Filed under: Friends, Insight, love | Tags: Emotions, fear, feelings, guys, life, Lost, self, Travis
It seems that everyday it’s harder to wake up in the morning. It seems that everyday, I want to go to school less and less, tennis less and less, home less and less. All I want to do is be around people that love me, people that care. Right now, it seems that my life has become routine and nothingness. I do the same thing everyday…
Wake Up.
Go to school.
Tennis Practice.
Go Home.
Thats all I do… the wild factor in my day is if Travis will be nice to me today. You know, sometimes he does the sweetest things, but somehow they manage to make me cry. He left me about 50 minutes of Voicemail when my phone was off. It was adorable that he spent that much time, just to make me giggle, but then there was ONE voicemail. It was really mean, he said that he hated me, that he never wanted to talk to me again, that I was a bitch. All I could think as I was listening to it was that my world was coming crumbling down. I cried…. and listened… and cried… Then, in like the LAST 30 seconds, he said that it was all a joke, he didn’t mean any of it. I was stunned. Then I listened to the next voicemail where he said that he was sorry again, that we were best friends and that he would never say anything mean about me. I have to wonder though… if he didn’t mean any of it… why would he even THINK it?
It’s like drunk people. They say what they honestly think when they are drinking. He felt that he could say whatever he wanted when he was “joking”.
It just hurt knowing that someone that I care about sooo much could even have these thoughts in his head let alone SAY them TO ME. He is about 120 feet from me and all I want to do is be around him. I want him to talk to me like I really am his best friend… like he trusts me with his feelings…
I don’t know what to do about myself and my feelings anymore. I am making tiny meaningless words into epic essays.
I have created problems for myself, why is it that I can’t solve them most of the time though? I always hurt someone, sometimes myself as well. I need guidance and I’m honestly hoping to find it in God. I’m lost and I need to find that road.
Filed under: Depression, Insight, love | Tags: Broken, Depression, Halloween, Lost, love, Michael, Sad, Satanism, Travis, Wrong
Well, maybe rock bottom isn’t so bad. Maybe I will get used to this feeling… no doubt this has to do with Michael. He is the reason all I wanted to do yesterday, Halloween, was curl up on the couch and die. I did that more or less… I layed down and wacthed scary movies, drank hot coco, and cheered for the bad guy. I also found myself actually thinking as a satanist… I was in bed and I had a thought. “It is all hollows eve, the holiest of all days, and I am in bed by 11:40. Lame.”
Lately, one of the small pleasures I get in life is talking to Travis, Michael’s brother. He is adorable and a truely awesome kid… I mean young man. He likes saying that he is a “man”. I dont’ mind though because besides Wes and Kris, it seems like he is the only person who cares about me. Talking to him and seeing him has become a hgihlight of my day. He just makes me smile for no reason all the time. I went to the Choir Concert on thursday. I sat next to him and I know this is going to sound a little creepy, but I found myself watching him an awful lot. I can’t help but look at him and smile. It’s been a long time since I have felt this way. He is just so… real you know? He doesn’t put up a front when he is around me. He just is who he is. I dont’ have to try around him.
Reading that, it sure sounds like I like like him doesn’t it? Well, I can’t completely say that I don’t, but I am really really REALLY trying to push it out of my mind. I can’t like him. I can’t like him. He is 14. I am 16. He is a freshmen. I am a junior. He is michael’s brother for pete’s sake!!!! I can’t like him. I can’t like him. The more I say it though, the less I believe it. I have asked people and they think that it is okay. Two years is no big deal right? I mean… I am being a giant hypocrite. My last bf was 21… thats FIVE years. I am hoping that I just kinda have this feeling because he is like Michael, plus some more. He really does have all the things that Michael is missing. Besides, what’s wrong with liking him?… it’s not like I am in a relationship with him right? Hehe. I just remembered that he is probally going to read this and either 1, be scared, or 2, be scared and think I’m crazy. I would bet on both. Who knows, maybe I will be right for a change.
….took a break…
Well, I just got done talking to Michael and from the conversation I can say that he doesn’t like me. Maybe it is okay for me to blame myself. I know everyone is going to say that it isn’t my fault, but I know it is. There has to be something about me that he doesn’t like which makes it my problem. He really is a sweet guy, but I don’t know. All I can tell myself is that I am going to be better off by not liking him anymore.
I can’t just NOT like him though. I have spent so much time on him and the feelings I have for him that I really kinda don’t know what to do now. I don’t know if thisngs are going to change between me and him now, or if there is still going to be that unlying feeling present. I know I will get through this, but like I said in a previous… I don’t think that I am going to be okay.
I am so mad at myself for allowing myself to get hurt again. I know that I was putting myself out there by having feelings for him, but I didn’t think that it would hurt the second time around. I really did hope that it would work out and that I wouldn’t have to experience the pain of a broken heart again… I have no idea where to go from here, but hopefully I will get through this again and still be okay.
I really hope I will be okay… I don’t think so though. I can’t get through this on my own. Not again.
Filed under: Depression, Friends, Insight, love | Tags: Brother, Christopher, College, Disappointment, Friends, Hatred, Loser, Lost, love, Mr. Perfect, Satanism, Wicca
Well, it’s been awhile and everything in my life that could have gone wrong has. I found the perfect guy who wanted to be with me and it’s been fucked up. I haven’t hung out with the people I love most in awhile. My best friend has left me to rot in this shit hole called a town while she has wonderful adventures in college. I hate my brother, but that is nothing new… I have to go back to school soon and of course I am not prepared. I am once again confused about what I believe and what I want. I feel like I once again want to crawl into a corner and die. I just wish that so many things could be different.
Let’s start with the beginning. I found an amazing guy who wanted to be with me. His name is Chris B and he is truly amazing. He is 21 and sooo nice. He is hot and sensitive. The biggest thing that was a turn on is that he didn’t just want to fuck me. He wanted a relationship me and even asked me out on a date. I was sooo excited because my mom said that I could go out with him. Then once my brother found out that I was going on a date with him he FLIPPED OUT. I didn’t tell my mom that he was 21 because I didn’t want her to say that I couldn’t go out with him so I said that I didn’t know how old he was. Then when she got home she told me that I couldn’t go out with him and of course my brother sent out the forces. He had friends slap him up a bit. He had everyone tell Chris not to talk to me, but being as amazing as he is… he still did. He still wanted to see me and for once I thought that I had found that one guy that wouldn’t make me cry.
When I thought this I was thinking too soon. Last night I was talking to him about him coming over today and he was all game and then when I told him that I didn’t know if Bruce was going to be home he got all freaked out and told me that he didn’t want to talk to me anymore… that it “wasn’t going to work out” because he “valued life too much”. These are exact words. I couldn’t do anything, but cry then. That’s all I did for about an hour and a half. Now I am not talking my brother. I am done with him. I lost having a future with an amazing guy because of him and it’s the last time I am ever going to let him think that he can make decisions for me. He can’t even fix his own life. Who the fuck is he is to think that he can run my life!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Krissy has left the building. She has moved away. She has met new friends. She has a new phone. She has a new life. I’m in the past now… That’s just how I feel about that right now. I feel like when I talk to her now she has all these inside things with everyone else that I don’t know about. I feel like everything I ever had with her won’t be the same. WE wouldn’t be the same. I just want them to go back to how they were, but now I know that it can’t. Everyone has to move on with life and if her moving on means leaving me then I wish her the best of luck. I hope she knows that I will always love her though :]
I now have summer reading that I haven’t even finished reading and question that I only have ONE answer to. I should do it, but for some reason I keep putting it off. I go back to school in a week and something makes me want to hold on to summer. It’s not like anything good happened that makes me want it all back, but I kinda feel like it was wasted on nothingness. I just want it all back so that I can do something significant with the time I had.
Surprise Surprise. I am thinking about learning about being Pagan and Wiccan. I’m thinking that something in me wants to think that nothing but human controls the world, but I can’t seem to make it stick. I don’t think that I am going to convert to anything just yet, but I want to learn. I am still learning about Satanism and the more I read, the more I feel like I believe it. I was reading today about the Satanistic point of view on love. They believe that love is a special thing that should only be given to those that deserve it. It how I feel. I am sick of giving love to people who have shown me no reason to. I am just sick of getting hurt. I’m starting to have a different view on everything I ever thought. I’m starting to open up my mind.
Hopefully… some things in my life will change along with my mindset.
