Filed under: Friends, love, school | Tags: Christopher, Drew, Friends, Krissy, life, love, Michael, school, Travis, Work
I should be doing homework right now.. I don’t want to though, I like sitting on the computer listening to music, downloading iTunes, printing papers for NHS, and writing a new blog. Ahh, the magic of multi-tasking. I feel like I have so much to say today, but not really.
“It takes guts to fall in love, but it takes nerve to go back to the one who broke you.”
It seems like everytime I turn around, I am making another mistake when it comes to love. I don’t know if it’s because I am so desperate to be loved or if it because I love so much that I can’t help myself sometimes. Lets see, boys I have loved…
Drew- Like I said before, I don’t really know what to say. I know that no matter what, I will always love him. I really think I will. He is one of the ones that broke me, the one that I have gone back to so many times. I don’t know if I am scared of going back anymore. He is someone I think about all the time. Honestly sometimes I feel guilty thinking about him. He is someone that is so special that I feel bad for having any bad thoughts. Its just like, he has hurt me so many times to always see him coming back as a positive. In the end, I know I love him.
Travis- He is someone that I love more and more everyday. It seems like things between us are getting better. He hugged me today. He holds my hand in the hall again (well kinda lol [long story]). A lot of the time when I am with him, I find myself wishing I was kissing him. I wish that he would just lean down and kiss me. He never does, but everyday I get the feeling that he just might. He won’t go to Homecoming with me though… I hope he comes to LaserTag on Sunday though. I love him, I really do. I’m not IN love. I’m taking my time with him. I have to.
Michael- This is the akward part. I know that I have been IN love with Michael, who, as you know if you read this a lot (which no one but Kris prob does) then you know that Michael is Travis’s older brother. He is someone that has helped me out a lot and for a long time, he was the one person that I wanted more than anything. I don’t have many problems with him. Slowly I am realizing that my feelings for him are more friendship than anything. He is honestly my BEST guy friend. We know almost everything about each other. He likes Abby…He told me today. I am kind of upset that it’s not me, but it doesn’t hurt quite like I thought it would. I thought I would be all dramatic, thinking my heart had been ripped out of my chest. I thought it kinda had when I first started to see that Mickey liked her. I just wanna him to be happy, I really do. Besides, minus our differences, I think Mickey could make her happy and they would honestly be suuppper adorable together. Oh Mickey, Alligator Food <3
Christopher- I love him. This is one of those things that I don’t know where I stand anymore. He is someone that I said I loved, but I don’t know if I did atleast not like that. He has been such an asshole to me, but somehow I always forgive him. He seems to think that I will always love him no matter what, but I don’t really agree with him. I just let him think that because it makes him feel good. He was in town the other week and when we had made plans to hang out, he completely blew me off. We haven’t talked to almost two weeks. I don’t know if he is someone that is good for me… He isn’t. He said he loved me and then took it back a week later.
Well, this has mostly been about boys… like they always are… Lol.
Hmm. School is going well. I am doing well in my classes I think so far. I work on friday night and am missing the biggest football game of the year :[ I like my classes and I am starting to make new friends.
Auditions for the fall play were yesterday and hopefully a cast list will be posted tomorrow morning. I really hope I make it. I want the role of Anna Trumball. She is the hippie of the play :] I don’t know what I will do if I don’t make it. This is my senior year and all I wanna do is have a lead role, boost my gpa, and get into NHS. Ohhhh. I have to tape my interview on Monday…. @ 3:35.
Guh. Anthony just texted me… He is causing so much drama in my life right now. All I need is more girls talking about me and saying I’m a manstealer… thats just F***ing great :///
Church is going amazing by the way. Sunday is now the one day of the week I always look forward too, even getting up early for church <3
P.S. I miss my Bestestest Friend in the whole world, Miss Krissy right now. SOOO MUCH. Iloveyou. I’m gonna text you right now. Did I tell you about Drew? Oh shiz….
Filed under: Friends, Insight, love, random, school | Tags: feelings, Friends, guys, life, Michael, Relationships, self, Travis
I just got home from Footloose rehersal and I came to the realization that I am actually really annoying. I’m sure that’s why Michael never liked me, because I annoy him. I more than likely bother many others, just no one wants to say anything to me. It’s nice that no one wants to hurt my feelings, but you would think that atleast ONE person would tell you that you are annoying right? I was walking around today following Michael because I had nothing better to do. I don’t know why, but I really like being around him. He is a cool guy. I don’t know. I was being stupid. I am know that I don’t like him like THAT anymore, but it’s hard to stop acting like I do… I am so used to being protective and clingy that it comes second nature when I am around him.
The other thing that is hard is acting like knowing that he likes someone isn’t bothering me. He likes someone. I don’t know what it is about those words that cause me to freak out. I think it was the trying so hard and him never liking me back part. I just want to be like what does she have that I don’t? Is it because she swims? Is it because she sings? Is it because she is mixed? Come to think of it, she almost sounds like the female version of Michael. Maybe that was it… we didn’t have enough in common? I don’t know… I’m not stressing about that anymore. It didn’t work and that’s fine because it brought me to Travis, which no matter how big of a douche he is, I will NEVER regret the time I spend with him.
He really has been being a douche bag lately though. I don’t know why, but he won’t hug me. He always comes in as if he is going to hug me and that pulls away and won’t. It actually makes me really mad. He sees that I still like him, he knows that I am willing to give him time and space, he knows that I would do anything for him and he honestly uses that. Last wednesday I had a meeting after school and he knew that, but he was waiting for swim practice to start and he had no one to wait with so he called me. He knew I would do exactly what I did, come running. I did too. I ditched my meeting and said that I had to leave, went down to the pool, waited with him and ended up staying for practice.
That practice was really fun though because I pushed him in the pool :] SOOOOOOOOOOOO worth getting soaked, going outside, and getting larengitis……….. I have to go change for tennis practice now. Peaceee.
Filed under: Friends, Insight, religion | Tags: fear, feelings, life, Michael, questions, religion, self
Well, the religion thing has come back. For awhile, it was all I could think about… Is there a God? Is there a heaven or hell? Then… I didn’t really think about it often. This is just something that I want to be done. I want to be sure. I want to believe in something, whether I understand it or not… I just don’t want something like this to rule my life.
The person that has for sure been there for me the most during all of this is Micheal for sure. He is the only person that is willing to explain things to me and flat out tell me that even he doesn’t understand it completely. What hit me the most was when he said that the God isn’t something that is meant to be understood. I think I like that. There is a God because there is? My first reaction is to deny because for so long I have been searching for proof…. something SOLID to believe in.
The more we talk about it, the more my views change. I went from not believing AT ALL, to know… thinking that I might have been wrong.
What people don’t get is that he explains things differently so that I can understand them. I don’t want people to get upset because they think that I am saying that they haven’t helped in my journey. That’s not what I am saying at all. I am just saying that out of everyone, he seems to be the least biased and helpful in the whole thing.
Filed under: AWESOME, Friends, love | Tags: Emily, Friendship, Krissy, Living, love, Melad, Michael, Poetry, Travis, Trevor, Wesley
I carry your heart with me, I carry it in my heart
I am never without it
anywhere I go you go, my dear
and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling
I fear no fate for you are my fate, my sweet
I want no world for beautiful you are my world, my true
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
Here is the deepest secret nobody knows
Here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart
I carry your heart, I carry it in my heart .
– E.E. Cummings
This is the most amazing poem ever written. I dedicate this is all the people I love, all the people that are carried in my heart, all the people that matter. Without you, my tree would die. Actually, I don’t think that it would be there in the first place. You are the reason I get up and breathe everyday. I love you.
Krissy <3
Wesley <3
Travis <3
Michael <3
Melad <3
Emily <3
Trevor <3
Filed under: AWESOME, Friends, Insight, random | Tags: Alcohol, Birthday, Brian, feelings, Food, Friends, Krissy, Michael, Mom, Party, Thanksgiving, Vacation
This break is going well. I have been hanging out with Krissy a lot and I love it. It is sooo nice to be hanging out with her. It’s almost like old times. I spent the night at her house last night and it was sooo fun. I didn’t stay up very late though because I was up so early for “Black Tuesday” so I had been awake since 4.30 am. It was good though because I got some x-mas things that I wanted. We were watching Boogeyman and because I had already seen it before, I fell asleep early, but it was nice. We slept on the couch in the living room and when I woke up she was right there next to me. Her doggie was sleeping on my lap though :]
I also am currently at another friend’s house. Tomorrow is his birthday and we are at his house to celebrate turning 20. He is kind of like an asshole, but he defidently has his moments and can be a nice guy.. like right now. He is giving me alcohol and letting me use his laptop. He tells a lot of random stories too which is nice because I feel like I am getting to know him better. He really can be a great guy.
I am going to get back to my friends now. There hasn’t been much more to this break then hanging out. I will write about Thanksgiving, but it wasn’t all that good. My mom pissed me the fuck off, but that is something else for another post because it goes into sooo much more drama that I don’t need to bring up.
BRING on THE ALCOHOL!!!! Tonight, I am going to drink away all my problems… Mainly Michael, WHO by the way, finally got a facebook. That is boss and I am kinda of wondering if HE actually made it.
This is BOSS post by the way :]
Filed under: Friends, Insight, random | Tags: Emotions, feelings, Michael, Opening up, Sad, Swim
(It’s old, I wrote it two days ago and I didn’t get to post it… so I am now. I hate having drafts.)
I feel like crying a little. I don’t know why, but hmmm… I went to the boys swim practice monday with Melad and it was fun :] I like me some Michael in jammers <3 He is so fucking sexy and I wish I didn’t like him sometimes. A lot of the time actually. Maybe I should spend time liking someone that I will actually have one day, not someone that doesn’t show emotions or let you in. I think that reason that I don’t want to let go is because I have already spent soo much time and the thing is, I have made progress. He is slowly, slowly opened up to me some.
I just don’t want to give up on something and then look back one day and wonder what would have happened if I had tried a little harder that maybe it would have worked. I don’t want Michael to be my first regret.
(Not letting go of him would have been the thing to regret)
Filed under: Depression, Insight, love | Tags: Billy Joel, Changing, Confidence, Fat, fear, Heart, love, Michael, Rejection, Shallow, Thanksgiving, Travis, Weight, Welsey
Well, today is Thanksgiving and like on most holidays, I am not in the cheeriest mood. I’m not in good moods lately. It’s like something inside of me is holding me back everytime I get that feeling of joy. My mental state doesn’t want to be happy. I just don’t know.
I have also realized that I don’t really see myself in the same light as I used to anymore. I have always been a confident person more or less, but I have noticed that as the days go on, I am becoming less and less sure of myself. I know that it’s stupid to doubt myself because of a guy, but it’s like… if not ONE guy likes me, then there must be something wrong with ME. I can’t keep lying to myself and saying that there isn’t anything wrong with me, that it’s everyone else, but how can it be EVERYone else? I don’t want to be all negative and keep looking for flaws in myself, but I can’t help it.
I have met soo many guys and they all like other girls. I hate to say it, but I think that the only thing that these girls have on me are that they are skinny. I hate to think that people, especially the ones that I like, are really all that shallow. Does weight really mean that much to people? Can they really not see past the size? Am I really that replusive to guys? What did I ever do wrong?
The other thing is that I know I come on strong and I know it scares some people, but it’s like really? EVERYONE?
Maybe it really is just a mental thing though. It’s all in my head… Wesley says that I am awesome and that all these guys are lame and will regret it someday. Let’s see, the guys I have liked:
- Drew – Ended up being a douche and I don’t know why.
- Michael – Doesn’t like me and no reason was given.
- Aaron – Likes Nada.
- Mike – Liked Krissy.
- Christopher – Wanted his ex back, was never all that into me.
- Stephen – Turned gay.
- Jeremy – Loved someone else.
- Trevor – Always had a gf and didn’t see me “like that”.
- Travis – Thinks it’s weird.
- Ron – Was always gay, but had a gf.
- Joe – Likes Jazzmin (I think).
Seems that I have quite a pattern here. Most seem like to like someone else right? Well, maybe it’s not the guys that I choose maybe it’s me. I fall so hard and then let myself fall apart. I did it with Drew and it has taken me so long to get through it. I still have a hard time thinking about him and everything I thought that we had together. It’s the same with Michael. Everyday makes me want to cry because I see him and I talk to him and in the back of my head all I can think is, “See this amazing guy? Yeah… he is amazing and he doesn’t want you. How did you manage to fuck that up?” I have so much love in my heart for him and I can’t help but think that I did something to make him pull away, too make him reject me.
Maybe I just need to change…
(P.S. The title is because Billy Joel is one of Michael’s favorites :-[ )
Filed under: AWESOME, Friends, love | Tags: 007, Amazing, AWESOME, Boss, Dreams, Emily, Friends, James Bond, love, Michael, movies, Panic, Perfect, Travis, Wesley
Today was an AMAZING day…
I didn’t get to see Travie Boy and Michael though and that was kinda the only thing that bummed me out. I had a perfect dream. I wrote a note on my phone when I woke up, here it is: “I had this dream we were together. We were at a party. When danger appeared and you thought you were going to lose me, you held me in your arms and told me that you loved me. I looked into your eyes and knew it was real. All I could do was say, “I love you too.” Then the danger was gone and you still loved me, but we had to hide it. Our love was forbidden. When we got to the end of that street you let go of my hand, held my face in your arms, and kissed me. You said that I could get by without you, but that I would never have to. You would always be there for me. When we got inside and were seperated, I searched across the room and when our eyes locked, neither of us could control the smiles we both had. We walked towards each other and kissed without thinking. The world was watching us now. The world knew and we didn’t care. We had each other. The last thing I remember before I woke up was you whispering in my ear, “I will always love you, I hope everyone knows.”
I’m not going to say who it is about though… I don’t want freaking. I paniced after I woke up, but I was smiling. It’s complicated. That’s all I can say. I’m just really confusing and emotionally conflicted.
Oh, back to the amazing night <3 Wes, Emily, Me, Teddy, Micah, Ryan, and Brian went to go see 007 and it was sooo BOSS. We had to sit in the front because there were so many people and there weren’t seven seats together. There was sooo much action in the movie. I didn’t really want to go see it, but I did because they did. I think the thing that made it so fun was because I was sitting next to Emily and she talks just as much as I do and we were saying random shit the WHOLE movie. I really wish that Michael and Travie Boy could have come, too bad though. There will be other movies right? I hope so. Tonight was a blast!!!!
Filed under: Friends, Insight, music | Tags: Confidence, Fears, feelings, Friends, love, Mattering, Michael, music, People, Something new, Special, Travis, Walking, World
I am sitting here in a hoodie and wool hat because I would rather be freezing than turn on the heat. Doesn’t that make soo much sense. I am not even doing anything. I should be doing my AP Chem lab, but for some reason I can never manage to get into them unless I HAVE to. I kinda wish that Michael was here to help me. He really is really smart.
I was walking down the hall with Travis today and we linked arms. It made me think if that is how I should be feeling all the time. Am I supposed to be that happy all the time? He really does make me happy and it is getting to the point to the point were I’m not sure I could get by without him. I have also come to realize that like everyone thinks that we are together and it doesn’t really bother me. I said something today that really surprised. I was talking to him and I said, “Apparently you are with me, you are one lucky guy because any guy that is with me is one lucky guy.” I said that I was amazing and I think I belived myself. I feel like I am slowly coming up from rock bottom. I can look in the mirror in the morning and smile.
I’m not sure if this is because of Travis or maybe something else…
I also seems that Michael is acting kinda different towards me. He is being strangely nice to me and I don’t know how to take it. He helps me when I ask him, he isn’t really making fun of me, he walks with me in the hallway, he doesn’t seem ashamed of being seen with me. I really like it. I just wonder why it starts NOW after we fight and I have to try to get over him. He came to opening night too :] It made me really happy. He is a great guy and I am glad I have him in my life, but he is such a cause of stress. He is someone that I want in my life so bad that I feel like I have to worry about it all the time for some reason. I don’t know… I just really want him to like me. He also talks about Melad a lot… I know he doesn’t like her, but it’s like… What? Apparently there is some “person” who is talking to him and telling him that she still likes him. I told him that she didn’t. He won’t tell me who either.
I have been listening to a lot of music lately too. I have been exploring and expanding. The way it should be. Speaking of music, there is this song that reminds me of Travis. It’s Naked by Avril and it really is how he makes me feel. I sent him the lyrics in a facebook message… he didn’t have a reply. I really thought that he would like them and maybe even go awww and feel special. I am so scared that I am going to scare him off though. I can’t help it that I am the type of person who comes on strong ALL THE TIME, even in friendships. If I feel like you are someone who is impacting my life for the better, I am going to let you know. I just feel like people need to know that they matter… Maybe it’s because I need to know that I matter.
That’s all I really want though. I just want to matter in this world. I want to die knowing that someone other than family will love me. Someone will care because I mattered to that person. Someone will miss me because I was an amazing person. I have so many people like that, that I just want to be something to someone like they are to me. I am so scared that no one will remember me, that no one will even notice that I am gone.
I mean, we all have fears. Mine my be stupid, but it is a fear none the less.
Filed under: Friends, Insight, love | Tags: Amazing, AWESOME, Boys, Crushes, Differences, Fall play, Friends, guys, Krissy, love, Michael, Night of January 16th, Personalities, Travis
Well, tonight is opeing night for the Fall Play and I am super super pumped! I am so ready to get on that stage and rock it. I am also excited because both Travis and Michael will be coming tonight <3. They are like my favorite guys. If only I could make them into one person, then I would fall in love with the most amazing guy. I don’t think I could do without them being them though. I mean, they both have their flaws, but those are what make them so awesomely amazing.
Travis is this upbeat adorable guy. He is the kind of guy that has a smile that lights up the room and you want to be around him all the time. He is so genuinely happy all the time and I love that. He makes me want to be happy about life. He listens when you talk, most of the time. He has his serious moments, but for the most part he is playful and is always having a good time.
…. I have to go..
I will finish this later.
BREAK A LEG!!
Okay…. Continued…
Umm, Travis. He really is just an amazing person to be around.
Now Michael. He isn’t really the opposite of Travis, but they are pretty different for being brothers. Michael has little to no serious side. He acts like he doesn’t care. If he liked you… You would never know. He is the amazing guy that when you are upset, you just want him to hold you and tell you that you are okay. He is one of those guys that will wrestle with me and NOT let me win. He isn’t happy all the time, but he isn’t the guy that will bring you down. Although, he is like Travis in the fact that he doesn’t really have all that many problems.I don’t know. He is far more hard to figure out than Travis though. Travis is the way he is, Michael just… I don’t know. He is someone that I can’t really read. There is something about him that I love though. It’s hard to not love him.
Okay… I have now come to the thought that I write about boys FAR TOO MUCH. I think that it’s because other than that, I don’t have too many problems. I do miss Krissy though. I am going to see her tonight though!!! I AM SOOO EXCITED!!! I am sooo ready to see her. It has been like a month, which is far too long if you ask me. I love that girly to death and most of time, I don’t know what I would do without her. She is my tree roots :] I just plain ole’ love that girl <3
P.S. Last night was opening night and I did AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (No joke)
