Filed under: AWESOME, Concerts, Friends, Insight, love, music | Tags: Amazing, AWESOME, Drew, feelings, guys, happy, life, music
Well, last night was pretty awesome. Party Like Summer had an amazing set (even though I’m a little biased). I was in the front, although it’s not like there were all that many people there to stop me fro being up front. I was a chicken in the beginning and Bradlee walked past me about a billion times, but I was scared so I didn’t say anything. Then after his set I went outside and he was there so we hung out for a little bit and talked. He is a really cool guy and I’m glad that I met him or even texted him in the first place. Thanks Christofer Drew <3 I got tons of hugs and a kiss on the cheek and he told me to call him, which I will.
The only thing that stresses me out about with him is that it’s hard to have actual conversation with him sometimes. I’m not used to having to wait forever for someone to text me back and I don’t mean to be impatient, but it bothers me when he’s like “Im a busy beee” when I know for a fact that he is sitting in a van doing nothing..Lol. Oh well, I don’t need to stress. He is simply a friend.
On an even better note, today was awesome too. I hung out at the house until like one and then went to Drew’s house. We walked around Berkley while he tried to find a job. No luck though. It was nice hanging out with him though. Favorite moment all day : We were sitting on the couch watching tv, my head is on his shoulder, he moves his head down and kisses me. Then after one I turned my head because I thought it was only one and he turns to me and says “I wasn’t done.” and kisses me again. It still makes me smile. It’s just nice to know that the boy I love likes kissing me :]]]
This weekend was amazing.
Oh, I don’t know if I posted, but Groves’ production of Guys and Dolls was AMAZING! I WISH that SL could have shows like that. The Fall Play is this weekend and I hope for the love of Jesus, that it goes well. BREAK A LEG!
Filed under: Friends, Insight, love | Tags: confusion, Drew, Emotions, Friends, guys, happy, Krissy, life, love, Relationships
What do you do when you thought that everything was going amazing and that something seems to throw in a wrench? I feel like this is whats happening. I love Drew. I really do, but sometimes I feel like I am the only one feeling it. I don’t understand why it’s so hard for him to just commit to me. To tell people that I am his “girlfriend”. I don’t even know what to say about him anymore. I can’t really call him my “boyfriend” but he’s not…nothing… I just don’t even know what to say anymore. I can’t give up. I can’t let go. I try to be okay with everything that he puts me through. He doesn’t hurt me on purpose… This is hard.
I hope I see him today.
Travis hugged me yesterday. He was leaning on the lockers and I came and leaned on him and he put his arms around me. It made me happy, but I feel it’s a little too little a little too late.
I love Kris and seeing her this week and spending time with her was amazing. I am soo gladd that she is happy. Pilot is a good guy and he makes her so happy. I am this lasts forever :] I never thought that I would be jealous of my best friend’s LONG DISTANCE relationship though…
Filed under: Depression, love | Tags: Drew, Emotions, fear, life, love, tears
I ended up seeing him yesterday. I had fun in someways… but his best friend, James, is the bestest asshole ever.
I left in tears.
We had sex.
James texted me and told me Drew said “hit it and quit it”
I don’t feel like breathing, being alive.
I am hoping that this is all bullshit and James is an asshole.
I don’t see him again until next weekend.
Filed under: AWESOME, Depression, Friends, Insight, love, random | Tags: Amazing, AWESOME, boyfriend, confusion, Drew, Emotions, fear, guys, life, school, Travis
Drew flaked on me. I guess to explain this, I should start from the beginning.
We have been talking the last couple weeks.
He asked for my number. I gave it to him.
He called me last night when I was at work, I called when I got off.
We talked for 3.5 hours until I was falling asleep.
Now it’s all caught up. We had made plans to hang out pretty much all day today. I was gonna spend the night at his house. I was looking forward to having him for the whole weekend :] Last night he told me to call him when I wake up, so thats what I did. We talk real quick and then he says hes going to go take a shower. Then he calls me back a little later and says that there is a major change in plans :[ He says that we can't hang out because he has to go do something with his mom and his other friend. I am really bummed and I know he feels really bad, but what can I do? Nothing. He promised me all next weekend <3 I think that I am going to bring to the football game. I don't know if it's a good idea though...because of Travis. I feel like real soon I am going to have to choose one. I don't want to, but I can't like both. They both can't be my love interest.
Krissy says that this is a sign, us not being able to hang out. I can't lie though and say that part of me doesn't agree, but I can't really explain it. I can't explain in words how good it feels to hear him say "I love you".
I feel like in a lot of ways I compare Drew and Travis and I know it's wrong but I can't help it. It's like they have what the oppisite doesn't. Drew has my heart. Travis has my friendship. Drew has the years of past. Travis has the everyday. Drew has the deep stuff. Travis has the fun stuff. Drew was there in a tough time. Travis is there now. I don't know. I just feel like in the end, Drew is going to win out for my heart. I also think this is because Travis doesn't really seem to want my heart. He keeps trying to hook me up with other people, always girls though. Travis is honestly one of my best friends.
This is hard. I am looking still looking forward to this weekend though :] I am going to the movies with Nada, Nora, Jade, Anthony, and some of his friends. We are going to see Paranormial Activity :] Tomorrow morning I have church and I think I might be working sunday during the day. Then I have youth group on Sunday night.
Oh, about Senior Highs… I feel like I need to try harder to be quiet. A lot of the time, I have a problem with self control. I need to learn when it’s okay to talk and when it’s not. I don’t want Grace to think that I am disrespecting her when I talk a lot.
Future Shows I plan on seeing:
Party Like Summer – Nov 6 in Lansing
NeverShoutNever – December 12 at the Filmore <3
I’m bored.
I don’t know what to do today…
Homework.
I want Drew to be online.
I want Krissy to be home.
I’m hungry.
I need to update my facebook status.
I need to tweet as well.
So many things.
Trips to Payless and Target?
Possibly.
Filed under: Friends, love, school | Tags: Christopher, Drew, Friends, Krissy, life, love, Michael, school, Travis, Work
I should be doing homework right now.. I don’t want to though, I like sitting on the computer listening to music, downloading iTunes, printing papers for NHS, and writing a new blog. Ahh, the magic of multi-tasking. I feel like I have so much to say today, but not really.
“It takes guts to fall in love, but it takes nerve to go back to the one who broke you.”
It seems like everytime I turn around, I am making another mistake when it comes to love. I don’t know if it’s because I am so desperate to be loved or if it because I love so much that I can’t help myself sometimes. Lets see, boys I have loved…
Drew- Like I said before, I don’t really know what to say. I know that no matter what, I will always love him. I really think I will. He is one of the ones that broke me, the one that I have gone back to so many times. I don’t know if I am scared of going back anymore. He is someone I think about all the time. Honestly sometimes I feel guilty thinking about him. He is someone that is so special that I feel bad for having any bad thoughts. Its just like, he has hurt me so many times to always see him coming back as a positive. In the end, I know I love him.
Travis- He is someone that I love more and more everyday. It seems like things between us are getting better. He hugged me today. He holds my hand in the hall again (well kinda lol [long story]). A lot of the time when I am with him, I find myself wishing I was kissing him. I wish that he would just lean down and kiss me. He never does, but everyday I get the feeling that he just might. He won’t go to Homecoming with me though… I hope he comes to LaserTag on Sunday though. I love him, I really do. I’m not IN love. I’m taking my time with him. I have to.
Michael- This is the akward part. I know that I have been IN love with Michael, who, as you know if you read this a lot (which no one but Kris prob does) then you know that Michael is Travis’s older brother. He is someone that has helped me out a lot and for a long time, he was the one person that I wanted more than anything. I don’t have many problems with him. Slowly I am realizing that my feelings for him are more friendship than anything. He is honestly my BEST guy friend. We know almost everything about each other. He likes Abby…He told me today. I am kind of upset that it’s not me, but it doesn’t hurt quite like I thought it would. I thought I would be all dramatic, thinking my heart had been ripped out of my chest. I thought it kinda had when I first started to see that Mickey liked her. I just wanna him to be happy, I really do. Besides, minus our differences, I think Mickey could make her happy and they would honestly be suuppper adorable together. Oh Mickey, Alligator Food <3
Christopher- I love him. This is one of those things that I don’t know where I stand anymore. He is someone that I said I loved, but I don’t know if I did atleast not like that. He has been such an asshole to me, but somehow I always forgive him. He seems to think that I will always love him no matter what, but I don’t really agree with him. I just let him think that because it makes him feel good. He was in town the other week and when we had made plans to hang out, he completely blew me off. We haven’t talked to almost two weeks. I don’t know if he is someone that is good for me… He isn’t. He said he loved me and then took it back a week later.
Well, this has mostly been about boys… like they always are… Lol.
Hmm. School is going well. I am doing well in my classes I think so far. I work on friday night and am missing the biggest football game of the year :[ I like my classes and I am starting to make new friends.
Auditions for the fall play were yesterday and hopefully a cast list will be posted tomorrow morning. I really hope I make it. I want the role of Anna Trumball. She is the hippie of the play :] I don’t know what I will do if I don’t make it. This is my senior year and all I wanna do is have a lead role, boost my gpa, and get into NHS. Ohhhh. I have to tape my interview on Monday…. @ 3:35.
Guh. Anthony just texted me… He is causing so much drama in my life right now. All I need is more girls talking about me and saying I’m a manstealer… thats just F***ing great :///
Church is going amazing by the way. Sunday is now the one day of the week I always look forward too, even getting up early for church <3
P.S. I miss my Bestestest Friend in the whole world, Miss Krissy right now. SOOO MUCH. Iloveyou. I’m gonna text you right now. Did I tell you about Drew? Oh shiz….
Filed under: Friends, random, school | Tags: Drew, feelings, Friends, Krissy, life, random, school, Travis
Well, Break is coming to a close and I am sad to see it leave. I like having no school. I like doing nothing all day, but I suppose that it is time to get back to the real world where I have a ton of things to do. I don’t think I want to go back though. Going back means seeing Travis and things being weird. Going back means more homework. Going back means tennis conditioning. Going back means getting up at 5:30am. Going back means moving on.
I do miss everything though. I miss seeing everyone. I miss having things to do. I miss seeing Travis. I miss talking to everyone and the buzzing of drama. It’s not the same anymore when you get that hint of what it’s like without it. I don’t know whether I want it all back or whether I want to let it all continue being gone.
The one good thing still to come is seeing my Krissy :] She came home last night and I am sooo pumped to see her today. I have missed her beyond belief!!! She brought home an international girl for the weekend so it won’t just be me and her, but I guess I can deal. Honestly, I don’t really want this girl there, but I am more than willing to give her a shot simply because Kris said that she is a cool girl. I’m stoaked to spend the night at Krissy’s tonight and eat wonderful Viet food :] I did get another offer for tonight to chill and drink with my brother and his friends, but I’m only doing that if Kris is down too. I don’t think she will be though… it’s a bummer. I think it might be kinda fun, but this is HER weekend, so… we do what she wants I guess…
GAH! I should finish homework, but I know I won’t. I have like a billion pages to read for the Scarlet Letter, but that book is so damn wordy that I feel like I am falling asleep every single time I read a page. It takes a second to read a little too. It’s so old english that you have to read the same sentence like 5 times before you get what Hawthorne was trying to say. I hate that. I’m not too fond of this book.
I’ve been thinking about Drew lately. I am not going to elaborate… just wanted to put it out there. I need to stop being me because it clearly isn’t working anymore. Any suggestions on who I should be?
Filed under: Friends, love | Tags: Changing, Drew, Friends, Happiness, Krissy, love, Michael, Relationships
I am starting to feel like I am missing something in my life. I’m not quite sure what it is, but I have had the feeling for awhile though. The only thing I can think of is that maybe something inside me is changing… not really missing per say. It does kind of seem like everything around me is changing though. I am getting to a point where I just feel different than I always have. I don’t know. I think I am feeling a lot better though. I am started to feel really… good… about life. I think that all that “think positive” crap that Krissy is always talking about might be working :] I feel like I have become a genuinely happy person now.
There are so many things that I could let damper my happiness though, but it is good that I am not letting them. The first and most important thing is that I don’t talk to Krissy anywhere near what I used to, but I am trying to see the positive side of it. I still do talk to her A LOT and she is the one that I always tell the most important things to first. We are still really close and that is all that matters. It nice to know that we can be apart for like two months and still be best friends. She is a highlight of my life and without her the last like three years would have been majorly horride. I love the girl and the distance is not going to kill me.
The second thing that could put a damper on the happiness is Michael. I love the kid and I think that because I have so many feelings for him, he has the ability to hurt me more than anyone. For some reason I don’t think he would though, but I don’t want to say that because that is exactly what i say about every other guy, and then he hurts me. I don’t know. Past relationships : Drew, Drew, Stephen, Drew again, some more Drew, Christopher and thats it. I know that the constant in this scenario is Drew, but i really think that I am over him. I know that I will always love him for the simple fact that he was there for me all those years no matter what. Also, for the fact that he was my first love, but I’m okay now. I read this thing somewhere and it said “sometimes you have to forget what you want and remember what you deserve.” That is kind of how I feel a lot of the time. I know that somewhere inside my heart, I will always want Drew, but I know what I deserve is so much better than him. I deserve Michael.
In the last couple days, with him being gone, he is simply all I can think about. When I listen to a song, he is what I think about. When I see something on televison that makes me smile, I think about him. I think that I am becoming a little obsesses with him… and that isn’t a good thing to me. I refuse to make someone my everything again. He is amazing though. I was worried that when he went to Louisanna, he would forget about me… well, not really forget me, but not think about me while he was gone. I am happy to report that my worries were useless. He sent me an e-mail saying that it was a bummer I wasn’t on because if I was, we could have talked all night. All I could do was smile and then be pissed off that the fucking internet at home is broken. DAMN THAT COMPUTER!!!
Anyway, life is going good. Krissy, I have one thing to say to you though… LLAMA!!!!… with a small penis.
JAM <3s MILK.
:]
Filed under: Friends, Insight, random | Tags: Alcohol, Angela's Ashes, Back to School, Drew, Drunk, Grounded, Summer Reading, The Awakening, Updates, Wesley
I don’t know what to think anymore. I have been feeling really good and I don’t think that I should. I went to a party on Friday night and got piss drunk… then I came home and my mother found out. I am now grounded for a week and it’s not that bad. I think that if I had a kid I would have given them WAY more punishment. The only downfall is that she is making me clean the house like a fucking slave. On Saturday I had to clean/scrub the bathroom. Sunday was the living room and kitchen. Today wasn’t that bad. I had to take out the garbage, vacum, clean the kitty litter, clean the walls in the hallway, and do the dishes. I know that it kind of seems like a lot, but it’s all relatively small things so it’s easy peasy man.
The one thing that I am looking foward to this week for sure is picking up my Welcome back to school packet!!! I am sooo excited. I wanted to go today, but I have to go with my mom and she had to work early. I think that I am going tomorrow because mom doesn’t have to work until like 4. I AM SOOO PUMPED MAN! I know it’s kind of nerdy to like school, but I do. I can’t wait to go back. The only thing that I am stressing about is finishing my summer reading. I have to read 3 books and I am about half way in two of them. One of the books is Angela’s Ashes by Frank McCourt and it is a really good book so far. I am also about half way done with The Awakening by Kate Chopin. I am not looking foward to finishing the The Awakening because one, I already know how it ends thanks to my amazing friends and two, it’s just an incredibly boring book. I doesn’t matter much though because I currently don’t have the book… I left it at Krissy’s house and at the moment it is impossible to get it back. Either I can’t get to her house or she won’t come to mine. I guess I will just focus on finishing Angela’s Ashes and starting Self-Relience and Other Essays. I don’t really think that I have to read the book though because they gave us a passage to answer the questions from. I think that I’m going to read it though, just to be safe.
Wow, this has been an amazingly boring blog. I apoligize if you had to read that.
Updates:
- I haven’t talked to Trevor in a few days.
- I haven’t talked to Michael since the day I made a fool of myself.
- When I got drunk I talked to Drew on Myspace and was a total whiny bitch … I asked him why he didn’t love me anymore and stuff like that. He told me that he still did, but I don’t believe him.
- After number 3 I sent him kind of a last try message : I’m sorry that I have been so pissy and mad at you lately. I just really miss you and I love you. I haven’t heard you say that you love me in over 3 months. I miss “us”. I just miss loving you and being happy. You probally aren’t going to reply and if you do it will be one word, but I thought that maybe it was worth a shot.
Janelle
P.S.
I really did mean it when I told you that I would love you forever and I still do. - Reading it again I know think that I am a giant pussy.
- I haven’t seen Wesley in two weeks and I am going CRAZY!!!!!!
