Filed under: AWESOME, Concerts, Friends, Insight, love, music | Tags: Amazing, AWESOME, Drew, feelings, guys, happy, life, music
Well, last night was pretty awesome. Party Like Summer had an amazing set (even though I’m a little biased). I was in the front, although it’s not like there were all that many people there to stop me fro being up front. I was a chicken in the beginning and Bradlee walked past me about a billion times, but I was scared so I didn’t say anything. Then after his set I went outside and he was there so we hung out for a little bit and talked. He is a really cool guy and I’m glad that I met him or even texted him in the first place. Thanks Christofer Drew <3 I got tons of hugs and a kiss on the cheek and he told me to call him, which I will.
The only thing that stresses me out about with him is that it’s hard to have actual conversation with him sometimes. I’m not used to having to wait forever for someone to text me back and I don’t mean to be impatient, but it bothers me when he’s like “Im a busy beee” when I know for a fact that he is sitting in a van doing nothing..Lol. Oh well, I don’t need to stress. He is simply a friend.
On an even better note, today was awesome too. I hung out at the house until like one and then went to Drew’s house. We walked around Berkley while he tried to find a job. No luck though. It was nice hanging out with him though. Favorite moment all day : We were sitting on the couch watching tv, my head is on his shoulder, he moves his head down and kisses me. Then after one I turned my head because I thought it was only one and he turns to me and says “I wasn’t done.” and kisses me again. It still makes me smile. It’s just nice to know that the boy I love likes kissing me :]]]
This weekend was amazing.
Oh, I don’t know if I posted, but Groves’ production of Guys and Dolls was AMAZING! I WISH that SL could have shows like that. The Fall Play is this weekend and I hope for the love of Jesus, that it goes well. BREAK A LEG!
Filed under: AWESOME, Insight, random | Tags: Amazing, feelings, Friends, guys, happy, life, school, Travis
Travis told me to write a new blog so I think I will. This week has been kind of okay. I wasn’t feeling that well on monday or tuesday, so on tuesday I didn’t go to school. I talked to Bradlee all day though :] He is someone that is so awesome. I don’t know what is going to happen with him. He is in a band. Their name is Party Like Summer and the music is super amazing! I’m going to his show in Lansing on sunday night. I am excited to see him <3 Bradlee Meredith is simply amazing… I don’t know what else to say.
I miss Krissy :[
Life is kinda okay now. Drew comes home for good either today or tomorrow. I hope that things work out with us. I’m not willing to let go of him, but I don’t know anymore. I had this really long talk with Grace last night. It was really nice. We talked for like 3 hours after everyone else left Bible Study. Last night was a good time <3
Filed under: Friends, Insight, love | Tags: confusion, Drew, Emotions, Friends, guys, happy, Krissy, life, love, Relationships
What do you do when you thought that everything was going amazing and that something seems to throw in a wrench? I feel like this is whats happening. I love Drew. I really do, but sometimes I feel like I am the only one feeling it. I don’t understand why it’s so hard for him to just commit to me. To tell people that I am his “girlfriend”. I don’t even know what to say about him anymore. I can’t really call him my “boyfriend” but he’s not…nothing… I just don’t even know what to say anymore. I can’t give up. I can’t let go. I try to be okay with everything that he puts me through. He doesn’t hurt me on purpose… This is hard.
I hope I see him today.
Travis hugged me yesterday. He was leaning on the lockers and I came and leaned on him and he put his arms around me. It made me happy, but I feel it’s a little too little a little too late.
I love Kris and seeing her this week and spending time with her was amazing. I am soo gladd that she is happy. Pilot is a good guy and he makes her so happy. I am this lasts forever :] I never thought that I would be jealous of my best friend’s LONG DISTANCE relationship though…
Filed under: AWESOME, Depression, Friends, Insight, love, random | Tags: Amazing, AWESOME, boyfriend, confusion, Drew, Emotions, fear, guys, life, school, Travis
Drew flaked on me. I guess to explain this, I should start from the beginning.
We have been talking the last couple weeks.
He asked for my number. I gave it to him.
He called me last night when I was at work, I called when I got off.
We talked for 3.5 hours until I was falling asleep.
Now it’s all caught up. We had made plans to hang out pretty much all day today. I was gonna spend the night at his house. I was looking forward to having him for the whole weekend :] Last night he told me to call him when I wake up, so thats what I did. We talk real quick and then he says hes going to go take a shower. Then he calls me back a little later and says that there is a major change in plans :[ He says that we can't hang out because he has to go do something with his mom and his other friend. I am really bummed and I know he feels really bad, but what can I do? Nothing. He promised me all next weekend <3 I think that I am going to bring to the football game. I don't know if it's a good idea though...because of Travis. I feel like real soon I am going to have to choose one. I don't want to, but I can't like both. They both can't be my love interest.
Krissy says that this is a sign, us not being able to hang out. I can't lie though and say that part of me doesn't agree, but I can't really explain it. I can't explain in words how good it feels to hear him say "I love you".
I feel like in a lot of ways I compare Drew and Travis and I know it's wrong but I can't help it. It's like they have what the oppisite doesn't. Drew has my heart. Travis has my friendship. Drew has the years of past. Travis has the everyday. Drew has the deep stuff. Travis has the fun stuff. Drew was there in a tough time. Travis is there now. I don't know. I just feel like in the end, Drew is going to win out for my heart. I also think this is because Travis doesn't really seem to want my heart. He keeps trying to hook me up with other people, always girls though. Travis is honestly one of my best friends.
This is hard. I am looking still looking forward to this weekend though :] I am going to the movies with Nada, Nora, Jade, Anthony, and some of his friends. We are going to see Paranormial Activity :] Tomorrow morning I have church and I think I might be working sunday during the day. Then I have youth group on Sunday night.
Oh, about Senior Highs… I feel like I need to try harder to be quiet. A lot of the time, I have a problem with self control. I need to learn when it’s okay to talk and when it’s not. I don’t want Grace to think that I am disrespecting her when I talk a lot.
Future Shows I plan on seeing:
Party Like Summer – Nov 6 in Lansing
NeverShoutNever – December 12 at the Filmore <3
Filed under: Friends, Insight, random, school | Tags: Emily, fear, feelings, guys, happy, Krissy, life, Melad, school, Wesley
All I can think about right now is the future. How much I want to go to college. How my idea of the future has changed so much in the last fews years… I’m still scared of the future, but I am more than willing to embrace it now. I feel like I am finally ready to live the life that I deserve. Here is the map for senior year.
SENIOR YEAR 2009-2010
- Go to as many sporting events as possible.
- Have a kick ass final homecoming.
- Work on GSA!
- Join some new clubs.
- Mantain atleast a 3.7 :]
- Get Senior Jersey : ” Disposable Teen” hehe
- Join NHS.
- Land a leading role in Fall Play.
- Be on singles for tennis.
- Be tennis captain for SECOND year <3.
- Be happy.
- Apply to all colleges early.
- Find a boy.
- Spend as much time as possible with Wes, Em, and Mel.
- Visit Kris more often.
- Have a role in the Spring Musical.
- Be ACTUAL member of youth group.
- Learn to play guitar.
- Go to Yale for Spring Break with Wes :]
- GET A JOB!
- Save money for Europe
- Have a bitchin time at Prom.
- Look AMAZING at Graduation.
- Grow hair out.
- Get a car?
- Get second tattoo.
- Do all the “senior” things…
Thats about it for right now. It seems like a good list. I have goals and I think that almost ALL of these are attainable. I can’t wait. I just don’t want to loose that motivation and drive to do this all. I also am a little worried that I am going to run myself ragged. I want to enjoy my senior year, not jampack it and let it run past me….
Filed under: Friends, Insight, love | Tags: Emotions, fear, feelings, guys, life, Lost, self, Travis
It seems that everyday it’s harder to wake up in the morning. It seems that everyday, I want to go to school less and less, tennis less and less, home less and less. All I want to do is be around people that love me, people that care. Right now, it seems that my life has become routine and nothingness. I do the same thing everyday…
Wake Up.
Go to school.
Tennis Practice.
Go Home.
Thats all I do… the wild factor in my day is if Travis will be nice to me today. You know, sometimes he does the sweetest things, but somehow they manage to make me cry. He left me about 50 minutes of Voicemail when my phone was off. It was adorable that he spent that much time, just to make me giggle, but then there was ONE voicemail. It was really mean, he said that he hated me, that he never wanted to talk to me again, that I was a bitch. All I could think as I was listening to it was that my world was coming crumbling down. I cried…. and listened… and cried… Then, in like the LAST 30 seconds, he said that it was all a joke, he didn’t mean any of it. I was stunned. Then I listened to the next voicemail where he said that he was sorry again, that we were best friends and that he would never say anything mean about me. I have to wonder though… if he didn’t mean any of it… why would he even THINK it?
It’s like drunk people. They say what they honestly think when they are drinking. He felt that he could say whatever he wanted when he was “joking”.
It just hurt knowing that someone that I care about sooo much could even have these thoughts in his head let alone SAY them TO ME. He is about 120 feet from me and all I want to do is be around him. I want him to talk to me like I really am his best friend… like he trusts me with his feelings…
I don’t know what to do about myself and my feelings anymore. I am making tiny meaningless words into epic essays.
Filed under: Friends, Insight, love, random, school | Tags: feelings, Friends, guys, life, Michael, Relationships, self, Travis
I just got home from Footloose rehersal and I came to the realization that I am actually really annoying. I’m sure that’s why Michael never liked me, because I annoy him. I more than likely bother many others, just no one wants to say anything to me. It’s nice that no one wants to hurt my feelings, but you would think that atleast ONE person would tell you that you are annoying right? I was walking around today following Michael because I had nothing better to do. I don’t know why, but I really like being around him. He is a cool guy. I don’t know. I was being stupid. I am know that I don’t like him like THAT anymore, but it’s hard to stop acting like I do… I am so used to being protective and clingy that it comes second nature when I am around him.
The other thing that is hard is acting like knowing that he likes someone isn’t bothering me. He likes someone. I don’t know what it is about those words that cause me to freak out. I think it was the trying so hard and him never liking me back part. I just want to be like what does she have that I don’t? Is it because she swims? Is it because she sings? Is it because she is mixed? Come to think of it, she almost sounds like the female version of Michael. Maybe that was it… we didn’t have enough in common? I don’t know… I’m not stressing about that anymore. It didn’t work and that’s fine because it brought me to Travis, which no matter how big of a douche he is, I will NEVER regret the time I spend with him.
He really has been being a douche bag lately though. I don’t know why, but he won’t hug me. He always comes in as if he is going to hug me and that pulls away and won’t. It actually makes me really mad. He sees that I still like him, he knows that I am willing to give him time and space, he knows that I would do anything for him and he honestly uses that. Last wednesday I had a meeting after school and he knew that, but he was waiting for swim practice to start and he had no one to wait with so he called me. He knew I would do exactly what I did, come running. I did too. I ditched my meeting and said that I had to leave, went down to the pool, waited with him and ended up staying for practice.
That practice was really fun though because I pushed him in the pool :] SOOOOOOOOOOOO worth getting soaked, going outside, and getting larengitis……….. I have to go change for tennis practice now. Peaceee.
Filed under: Friends, Insight, love | Tags: Amazing, AWESOME, Boys, Crushes, Differences, Fall play, Friends, guys, Krissy, love, Michael, Night of January 16th, Personalities, Travis
Well, tonight is opeing night for the Fall Play and I am super super pumped! I am so ready to get on that stage and rock it. I am also excited because both Travis and Michael will be coming tonight <3. They are like my favorite guys. If only I could make them into one person, then I would fall in love with the most amazing guy. I don’t think I could do without them being them though. I mean, they both have their flaws, but those are what make them so awesomely amazing.
Travis is this upbeat adorable guy. He is the kind of guy that has a smile that lights up the room and you want to be around him all the time. He is so genuinely happy all the time and I love that. He makes me want to be happy about life. He listens when you talk, most of the time. He has his serious moments, but for the most part he is playful and is always having a good time.
…. I have to go..
I will finish this later.
BREAK A LEG!!
Okay…. Continued…
Umm, Travis. He really is just an amazing person to be around.
Now Michael. He isn’t really the opposite of Travis, but they are pretty different for being brothers. Michael has little to no serious side. He acts like he doesn’t care. If he liked you… You would never know. He is the amazing guy that when you are upset, you just want him to hold you and tell you that you are okay. He is one of those guys that will wrestle with me and NOT let me win. He isn’t happy all the time, but he isn’t the guy that will bring you down. Although, he is like Travis in the fact that he doesn’t really have all that many problems.I don’t know. He is far more hard to figure out than Travis though. Travis is the way he is, Michael just… I don’t know. He is someone that I can’t really read. There is something about him that I love though. It’s hard to not love him.
Okay… I have now come to the thought that I write about boys FAR TOO MUCH. I think that it’s because other than that, I don’t have too many problems. I do miss Krissy though. I am going to see her tonight though!!! I AM SOOO EXCITED!!! I am sooo ready to see her. It has been like a month, which is far too long if you ask me. I love that girly to death and most of time, I don’t know what I would do without her. She is my tree roots :] I just plain ole’ love that girl <3
P.S. Last night was opening night and I did AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (No joke)
I came home yesterday from tennis practice. Innocent as a lamb. I come home and who is here? My brother and his best friend Chris. What were they doing? Playing beer pong. Duh. I should have known. I ended up playing with them and I got so fucking toasted. I was walking around and I don’t even know how many times I fell dude. I made like 4 boxes of Mac and Cheese too. Bruce and Chris have this weird thing about Macaroni and Cheese with Cheese Puffs. It looks so fucking gross. They wanted me to try it and I wouldn’t because I think that I would have fucking thrown up. I played like 6 games of beer pongs and I am pretty good.
Scores:
Bruce and Janelle vs. Chris
JANELLE WIN
Bruce and Janelle vs. Chris
JANELLE WIN
Chris and Janelle vs. Bruce
JANELLE WIN
Chris and Janelle vs. Bruce
BRUCE WIN
I was so drunk by the end of the 4th game that I don’t remember you was winning after that I have no idea who won. It was fun though. I have never drank with my brother before or any of his friends. I kept calling guys. I was texting people too. I texted Steven and told him that I loved him. I didn’t mean it in the LOVE LOVE way, but he was freaking because he knew that I was drunk and COULD have meant it the other way. I don’t love him in that way though. I do love him, but it’s because he has been there for me lately. He has been my rock and when I felt like shit he has been there. I have really grown close to him in the late couple months. I am going to miss him a lot next year. He promised that he won’t ignore me though so it’s all good.
I have realized something. I tend to call people when I get drunk. People I called when I was drunk:
-
Drew
-
Michael
-
Mike
-
Bookert
I didn’t call Steven, but I texted him.
I need to have my phone taken from me when I drink. Actually, I am really proud that I didn’t throw up from the beer. I wanted to though. I went into the bathroom and TRIED to throw up, but it didn’t work. Lmao. I call people that I have had feelings for all of these people at one time. ALL of them I liked at one time. God, I think that I am glad that no one picked up.
Filed under: Insight | Tags: age, alone, feelings, Friends, guys, manson, problems, school, self, titanic, young
I have been thinking a lot lately about myself and how I live my life. I don’t think that I do things that make me bad, atleast not in my eyes. I think that somehow I am setting myself up to get hurt. I depressed all the time. It’s not really depressed depressed. Sometimes I just don’t know how to describe it. I feel like I have lost my passion for life. All I think about nowadays is what I am doing that day or Marilyn Manson. I am truly obsessed. I think that I have to be obessed with him. Simply for the fact that I have no guy in real life to think about all the time. I HAD Trevor, but I haven’t talked to him in so long. It’s been about 2 or 3 weeks. I haven’t talked to him since the day before the super bowl. I think his failure to call is what has led to this evaluation. I keep thinking about what is wrong with me. Why wouldn’t he call? Did I do something wrong? Did I call too much? Was I too eager? Maybe after he had sex with me, he didn’t want anymore. Maybe the thought of me makes him sick. I will never talk to him about these things though. I can guarantee you that. There is no way that I can say this without seeming winey and attached. I don’t really have the right to be attached though. I knew that he had a girlfriend. Anyways. I am way off topic. I will be back to the evaulation now. Here are the aspects of my life.
Boys - As you can tell from previous blogs and the writing above, I have some issues. I seem to have the habit of hooking up with people. I don’t have sex with them all. I have made out with a lot of guys and I have given oral to a lot of guys. I am careful and everything. I have been tested. I think the reason I do that is because I like feeling wanted and attractive. Something about making a guy sexually excited is exciting to me. I have only had sex with two guys. Trevor and Ron. Maybe I should get off of guys for a little while. Cool my jets. Honest, I don’t think that I have the actual time for guys, but I can’t help it. I am a natural flirt. Even with guys that I don’t like and would never do anything with. It’s horrible. I don’t want to become that guy that hooks up with everyone, but I think that I am too late. Ugh. Is it bad that I am typing this and still hoping that Trevor will call?
School – I need to start paying a lot more attention in school. I’m so busy with after school shit and everyday drama that my studies have gotten the rotten end of the deal. I got a 3.2 on my reprt card. Don’t get me wrong. That is good, but I know that I can do better. I have done better. The basic reason I got to low is because of my engish final (I got a C because my teacher didn’t tell us EXACTLY how to write the essay) and my math grade. Math isn’t really my best subject. At the moment, I have a D+ because I don’t understand what we are doing and my teacher isn’t the best teacher. Nothing that she teaches us makes sense to me. She talks and talks and talks and maybe once in awhile it will make sense. Most of the time I am lucky if I understand how to do the homework. Needless to say that I don’t do so hot on my tests and this is where I need to do good on tests. They are worth almost 80% of our grade. Hopefully after I hand in my test corrections I will have a C. I really need to get a tutor….or someone that has enough patience to teach me.
Family – I love my family. I don’t think that I have many problems with my family. I love my mom, but it seems that she doesn’t trust me anymore. Ever since that night with Trevor, she thinks that I am going to go and sleep every guy that I know. It’s like she thinks that I am going to get pregnant and ruin my life or something. Having sex with two guys doesn’t make me a whore. She has become spaz lately. She is never home and she wants me to hang out with my friends, but yet she doesn’t. It’s so confusing. I have been home for a year and a half now and it’s nice. I still have some old habits. I still feel like I need to keep things from the parent figure. I still feel like I need to sneak around. When that is all you do for years that is what you are used to. I usually won’t talk on the phone when she is around. I don’t mean to keep things from her, it’s just habit. I don’t know. Sometimes it seems like she wants to be more or my friend than my mom and I don’t mind that. It’s just that I get so confused and I never know how she will act when I tell her something. Parent or Friend. Then she says that when I don’t get what I want I put some sort of guilt trip on her….which I don’t. I don’t hold what she did against her. It made me who I am, but sometimes I am not so sure that that is a good thing.
Friends – I don’t have many troubles when it comes to my friends. I still miss a lot of the people in Troy even though it has been so long. I miss the comfort that I felt when I was in middle school. I wasn’t afraid to be myself. I’m not really afraid to be myself out here, but you know sometimes it’s hard. I want to scream in the hallways, and I do, but I don’t like the looks that I get from it. I want to feel comfortable being who I am. I hate to say it, but sometimes I feel like my own friends are judging me. I feel a constant burning in my mind. I hate how I am the youngest. They are going to be out doing shit all together and where will Janelle be? At home, because she isn’t legal. Will Janelle get to go to Canada? No. Will Janelle get to go skydiving? No. Does Janelle get to go out and party in the clubs? No. I feel like I am kind of a tag a long in my group. Next year my best friend will be gone. She’ll be in college and she will have Erica and Sarah to talk to. She won’t need me. Ron will be god knows where. Gabs will have work and school. Heiress is leaving. I feel like all my lifeboats are sinking. I think that I know how the people on the titanic felt. Maybe not, but I feel so alone sometimes. I have so many things that I want to say and I want to talk about, but I can’t because I know my friends. I know that all I will get is some smart ass remark and a frown. I feel like I still have to impress them. There is a chalkboard in my mind where there are tallies marks for when I mess up. I know that I have messed up when I am being yelled at. Another down fall of being the baby. I am talked down to a lot and I made feel like I don’t know anything. I hate it. I don’t know. I feel like I need to make the best of everything considering I will be alone next year.
I don’t know what I was looking for with this, but I hope that it made something in my mind click.
<3Marilyn Manson!
