Filed under: Depression, Insight, love | Tags: Depression, tears, Relationships, self, Drew, fear, Changing, Sad
Wow. These last couple days has been a roller coaster ride. I don’t know how I feel anymore. On monday Drew told me that we would never be together, that he is in love with someone else. Honestly, I was crushed and I still am, but it’s like part of me feels kind of releaved. Like I said, the thing that got me the worst was when he told me that I would have to get over the fact that I wouldn’t have him forever, that I COULDNT have him forever. I feel like in some way, this is a good thing to hear. I feel like this is finally the closure that I have been looking for. It’s taken me so long to let him go and now I feel like he is kind of letting me let him go. He is saying that it’s okay.
I feel like this is almost the way of life telling me that I can have more after him. It’s saying that maybe he isn’t right for me. My whole life, I have been so scared of losing people that I don’t let people go…at all. I HATE when people leave so I simply can’t think of me leaving someone. I think the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do was break up with someone when I knew he was in love with me. I can’t stand the thought of breaking someones heart. When I talked to Drew it always seemed like I was so in love with him and he was in love with me, but maybe now that I look at it, I was in love with him and he loved me, but wasn’t IN love. It hurt so bad when he said that he loved her simply because she is like 15 and he has known her for a year. How could he love her and not me….? He said he cares though and part of me def believes him…
I just feel like I am moving into another stage in my life where I can finally move onto something new. I mean, he is missing out because he is never going to find someone who will love him like I do. He will never find someone who is going to put up with the stuff that I put up with. I am amazing and he is missing out. I am amazing.
I feel like this is coming at a good time too. This means I can take senior year and work on me and really enjoy this. I now vow to love me before I fall in love with another boy. On monday I felt like I wanted to die and I swore to myself years ago that I was never going to think like that again. I’m not going to break promises to myself anymore. This is a new chapter for me. A good chapter.
Filed under: Depression, love | Tags: Drew, Emotions, fear, life, love, tears
I ended up seeing him yesterday. I had fun in someways… but his best friend, James, is the bestest asshole ever.
I left in tears.
We had sex.
James texted me and told me Drew said “hit it and quit it”
I don’t feel like breathing, being alive.
I am hoping that this is all bullshit and James is an asshole.
I don’t see him again until next weekend.
Filed under: AWESOME, Depression, Friends, Insight, love, random | Tags: Amazing, AWESOME, boyfriend, confusion, Drew, Emotions, fear, guys, life, school, Travis
Drew flaked on me. I guess to explain this, I should start from the beginning.
We have been talking the last couple weeks.
He asked for my number. I gave it to him.
He called me last night when I was at work, I called when I got off.
We talked for 3.5 hours until I was falling asleep.
Now it’s all caught up. We had made plans to hang out pretty much all day today. I was gonna spend the night at his house. I was looking forward to having him for the whole weekend :] Last night he told me to call him when I wake up, so thats what I did. We talk real quick and then he says hes going to go take a shower. Then he calls me back a little later and says that there is a major change in plans :[ He says that we can't hang out because he has to go do something with his mom and his other friend. I am really bummed and I know he feels really bad, but what can I do? Nothing. He promised me all next weekend <3 I think that I am going to bring to the football game. I don't know if it's a good idea though...because of Travis. I feel like real soon I am going to have to choose one. I don't want to, but I can't like both. They both can't be my love interest.
Krissy says that this is a sign, us not being able to hang out. I can't lie though and say that part of me doesn't agree, but I can't really explain it. I can't explain in words how good it feels to hear him say "I love you".
I feel like in a lot of ways I compare Drew and Travis and I know it's wrong but I can't help it. It's like they have what the oppisite doesn't. Drew has my heart. Travis has my friendship. Drew has the years of past. Travis has the everyday. Drew has the deep stuff. Travis has the fun stuff. Drew was there in a tough time. Travis is there now. I don't know. I just feel like in the end, Drew is going to win out for my heart. I also think this is because Travis doesn't really seem to want my heart. He keeps trying to hook me up with other people, always girls though. Travis is honestly one of my best friends.
This is hard. I am looking still looking forward to this weekend though :] I am going to the movies with Nada, Nora, Jade, Anthony, and some of his friends. We are going to see Paranormial Activity :] Tomorrow morning I have church and I think I might be working sunday during the day. Then I have youth group on Sunday night.
Oh, about Senior Highs… I feel like I need to try harder to be quiet. A lot of the time, I have a problem with self control. I need to learn when it’s okay to talk and when it’s not. I don’t want Grace to think that I am disrespecting her when I talk a lot.
Future Shows I plan on seeing:
Party Like Summer – Nov 6 in Lansing
NeverShoutNever – December 12 at the Filmore <3
Filed under: Depression, school | Tags: Depression, fear, Holding Hands, Rejection, Sad, school, self, Travis
Today was a really hard day. Today was a day of a lot of tears. Today was a day that I almost wish had never happened. The things that defined today:
- I went to school looking like a freak (dressed up as Marilyn Manson for spirit week)
- People at my school are ignorant.
- I didn’t feel well.
- I was waiting for the cast list of the fall play to be posted.
- I didn’t make it.
- I spent most of sixth hour/seventh hour/after school crying.
The only glimmer of hope within my shitty Pandora box day was Travis. I was at his locker and started bawling my eyes out. He puts his hand on my shoulder and tells me that everything is going to be okay. Then I was like, oh yeah, and theres this guy that I like and he won’t hold my hand because of something that I couldn’t control. He grabbed my hand :]] He really does make me feel special and I wonder whats going to happen in the future, especially with Drew coming home soon.
Well, it’s late. I have school tomorrow. I’m going to be a Jedi for magician/clown day by wearing my Snuggie :]
Filed under: Depression, Insight | Tags: Blessings, fear, Future, Krissy, life, love, Scared
Today Krissy moved back to Ann Arbor for the school year :[[ I miss her already man!
Right now I am sitting at home, listening to some Denison (which you should all listen to) trying to think of all the things that I do that I shouldn’t. If you were to look at the things I do in life, I seem like a self destructive person and the more I think about it, the more I find that maybe it is true. Maybe I am scared of getting all I have dreamed of. The life, the love, the happiness, the peace of mind.. I don’t know. It might be because never in my life has something been ‘easy’ for me. Nothing has been handed to me. Nothing has come without a cost. I am scared of the blessings I am being given.
Maybe I just look to deep into things. I do it all the time. I think boys like me when they don’t. I think people hate me when they don’t. I think that I am seen in a way that I’m not. Part of me wants to say that I don’t care, but it’s not true. I do care. I care a lot actually.
Sigh. I miss Krissy Poo.
Filed under: Friends, Insight, random, school | Tags: Emily, fear, feelings, guys, happy, Krissy, life, Melad, school, Wesley
All I can think about right now is the future. How much I want to go to college. How my idea of the future has changed so much in the last fews years… I’m still scared of the future, but I am more than willing to embrace it now. I feel like I am finally ready to live the life that I deserve. Here is the map for senior year.
SENIOR YEAR 2009-2010
- Go to as many sporting events as possible.
- Have a kick ass final homecoming.
- Work on GSA!
- Join some new clubs.
- Mantain atleast a 3.7 :]
- Get Senior Jersey : ” Disposable Teen” hehe
- Join NHS.
- Land a leading role in Fall Play.
- Be on singles for tennis.
- Be tennis captain for SECOND year <3.
- Be happy.
- Apply to all colleges early.
- Find a boy.
- Spend as much time as possible with Wes, Em, and Mel.
- Visit Kris more often.
- Have a role in the Spring Musical.
- Be ACTUAL member of youth group.
- Learn to play guitar.
- Go to Yale for Spring Break with Wes :]
- GET A JOB!
- Save money for Europe
- Have a bitchin time at Prom.
- Look AMAZING at Graduation.
- Grow hair out.
- Get a car?
- Get second tattoo.
- Do all the “senior” things…
Thats about it for right now. It seems like a good list. I have goals and I think that almost ALL of these are attainable. I can’t wait. I just don’t want to loose that motivation and drive to do this all. I also am a little worried that I am going to run myself ragged. I want to enjoy my senior year, not jampack it and let it run past me….
Filed under: Friends, Insight, love | Tags: Emotions, fear, feelings, life, love, Rejection, self, Travis
Everyday we make choices that effect us, mostly mentally in my case. I CHOOSE to get dressed in the morning. I CHOOSE to eat lunch. I CHOOSE to go to tennis practice. I am not forced to do anything. How is it that I tend to make such bad choices then. Most of the time, I wear shorts in the cold, I eat a lunch that isn’t so healthy, and I don’t work my hardest at tennis practice. These things don’t register as something super life changing, but what do I do when these bad descion making skills come into something more important… like my body.
I clearly don’t have the best past with my body. I’ve done everything under the sun to basically hurt it. I have smoked, I’ve had sex, I have a tattoo, I have 8 peircings, I used to cut myself, and I eat when I don’t feel well. Everything in this makes it seem like I shouldn’t be allowed to make my own choices. Maybe I shouldn’t… Why is it that I’m saying this now though?!?!?! I’m about to be a senior in high school and I’m saying that I shouldn’t be able to make my own choices. Things like this are what really do make me think I’m a little bit crazy. Well, maybe a lot crazy.
Who I am isn’t something that can be handled my most people. It takes a strong person to love me for who I am. It takes someone amazing to take me for my flaws. Maybe that’s why I am so upset, so alone. I am so scared that I will never find someone who can really love me like I need to be loved. I’m so open to finding someone, I really am. I have been hurt so many times, but somehow I still open back up to people. I don’t know. Maybe thats what it is… I am TOO open, it scares people.
Like Travis, I think I scare him. I think that I am too intense for him. He is young, he doesn’t need someone like me. I want to be with him and I want to fall in love, but he doesn’t. We are in two different places.. do I leave him alone then? Do I wait for us to be on the same page? Do I hold off on finding someone who is already at the same place as me?
I’ve said it so many times, I just want to be happy. Travis makes me happy… sometimes.
Filed under: Insight, religion | Tags: confusion, Emotions, fear, feelings, God, life, religion
The lyrics stream through my head.
The tears stream down my face.
I don’t know where this began.
I don’t know this forgien place.
Am I happy?
Am I sad?
My mind of feels out of sync.
Is this destiny?
Is this hell?
How do I find the missing link?
It’s you.
It’s me.
It’s us.
The music made me see the light.
It let me see what we could be.
It made me see I would loose us.
So slow down, take a breath.
Make a thought that is complete.
Keep your head clear.
Stand flat on your feet.
Walk to the light.
Walk to his love.
End your fight.
Let him take your fears above.
Filed under: Friends, Insight, love | Tags: Emotions, fear, feelings, guys, life, Lost, self, Travis
It seems that everyday it’s harder to wake up in the morning. It seems that everyday, I want to go to school less and less, tennis less and less, home less and less. All I want to do is be around people that love me, people that care. Right now, it seems that my life has become routine and nothingness. I do the same thing everyday…
Wake Up.
Go to school.
Tennis Practice.
Go Home.
Thats all I do… the wild factor in my day is if Travis will be nice to me today. You know, sometimes he does the sweetest things, but somehow they manage to make me cry. He left me about 50 minutes of Voicemail when my phone was off. It was adorable that he spent that much time, just to make me giggle, but then there was ONE voicemail. It was really mean, he said that he hated me, that he never wanted to talk to me again, that I was a bitch. All I could think as I was listening to it was that my world was coming crumbling down. I cried…. and listened… and cried… Then, in like the LAST 30 seconds, he said that it was all a joke, he didn’t mean any of it. I was stunned. Then I listened to the next voicemail where he said that he was sorry again, that we were best friends and that he would never say anything mean about me. I have to wonder though… if he didn’t mean any of it… why would he even THINK it?
It’s like drunk people. They say what they honestly think when they are drinking. He felt that he could say whatever he wanted when he was “joking”.
It just hurt knowing that someone that I care about sooo much could even have these thoughts in his head let alone SAY them TO ME. He is about 120 feet from me and all I want to do is be around him. I want him to talk to me like I really am his best friend… like he trusts me with his feelings…
I don’t know what to do about myself and my feelings anymore. I am making tiny meaningless words into epic essays.
Filed under: Friends, Insight, religion | Tags: fear, feelings, life, Michael, questions, religion, self
Well, the religion thing has come back. For awhile, it was all I could think about… Is there a God? Is there a heaven or hell? Then… I didn’t really think about it often. This is just something that I want to be done. I want to be sure. I want to believe in something, whether I understand it or not… I just don’t want something like this to rule my life.
The person that has for sure been there for me the most during all of this is Micheal for sure. He is the only person that is willing to explain things to me and flat out tell me that even he doesn’t understand it completely. What hit me the most was when he said that the God isn’t something that is meant to be understood. I think I like that. There is a God because there is? My first reaction is to deny because for so long I have been searching for proof…. something SOLID to believe in.
The more we talk about it, the more my views change. I went from not believing AT ALL, to know… thinking that I might have been wrong.
What people don’t get is that he explains things differently so that I can understand them. I don’t want people to get upset because they think that I am saying that they haven’t helped in my journey. That’s not what I am saying at all. I am just saying that out of everyone, he seems to be the least biased and helpful in the whole thing.
