Thoughts from an Unknown.


Leavin’ on a Jetplane.
January 1, 2009, 9:24 am
Filed under: AWESOME, Family, Friends, love | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

Well, I leave for the sunny beaches on florida in a matter of hours. Part of me can’t believe that this is really happening and that I really get to go. I’m still shocked that my mother said yes AND that she contributed money for the trip. That’s not her. I think it might be because she has a soft spot for Florida since she used to live there and all. This next week or so is going to  be amazing. With Krissy 24/7 soaking up the rays and having summer fun in winter :] The way it should be all the time. Dude, I can’t WAIT to be tan again!!! I feel like I am so pale right now. It makes my pictures gross looking. I want to come back from X-Mas break looking AMAZING, Which I sooooo will  thanks to this trip.

Travis never calls and I don’t even know if I get service down there to tell the truth. I hope so though… The hardest part is that I won’t be able to wake up every morning and check my e-mail to see what he sent me. Not having ANY contact with him for five days is going to be killer, but then he will miss me and will be that much more excited to see me on Tuesday? I don’t know. That’s what I want to think, but I don’t really think so… Grr. I miss that silly boy <3

OMFG! Oh, like I said earlier, letting me go was sooo not like my mother. Here is my mom….

  1. Yell at Janelle for asking. Done.
  2. Say Maybe. Did.
  3. Yell and Yell so more. Done.
  4. Complain about how you don’t get to do anything. This is what Bruce did…
  5. Possibly say yes. HECK YES SHE SAID YES!!!
  6. Give many lectures. Didn’t give any.
  7. Threaten to take trip away. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MANY TIMES.

Steps 4 and 6 are what she didn’t do and it’s really weird. Although, she did pump up the bitchiness this last couple week. I couldn’t have a jolly farewell now could I? Of course not… I really MIGHT miss her though. Lately, every time I turn around she is yelling at me about something stupid that doesn’t matter, but knowing her she is going to beat it and beat it until the conversation/situation is a fucking dead, twice killed zombie. I can’t wait to move of in the spring/summer of 2010. It seems so far, but I know it will be here in no time :]

I need to get a haircut.

I will blog when I come back from Florida and the BAHAMMMMAS!!!! Imma miss everyone, but not to lie, Krissy and I are going to have SOOOO much fun. I already know it! *eep*

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The Cheap Bouqet.
June 26, 2008, 7:24 pm
Filed under: Insight, love | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

     What do you do when the person you love is gone and all you have is their mother? That is more or less how it is with Drew. He is gone, so if I want to tell him something, I have to tell his mom to tell it to him. I have been wanting to send a message since I first found out that I couldn’t talk to him. But, now that I did…I don’t know if it was such a good idea. I mean I love that he will be able to have a message from me, but… His mom’s reaction wasn’t the best.

Conversation:

Janelle: Hello. Is this Drew’s mom?

Drew’s Mom: Yes.

Janelle: Hi, this is Janelle and I am sooo sorry to bother you, but I was wondering since I can’t talk to drew if you could just tell him that I said that I love him and that I will wait for him.

Drew’s Mom: Wow… I don’t know what say. That’s deep. There are so many thoughts running through my head right now. How old are you?

Janelle: 15.

Drew’s mom: Oh, you are way to young for this shit. Go to school. Don’t worry about this. Live life… Get your priorities straight. I won’t tell him, but I will. I don’t even know who you are. I’ve never met you.

Janelle: Yeah, I met Drew when he was living in Troy.

Drew’s Mom: OHHH, so you went to elementary school with him?

Janelle: No, I’m a grade older. I went to middle school with him.  I’ve been back and forth with him so many times that even if it isn’t on a romantic level I will always love him, even as a friend (tearing up at this point). He was there for me when I went through a really hard time.

Drew’s Mom: Let me tell you, there are eight other girls saying what you are saying, but since you mean as a friend I will tell him. Just go to school and don’t make love a priority.

Janelle: Drew isn’t my top priority and he knows that. School is. I was just freaking out when I went from talking to him all the time everyday to him disappearing off the face of the earth. I didn’t even  know he ran away. He didn’t tell me. His friend told me. (actually… now that I think about it…she told me. My bad) It’s just good to know that he is okay.

Drew’s Mom: Yeah, He has run away twice since he has been here. He’s put me through hell. He has being fucking up a lot. I apprieciate the call.

Janelle: Thank you so much.

The End plus Goodbyes and Take Cares.

(There was some more about me appriecating the concern and she said the “parental side”….. and about how he would get out around Thanksgiving. Thank goodness, I thought it was around christmas!)

     I don’t know how to feel about this conversation. I used to think that she didn’t like me because I was always calling and texting Drew, but now it kinda seems like she likes me. She was concerned and didn’t want me to be all like worried or something, but then again it’s like he was talking kinda bad about Drew. I don’t know what to think. I am really happy that she is going to tell him what I said, but I am kinda scared that it is going to come with a long talk about priorities. I don’t want him to be mad because I basically told his mom that I am in love with him.

     The other thing that is bothering me about this conversation is the “eight girls saying the same thing”. WHAT!?!?!?! I hate that I can’t talk to him and ask him what the fuck she is talking about him. Too fucking bad though right? Ugh. I know that it’s horrible that I say this, but I really do think that I love him so much that if he DID cheat on me, I would probally forgive him. It makes me kinda mad/sad that I have to question his love for me and that his mom is so negative towards it. So much for her understanding…

     I’m glad that I called her on the phone though instead of texting her again. Both Wesley and Krissy said that it was the mature thing to do. I was kinda freaked out by the whole thing. I have never even met her and I am telling her to tell her son that I love him and that I will wait for him. I don’t even know her last name!!!

     All I can say at this point is that I still love him and that we are going to have a long ass talk face-to-face when he comes home. I will have my license by then I will be able to drive out to the shores. I want to touch him so bad though!!! Kris said that we will have a long talk after we make out. I said…well, before or after that, we are still going to have a long talk! Good to end this on a happy laugh out loud moment.

P.S. Special thanks to Krissy and Wesley for helping me out with my fears and bullshit. =]

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Cue The Sun.
June 25, 2008, 7:41 pm
Filed under: Insight, love | Tags: , , , , , , , ,

     What do you do when that one thing that you really don’t want to think about is all that you can think about. That is how I am feeling right now. All I can think about Drew. Don’t get me wrong, I love him and I love thinking about him. It’s just that when I think something for long periods of time I start to make up more questions. So now I am asking stupid questions and letting them eat at me.

Is he thinking about me too?

Does he still love me?

If he is thinking about me, what is he thinking?

Is he thinking the same loving thoughts that I am?

Will he still want to be with me when he gets out?

     All of these are questions that I shouldn’t be asking myself because there is no way for me to know that answers to them. I know that if I continue to ask questions more question will spawn and more questions and more. It will be a never ending cycle until I finally go crazy. I just wish that I could talk to him sooo much. I talked to his mother on monday. I sent her a text saying : “Drew’s mom. I’m sorry I don’t know what to call you… I was wondering if Drew can recieve mail where he is and if you could please give me the address. I’d REALLY appreciate it. I’m really not a bad person and I’m sorry if I am bothering you. I would just really like to talk to Drew. Thank you sooo much.” She didn’t text back. Which I was actually expecting. She called me. She then broke the bad news to me. Drew CAN get mail and phone calls, but only from family. So, being that girlfriends don’t count as family I can’t talk to him..for six months.

     My first idea was to ask her if I could pass a message to her that she could tell him, but I am being a giant chicken. I don’t know whether to call the woman or text like I did before. The thing is that I think that it would be smart to call, but I don’t even know what to call her. I can’t call her Mrs. DePauw because I know that that’s wrong. I KNOW that that isn’t her name.

     It’s all just so hard and  I wish that it wasn’t. I wish that Drew was here and was telling me that he loved me to my face.

 

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Devotion to a Phone.
May 4, 2008, 12:21 pm
Filed under: Friends, Insight, love | Tags: , , ,

  I haven’t really talked to Drew lately. I don’t know if I posted this, but we got back together about 2 weeks ago. I know it hasn’t been long, but he is becoming a huge part of my life. The thing that is getting hard is not being able to see him everyday because he lives a half hour away. I know that that isn’t really far, but it is when you have no car or a way to meet up.

   It’s really hard knowing that I am sitting here thinking about him and he could be making out with some random girl, not caring about me at all. I don’t think that that is happening, but because it’s possible it’s in the  back of my head. He said that he would never cheat on me because he wouldn’t want me to cheat on him. I think that that is an okay reason. I wanted him to say something sweet though….like “I would never cheat on you because you are the best thing in my life and how could I do any better.” He didn’t but when I asked him if that was how he felt he said yes. I don’t feel like that is enough somehow. I know that he has the love for me, but sometimes it bothers me that he can’t express it like I do. I mean I get it though. He is a guy and it’s hard for him.

   The other thing that is eating at me is that I feel like I have been talking to him less and less. This last week I probally talked to him for a total of 15 minutes combined….if that. It seems like he doesn’t have time to talk to me. Monday- Talked to him in text form for like 10 minutes but then got mad when I sent too many. Tuesday- Called and he couldn’t talk. He said he would call me back. Didn’t. Wednesday- Once again. Said that he would call me later… and didn’t. Thursday- Talking for a matter of minutes. Said I missed him and haden’t talked to him all week. Called him out on not calling back. Said he would TRY to call later. Didn’t. Friday- Tried calling and then went to sleep. He called at midnight when I was already asleep. Saturday- Talked for minutes early in the day. He was at a party and couldn’t talk. Would be able to talk later… When called later….couldn’t talk. Sunday- No attempt to contact…yet.

   I feel like I am obsessing over talking to him and the fact that I haven’t in the last week. My thinking is that I can’t see him everyday. I can’t touch him. I can’t kiss him. The least I can have is 15 minutes a day to talk. If he can’t talk then some texting. I don’t think that I am asking for a lot. I want to make the long distance thing work, but he has to too. He still says he loves me, but the random “your beautiful” texts have stopped. The most I get now is an inapporiate picture as a sorry for not calling.

    It’s just hard having a relationship with a phone, but I still love him more than anything <3

 

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