Filed under: Depression, Insight, love | Tags: Changing, Depression, Drew, fear, Relationships, Sad, self, tears
Wow. These last couple days has been a roller coaster ride. I don’t know how I feel anymore. On monday Drew told me that we would never be together, that he is in love with someone else. Honestly, I was crushed and I still am, but it’s like part of me feels kind of releaved. Like I said, the thing that got me the worst was when he told me that I would have to get over the fact that I wouldn’t have him forever, that I COULDNT have him forever. I feel like in some way, this is a good thing to hear. I feel like this is finally the closure that I have been looking for. It’s taken me so long to let him go and now I feel like he is kind of letting me let him go. He is saying that it’s okay.
I feel like this is almost the way of life telling me that I can have more after him. It’s saying that maybe he isn’t right for me. My whole life, I have been so scared of losing people that I don’t let people go…at all. I HATE when people leave so I simply can’t think of me leaving someone. I think the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do was break up with someone when I knew he was in love with me. I can’t stand the thought of breaking someones heart. When I talked to Drew it always seemed like I was so in love with him and he was in love with me, but maybe now that I look at it, I was in love with him and he loved me, but wasn’t IN love. It hurt so bad when he said that he loved her simply because she is like 15 and he has known her for a year. How could he love her and not me….? He said he cares though and part of me def believes him…
I just feel like I am moving into another stage in my life where I can finally move onto something new. I mean, he is missing out because he is never going to find someone who will love him like I do. He will never find someone who is going to put up with the stuff that I put up with. I am amazing and he is missing out. I am amazing.
I feel like this is coming at a good time too. This means I can take senior year and work on me and really enjoy this. I now vow to love me before I fall in love with another boy. On monday I felt like I wanted to die and I swore to myself years ago that I was never going to think like that again. I’m not going to break promises to myself anymore. This is a new chapter for me. A good chapter.
Filed under: AWESOME, Insight, love | Tags: Amazing, Bradlee, Changing, Emotions, life, self
You know how sometimes people say rather small things that make a huge crash on certain people. I just read one of the blogs that Bradlee wrote on the Party Like Summer Myspace an I feel like my soul has been ripped out and typed by someone else. I just want other people to read it too. He wrote:
“I woke up this morning and there was a piece of paper on my floor.
Scribbled on it just two words, “don’t worry”.
I’m not sure exactly when, or if, i wrote this.
But i do know it bugged me a ton.
I thought about those two words all day and came to this conclusion;
Sometimes it seems as a society we spend far to much time worrying about silly stuff.
We tend to over look life’s little beauties because were so wrapped in all of the drama.
Every little thing that we do from switching on a light switch and having the light turn on,
to taking a deep breath and the air around us having just the right amount of gasses for our lungs to filter it thus giving our bodies essential oxygen.
All these things are tiny little miracles that should bring us a ton of joy, but we overlook because were too busy worrying.”
Filed under: AWESOME, Family, Friends, Insight, love, music, religion, school | Tags: Changing, Christopher, confusion, Emily, Friends, Krissy, life, love, music, Relationships, religion, Travis, Wesley
Well, I haven’t blogged in awhile so I guess I’ll do an update because that the only way for me to get in everything to all those people that DON’T read this… Hehe. I wonder why I keep writing. I only know like three people that read this. Oh well.
Friends: Everything with them is GREAT! I don’t see Wes or Emily too much anymore, but we talk and hang when we can. Now that I think about it, I don’t think Wes, Emily, and I have all hung out together since school let out. Well, that’s something to add to the list of summer stuff. I haven’t talked to Melad in awhile and I think I might text her soon. I have been talking to and hung out with Amanda again. It was good to see her, it’s been some time. Side Note: Clayton got suppperrr hot. He is going to teach me to play the guitar as a trade off and I am going to help him with Algebra.
I hang out with Kris, Gabs, Sarah, Lorenzo and the whole gang whenever I can. Couple days ago we played kick the can and smoked Hookah on the roof of a strip mall. It was pretty amazing. Went to the mall with Krissy and Sarah yesterday. It’s random stuff, but still fun because it’s people I love being around. Ummm… Ron is back from California. He left because he didn’t feel he belonged in Michigan anymore. He was gone for about a month. Then he made his way back.It’s nice having him around again. He has a new job at Valvoline and it’s funnnnyyy.
I have been making some new friends too. I hang out and talk to the people from youth group quite a bit. It’s nice having OTHER friends to talk to sometimes. Just adding to the collection. Jordan is one of the people that I LOVE hanging out with. He is my age, going to be a senior at Groves. He swims and is super involved at school. He is just a chill guy he makes me feel good when I am around him. Another person I talk to and hang with is Stucky. He is a nice guy, going to be sophmore at Groves and to be honest, he is a giant pot head. I deal with it though. I don’t smoke with him so it’s whatever. Karly is the closest girl to me. She is like soo sweet. She is a cheerleader at Lasher and is going to be Senior. I love her :]]
School: IT’S SUMMER BABY!!! NO SCHOOL. ( I still have hella summer homework though :[ )
Work: I honestly LOVE my job. It's not that hard and I love coming to a place where I get along with the people. It's nice to have a payday too :] I get paid above minimum wage, I get paid in cash and I only work about two days a week. We have two cooks, they are both really nice people, but honestly I HAVE to say that working with Tony H is wayyy more fun. He is a sweetheart and kinda cute too ;] Lol. He is just such a nice guy that I’d rather work with him over Little Tony anyday… My boss is Gabby’s dad and he is soooo intense. He is like loud and will speak his mind no matter what. He did me a HUGE favor by giving me a job and I will love him forever :] He kinda a hard ass though. I don’t mind though, I respect him for it.
Boys: I’ve been a little rocky on this path. There have been so many issues and I don’t know where I left off.
Travis - I’ve only talked to him once since school let out. A 17 minute phone call. I miss him a lot I am not going to lie.
Christopher – I am done with that asshole. He broke my heart for the second time and didn’t give a shit. He said he was in love with me and then he didn’t want to be with me. I still loves me as a friend and wants in my pants. I don’t think so. Go find some whore in Arizona to mess with, I’m better than that.
Anthony – I’m not really quite sure what is up with me and him. He texts to see if I wanna hang and stuff, but it doesn’t seem like he really wants to. I don’t know. It’s just too shady for my taste.
Jordan – I really like him but I know I can’t do anything about those feelings due to the fact that he still has a gf and I’ve gone down that road before. It’s not a good one, no one wins, everyone gets hurt. For now he is just a friend and that’s all he is going to be until he is single and interested in me. The part that is so hard is like we have soo much in common and he is so easy to open up and talk to. He makes me feel like such an amazing girl, especially when he tells me so :] Which he has… I don’t know. I want to hang with him more than I do and it’s gonna be boss when we go to State together :]]]]]]]]]]]]]]
God – I have been blessed and now I can see how much HE has done for me. He is reason I am alive and living this amazing life. I know that sometimes I can lead myself into temptation and do things that I shouldn’t, but in the end, God is going to forgive me because he knows I am truely sorry. I used to be so scared that God would walk out on me because I do so much wrong and have given up on him before, but now I know that he never will. He will never give up on me. He sent me on Mission Trip to become enlighted and help people know his love like I do. Little did I know that Mission would have such an impact on me. It brought me so much closer to him and I am grateful beyond words for that. All I can do is pray that my relationship continues to grow and I don’t stray again.
Filed under: AWESOME, Concerts, Family, Friends, Insight, random, religion, school | Tags: Boys, Changing, Friends, Krissy, life, love, random, school, Travis, Wesley
Well, it has been almost a week since my blowup/meltdown on wordpress. I think that I dealt with the suspension just fine, but I also know it’s something that I don’t want to deal with EVER again. One time is enough, Thank you :]
Hmmm… Let’s see whats been going on with me. It’s been awhile since I did a post that it just like an update forum.
Boys: Well, Travis is pretty amazing :] His birthday is on Thursday and I think I am more excited about it than he is. I don’t know why, I just really like birthdays. PLUS, I happen to know that he is really going to LOVE his present <3 I can’t wait to see the look on his face! Other than Travis, the only other boy that is relationship material whatnotstuff is Anthony Jackson. He is such an asshole to me though… He sent me really weird texts this weekend. The thing that is the weirdest is that he was forwarding texts that I had sent him… and there were also some that OTHER people were sending him. Mainly his girlfriend Amber who HATES me, as much as she denies it, I know she does. I don’t know about him anymore though. He says that he likes me, but then won’t hang out with me when I invite him somewhere or takes hours to respond to a text. It just seems like he is a whole lot of drama that isn’t going to get much better if we were to actually date. Plus, I feel it would make it akward for Wesley if he dumped Amber for me. (Amber is on the dance team with Wes and they have already had their own drama.)
School: The school year is coming to an end and I am sooo pumped. I cannot wait to be a senior in high school and have that one foot out the door. Soon enough I will be in college!!!! AHHH!!! I have my two AP tests next week so this week pretty much, is going to suck. Some time this week I have to go to Carol’s house and help her. I have two games. I have to study. I am going to a concert on Friday. OAA Leagues is on Saturday. Mother’s Day is Sunday… this just sucks in general. BUT, after the stress of the AP Exams is gone, I only have four classes to worry about instead of six. I really hope that I do well on the AP Chem test. I want to prove to myself that I can do this. I think that this year really showed me how time SHOULD be spent, instead of how I actually DO spend it. I feel like I am going to fail the AP Chem test, but I know it is going to be my fault too.
Friends: Friends is pretty much the only front that has NO flaws. I love my friends and I couldn’t ask for better ones. Krissy is home for the summer and done with her freshman year in college :] Wes is on the dance team, likes a nice guy, and is going to do AMAZING on her APUSH test on friday :] (GOOD LUCK!!) Everything is pretty much going almost perfect with friends <3
God: I am doing really well and I feel like I am finding something to believe in that just.. feels right. I know that I have had my struggles, but everyone has right? I just know I can make it through. It’s something that I need to deal with IN me and it’s nice to know that I have so many people that care too. My friend Micah has really been trying to help me. He prays for me and he wants me to go to his church with him. I mean, I know that I like it at Northbrook A LOT, but it would be okay to go to someone else’s church ONCE right? Other than that, church is going amazing and I feel like I am finally starting to fit in there. At senior highs on Sunday, it was just me, David, Dani, and William. It was cool that I didn’t have Emily as that buffer and I was fine. I like that I am becoming one in my own there rather than someone that comes with Emily every week :]
Today is April Fools Day… My fun surprise was nature gift :] Fun Fun Fun. Hopefully this isn’t an example of how the rest of april is going to be….
Today is the first tennis game of the season. I wish that I was playing in first doubles… like I should be, but it’s fine I guess for now. I am playing at second with J.Lowe because Julene is really sick of something and can’t leave the house for like a couple days. Is it bad that I am secretly glad that she is sick? I know it’s bad, but I feel like it is a sign that I should be playing higher ranked than I am right now. Yesterday Jasmine and I played Andrea and Emily. We played two sets… First set we won 6-0, second set we lost 3-6. I think this shows that we are pretty damn boss together if I must say so 
AHHH! I can’t wait for this weekend. I want it to be friday now! I want it to be spring break now!
Filed under: Insight, religion | Tags: Changing, confusion, Emotions, feelings, God, religion
Everyday people die for what they believe in. I was talking to my friend Emily yesterday and she mentioned that a certain Flyleaf song was written about Columbine. I looked it up, and sure enough, “Cassie” was written about Cassie Bernall, one of the young girls who was killed at Columbine.
The story behind the song is that Cassie Bernall was asked by one of the shooters if she believed in God and her last words were yes. She died for her faith in God. The actual trueness of these events are questionable and there are many people that say it didn’t happen. The girl she was sitting with in the library said she screamed to God about why was this happening to her, and then the shooter came out of nowhere and surprised her… and shot her.
Anyways, the point of this was not whether or not it happened, but the fact that people can do something like that. It’s something that I am desperately searching for, that blind faith that Cassie Bernall had. She knew that if she said yes, she was going to die and she still stayed true to God. I don’t know if I could honestly do that. I want to be able to, but it’s so hard for me to put all my faith, and ultimately, my life in the hands of something/someone I can’t prove is there and will never be able to. I feel like I need some kind of proof that I’m not going to be punished again… that I’m not going to hurt again before I put all my faith in Him.
Thats what they talked about at youth group on Sunday. They said that we are all children of God and that even when we wonder, God will always be there ready for us to come back. That He never stops loving us regardless of what we think. I was upset that I missed it because it was basically EVERYTHING I am. Emily said that God is going to throw a party for me when I go back to him. This made me think,… people who have faith have good things that come to them. Right? This isn’t really true though. There are some people that have absolutely NO faith and they are as happy as a clam. Others, who make God a staple in their lives, get the shit deal.
It just doesn’t seem fair, if you love God, he should love you and reward you, NOT give you a hard life…
I though yesterday that maybe all of the bads things in my life are a blessing in disguise. Maybe I was given so many challenges because God knew I was strong, he knew I could handle it. I mean, it’s understandable that not everyone can have the picture perfect life, but come on… I have to have THAT MANY things go wrong? Not really. I could have done without the cutting, the abuse, and the lies. I don’t know, I’m just trying to understand all of this and it’s getting harder the more I get into it, but I feel like everyday I am getting closer to that faith I am looking for. It’s going to take A LOT of steps to get there, but one day I will and one day I will know that everything is going to be okay.
Filed under: Insight | Tags: Changing, confusion, fear, feelings, life, questions, random, self, Travis
Yeah, I’m pretty sure that I don’t like living all that much. I feel like it’s hard to get through everyday without wanting to breakdown over the littlest things. I think all those years are therapy is what screwed me up, not fixed me. I am so sick as seeing life as a project and something that I need to work on and improve rather than something I am meant to enjoy. Maybe that’s why I don’t like it… maybe it’s because I’m not living it the way it was meant to be lived. I need to chill out man. I need to breathe. I need to stop it all and take it in.
Everyday it feels like something new goes wrong though. When things go good for once, there is always something missing. Travis is talking to me again, BUT he won’t hold my hand or e-mail me. It’s not the same. I really wish I could go back to the beginning with him and not fuck it up. I was sooo into him that I didn’t realize when I was beginning to drown him. I couldn’t see that he was in over his head because I didn’t want to. I wish I could start over with him, fix it all. Fix the relationships in my life instead of the life itself.
That’s what I should do…. Chill, rethink, relax, repair.
Filed under: Insight, random | Tags: Blame, Changing, confusion, fault, feelings, fixing life, life, questions, random, self
I wonder if there is a way that everything around you can change, but you remain the same. Or is change enivitable? Is it something that is bound to happen because that’s just how life is? Or is there a way to stop it from happening?
You know when you meet a new person? Is there a way that that person can become part of your life without them rubbing off on your somehow? Is your personality and how you based on who you surround yourself with? If so, is everyone around you really no one? Does that mean that no one really is themselves? Am I not Janelle? Am I just a mixture of who my friends are? BUT, they are a mixture of who they are around. God, that means that I’m not who I thought I was AT ALL. Who I am is based on a billion and seven people that I have never met.
Why do I doubt myself so much? How is it that nothing is how I think it is? Why do I ask so many questions? Honestly, I think it is because I am looking for so many answers in life and I feel like I haven’t found any of them yet. I don’t know anything. I feel like I am smart, but when it comes down to the real world, I don’t know a damn thing. This is were I make a pact to learn. To start paying attention to the world around me and take it all in for once. I feel like I try so hard to understand everything, but something blocks it. I know that it’s me. It’s me that is stopping me.
I haven’t blogged about this before. I have written about how unhappy I am and how something inside of me is causing it. That my “mental state” is causing it. I don’t think that anymore though. I am willing to accept my mistakes. I am willing to accept who I am and that sometimes, when things go wrong, it is my fault. It is MY fault. I blame myself a lot, but I never really accept it. I just don’t want someone to blame themselves for something I don’t think is their fault so regardless of it being my fault or not, I take the blame. I need to start taking the blame for what is ACTUALLY my fault.
I just need to start living life instead of playing some side part in my life. How is it that I can say these things sooo many times, but never actually change what is wrong. I have said ALL of this before. I need to stop saying and start doing.
Filed under: Depression, Insight, love | Tags: Billy Joel, Changing, Confidence, Fat, fear, Heart, love, Michael, Rejection, Shallow, Thanksgiving, Travis, Weight, Welsey
Well, today is Thanksgiving and like on most holidays, I am not in the cheeriest mood. I’m not in good moods lately. It’s like something inside of me is holding me back everytime I get that feeling of joy. My mental state doesn’t want to be happy. I just don’t know.
I have also realized that I don’t really see myself in the same light as I used to anymore. I have always been a confident person more or less, but I have noticed that as the days go on, I am becoming less and less sure of myself. I know that it’s stupid to doubt myself because of a guy, but it’s like… if not ONE guy likes me, then there must be something wrong with ME. I can’t keep lying to myself and saying that there isn’t anything wrong with me, that it’s everyone else, but how can it be EVERYone else? I don’t want to be all negative and keep looking for flaws in myself, but I can’t help it.
I have met soo many guys and they all like other girls. I hate to say it, but I think that the only thing that these girls have on me are that they are skinny. I hate to think that people, especially the ones that I like, are really all that shallow. Does weight really mean that much to people? Can they really not see past the size? Am I really that replusive to guys? What did I ever do wrong?
The other thing is that I know I come on strong and I know it scares some people, but it’s like really? EVERYONE?
Maybe it really is just a mental thing though. It’s all in my head… Wesley says that I am awesome and that all these guys are lame and will regret it someday. Let’s see, the guys I have liked:
- Drew – Ended up being a douche and I don’t know why.
- Michael – Doesn’t like me and no reason was given.
- Aaron – Likes Nada.
- Mike – Liked Krissy.
- Christopher – Wanted his ex back, was never all that into me.
- Stephen – Turned gay.
- Jeremy – Loved someone else.
- Trevor – Always had a gf and didn’t see me “like that”.
- Travis – Thinks it’s weird.
- Ron – Was always gay, but had a gf.
- Joe – Likes Jazzmin (I think).
Seems that I have quite a pattern here. Most seem like to like someone else right? Well, maybe it’s not the guys that I choose maybe it’s me. I fall so hard and then let myself fall apart. I did it with Drew and it has taken me so long to get through it. I still have a hard time thinking about him and everything I thought that we had together. It’s the same with Michael. Everyday makes me want to cry because I see him and I talk to him and in the back of my head all I can think is, “See this amazing guy? Yeah… he is amazing and he doesn’t want you. How did you manage to fuck that up?” I have so much love in my heart for him and I can’t help but think that I did something to make him pull away, too make him reject me.
Maybe I just need to change…
(P.S. The title is because Billy Joel is one of Michael’s favorites :-[ )
Filed under: Friends, love | Tags: Changing, Drew, Friends, Happiness, Krissy, love, Michael, Relationships
I am starting to feel like I am missing something in my life. I’m not quite sure what it is, but I have had the feeling for awhile though. The only thing I can think of is that maybe something inside me is changing… not really missing per say. It does kind of seem like everything around me is changing though. I am getting to a point where I just feel different than I always have. I don’t know. I think I am feeling a lot better though. I am started to feel really… good… about life. I think that all that “think positive” crap that Krissy is always talking about might be working :] I feel like I have become a genuinely happy person now.
There are so many things that I could let damper my happiness though, but it is good that I am not letting them. The first and most important thing is that I don’t talk to Krissy anywhere near what I used to, but I am trying to see the positive side of it. I still do talk to her A LOT and she is the one that I always tell the most important things to first. We are still really close and that is all that matters. It nice to know that we can be apart for like two months and still be best friends. She is a highlight of my life and without her the last like three years would have been majorly horride. I love the girl and the distance is not going to kill me.
The second thing that could put a damper on the happiness is Michael. I love the kid and I think that because I have so many feelings for him, he has the ability to hurt me more than anyone. For some reason I don’t think he would though, but I don’t want to say that because that is exactly what i say about every other guy, and then he hurts me. I don’t know. Past relationships : Drew, Drew, Stephen, Drew again, some more Drew, Christopher and thats it. I know that the constant in this scenario is Drew, but i really think that I am over him. I know that I will always love him for the simple fact that he was there for me all those years no matter what. Also, for the fact that he was my first love, but I’m okay now. I read this thing somewhere and it said “sometimes you have to forget what you want and remember what you deserve.” That is kind of how I feel a lot of the time. I know that somewhere inside my heart, I will always want Drew, but I know what I deserve is so much better than him. I deserve Michael.
In the last couple days, with him being gone, he is simply all I can think about. When I listen to a song, he is what I think about. When I see something on televison that makes me smile, I think about him. I think that I am becoming a little obsesses with him… and that isn’t a good thing to me. I refuse to make someone my everything again. He is amazing though. I was worried that when he went to Louisanna, he would forget about me… well, not really forget me, but not think about me while he was gone. I am happy to report that my worries were useless. He sent me an e-mail saying that it was a bummer I wasn’t on because if I was, we could have talked all night. All I could do was smile and then be pissed off that the fucking internet at home is broken. DAMN THAT COMPUTER!!!
Anyway, life is going good. Krissy, I have one thing to say to you though… LLAMA!!!!… with a small penis.
JAM <3s MILK.
:]
