Filed under: Depression, school | Tags: Depression, fear, Holding Hands, Rejection, Sad, school, self, Travis
Today was a really hard day. Today was a day of a lot of tears. Today was a day that I almost wish had never happened. The things that defined today:
- I went to school looking like a freak (dressed up as Marilyn Manson for spirit week)
- People at my school are ignorant.
- I didn’t feel well.
- I was waiting for the cast list of the fall play to be posted.
- I didn’t make it.
- I spent most of sixth hour/seventh hour/after school crying.
The only glimmer of hope within my shitty Pandora box day was Travis. I was at his locker and started bawling my eyes out. He puts his hand on my shoulder and tells me that everything is going to be okay. Then I was like, oh yeah, and theres this guy that I like and he won’t hold my hand because of something that I couldn’t control. He grabbed my hand :]] He really does make me feel special and I wonder whats going to happen in the future, especially with Drew coming home soon.
Well, it’s late. I have school tomorrow. I’m going to be a Jedi for magician/clown day by wearing my Snuggie :]
Filed under: Depression, Insight, love | Tags: Broken, Depression, Halloween, Lost, love, Michael, Sad, Satanism, Travis, Wrong
Well, maybe rock bottom isn’t so bad. Maybe I will get used to this feeling… no doubt this has to do with Michael. He is the reason all I wanted to do yesterday, Halloween, was curl up on the couch and die. I did that more or less… I layed down and wacthed scary movies, drank hot coco, and cheered for the bad guy. I also found myself actually thinking as a satanist… I was in bed and I had a thought. “It is all hollows eve, the holiest of all days, and I am in bed by 11:40. Lame.”
Lately, one of the small pleasures I get in life is talking to Travis, Michael’s brother. He is adorable and a truely awesome kid… I mean young man. He likes saying that he is a “man”. I dont’ mind though because besides Wes and Kris, it seems like he is the only person who cares about me. Talking to him and seeing him has become a hgihlight of my day. He just makes me smile for no reason all the time. I went to the Choir Concert on thursday. I sat next to him and I know this is going to sound a little creepy, but I found myself watching him an awful lot. I can’t help but look at him and smile. It’s been a long time since I have felt this way. He is just so… real you know? He doesn’t put up a front when he is around me. He just is who he is. I dont’ have to try around him.
Reading that, it sure sounds like I like like him doesn’t it? Well, I can’t completely say that I don’t, but I am really really REALLY trying to push it out of my mind. I can’t like him. I can’t like him. He is 14. I am 16. He is a freshmen. I am a junior. He is michael’s brother for pete’s sake!!!! I can’t like him. I can’t like him. The more I say it though, the less I believe it. I have asked people and they think that it is okay. Two years is no big deal right? I mean… I am being a giant hypocrite. My last bf was 21… thats FIVE years. I am hoping that I just kinda have this feeling because he is like Michael, plus some more. He really does have all the things that Michael is missing. Besides, what’s wrong with liking him?… it’s not like I am in a relationship with him right? Hehe. I just remembered that he is probally going to read this and either 1, be scared, or 2, be scared and think I’m crazy. I would bet on both. Who knows, maybe I will be right for a change.
….took a break…
Well, I just got done talking to Michael and from the conversation I can say that he doesn’t like me. Maybe it is okay for me to blame myself. I know everyone is going to say that it isn’t my fault, but I know it is. There has to be something about me that he doesn’t like which makes it my problem. He really is a sweet guy, but I don’t know. All I can tell myself is that I am going to be better off by not liking him anymore.
I can’t just NOT like him though. I have spent so much time on him and the feelings I have for him that I really kinda don’t know what to do now. I don’t know if thisngs are going to change between me and him now, or if there is still going to be that unlying feeling present. I know I will get through this, but like I said in a previous… I don’t think that I am going to be okay.
I am so mad at myself for allowing myself to get hurt again. I know that I was putting myself out there by having feelings for him, but I didn’t think that it would hurt the second time around. I really did hope that it would work out and that I wouldn’t have to experience the pain of a broken heart again… I have no idea where to go from here, but hopefully I will get through this again and still be okay.
I really hope I will be okay… I don’t think so though. I can’t get through this on my own. Not again.
Filed under: Insight, love | Tags: anger, confusion, Depression, desires, eyes, inner love, love, perfection, self, self improvment
Last night I was laying in bed and I was thinking. I was thinking about the thing that I am always thinking about. Drew.
My thought: I love him. I want to wait for him to get out to be with him. Actually, by definition I am still with him. We never broke up. Hmmm… Anyways back on subject. Do I wanna wait six months for him to come back home? Yes. I have offically decided that I am going to wait for Drew because I love him. I love him more than I have ever loved anyone else. I know that he could change while he is detained, but hopefully it is for the better. He is an amazing person and whether it works out for us romantically he is someone that I always want in my life. There is no way that I am letting someone this important to me go. Not again. I have made that mistake before and it is the only thing in my entire life that I regret.
My other thought was that maybe I could take this time and change myself for the better. Maybe this is a sign. A sign that I need to work on me. I am always so confused and angry. This is the time that I am going to work on that. I am not satisfied with who I am and I am going to change that. When Drew’s mother told me that I needed to find someone else to love I was really upset. Maybe I can, but not in the way she meant. Maybe I can take the time that Drew is away from me to start loving myself. I need to love myself again. There are so many things that I would change about myself if I could. Some of them are vanity issues, but some of them are inside of me. Things that I have had bottled up in me for years and never delt with.
Things I am going to work while my love is detained:
- Anger
- Weight
- Hair
- Depression
- Communication
- Reactions
- Manners
- Soul
These are all things that I feel that I need to work on before I can truly love Drew the way that I want to. I want to love him with my everything and know that I will always love myself as well. I don’t think that this has ever been the love that I have had for him. I have always loved him with the thought that I love some of who I am.
Don’t get me wrong, the thing isn’t that I don’t love myself and who I am. I do, it’s just that I don’t COMPLETELY love who I am. I want to feel complete. I want to love myself for everything that I am, not just part. I owe it to myself and to Drew to be a whole person. I’m not a real person and I haven’t been for a long time. I am sick of the longing to be “perfect”. (Not in society’s eyes) I need to be “perfect” to me. I don’t want to hate myself and wish I could be something or someone different.
I just want and need to open my eyes and love everything that I am.
“Life is not about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself” – unknown
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: Depression, desire, love, sadness, tears
I don’t know what it is. Everyday I seem to fall deeper into this thing. I don’t know what it is. I don’t know if it’s normal teenage shit. I don’t know whether or not it’s actual depression. I don’t know if I’m actually bipolar. I just don’t know. Everyday I feel like shit. I try not to show it because I don’t want people to sit there and bother me with all the “what’s wrong?”s. I seem to want to cry all the time…but I have nothing to cry about. I don’t have some sort of deathly disease. I don’t have no friends. I have a life. I’m just so confused all the time. I think that a lot of the time I just want to feel loved and no one can seem to give enough. I want to scream and cry and punch and let it all out, but I don’t know what I’m letting out. I don’t know what I’m so sad about. I don’t know what I’m so angry about. I’ve been thinking about my past lately. Mainly Drew. I can’t get him out of my mind. I know that I was done with him. I was done crying over him and all the things that happened. I miss his touch and the retarded things that he said. I tried calling and everytime he wasn’t home. I found out that he ran away from home a little while ago. His dad hits him. I knew that, but I didn’t know that it was THAT bad. He never had bruises. I just can’t stop thinking about that letter that I sent him. I just kept telling him that I wanted him to always feel like he could talk to me…and that I would always be there for him, but I don’t think he gets it. I would do ANYTHING for him. I really do love him. I just haven’t felt the same joy that I felt when I was with him. I felt so warm and complete when I was with him. I wanted him to be my everything. I thought that I was going to be with him for a long time. I wanted my first time be with him. I wanted him to hold me when I went threw all the things that made me cry. Everytime I go through somthing that makes me want to cry I think of him and I cry even more. I want him to be the guy that makes me feel better. If I could I would drop everything and every guy to be with him. Yet, I get so mad. I don’t want to love him anymore. I don’t want to feel the emptiness anymore. I want to live and be happy with it. His love is tearing me apart. I want him forever.
