This is were I make a pact to learn. To start paying attention to the world around me and take it all in for once. I feel like I try so hard to understand everything, but something blocks it. I know that it’s me. It’s me that is stopping me.
I haven’t blogged about this before. I have written about how unhappy I am and how something inside of me is causing it. That my “mental state” is causing it. I don’t think that anymore though. I am willing to accept my mistakes. I am willing to accept who I am and that sometimes, when things go wrong, it is my fault. It is MY fault. I blame myself a lot, but I never really accept it. I just don’t want someone to blame themselves for something I don’t think is their fault so regardless of it being my fault or not, I take the blame. I need to start taking the blame for what is ACTUALLY my fault.
I just need to start living life instead of playing some side part in my life. How is it that I can say these things sooo many times, but never actually change what is wrong. I have said ALL of this before. I need to stop saying and start doing.
Filed under: Insight, love | Tags: confusion, Drew, juvie, love, mothers, names, phone, questions, texting
What do you do when that one thing that you really don’t want to think about is all that you can think about. That is how I am feeling right now. All I can think about Drew. Don’t get me wrong, I love him and I love thinking about him. It’s just that when I think something for long periods of time I start to make up more questions. So now I am asking stupid questions and letting them eat at me.
Is he thinking about me too?
Does he still love me?
If he is thinking about me, what is he thinking?
Is he thinking the same loving thoughts that I am?
Will he still want to be with me when he gets out?
All of these are questions that I shouldn’t be asking myself because there is no way for me to know that answers to them. I know that if I continue to ask questions more question will spawn and more questions and more. It will be a never ending cycle until I finally go crazy. I just wish that I could talk to him sooo much. I talked to his mother on monday. I sent her a text saying : “Drew’s mom. I’m sorry I don’t know what to call you… I was wondering if Drew can recieve mail where he is and if you could please give me the address. I’d REALLY appreciate it. I’m really not a bad person and I’m sorry if I am bothering you. I would just really like to talk to Drew. Thank you sooo much.” She didn’t text back. Which I was actually expecting. She called me. She then broke the bad news to me. Drew CAN get mail and phone calls, but only from family. So, being that girlfriends don’t count as family I can’t talk to him..for six months.
My first idea was to ask her if I could pass a message to her that she could tell him, but I am being a giant chicken. I don’t know whether to call the woman or text like I did before. The thing is that I think that it would be smart to call, but I don’t even know what to call her. I can’t call her Mrs. DePauw because I know that that’s wrong. I KNOW that that isn’t her name.
It’s all just so hard and I wish that it wasn’t. I wish that Drew was here and was telling me that he loved me to my face.
Filed under: Family, Insight, Prejudice | Tags: bible, Catholic, confusion, God, Minister, questions, Real, religion, satan, Satanism
I have gotten to the stage in my life where I am beginning to explore my spirituality. I was raised in the catholic faith, but as I have gotten older I have realized that that is not what I believe. I don’t believe in the Jesus was the son of god and died for our sins thing. I don’t believe in all the miracles that the bible says happened to all these holy people. I don’t do the whole everyone believing in the same exact thing. I also REALLY don’t do the whole live my life to makes some holy figure that I can’t even see happy. How do I even know that god is real? How do I know that all those prayers I said when I was little really get answered? Were they even heard?
This is where I have come to question faith. I don’t even know if I believe in God…. let alone HOW.I don’t know if I am agnostic, because I am not all that sure if I believe in God, but then it’s like am I Atheist? I don’t know. I know that I don’t believe in the Bible… I know that I don’t do the whole everyone do exactly the same thing all the time. The thing that makes me think it why are there so many things that are supposed to miricales that can be proven by other things. Not only science… Other religions. Why is it that everyone is fighting about religion when they are all more or less believing in the same thing. How is the Allah different from God? Why does it matter what you believe in to people so much?
I’m not trying to say to I am going to become a Satanist with this post. I am just trying to get some of the feelings that I have out. I am so sick of everything I do that is good in my life being thanked. Why is it that God gets all the credit when I do something amazing. But, why is it that God also is held accountable when something bad happens? When someone dies people always say that it was “God’s will”. Who says that he gets to decide when someone is ready to die? What makes this invisible “force” so powerful. I have thought about this and when I read it in the Satanic Bible it made so much sense. Man made God. Man invented God. Also, that we aren’t really created in the image of God. God was made in the image of the “perfect” man. We thank God for everything when it is really Man that should be thanked. This means that everytime we praise God or thank Him… we are really thanking the Man that invented God.
I have learned through experience that you can’t live with regret. You can’t live with guilt. In the Catholic faith they say that God will grant forgiveness if you ask… If forgiveness is so easy then why is it so sought after? Why does it really matter what we do if, in the end, we are going to be forgiven? I am sick of doing what I think will make someone else happy because the church is happy. I want to live my life to make ME happy… not everyone else in the general population. My biggest thing is… If I’m not hurting anyone, why can’t I do want makes me happy? If being gay makes me happy… why can’t I be gay? If having sex makes me happy… why can’t I have sex? If you really think about it, everything that most religions won’t let you are things that make you physically, emotionally, or mentally happy. Sex. Food. Lust. Anger. Revenge. Envy. Basically the seven deadly sins…
I think that I just need to take some time and evaluate what I really believe. I just really hope that my family will give me the chance. My mother is having a large problem with all of this. She feels that she is failing because I have rejected the Catholic faith… She was a minister and now her own daughter is reading the Satanic Bible. I can understand it, but I just want her to give me a chance. I just want to create myself to make me happy.
