Filed under: Friends, love, school | Tags: Christopher, Drew, Friends, Krissy, life, love, Michael, school, Travis, Work
I should be doing homework right now.. I don’t want to though, I like sitting on the computer listening to music, downloading iTunes, printing papers for NHS, and writing a new blog. Ahh, the magic of multi-tasking. I feel like I have so much to say today, but not really.
“It takes guts to fall in love, but it takes nerve to go back to the one who broke you.”
It seems like everytime I turn around, I am making another mistake when it comes to love. I don’t know if it’s because I am so desperate to be loved or if it because I love so much that I can’t help myself sometimes. Lets see, boys I have loved…
Drew- Like I said before, I don’t really know what to say. I know that no matter what, I will always love him. I really think I will. He is one of the ones that broke me, the one that I have gone back to so many times. I don’t know if I am scared of going back anymore. He is someone I think about all the time. Honestly sometimes I feel guilty thinking about him. He is someone that is so special that I feel bad for having any bad thoughts. Its just like, he has hurt me so many times to always see him coming back as a positive. In the end, I know I love him.
Travis- He is someone that I love more and more everyday. It seems like things between us are getting better. He hugged me today. He holds my hand in the hall again (well kinda lol [long story]). A lot of the time when I am with him, I find myself wishing I was kissing him. I wish that he would just lean down and kiss me. He never does, but everyday I get the feeling that he just might. He won’t go to Homecoming with me though… I hope he comes to LaserTag on Sunday though. I love him, I really do. I’m not IN love. I’m taking my time with him. I have to.
Michael- This is the akward part. I know that I have been IN love with Michael, who, as you know if you read this a lot (which no one but Kris prob does) then you know that Michael is Travis’s older brother. He is someone that has helped me out a lot and for a long time, he was the one person that I wanted more than anything. I don’t have many problems with him. Slowly I am realizing that my feelings for him are more friendship than anything. He is honestly my BEST guy friend. We know almost everything about each other. He likes Abby…He told me today. I am kind of upset that it’s not me, but it doesn’t hurt quite like I thought it would. I thought I would be all dramatic, thinking my heart had been ripped out of my chest. I thought it kinda had when I first started to see that Mickey liked her. I just wanna him to be happy, I really do. Besides, minus our differences, I think Mickey could make her happy and they would honestly be suuppper adorable together. Oh Mickey, Alligator Food <3
Christopher- I love him. This is one of those things that I don’t know where I stand anymore. He is someone that I said I loved, but I don’t know if I did atleast not like that. He has been such an asshole to me, but somehow I always forgive him. He seems to think that I will always love him no matter what, but I don’t really agree with him. I just let him think that because it makes him feel good. He was in town the other week and when we had made plans to hang out, he completely blew me off. We haven’t talked to almost two weeks. I don’t know if he is someone that is good for me… He isn’t. He said he loved me and then took it back a week later.
Well, this has mostly been about boys… like they always are… Lol.
Hmm. School is going well. I am doing well in my classes I think so far. I work on friday night and am missing the biggest football game of the year :[ I like my classes and I am starting to make new friends.
Auditions for the fall play were yesterday and hopefully a cast list will be posted tomorrow morning. I really hope I make it. I want the role of Anna Trumball. She is the hippie of the play :] I don’t know what I will do if I don’t make it. This is my senior year and all I wanna do is have a lead role, boost my gpa, and get into NHS. Ohhhh. I have to tape my interview on Monday…. @ 3:35.
Guh. Anthony just texted me… He is causing so much drama in my life right now. All I need is more girls talking about me and saying I’m a manstealer… thats just F***ing great :///
Church is going amazing by the way. Sunday is now the one day of the week I always look forward too, even getting up early for church <3
P.S. I miss my Bestestest Friend in the whole world, Miss Krissy right now. SOOO MUCH. Iloveyou. I’m gonna text you right now. Did I tell you about Drew? Oh shiz….
Filed under: AWESOME, Family, Friends, Insight, love, music, religion, school | Tags: Changing, Christopher, confusion, Emily, Friends, Krissy, life, love, music, Relationships, religion, Travis, Wesley
Well, I haven’t blogged in awhile so I guess I’ll do an update because that the only way for me to get in everything to all those people that DON’T read this… Hehe. I wonder why I keep writing. I only know like three people that read this. Oh well.
Friends: Everything with them is GREAT! I don’t see Wes or Emily too much anymore, but we talk and hang when we can. Now that I think about it, I don’t think Wes, Emily, and I have all hung out together since school let out. Well, that’s something to add to the list of summer stuff. I haven’t talked to Melad in awhile and I think I might text her soon. I have been talking to and hung out with Amanda again. It was good to see her, it’s been some time. Side Note: Clayton got suppperrr hot. He is going to teach me to play the guitar as a trade off and I am going to help him with Algebra.
I hang out with Kris, Gabs, Sarah, Lorenzo and the whole gang whenever I can. Couple days ago we played kick the can and smoked Hookah on the roof of a strip mall. It was pretty amazing. Went to the mall with Krissy and Sarah yesterday. It’s random stuff, but still fun because it’s people I love being around. Ummm… Ron is back from California. He left because he didn’t feel he belonged in Michigan anymore. He was gone for about a month. Then he made his way back.It’s nice having him around again. He has a new job at Valvoline and it’s funnnnyyy.
I have been making some new friends too. I hang out and talk to the people from youth group quite a bit. It’s nice having OTHER friends to talk to sometimes. Just adding to the collection. Jordan is one of the people that I LOVE hanging out with. He is my age, going to be a senior at Groves. He swims and is super involved at school. He is just a chill guy he makes me feel good when I am around him. Another person I talk to and hang with is Stucky. He is a nice guy, going to be sophmore at Groves and to be honest, he is a giant pot head. I deal with it though. I don’t smoke with him so it’s whatever. Karly is the closest girl to me. She is like soo sweet. She is a cheerleader at Lasher and is going to be Senior. I love her :]]
School: IT’S SUMMER BABY!!! NO SCHOOL. ( I still have hella summer homework though :[ )
Work: I honestly LOVE my job. It's not that hard and I love coming to a place where I get along with the people. It's nice to have a payday too :] I get paid above minimum wage, I get paid in cash and I only work about two days a week. We have two cooks, they are both really nice people, but honestly I HAVE to say that working with Tony H is wayyy more fun. He is a sweetheart and kinda cute too ;] Lol. He is just such a nice guy that I’d rather work with him over Little Tony anyday… My boss is Gabby’s dad and he is soooo intense. He is like loud and will speak his mind no matter what. He did me a HUGE favor by giving me a job and I will love him forever :] He kinda a hard ass though. I don’t mind though, I respect him for it.
Boys: I’ve been a little rocky on this path. There have been so many issues and I don’t know where I left off.
Travis - I’ve only talked to him once since school let out. A 17 minute phone call. I miss him a lot I am not going to lie.
Christopher – I am done with that asshole. He broke my heart for the second time and didn’t give a shit. He said he was in love with me and then he didn’t want to be with me. I still loves me as a friend and wants in my pants. I don’t think so. Go find some whore in Arizona to mess with, I’m better than that.
Anthony – I’m not really quite sure what is up with me and him. He texts to see if I wanna hang and stuff, but it doesn’t seem like he really wants to. I don’t know. It’s just too shady for my taste.
Jordan – I really like him but I know I can’t do anything about those feelings due to the fact that he still has a gf and I’ve gone down that road before. It’s not a good one, no one wins, everyone gets hurt. For now he is just a friend and that’s all he is going to be until he is single and interested in me. The part that is so hard is like we have soo much in common and he is so easy to open up and talk to. He makes me feel like such an amazing girl, especially when he tells me so :] Which he has… I don’t know. I want to hang with him more than I do and it’s gonna be boss when we go to State together :]]]]]]]]]]]]]]
God – I have been blessed and now I can see how much HE has done for me. He is reason I am alive and living this amazing life. I know that sometimes I can lead myself into temptation and do things that I shouldn’t, but in the end, God is going to forgive me because he knows I am truely sorry. I used to be so scared that God would walk out on me because I do so much wrong and have given up on him before, but now I know that he never will. He will never give up on me. He sent me on Mission Trip to become enlighted and help people know his love like I do. Little did I know that Mission would have such an impact on me. It brought me so much closer to him and I am grateful beyond words for that. All I can do is pray that my relationship continues to grow and I don’t stray again.
I should have known that perfect never lasts. Christopher broke up with me. I didn’t really see it coming AT ALL to be honest. I know that all girls say that, but I mean it. It happened on Tuesday. I don’t really want to talk about it…
Life so amazing right now that that is all I have to say. The only thing that is kind of a bummer is that Christopher has a hangover so I haven’t really talked to him all day :[ Poor baby, BUT I am spending the day with him tomorrow to celebrate my birthday so I am sooo excited :]
I turn sixteen in two days <3
Filed under: AWESOME, love | Tags: Christopher, happy, Holding Hands, Kissing, love, Tuesday, Wesley
I don’t know how I got so lucky man. I found THE most amazing guy that I think I have ever met. His name is Christopher and I have mentioned him before. I don’t know if I put that we ended up not talking for a few days because he was scared of what my brother would do, but it did happen. Four days later he texted me at four in the morning to say that he was sorry and that he liked me. He also mentioned that he still really wanted to see me. I am amazing, but REALLY happy. He is one of those guys that just make you feel kind of complete.
It’s hard to see him because he works a lot and because we have decided that it would be best to NOT tell my mom or my brother, I can’t really see him on the weekends, when he doesn’t work. Luckily, he doesn’t work on Tuesday though. Last Tuesday he drove all the way from Troy to pick me up at school then we went to his house. We wacthed most of Superbad because I have never seen it, but then he just layed there staring at me. Thats ALL he did. He just looked at me. It was really nice though because it was those “this girl is amazing” look not the “this chick is hot… I wanna fuck her” look. Then he kissed my forehead <3 To me that is like THE sweetest thing ever. We ended up kissing a lot and then he had to take me home. He gave me goodbye kisses and held my hand on the car ride home :] He makes me soo happy.
I think that my Tuesdays were doomed to be amazing always <3 First Wesley, Now Christopher. It’s Saturday now and I have talked to him like non-stop everyday since last Tuesday. My birthday is on wednesday so he is taking me out to dinner and a movie on tuesday. I can’t wait. He is amazing :] :] :] :]
Last night he sent me the most amazing text. “You mean the whole world to me green eyes. I love you so much.” <3 He calls me green eyes. Not the best nickname, but sweet nontheless. All the people that matter all ready now the more intimate details and that is how it is going to stay. I am sooo happy though… and thanks Kris for being happy for me :]
We made up.
Today was amazing.
His kisses give me butterflies.
His touch makes me float.
I can’t remember the last time I was this happy :]
Filed under: Depression, Friends, Insight, love | Tags: Brother, Christopher, College, Disappointment, Friends, Hatred, Loser, Lost, love, Mr. Perfect, Satanism, Wicca
Well, it’s been awhile and everything in my life that could have gone wrong has. I found the perfect guy who wanted to be with me and it’s been fucked up. I haven’t hung out with the people I love most in awhile. My best friend has left me to rot in this shit hole called a town while she has wonderful adventures in college. I hate my brother, but that is nothing new… I have to go back to school soon and of course I am not prepared. I am once again confused about what I believe and what I want. I feel like I once again want to crawl into a corner and die. I just wish that so many things could be different.
Let’s start with the beginning. I found an amazing guy who wanted to be with me. His name is Chris B and he is truly amazing. He is 21 and sooo nice. He is hot and sensitive. The biggest thing that was a turn on is that he didn’t just want to fuck me. He wanted a relationship me and even asked me out on a date. I was sooo excited because my mom said that I could go out with him. Then once my brother found out that I was going on a date with him he FLIPPED OUT. I didn’t tell my mom that he was 21 because I didn’t want her to say that I couldn’t go out with him so I said that I didn’t know how old he was. Then when she got home she told me that I couldn’t go out with him and of course my brother sent out the forces. He had friends slap him up a bit. He had everyone tell Chris not to talk to me, but being as amazing as he is… he still did. He still wanted to see me and for once I thought that I had found that one guy that wouldn’t make me cry.
When I thought this I was thinking too soon. Last night I was talking to him about him coming over today and he was all game and then when I told him that I didn’t know if Bruce was going to be home he got all freaked out and told me that he didn’t want to talk to me anymore… that it “wasn’t going to work out” because he “valued life too much”. These are exact words. I couldn’t do anything, but cry then. That’s all I did for about an hour and a half. Now I am not talking my brother. I am done with him. I lost having a future with an amazing guy because of him and it’s the last time I am ever going to let him think that he can make decisions for me. He can’t even fix his own life. Who the fuck is he is to think that he can run my life!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Krissy has left the building. She has moved away. She has met new friends. She has a new phone. She has a new life. I’m in the past now… That’s just how I feel about that right now. I feel like when I talk to her now she has all these inside things with everyone else that I don’t know about. I feel like everything I ever had with her won’t be the same. WE wouldn’t be the same. I just want them to go back to how they were, but now I know that it can’t. Everyone has to move on with life and if her moving on means leaving me then I wish her the best of luck. I hope she knows that I will always love her though :]
I now have summer reading that I haven’t even finished reading and question that I only have ONE answer to. I should do it, but for some reason I keep putting it off. I go back to school in a week and something makes me want to hold on to summer. It’s not like anything good happened that makes me want it all back, but I kinda feel like it was wasted on nothingness. I just want it all back so that I can do something significant with the time I had.
Surprise Surprise. I am thinking about learning about being Pagan and Wiccan. I’m thinking that something in me wants to think that nothing but human controls the world, but I can’t seem to make it stick. I don’t think that I am going to convert to anything just yet, but I want to learn. I am still learning about Satanism and the more I read, the more I feel like I believe it. I was reading today about the Satanistic point of view on love. They believe that love is a special thing that should only be given to those that deserve it. It how I feel. I am sick of giving love to people who have shown me no reason to. I am just sick of getting hurt. I’m starting to have a different view on everything I ever thought. I’m starting to open up my mind.
Hopefully… some things in my life will change along with my mindset.
