Filed under: AWESOME, Alcohol, Concerts, Friends, Insight, music | Tags: Alcohol, AWESOME, Bradlee, feelings, Friends, music, random, songs, Travis
Tonight is supposed to be the night. Tonight is the night I am going to Lansing to see Bradlee. I texted him this morning though and now I am more confused than ever. Nevermind. He just texted me back…. He makes me feel smile and gives me butterflies. I feel like this is some kind of dream though because I mean, what music loving girl doesn’t wanna get with the lead singer of a band? I’m pretty sure every girl does. It’s hot. He told me to come find him before the show, well as soon as I get there. I am so excited to see him in action. He is such a sweetheart and the music is amazing too. I am listening to the song “All We Know” right now it makes my stomach turn, but in a good way. I hope that even if things don’t work out like they do in my head, they still work out well. The whole night is seeming to fall together. I am leaving around like 4 and the show starts at 5:30. Then after the show, well what happens happens and I am crashing at Sarah’s for the night. My mom thinks that Sarah is coming with me. I am a little worried to go alone, but I mean, it’s a bar in Lansing with undiscovered bands playing, what could happen. The only thing I am stressing is that he has only seen me in pictures and when he sees me in person he won’t like what he sees. I am a fat slob in person and I have learned how to angle pics to make me look super good. I don’t know. I need to calm down and not stress out. Thats not what I need right now.
Oh, I’m also a little worried about how Tuesday is going to go. It will be when I go back to school and see Travis. I got a little drunk on Friday and texted him some kinda forward things. I mean, with him, I always wanna give him another shot because he is so important to me and my everyday life. I just don’t want to freak him out like I have a habit of doing with guys… A LOT.
Whatever. I don’t wanna talk about that anymore. I already kind of regret saying that stuff to him. When I think about it I kind of sound like a whore, which I know I’m not, I just have a lot of whore tendencies. It’s just when I see Travis, I think about how he hasn’t done ANYTHING more than holding hands and a simple kiss on the lips and how I know he wants to do more so bad, but doesn’t feel comfortable with a girl enough to do anything. I mean if anyone, he should be comfortable with me right? He trusts me and I am like his best friend. I don’t know. I just don’t want someone to take advantage of him or for him to have a bad first experience with some horrible girl. I want him to have it with me. Honestly, that sounds horrible. It sounds like I am some Dazed and Confused actor trying to deflower the young girls. “Thats one thing I love about high school girls. I keep getting older and they stay the same age.” 
DDD Tsk Tsk Janelle :p
Filed under: AWESOME, Insight, random | Tags: Amazing, feelings, Friends, guys, happy, life, school, Travis
Travis told me to write a new blog so I think I will. This week has been kind of okay. I wasn’t feeling that well on monday or tuesday, so on tuesday I didn’t go to school. I talked to Bradlee all day though :] He is someone that is so awesome. I don’t know what is going to happen with him. He is in a band. Their name is Party Like Summer and the music is super amazing! I’m going to his show in Lansing on sunday night. I am excited to see him <3 Bradlee Meredith is simply amazing… I don’t know what else to say.
I miss Krissy :[
Life is kinda okay now. Drew comes home for good either today or tomorrow. I hope that things work out with us. I’m not willing to let go of him, but I don’t know anymore. I had this really long talk with Grace last night. It was really nice. We talked for like 3 hours after everyone else left Bible Study. Last night was a good time <3
Filed under: Friends, Insight, love | Tags: confusion, Drew, Emotions, Friends, guys, happy, Krissy, life, love, Relationships
What do you do when you thought that everything was going amazing and that something seems to throw in a wrench? I feel like this is whats happening. I love Drew. I really do, but sometimes I feel like I am the only one feeling it. I don’t understand why it’s so hard for him to just commit to me. To tell people that I am his “girlfriend”. I don’t even know what to say about him anymore. I can’t really call him my “boyfriend” but he’s not…nothing… I just don’t even know what to say anymore. I can’t give up. I can’t let go. I try to be okay with everything that he puts me through. He doesn’t hurt me on purpose… This is hard.
I hope I see him today.
Travis hugged me yesterday. He was leaning on the lockers and I came and leaned on him and he put his arms around me. It made me happy, but I feel it’s a little too little a little too late.
I love Kris and seeing her this week and spending time with her was amazing. I am soo gladd that she is happy. Pilot is a good guy and he makes her so happy. I am this lasts forever :] I never thought that I would be jealous of my best friend’s LONG DISTANCE relationship though…
Filed under: Friends, music, school | Tags: Amazing, Friends, Homecoming, love, school, Senior, Set, Travis
I just got home. I did a lot of shit today at school. It was pretty good though. I finally saw Travis. He wasn’t at school yesterday. I found out this morning that it was because his great grand dad passed away. I feel bad, but he seems to be holding up well. I don’t want to see him upset. I think thats why most of the time, I just do what he wants. I know that it’s not always the smartest thing, but I know that I want him to be happy and if that means going along with him than to me, thats fine. I don’t see the harm in it. I had set crew today after school too. It was fun, I’ve missed set. Bad part, we have to cut a billion and seventy leaves. Good part, I’m stage manager :] After set I came home for like two seconds, grabbed a book that Travis needed and went back to school. I know it sounds weird. but I love watching him play. I think it’s because he’s so good and because something with music in general connects so much with me. When he makes music, my heart stops.
HOMECOMING! Homecoming was Saturday. I had sooo much fun. It really is a good time. I love the dancing and everyone all dressed up :] I wish Travis had come with me, but he didn’t want to. What can I do? I can’t force him to so… I went with Melaysia :]]] We were looking beast <3 It was defidently a good final Homecoming.
I feel like Senior year is flying but then it’s crawling by. I feel like I’m not really trying as much as I should be either. I need to be studying more. I feel like I don’t really do homework, I come home most days and sleep. I have been really tired lately. I don’t know why… I don’t know. I just really want all As and right now, it’s looking like 4 Bs and 2 As. Not good enough.
I want to watch One Tree Hill on HuLu. I think I will. I like Drake :] I wish he wasn’t so with Lil Wayne.
Filed under: Friends, love, school | Tags: Christopher, Drew, Friends, Krissy, life, love, Michael, school, Travis, Work
I should be doing homework right now.. I don’t want to though, I like sitting on the computer listening to music, downloading iTunes, printing papers for NHS, and writing a new blog. Ahh, the magic of multi-tasking. I feel like I have so much to say today, but not really.
“It takes guts to fall in love, but it takes nerve to go back to the one who broke you.”
It seems like everytime I turn around, I am making another mistake when it comes to love. I don’t know if it’s because I am so desperate to be loved or if it because I love so much that I can’t help myself sometimes. Lets see, boys I have loved…
Drew- Like I said before, I don’t really know what to say. I know that no matter what, I will always love him. I really think I will. He is one of the ones that broke me, the one that I have gone back to so many times. I don’t know if I am scared of going back anymore. He is someone I think about all the time. Honestly sometimes I feel guilty thinking about him. He is someone that is so special that I feel bad for having any bad thoughts. Its just like, he has hurt me so many times to always see him coming back as a positive. In the end, I know I love him.
Travis- He is someone that I love more and more everyday. It seems like things between us are getting better. He hugged me today. He holds my hand in the hall again (well kinda lol [long story]). A lot of the time when I am with him, I find myself wishing I was kissing him. I wish that he would just lean down and kiss me. He never does, but everyday I get the feeling that he just might. He won’t go to Homecoming with me though… I hope he comes to LaserTag on Sunday though. I love him, I really do. I’m not IN love. I’m taking my time with him. I have to.
Michael- This is the akward part. I know that I have been IN love with Michael, who, as you know if you read this a lot (which no one but Kris prob does) then you know that Michael is Travis’s older brother. He is someone that has helped me out a lot and for a long time, he was the one person that I wanted more than anything. I don’t have many problems with him. Slowly I am realizing that my feelings for him are more friendship than anything. He is honestly my BEST guy friend. We know almost everything about each other. He likes Abby…He told me today. I am kind of upset that it’s not me, but it doesn’t hurt quite like I thought it would. I thought I would be all dramatic, thinking my heart had been ripped out of my chest. I thought it kinda had when I first started to see that Mickey liked her. I just wanna him to be happy, I really do. Besides, minus our differences, I think Mickey could make her happy and they would honestly be suuppper adorable together. Oh Mickey, Alligator Food <3
Christopher- I love him. This is one of those things that I don’t know where I stand anymore. He is someone that I said I loved, but I don’t know if I did atleast not like that. He has been such an asshole to me, but somehow I always forgive him. He seems to think that I will always love him no matter what, but I don’t really agree with him. I just let him think that because it makes him feel good. He was in town the other week and when we had made plans to hang out, he completely blew me off. We haven’t talked to almost two weeks. I don’t know if he is someone that is good for me… He isn’t. He said he loved me and then took it back a week later.
Well, this has mostly been about boys… like they always are… Lol.
Hmm. School is going well. I am doing well in my classes I think so far. I work on friday night and am missing the biggest football game of the year :[ I like my classes and I am starting to make new friends.
Auditions for the fall play were yesterday and hopefully a cast list will be posted tomorrow morning. I really hope I make it. I want the role of Anna Trumball. She is the hippie of the play :] I don’t know what I will do if I don’t make it. This is my senior year and all I wanna do is have a lead role, boost my gpa, and get into NHS. Ohhhh. I have to tape my interview on Monday…. @ 3:35.
Guh. Anthony just texted me… He is causing so much drama in my life right now. All I need is more girls talking about me and saying I’m a manstealer… thats just F***ing great :///
Church is going amazing by the way. Sunday is now the one day of the week I always look forward too, even getting up early for church <3
P.S. I miss my Bestestest Friend in the whole world, Miss Krissy right now. SOOO MUCH. Iloveyou. I’m gonna text you right now. Did I tell you about Drew? Oh shiz….
Filed under: AWESOME, Family, Friends, Insight, love, music, religion, school | Tags: Changing, Christopher, confusion, Emily, Friends, Krissy, life, love, music, Relationships, religion, Travis, Wesley
Well, I haven’t blogged in awhile so I guess I’ll do an update because that the only way for me to get in everything to all those people that DON’T read this… Hehe. I wonder why I keep writing. I only know like three people that read this. Oh well.
Friends: Everything with them is GREAT! I don’t see Wes or Emily too much anymore, but we talk and hang when we can. Now that I think about it, I don’t think Wes, Emily, and I have all hung out together since school let out. Well, that’s something to add to the list of summer stuff. I haven’t talked to Melad in awhile and I think I might text her soon. I have been talking to and hung out with Amanda again. It was good to see her, it’s been some time. Side Note: Clayton got suppperrr hot. He is going to teach me to play the guitar as a trade off and I am going to help him with Algebra.
I hang out with Kris, Gabs, Sarah, Lorenzo and the whole gang whenever I can. Couple days ago we played kick the can and smoked Hookah on the roof of a strip mall. It was pretty amazing. Went to the mall with Krissy and Sarah yesterday. It’s random stuff, but still fun because it’s people I love being around. Ummm… Ron is back from California. He left because he didn’t feel he belonged in Michigan anymore. He was gone for about a month. Then he made his way back.It’s nice having him around again. He has a new job at Valvoline and it’s funnnnyyy.
I have been making some new friends too. I hang out and talk to the people from youth group quite a bit. It’s nice having OTHER friends to talk to sometimes. Just adding to the collection. Jordan is one of the people that I LOVE hanging out with. He is my age, going to be a senior at Groves. He swims and is super involved at school. He is just a chill guy he makes me feel good when I am around him. Another person I talk to and hang with is Stucky. He is a nice guy, going to be sophmore at Groves and to be honest, he is a giant pot head. I deal with it though. I don’t smoke with him so it’s whatever. Karly is the closest girl to me. She is like soo sweet. She is a cheerleader at Lasher and is going to be Senior. I love her :]]
School: IT’S SUMMER BABY!!! NO SCHOOL. ( I still have hella summer homework though :[ )
Work: I honestly LOVE my job. It's not that hard and I love coming to a place where I get along with the people. It's nice to have a payday too :] I get paid above minimum wage, I get paid in cash and I only work about two days a week. We have two cooks, they are both really nice people, but honestly I HAVE to say that working with Tony H is wayyy more fun. He is a sweetheart and kinda cute too ;] Lol. He is just such a nice guy that I’d rather work with him over Little Tony anyday… My boss is Gabby’s dad and he is soooo intense. He is like loud and will speak his mind no matter what. He did me a HUGE favor by giving me a job and I will love him forever :] He kinda a hard ass though. I don’t mind though, I respect him for it.
Boys: I’ve been a little rocky on this path. There have been so many issues and I don’t know where I left off.
Travis - I’ve only talked to him once since school let out. A 17 minute phone call. I miss him a lot I am not going to lie.
Christopher – I am done with that asshole. He broke my heart for the second time and didn’t give a shit. He said he was in love with me and then he didn’t want to be with me. I still loves me as a friend and wants in my pants. I don’t think so. Go find some whore in Arizona to mess with, I’m better than that.
Anthony – I’m not really quite sure what is up with me and him. He texts to see if I wanna hang and stuff, but it doesn’t seem like he really wants to. I don’t know. It’s just too shady for my taste.
Jordan – I really like him but I know I can’t do anything about those feelings due to the fact that he still has a gf and I’ve gone down that road before. It’s not a good one, no one wins, everyone gets hurt. For now he is just a friend and that’s all he is going to be until he is single and interested in me. The part that is so hard is like we have soo much in common and he is so easy to open up and talk to. He makes me feel like such an amazing girl, especially when he tells me so :] Which he has… I don’t know. I want to hang with him more than I do and it’s gonna be boss when we go to State together :]]]]]]]]]]]]]]
God – I have been blessed and now I can see how much HE has done for me. He is reason I am alive and living this amazing life. I know that sometimes I can lead myself into temptation and do things that I shouldn’t, but in the end, God is going to forgive me because he knows I am truely sorry. I used to be so scared that God would walk out on me because I do so much wrong and have given up on him before, but now I know that he never will. He will never give up on me. He sent me on Mission Trip to become enlighted and help people know his love like I do. Little did I know that Mission would have such an impact on me. It brought me so much closer to him and I am grateful beyond words for that. All I can do is pray that my relationship continues to grow and I don’t stray again.
Filed under: AWESOME, Concerts, Family, Friends, Insight, random, religion, school | Tags: Boys, Changing, Friends, Krissy, life, love, random, school, Travis, Wesley
Well, it has been almost a week since my blowup/meltdown on wordpress. I think that I dealt with the suspension just fine, but I also know it’s something that I don’t want to deal with EVER again. One time is enough, Thank you :]
Hmmm… Let’s see whats been going on with me. It’s been awhile since I did a post that it just like an update forum.
Boys: Well, Travis is pretty amazing :] His birthday is on Thursday and I think I am more excited about it than he is. I don’t know why, I just really like birthdays. PLUS, I happen to know that he is really going to LOVE his present <3 I can’t wait to see the look on his face! Other than Travis, the only other boy that is relationship material whatnotstuff is Anthony Jackson. He is such an asshole to me though… He sent me really weird texts this weekend. The thing that is the weirdest is that he was forwarding texts that I had sent him… and there were also some that OTHER people were sending him. Mainly his girlfriend Amber who HATES me, as much as she denies it, I know she does. I don’t know about him anymore though. He says that he likes me, but then won’t hang out with me when I invite him somewhere or takes hours to respond to a text. It just seems like he is a whole lot of drama that isn’t going to get much better if we were to actually date. Plus, I feel it would make it akward for Wesley if he dumped Amber for me. (Amber is on the dance team with Wes and they have already had their own drama.)
School: The school year is coming to an end and I am sooo pumped. I cannot wait to be a senior in high school and have that one foot out the door. Soon enough I will be in college!!!! AHHH!!! I have my two AP tests next week so this week pretty much, is going to suck. Some time this week I have to go to Carol’s house and help her. I have two games. I have to study. I am going to a concert on Friday. OAA Leagues is on Saturday. Mother’s Day is Sunday… this just sucks in general. BUT, after the stress of the AP Exams is gone, I only have four classes to worry about instead of six. I really hope that I do well on the AP Chem test. I want to prove to myself that I can do this. I think that this year really showed me how time SHOULD be spent, instead of how I actually DO spend it. I feel like I am going to fail the AP Chem test, but I know it is going to be my fault too.
Friends: Friends is pretty much the only front that has NO flaws. I love my friends and I couldn’t ask for better ones. Krissy is home for the summer and done with her freshman year in college :] Wes is on the dance team, likes a nice guy, and is going to do AMAZING on her APUSH test on friday :] (GOOD LUCK!!) Everything is pretty much going almost perfect with friends <3
God: I am doing really well and I feel like I am finding something to believe in that just.. feels right. I know that I have had my struggles, but everyone has right? I just know I can make it through. It’s something that I need to deal with IN me and it’s nice to know that I have so many people that care too. My friend Micah has really been trying to help me. He prays for me and he wants me to go to his church with him. I mean, I know that I like it at Northbrook A LOT, but it would be okay to go to someone else’s church ONCE right? Other than that, church is going amazing and I feel like I am finally starting to fit in there. At senior highs on Sunday, it was just me, David, Dani, and William. It was cool that I didn’t have Emily as that buffer and I was fine. I like that I am becoming one in my own there rather than someone that comes with Emily every week :]
Filed under: Friends, Insight, random | Tags: expected, Friends, life, love, spring break
Things are going decent.
One day left in Spring Break. I feel like I kinda wasted it a little.
I miss friends.
I’ve been thinking about live lately and how I’m not sure if I am living it MY standards or what I THINK other people’s standards are. I am taking AP classes, is it because I want to or because it’s what smart kids are supposed to do? I like guys, is it because I’m actually looking for love or is it because I think that what is expected of me? I don’t even know if waking up in the morning is my own decision or if it’s something that I know is expected of me. I feel like I’m living a life that I’ve been brainwashed to think what I really want. I know that can’t be it though… I make choices all the time that people don’t agree with. I do things that no one approves off a lot, but then that leads me to think that I am doing the OPPOSITE of what is expected simply because I don’t want to do the expected. This means that I’m still not acting on what I WANT, but rather to avoid the expected…
God, I don’t even know if that made sense. I don’t know anything anymore.
Tomorrow is Easter, I have to clean the bathroom.
Today is April Fools Day… My fun surprise was nature gift :] Fun Fun Fun. Hopefully this isn’t an example of how the rest of april is going to be….
Today is the first tennis game of the season. I wish that I was playing in first doubles… like I should be, but it’s fine I guess for now. I am playing at second with J.Lowe because Julene is really sick of something and can’t leave the house for like a couple days. Is it bad that I am secretly glad that she is sick? I know it’s bad, but I feel like it is a sign that I should be playing higher ranked than I am right now. Yesterday Jasmine and I played Andrea and Emily. We played two sets… First set we won 6-0, second set we lost 3-6. I think this shows that we are pretty damn boss together if I must say so
AHHH! I can’t wait for this weekend. I want it to be friday now! I want it to be spring break now!
Filed under: AWESOME, Concerts, Friends, love, music, religion, school | Tags: AWESOME, Emily, Family, Food, Friends, Krissy, life, religion, school
This weekend was pretty damn amazing :] With the exception of having my phone stolen on Friday… I just checked at security too and no one turned it in. The people there kind of laughed at me when I said I thought someone would turn it in. Now I have to get a new phone… Oh well though… shit happens and I can’t change it now so why linger?
NOW TO SATURDAY! On saturday morning, I went to Golf and Tennis with Kathy and got my racquet re-strung. It looks soooo boss man. I have bright neon yellow strings now It goes great with the blue face and orange grip. I love that I can spot my racquet from like seven miles away… atleast I know no one could steal it now and then use it infront of me. While we were waiting, we went to Subway. This is when my mother became embarrassing, which she normally isn’t, and basically told Kathy our life story. Maybe not EVERYTHING, but she got close. Lets just say that Kathy now knows A LOT more than she did before….
After we dropped Kathy off my mom did some quick errands and we went home. I got ready and left like an hour and a half or so later…. I drove to Emily’s house and then to Northbrook for SoulFire. IT WAS SOOO MUCH FUN!!!! I never thought that God and Jesus and anything at church could be so enjoyable. There were games and music and cards and all that good stuff. Then we had a music packed worship led by Seven Glory and Bob. Bob is the youth director there…. he’s a cool guy. After the worship, Seven Glory had a concert and Em and I were jamming out. We didn’t even notice when Abby and Sara were gone. They weren’t as into it as Em and I were.
After the concert, Em asked if I wanted to spend the night at her house. Her mom said yes. My mom said yes. I went home after got some clothes and drove back to Em’s. I was really shocked that my mother let me take the car and KEEP it like all night/morning. I had a really good time at Emily’s house. We slept on the pullout couch and spent like a billion hours talking. We were up until four in the morning talking actually. Then we had to get up at like 8:30am for church.
I really did enjoy church though. At Northbrook they seem to make things fun, and… different… in a way I can understand it. I told my mom that I want to become a member there and both her and Emily said that I should take some more time and make SURE that it is the church for me before I make such a big commitment. It’s understandable, but I mean, I’ve been there before and I REALLY like it there. I don’t know.. I guess it doesn’t hurt to take some more time and be absolutely POSITIVE. After church, Mrs. S got us all bagels, but I had to leave right after I ate.
When I got home we had to leave again to meet Diane and Carol for Brunch. I had a lot of fun with them, I always do. They really are like my favorite family members. We went to Bob Evans and the omelette was SOOOOOOOOOO good. I wanted more. That too and the home fries were crazy good.
We went to Aunt Pat’s after and I slept. We went home. Mom and Bruce got into this really big fight when we got home. Mom was all like GET OUT and Bruce was all like FUCK YOU and it was just screaming and yelling and craziness. I locked myself in the bathroom until they were done. Then I went to sleep, got up, ate, watched tv, went back to sleep. I was a sleepy girl :]
OHHH. I got a new nose stud on Friday too :] It’s a peace sign and I am in LOVE with it.
I get to get a new phone though :] Hopefully a samsung Gravtiy like I want.
I can’t wait until Friday!!! I get to see Krissy!! I am going to Ann Arbor for Relay for Life so I’m spending most of the weekend there. I CAN’T WAIT!
NEXT WEEK IS SPRING BREAK! YAY! (Too bad all I’m going to do is play tennis because we have two-a-days Monday thru Thursday.)
