Filed under: Friends, Insight, love | Tags: confusion, Drew, Emotions, Friends, guys, happy, Krissy, life, love, Relationships
What do you do when you thought that everything was going amazing and that something seems to throw in a wrench? I feel like this is whats happening. I love Drew. I really do, but sometimes I feel like I am the only one feeling it. I don’t understand why it’s so hard for him to just commit to me. To tell people that I am his “girlfriend”. I don’t even know what to say about him anymore. I can’t really call him my “boyfriend” but he’s not…nothing… I just don’t even know what to say anymore. I can’t give up. I can’t let go. I try to be okay with everything that he puts me through. He doesn’t hurt me on purpose… This is hard.
I hope I see him today.
Travis hugged me yesterday. He was leaning on the lockers and I came and leaned on him and he put his arms around me. It made me happy, but I feel it’s a little too little a little too late.
I love Kris and seeing her this week and spending time with her was amazing. I am soo gladd that she is happy. Pilot is a good guy and he makes her so happy. I am this lasts forever :] I never thought that I would be jealous of my best friend’s LONG DISTANCE relationship though…
Filed under: AWESOME, Depression, Friends, Insight, love, random | Tags: Amazing, AWESOME, boyfriend, confusion, Drew, Emotions, fear, guys, life, school, Travis
Drew flaked on me. I guess to explain this, I should start from the beginning.
We have been talking the last couple weeks.
He asked for my number. I gave it to him.
He called me last night when I was at work, I called when I got off.
We talked for 3.5 hours until I was falling asleep.
Now it’s all caught up. We had made plans to hang out pretty much all day today. I was gonna spend the night at his house. I was looking forward to having him for the whole weekend :] Last night he told me to call him when I wake up, so thats what I did. We talk real quick and then he says hes going to go take a shower. Then he calls me back a little later and says that there is a major change in plans :[ He says that we can't hang out because he has to go do something with his mom and his other friend. I am really bummed and I know he feels really bad, but what can I do? Nothing. He promised me all next weekend <3 I think that I am going to bring to the football game. I don't know if it's a good idea though...because of Travis. I feel like real soon I am going to have to choose one. I don't want to, but I can't like both. They both can't be my love interest.
Krissy says that this is a sign, us not being able to hang out. I can't lie though and say that part of me doesn't agree, but I can't really explain it. I can't explain in words how good it feels to hear him say "I love you".
I feel like in a lot of ways I compare Drew and Travis and I know it's wrong but I can't help it. It's like they have what the oppisite doesn't. Drew has my heart. Travis has my friendship. Drew has the years of past. Travis has the everyday. Drew has the deep stuff. Travis has the fun stuff. Drew was there in a tough time. Travis is there now. I don't know. I just feel like in the end, Drew is going to win out for my heart. I also think this is because Travis doesn't really seem to want my heart. He keeps trying to hook me up with other people, always girls though. Travis is honestly one of my best friends.
This is hard. I am looking still looking forward to this weekend though :] I am going to the movies with Nada, Nora, Jade, Anthony, and some of his friends. We are going to see Paranormial Activity :] Tomorrow morning I have church and I think I might be working sunday during the day. Then I have youth group on Sunday night.
Oh, about Senior Highs… I feel like I need to try harder to be quiet. A lot of the time, I have a problem with self control. I need to learn when it’s okay to talk and when it’s not. I don’t want Grace to think that I am disrespecting her when I talk a lot.
Future Shows I plan on seeing:
Party Like Summer – Nov 6 in Lansing
NeverShoutNever – December 12 at the Filmore <3
Filed under: AWESOME, Family, Friends, Insight, love, music, religion, school | Tags: Changing, Christopher, confusion, Emily, Friends, Krissy, life, love, music, Relationships, religion, Travis, Wesley
Well, I haven’t blogged in awhile so I guess I’ll do an update because that the only way for me to get in everything to all those people that DON’T read this… Hehe. I wonder why I keep writing. I only know like three people that read this. Oh well.
Friends: Everything with them is GREAT! I don’t see Wes or Emily too much anymore, but we talk and hang when we can. Now that I think about it, I don’t think Wes, Emily, and I have all hung out together since school let out. Well, that’s something to add to the list of summer stuff. I haven’t talked to Melad in awhile and I think I might text her soon. I have been talking to and hung out with Amanda again. It was good to see her, it’s been some time. Side Note: Clayton got suppperrr hot. He is going to teach me to play the guitar as a trade off and I am going to help him with Algebra.
I hang out with Kris, Gabs, Sarah, Lorenzo and the whole gang whenever I can. Couple days ago we played kick the can and smoked Hookah on the roof of a strip mall. It was pretty amazing. Went to the mall with Krissy and Sarah yesterday. It’s random stuff, but still fun because it’s people I love being around. Ummm… Ron is back from California. He left because he didn’t feel he belonged in Michigan anymore. He was gone for about a month. Then he made his way back.It’s nice having him around again. He has a new job at Valvoline and it’s funnnnyyy.
I have been making some new friends too. I hang out and talk to the people from youth group quite a bit. It’s nice having OTHER friends to talk to sometimes. Just adding to the collection. Jordan is one of the people that I LOVE hanging out with. He is my age, going to be a senior at Groves. He swims and is super involved at school. He is just a chill guy he makes me feel good when I am around him. Another person I talk to and hang with is Stucky. He is a nice guy, going to be sophmore at Groves and to be honest, he is a giant pot head. I deal with it though. I don’t smoke with him so it’s whatever. Karly is the closest girl to me. She is like soo sweet. She is a cheerleader at Lasher and is going to be Senior. I love her :]]
School: IT’S SUMMER BABY!!! NO SCHOOL. ( I still have hella summer homework though :[ )
Work: I honestly LOVE my job. It's not that hard and I love coming to a place where I get along with the people. It's nice to have a payday too :] I get paid above minimum wage, I get paid in cash and I only work about two days a week. We have two cooks, they are both really nice people, but honestly I HAVE to say that working with Tony H is wayyy more fun. He is a sweetheart and kinda cute too ;] Lol. He is just such a nice guy that I’d rather work with him over Little Tony anyday… My boss is Gabby’s dad and he is soooo intense. He is like loud and will speak his mind no matter what. He did me a HUGE favor by giving me a job and I will love him forever :] He kinda a hard ass though. I don’t mind though, I respect him for it.
Boys: I’ve been a little rocky on this path. There have been so many issues and I don’t know where I left off.
Travis - I’ve only talked to him once since school let out. A 17 minute phone call. I miss him a lot I am not going to lie.
Christopher – I am done with that asshole. He broke my heart for the second time and didn’t give a shit. He said he was in love with me and then he didn’t want to be with me. I still loves me as a friend and wants in my pants. I don’t think so. Go find some whore in Arizona to mess with, I’m better than that.
Anthony – I’m not really quite sure what is up with me and him. He texts to see if I wanna hang and stuff, but it doesn’t seem like he really wants to. I don’t know. It’s just too shady for my taste.
Jordan – I really like him but I know I can’t do anything about those feelings due to the fact that he still has a gf and I’ve gone down that road before. It’s not a good one, no one wins, everyone gets hurt. For now he is just a friend and that’s all he is going to be until he is single and interested in me. The part that is so hard is like we have soo much in common and he is so easy to open up and talk to. He makes me feel like such an amazing girl, especially when he tells me so :] Which he has… I don’t know. I want to hang with him more than I do and it’s gonna be boss when we go to State together :]]]]]]]]]]]]]]
God – I have been blessed and now I can see how much HE has done for me. He is reason I am alive and living this amazing life. I know that sometimes I can lead myself into temptation and do things that I shouldn’t, but in the end, God is going to forgive me because he knows I am truely sorry. I used to be so scared that God would walk out on me because I do so much wrong and have given up on him before, but now I know that he never will. He will never give up on me. He sent me on Mission Trip to become enlighted and help people know his love like I do. Little did I know that Mission would have such an impact on me. It brought me so much closer to him and I am grateful beyond words for that. All I can do is pray that my relationship continues to grow and I don’t stray again.
Filed under: Insight, religion | Tags: Changing, confusion, Emotions, feelings, God, religion
Everyday people die for what they believe in. I was talking to my friend Emily yesterday and she mentioned that a certain Flyleaf song was written about Columbine. I looked it up, and sure enough, “Cassie” was written about Cassie Bernall, one of the young girls who was killed at Columbine.
The story behind the song is that Cassie Bernall was asked by one of the shooters if she believed in God and her last words were yes. She died for her faith in God. The actual trueness of these events are questionable and there are many people that say it didn’t happen. The girl she was sitting with in the library said she screamed to God about why was this happening to her, and then the shooter came out of nowhere and surprised her… and shot her.
Anyways, the point of this was not whether or not it happened, but the fact that people can do something like that. It’s something that I am desperately searching for, that blind faith that Cassie Bernall had. She knew that if she said yes, she was going to die and she still stayed true to God. I don’t know if I could honestly do that. I want to be able to, but it’s so hard for me to put all my faith, and ultimately, my life in the hands of something/someone I can’t prove is there and will never be able to. I feel like I need some kind of proof that I’m not going to be punished again… that I’m not going to hurt again before I put all my faith in Him.
Thats what they talked about at youth group on Sunday. They said that we are all children of God and that even when we wonder, God will always be there ready for us to come back. That He never stops loving us regardless of what we think. I was upset that I missed it because it was basically EVERYTHING I am. Emily said that God is going to throw a party for me when I go back to him. This made me think,… people who have faith have good things that come to them. Right? This isn’t really true though. There are some people that have absolutely NO faith and they are as happy as a clam. Others, who make God a staple in their lives, get the shit deal.
It just doesn’t seem fair, if you love God, he should love you and reward you, NOT give you a hard life…
I though yesterday that maybe all of the bads things in my life are a blessing in disguise. Maybe I was given so many challenges because God knew I was strong, he knew I could handle it. I mean, it’s understandable that not everyone can have the picture perfect life, but come on… I have to have THAT MANY things go wrong? Not really. I could have done without the cutting, the abuse, and the lies. I don’t know, I’m just trying to understand all of this and it’s getting harder the more I get into it, but I feel like everyday I am getting closer to that faith I am looking for. It’s going to take A LOT of steps to get there, but one day I will and one day I will know that everything is going to be okay.
Filed under: Insight, religion | Tags: confusion, Emotions, fear, feelings, God, life, religion
The lyrics stream through my head.
The tears stream down my face.
I don’t know where this began.
I don’t know this forgien place.
Am I happy?
Am I sad?
My mind of feels out of sync.
Is this destiny?
Is this hell?
How do I find the missing link?
It’s you.
It’s me.
It’s us.
The music made me see the light.
It let me see what we could be.
It made me see I would loose us.
So slow down, take a breath.
Make a thought that is complete.
Keep your head clear.
Stand flat on your feet.
Walk to the light.
Walk to his love.
End your fight.
Let him take your fears above.
Filed under: Friends, Insight, love | Tags: confusion, Friends, love, Travis
Travis… Travis… Travis… Travis…
I want him to want me. I want him to think about me half as much as I think about him. I want to not want so much from him.
Why is it that I can’t just sit back and relax? Why can’t I just be happy with who we are are? On friday, at the musical, we sat together. He sat next to me the whole time and he wouldn’t hold my hand. I had my hand on his thigh though… that counts for something right? I mean, he will let me touch him. He comes to see me at tennis practice and he promised to come to every tennis match. He really is amazing. I can’t imagine my world without him. Breathe Janelle.
I can take him as he is, how is wants to be. If he can do the same for me…
Everything makes me think of him. Bumper stickers on Facebook, songs, movies, books, everything…. Well, most things. I want to tell him that I love him, but I know that if I do, he has the chance to break my heart. He said that I was his best friend, I don’t know if that’s good. I mean, it’s better than nothing, but I mean.. I want to be so much more. He said that he tells me everything, except he can’t tell me what we are… if I matter to him…
I don’t know. I guess I’m expecting too much.
Filed under: Insight | Tags: Changing, confusion, fear, feelings, life, questions, random, self, Travis
Yeah, I’m pretty sure that I don’t like living all that much. I feel like it’s hard to get through everyday without wanting to breakdown over the littlest things. I think all those years are therapy is what screwed me up, not fixed me. I am so sick as seeing life as a project and something that I need to work on and improve rather than something I am meant to enjoy. Maybe that’s why I don’t like it… maybe it’s because I’m not living it the way it was meant to be lived. I need to chill out man. I need to breathe. I need to stop it all and take it in.
Everyday it feels like something new goes wrong though. When things go good for once, there is always something missing. Travis is talking to me again, BUT he won’t hold my hand or e-mail me. It’s not the same. I really wish I could go back to the beginning with him and not fuck it up. I was sooo into him that I didn’t realize when I was beginning to drown him. I couldn’t see that he was in over his head because I didn’t want to. I wish I could start over with him, fix it all. Fix the relationships in my life instead of the life itself.
That’s what I should do…. Chill, rethink, relax, repair.
Filed under: Insight, random | Tags: Blame, Changing, confusion, fault, feelings, fixing life, life, questions, random, self
I wonder if there is a way that everything around you can change, but you remain the same. Or is change enivitable? Is it something that is bound to happen because that’s just how life is? Or is there a way to stop it from happening?
You know when you meet a new person? Is there a way that that person can become part of your life without them rubbing off on your somehow? Is your personality and how you based on who you surround yourself with? If so, is everyone around you really no one? Does that mean that no one really is themselves? Am I not Janelle? Am I just a mixture of who my friends are? BUT, they are a mixture of who they are around. God, that means that I’m not who I thought I was AT ALL. Who I am is based on a billion and seven people that I have never met.
Why do I doubt myself so much? How is it that nothing is how I think it is? Why do I ask so many questions? Honestly, I think it is because I am looking for so many answers in life and I feel like I haven’t found any of them yet. I don’t know anything. I feel like I am smart, but when it comes down to the real world, I don’t know a damn thing. This is were I make a pact to learn. To start paying attention to the world around me and take it all in for once. I feel like I try so hard to understand everything, but something blocks it. I know that it’s me. It’s me that is stopping me.
I haven’t blogged about this before. I have written about how unhappy I am and how something inside of me is causing it. That my “mental state” is causing it. I don’t think that anymore though. I am willing to accept my mistakes. I am willing to accept who I am and that sometimes, when things go wrong, it is my fault. It is MY fault. I blame myself a lot, but I never really accept it. I just don’t want someone to blame themselves for something I don’t think is their fault so regardless of it being my fault or not, I take the blame. I need to start taking the blame for what is ACTUALLY my fault.
I just need to start living life instead of playing some side part in my life. How is it that I can say these things sooo many times, but never actually change what is wrong. I have said ALL of this before. I need to stop saying and start doing.
Filed under: Friends, love | Tags: confusion, Frustration, Guh, ignoring, love, Rejection, Travis
I don’t know what I did, but I feel like I just want to be done trying for something that no one else is working for. Does that mean I should give up on happiness because no one is willing to help me? It seems like the one person I thought would make me the most happy is the person that is hurting me the most. By not looking at me, by ignoring me, it kills me.
No, you know what… If he is going to act like this. Fine. I can play his games too. I can play them even better because I have more than enough experience. No, I can’t do that though. I don’t want to hurt him and doing it on purpose is seventy times worse too. The fact that the thought crossed my mind is horrible. I shouldn’t want to hurt him. I shouldn’t want some form of revenge, but I am going to in some sense. He is going to ignore me… fine… I’m not going to ignore him, but I refuse to go out of my way to acknowledge him. He is there when he wants to be. Hope he will now how it feels, although, it probably won’t matter all that much. He’ll finally be getting what he wants now.
I hate this. I wanna pull a Kurt Cobain, but no worries… I won’t actually do it.
Filed under: Friends, Insight | Tags: confusion, Crazy, crush, freshman, Fuck up, Idiot, Insane, Krissy, Travis
I am kinda really scared that I am going to freak Travis out with all of this. I don’t want things to be akward now. I really don’t :[. He is an awesome kid and I don't know what I would do without him. There are three people in my life that make me feel complete; Krissy, Wesley, and... Travis. He is truely an amazing kid (I mean young man). He makes me laugh and I can't help but smile when I am around him. He just makes me feel... good you know?
Things are going to be akward now. I can feel it. I really don't want them to be though. I know that I don't regret anything that has ever happened to me or anything I have ever done, but this could be one of those things... I might. Messing things up with him would defidently be something that I would REALLY regret. I don't want it to be akward. No akward. Guh. I am a fucking idiot man. He doesn't even like me... like that.
He has so many things that I love though. He is smart, and funny, and cute, and and and.... he makes me happy, he knows what to say, he hugs, he doesn't bottle things up. I feel like I fucked it all up now. GUHHH. Damn emotion and sleeves! BUT... maybe it is time that I pick a nice guy. Like a change of scenery.
Wesley told me to chill out and just be myself. I am kinda scared for him to see the real me though. I mean... it's not like I have been being fake with him, but I don't know. I have this fear that as soon as he gets to know me better, he really is going to think that I am crazy insane. A lot of people do, but it's like... I don't want him to think of me as insane in a bad way. The people that know me the best are the ones who think that I am insane.... but they love me with everything. I want that to be him. He said that he loved me last night on the phone, but I know that he didn't mean it in the love love way, but it's nice to know that he loves me as a friend. I was all like... 'Melad was like... 'Everyone loves Janelle!'" He was like.. they do. I was like .. do you? He was yes. It made me smile and I almost forgot all the tears I had shed that day.
I now feel like I MUST MUST MUST mention that Krissy is amazing and I love her with my whole heart. She is my bfffffffffffffffffffffffl :] I would die without her.
Random thought: It’s a shame that the new scenery and old scenery are brother… I sure know how to pick ‘em don’t I?
