Filed under: AWESOME, Insight, love | Tags: Amazing, Bradlee, Changing, Emotions, life, self
You know how sometimes people say rather small things that make a huge crash on certain people. I just read one of the blogs that Bradlee wrote on the Party Like Summer Myspace an I feel like my soul has been ripped out and typed by someone else. I just want other people to read it too. He wrote:
“I woke up this morning and there was a piece of paper on my floor.
Scribbled on it just two words, “don’t worry”.
I’m not sure exactly when, or if, i wrote this.
But i do know it bugged me a ton.
I thought about those two words all day and came to this conclusion;
Sometimes it seems as a society we spend far to much time worrying about silly stuff.
We tend to over look life’s little beauties because were so wrapped in all of the drama.
Every little thing that we do from switching on a light switch and having the light turn on,
to taking a deep breath and the air around us having just the right amount of gasses for our lungs to filter it thus giving our bodies essential oxygen.
All these things are tiny little miracles that should bring us a ton of joy, but we overlook because were too busy worrying.”
Filed under: Friends, Insight, love | Tags: confusion, Drew, Emotions, Friends, guys, happy, Krissy, life, love, Relationships
What do you do when you thought that everything was going amazing and that something seems to throw in a wrench? I feel like this is whats happening. I love Drew. I really do, but sometimes I feel like I am the only one feeling it. I don’t understand why it’s so hard for him to just commit to me. To tell people that I am his “girlfriend”. I don’t even know what to say about him anymore. I can’t really call him my “boyfriend” but he’s not…nothing… I just don’t even know what to say anymore. I can’t give up. I can’t let go. I try to be okay with everything that he puts me through. He doesn’t hurt me on purpose… This is hard.
I hope I see him today.
Travis hugged me yesterday. He was leaning on the lockers and I came and leaned on him and he put his arms around me. It made me happy, but I feel it’s a little too little a little too late.
I love Kris and seeing her this week and spending time with her was amazing. I am soo gladd that she is happy. Pilot is a good guy and he makes her so happy. I am this lasts forever :] I never thought that I would be jealous of my best friend’s LONG DISTANCE relationship though…
Filed under: Depression, love | Tags: Drew, Emotions, fear, life, love, tears
I ended up seeing him yesterday. I had fun in someways… but his best friend, James, is the bestest asshole ever.
I left in tears.
We had sex.
James texted me and told me Drew said “hit it and quit it”
I don’t feel like breathing, being alive.
I am hoping that this is all bullshit and James is an asshole.
I don’t see him again until next weekend.
Filed under: AWESOME, Depression, Friends, Insight, love, random | Tags: Amazing, AWESOME, boyfriend, confusion, Drew, Emotions, fear, guys, life, school, Travis
Drew flaked on me. I guess to explain this, I should start from the beginning.
We have been talking the last couple weeks.
He asked for my number. I gave it to him.
He called me last night when I was at work, I called when I got off.
We talked for 3.5 hours until I was falling asleep.
Now it’s all caught up. We had made plans to hang out pretty much all day today. I was gonna spend the night at his house. I was looking forward to having him for the whole weekend :] Last night he told me to call him when I wake up, so thats what I did. We talk real quick and then he says hes going to go take a shower. Then he calls me back a little later and says that there is a major change in plans :[ He says that we can't hang out because he has to go do something with his mom and his other friend. I am really bummed and I know he feels really bad, but what can I do? Nothing. He promised me all next weekend <3 I think that I am going to bring to the football game. I don't know if it's a good idea though...because of Travis. I feel like real soon I am going to have to choose one. I don't want to, but I can't like both. They both can't be my love interest.
Krissy says that this is a sign, us not being able to hang out. I can't lie though and say that part of me doesn't agree, but I can't really explain it. I can't explain in words how good it feels to hear him say "I love you".
I feel like in a lot of ways I compare Drew and Travis and I know it's wrong but I can't help it. It's like they have what the oppisite doesn't. Drew has my heart. Travis has my friendship. Drew has the years of past. Travis has the everyday. Drew has the deep stuff. Travis has the fun stuff. Drew was there in a tough time. Travis is there now. I don't know. I just feel like in the end, Drew is going to win out for my heart. I also think this is because Travis doesn't really seem to want my heart. He keeps trying to hook me up with other people, always girls though. Travis is honestly one of my best friends.
This is hard. I am looking still looking forward to this weekend though :] I am going to the movies with Nada, Nora, Jade, Anthony, and some of his friends. We are going to see Paranormial Activity :] Tomorrow morning I have church and I think I might be working sunday during the day. Then I have youth group on Sunday night.
Oh, about Senior Highs… I feel like I need to try harder to be quiet. A lot of the time, I have a problem with self control. I need to learn when it’s okay to talk and when it’s not. I don’t want Grace to think that I am disrespecting her when I talk a lot.
Future Shows I plan on seeing:
Party Like Summer – Nov 6 in Lansing
NeverShoutNever – December 12 at the Filmore <3
Filed under: Insight, religion | Tags: Changing, confusion, Emotions, feelings, God, religion
Everyday people die for what they believe in. I was talking to my friend Emily yesterday and she mentioned that a certain Flyleaf song was written about Columbine. I looked it up, and sure enough, “Cassie” was written about Cassie Bernall, one of the young girls who was killed at Columbine.
The story behind the song is that Cassie Bernall was asked by one of the shooters if she believed in God and her last words were yes. She died for her faith in God. The actual trueness of these events are questionable and there are many people that say it didn’t happen. The girl she was sitting with in the library said she screamed to God about why was this happening to her, and then the shooter came out of nowhere and surprised her… and shot her.
Anyways, the point of this was not whether or not it happened, but the fact that people can do something like that. It’s something that I am desperately searching for, that blind faith that Cassie Bernall had. She knew that if she said yes, she was going to die and she still stayed true to God. I don’t know if I could honestly do that. I want to be able to, but it’s so hard for me to put all my faith, and ultimately, my life in the hands of something/someone I can’t prove is there and will never be able to. I feel like I need some kind of proof that I’m not going to be punished again… that I’m not going to hurt again before I put all my faith in Him.
Thats what they talked about at youth group on Sunday. They said that we are all children of God and that even when we wonder, God will always be there ready for us to come back. That He never stops loving us regardless of what we think. I was upset that I missed it because it was basically EVERYTHING I am. Emily said that God is going to throw a party for me when I go back to him. This made me think,… people who have faith have good things that come to them. Right? This isn’t really true though. There are some people that have absolutely NO faith and they are as happy as a clam. Others, who make God a staple in their lives, get the shit deal.
It just doesn’t seem fair, if you love God, he should love you and reward you, NOT give you a hard life…
I though yesterday that maybe all of the bads things in my life are a blessing in disguise. Maybe I was given so many challenges because God knew I was strong, he knew I could handle it. I mean, it’s understandable that not everyone can have the picture perfect life, but come on… I have to have THAT MANY things go wrong? Not really. I could have done without the cutting, the abuse, and the lies. I don’t know, I’m just trying to understand all of this and it’s getting harder the more I get into it, but I feel like everyday I am getting closer to that faith I am looking for. It’s going to take A LOT of steps to get there, but one day I will and one day I will know that everything is going to be okay.
Filed under: Friends, Insight, love | Tags: Emotions, fear, feelings, life, love, Rejection, self, Travis
Everyday we make choices that effect us, mostly mentally in my case. I CHOOSE to get dressed in the morning. I CHOOSE to eat lunch. I CHOOSE to go to tennis practice. I am not forced to do anything. How is it that I tend to make such bad choices then. Most of the time, I wear shorts in the cold, I eat a lunch that isn’t so healthy, and I don’t work my hardest at tennis practice. These things don’t register as something super life changing, but what do I do when these bad descion making skills come into something more important… like my body.
I clearly don’t have the best past with my body. I’ve done everything under the sun to basically hurt it. I have smoked, I’ve had sex, I have a tattoo, I have 8 peircings, I used to cut myself, and I eat when I don’t feel well. Everything in this makes it seem like I shouldn’t be allowed to make my own choices. Maybe I shouldn’t… Why is it that I’m saying this now though?!?!?! I’m about to be a senior in high school and I’m saying that I shouldn’t be able to make my own choices. Things like this are what really do make me think I’m a little bit crazy. Well, maybe a lot crazy.
Who I am isn’t something that can be handled my most people. It takes a strong person to love me for who I am. It takes someone amazing to take me for my flaws. Maybe that’s why I am so upset, so alone. I am so scared that I will never find someone who can really love me like I need to be loved. I’m so open to finding someone, I really am. I have been hurt so many times, but somehow I still open back up to people. I don’t know. Maybe thats what it is… I am TOO open, it scares people.
Like Travis, I think I scare him. I think that I am too intense for him. He is young, he doesn’t need someone like me. I want to be with him and I want to fall in love, but he doesn’t. We are in two different places.. do I leave him alone then? Do I wait for us to be on the same page? Do I hold off on finding someone who is already at the same place as me?
I’ve said it so many times, I just want to be happy. Travis makes me happy… sometimes.
Filed under: Insight, religion | Tags: confusion, Emotions, fear, feelings, God, life, religion
The lyrics stream through my head.
The tears stream down my face.
I don’t know where this began.
I don’t know this forgien place.
Am I happy?
Am I sad?
My mind of feels out of sync.
Is this destiny?
Is this hell?
How do I find the missing link?
It’s you.
It’s me.
It’s us.
The music made me see the light.
It let me see what we could be.
It made me see I would loose us.
So slow down, take a breath.
Make a thought that is complete.
Keep your head clear.
Stand flat on your feet.
Walk to the light.
Walk to his love.
End your fight.
Let him take your fears above.
Filed under: Friends, Insight, love | Tags: Emotions, fear, feelings, guys, life, Lost, self, Travis
It seems that everyday it’s harder to wake up in the morning. It seems that everyday, I want to go to school less and less, tennis less and less, home less and less. All I want to do is be around people that love me, people that care. Right now, it seems that my life has become routine and nothingness. I do the same thing everyday…
Wake Up.
Go to school.
Tennis Practice.
Go Home.
Thats all I do… the wild factor in my day is if Travis will be nice to me today. You know, sometimes he does the sweetest things, but somehow they manage to make me cry. He left me about 50 minutes of Voicemail when my phone was off. It was adorable that he spent that much time, just to make me giggle, but then there was ONE voicemail. It was really mean, he said that he hated me, that he never wanted to talk to me again, that I was a bitch. All I could think as I was listening to it was that my world was coming crumbling down. I cried…. and listened… and cried… Then, in like the LAST 30 seconds, he said that it was all a joke, he didn’t mean any of it. I was stunned. Then I listened to the next voicemail where he said that he was sorry again, that we were best friends and that he would never say anything mean about me. I have to wonder though… if he didn’t mean any of it… why would he even THINK it?
It’s like drunk people. They say what they honestly think when they are drinking. He felt that he could say whatever he wanted when he was “joking”.
It just hurt knowing that someone that I care about sooo much could even have these thoughts in his head let alone SAY them TO ME. He is about 120 feet from me and all I want to do is be around him. I want him to talk to me like I really am his best friend… like he trusts me with his feelings…
I don’t know what to do about myself and my feelings anymore. I am making tiny meaningless words into epic essays.
Filed under: love, school | Tags: Emotions, Games, love, Relationships, Travis
I don’t know what I did. I don’t know what I can do. Brian said that Travis is avoiding me and it makes sense. I don’t know. He said that he wants to take it slower and just be friends for now and I am sooo cool with that, but it’s like, that’s how you treat friends? Ignore them? I didn’t think that taking it slower meant, not talking to me anymore. It’s just all so confusing and I feel like right now, I am more bi-polar than ever. In the morning, I am happy…sometimes… It’s just hard to not know how I am going to feel in the next five minutes.
I’m willing to wait for him, he is amazing, but I can’t handle the games. I can’t deal with another guy that strings me along. I know Travis isn’t like that, but I mean, he’s fourteen, he doesn’t know what he is doing. He thought that not letting me hold his hands by saying “No bitch no” was going to make me want him more. He gets info from guys that he thinks is “getting all the ladies.” I don’t want him to want all the ladies though… I want him to want ME. God, it all goes back to the Donnas doesn’t it? I want you to want me. John Tucker was right, life would be easier if it was a retro-pop song.
For now, all I can do is be open to him and let him take his time and figure things out I guess. Krissy said that she thinks, in the end, it will work out and I will get him. I hope so. Does positive thinking work when someone else does it for you???? Lol. I’m emotinally exhausted at the moment and all I want to do is sleep and wake up to a world were he realizes how much he loves me and wants to be with me as much as I want to be with him. I’ll wait for that day with the thought that it will come some time before… uhhh… I die? or graduate. I mean, I’m sticking around for college, twenty minute drive for here. I’d like if he was one of the reasons I stuck around :]
Oh, in case you didn’t get it… He isn’t my bf anymore. He is just a friend that likes me…
Filed under: Friends, Insight, random | Tags: Emotions, feelings, Michael, Opening up, Sad, Swim
(It’s old, I wrote it two days ago and I didn’t get to post it… so I am now. I hate having drafts.)
I feel like crying a little. I don’t know why, but hmmm… I went to the boys swim practice monday with Melad and it was fun :] I like me some Michael in jammers <3 He is so fucking sexy and I wish I didn’t like him sometimes. A lot of the time actually. Maybe I should spend time liking someone that I will actually have one day, not someone that doesn’t show emotions or let you in. I think that reason that I don’t want to let go is because I have already spent soo much time and the thing is, I have made progress. He is slowly, slowly opened up to me some.
I just don’t want to give up on something and then look back one day and wonder what would have happened if I had tried a little harder that maybe it would have worked. I don’t want Michael to be my first regret.
(Not letting go of him would have been the thing to regret)
