Filed under: Insight, religion | Tags: Changing, confusion, Emotions, feelings, God, religion
Everyday people die for what they believe in. I was talking to my friend Emily yesterday and she mentioned that a certain Flyleaf song was written about Columbine. I looked it up, and sure enough, “Cassie” was written about Cassie Bernall, one of the young girls who was killed at Columbine.
The story behind the song is that Cassie Bernall was asked by one of the shooters if she believed in God and her last words were yes. She died for her faith in God. The actual trueness of these events are questionable and there are many people that say it didn’t happen. The girl she was sitting with in the library said she screamed to God about why was this happening to her, and then the shooter came out of nowhere and surprised her… and shot her.
Anyways, the point of this was not whether or not it happened, but the fact that people can do something like that. It’s something that I am desperately searching for, that blind faith that Cassie Bernall had. She knew that if she said yes, she was going to die and she still stayed true to God. I don’t know if I could honestly do that. I want to be able to, but it’s so hard for me to put all my faith, and ultimately, my life in the hands of something/someone I can’t prove is there and will never be able to. I feel like I need some kind of proof that I’m not going to be punished again… that I’m not going to hurt again before I put all my faith in Him.
Thats what they talked about at youth group on Sunday. They said that we are all children of God and that even when we wonder, God will always be there ready for us to come back. That He never stops loving us regardless of what we think. I was upset that I missed it because it was basically EVERYTHING I am. Emily said that God is going to throw a party for me when I go back to him. This made me think,… people who have faith have good things that come to them. Right? This isn’t really true though. There are some people that have absolutely NO faith and they are as happy as a clam. Others, who make God a staple in their lives, get the shit deal.
It just doesn’t seem fair, if you love God, he should love you and reward you, NOT give you a hard life…
I though yesterday that maybe all of the bads things in my life are a blessing in disguise. Maybe I was given so many challenges because God knew I was strong, he knew I could handle it. I mean, it’s understandable that not everyone can have the picture perfect life, but come on… I have to have THAT MANY things go wrong? Not really. I could have done without the cutting, the abuse, and the lies. I don’t know, I’m just trying to understand all of this and it’s getting harder the more I get into it, but I feel like everyday I am getting closer to that faith I am looking for. It’s going to take A LOT of steps to get there, but one day I will and one day I will know that everything is going to be okay.
Filed under: Insight, religion | Tags: confusion, Emotions, fear, feelings, God, life, religion
The lyrics stream through my head.
The tears stream down my face.
I don’t know where this began.
I don’t know this forgien place.
Am I happy?
Am I sad?
My mind of feels out of sync.
Is this destiny?
Is this hell?
How do I find the missing link?
It’s you.
It’s me.
It’s us.
The music made me see the light.
It let me see what we could be.
It made me see I would loose us.
So slow down, take a breath.
Make a thought that is complete.
Keep your head clear.
Stand flat on your feet.
Walk to the light.
Walk to his love.
End your fight.
Let him take your fears above.
I have created problems for myself, why is it that I can’t solve them most of the time though? I always hurt someone, sometimes myself as well. I need guidance and I’m honestly hoping to find it in God. I’m lost and I need to find that road.
Filed under: Family, Insight, Prejudice | Tags: bible, Catholic, confusion, God, Minister, questions, Real, religion, satan, Satanism
I have gotten to the stage in my life where I am beginning to explore my spirituality. I was raised in the catholic faith, but as I have gotten older I have realized that that is not what I believe. I don’t believe in the Jesus was the son of god and died for our sins thing. I don’t believe in all the miracles that the bible says happened to all these holy people. I don’t do the whole everyone believing in the same exact thing. I also REALLY don’t do the whole live my life to makes some holy figure that I can’t even see happy. How do I even know that god is real? How do I know that all those prayers I said when I was little really get answered? Were they even heard?
This is where I have come to question faith. I don’t even know if I believe in God…. let alone HOW.I don’t know if I am agnostic, because I am not all that sure if I believe in God, but then it’s like am I Atheist? I don’t know. I know that I don’t believe in the Bible… I know that I don’t do the whole everyone do exactly the same thing all the time. The thing that makes me think it why are there so many things that are supposed to miricales that can be proven by other things. Not only science… Other religions. Why is it that everyone is fighting about religion when they are all more or less believing in the same thing. How is the Allah different from God? Why does it matter what you believe in to people so much?
I’m not trying to say to I am going to become a Satanist with this post. I am just trying to get some of the feelings that I have out. I am so sick of everything I do that is good in my life being thanked. Why is it that God gets all the credit when I do something amazing. But, why is it that God also is held accountable when something bad happens? When someone dies people always say that it was “God’s will”. Who says that he gets to decide when someone is ready to die? What makes this invisible “force” so powerful. I have thought about this and when I read it in the Satanic Bible it made so much sense. Man made God. Man invented God. Also, that we aren’t really created in the image of God. God was made in the image of the “perfect” man. We thank God for everything when it is really Man that should be thanked. This means that everytime we praise God or thank Him… we are really thanking the Man that invented God.
I have learned through experience that you can’t live with regret. You can’t live with guilt. In the Catholic faith they say that God will grant forgiveness if you ask… If forgiveness is so easy then why is it so sought after? Why does it really matter what we do if, in the end, we are going to be forgiven? I am sick of doing what I think will make someone else happy because the church is happy. I want to live my life to make ME happy… not everyone else in the general population. My biggest thing is… If I’m not hurting anyone, why can’t I do want makes me happy? If being gay makes me happy… why can’t I be gay? If having sex makes me happy… why can’t I have sex? If you really think about it, everything that most religions won’t let you are things that make you physically, emotionally, or mentally happy. Sex. Food. Lust. Anger. Revenge. Envy. Basically the seven deadly sins…
I think that I just need to take some time and evaluate what I really believe. I just really hope that my family will give me the chance. My mother is having a large problem with all of this. She feels that she is failing because I have rejected the Catholic faith… She was a minister and now her own daughter is reading the Satanic Bible. I can understand it, but I just want her to give me a chance. I just want to create myself to make me happy.
