Filed under: AWESOME, Depression, Friends, Insight, love, random | Tags: Amazing, AWESOME, boyfriend, confusion, Drew, Emotions, fear, guys, life, school, Travis
Drew flaked on me. I guess to explain this, I should start from the beginning.
We have been talking the last couple weeks.
He asked for my number. I gave it to him.
He called me last night when I was at work, I called when I got off.
We talked for 3.5 hours until I was falling asleep.
Now it’s all caught up. We had made plans to hang out pretty much all day today. I was gonna spend the night at his house. I was looking forward to having him for the whole weekend :] Last night he told me to call him when I wake up, so thats what I did. We talk real quick and then he says hes going to go take a shower. Then he calls me back a little later and says that there is a major change in plans :[ He says that we can't hang out because he has to go do something with his mom and his other friend. I am really bummed and I know he feels really bad, but what can I do? Nothing. He promised me all next weekend <3 I think that I am going to bring to the football game. I don't know if it's a good idea though...because of Travis. I feel like real soon I am going to have to choose one. I don't want to, but I can't like both. They both can't be my love interest.
Krissy says that this is a sign, us not being able to hang out. I can't lie though and say that part of me doesn't agree, but I can't really explain it. I can't explain in words how good it feels to hear him say "I love you".
I feel like in a lot of ways I compare Drew and Travis and I know it's wrong but I can't help it. It's like they have what the oppisite doesn't. Drew has my heart. Travis has my friendship. Drew has the years of past. Travis has the everyday. Drew has the deep stuff. Travis has the fun stuff. Drew was there in a tough time. Travis is there now. I don't know. I just feel like in the end, Drew is going to win out for my heart. I also think this is because Travis doesn't really seem to want my heart. He keeps trying to hook me up with other people, always girls though. Travis is honestly one of my best friends.
This is hard. I am looking still looking forward to this weekend though :] I am going to the movies with Nada, Nora, Jade, Anthony, and some of his friends. We are going to see Paranormial Activity :] Tomorrow morning I have church and I think I might be working sunday during the day. Then I have youth group on Sunday night.
Oh, about Senior Highs… I feel like I need to try harder to be quiet. A lot of the time, I have a problem with self control. I need to learn when it’s okay to talk and when it’s not. I don’t want Grace to think that I am disrespecting her when I talk a lot.
Future Shows I plan on seeing:
Party Like Summer – Nov 6 in Lansing
NeverShoutNever – December 12 at the Filmore <3
Filed under: Insight, love | Tags: age, boyfriend, Brian, Dating, freshman, Friends, Girlfriend, Juniors, love, Relationships, TravieBoy, Travis, Using
Well, I talked to Travis today. I told him that I like him (which was already obvious) and asked if he liked me. He said yea, that he did. I had to ask if it was the way I liked him just to be sure. He said Yea, BUT…. You’re a junior, like my brother. I am soooo upset right now.
I want to look at the positive side which is that he likes me, but other than that I don’t see one. I have finally found this amazing guy that I really like, that likes me too, but doesn’t want to be with me. I know he said it’s the age thing, but part of me doesn’t believe him. I really think that the reason he doesn’t want to be with me is because he thinks that I still want Michael. I know no one believes me, but I don’t. I don’t want Michael. Being around Travis has made me see that I am chasing after… well, nothing.
I was chasing after Michael, who I thought was the perfect guy, because he was more or less something I couldn’t have. I don’t think it was the whole “I like the chase” thing, but more of like, I built him up to the point were I would never be good enough for him in my eyes, therefore I would never DESERVE him. I have wasted so much time on something that I don’t even think I really want anymore. Sure, he is a great guy and all, but what was I so worked up about? I did t he same thing with Drew. I wasted too much time on something that was neve really worth it all.
Also, his friend Brian is having an issue with this (Me and Travis). He either says that it’s illegal because he is younger than me, I am taking his best friend, I only like Travis because I think he is a “mini-Michael”, or that I am using Travis to get to Michael. All of these statements offend me. 1.) It’s NOT illegal, 2.) I would never try to take Travis from Brian, I don’t mean to and I always try to include Brian when we are all together, 3.) I don’t think that Travis is a “mini-Michael” at all. They are sooo different, and 4.) I would NEVER NEVER use Travis to get to Michael. I am not that desperate and I would never want to hurt him.
I just want to be with him you know? I just want to look at him and smile because I know he is…. well, mine… I want the cheesy shit like the “in a relationship with Travis” on facebook. When people assume we are together, I want them to be right. I want to be is girlfriend more than anything. I am done with all the bullshit games. I am being so serious right now. I just want him to be my guy, the ONLY guy I think about, the ONLY guy I’m with. I want him to be my ONLY one and I want to be his <3. I feel so happy when I am around him. I want to give him everything I have. I’m ready for a real relationship, not these crap ones. I just to make him happy.
I hope it all works out in my favor for once.
Filed under: Insight, love | Tags: boyfriend, confusion, Drew, horrible, i, love, questioning, two
I feel like I have no idea what I want anymore. Everything is so confusing these days. I know that I haven’t written a new post in a while so I will explain the WHOLE thing. I have been back with Drew for a while, about a month and some days. Like 2.5 weeks ago he kind of goes missing. I haden’t talked to him and by the end of week two I was in tears because I thought that something had happened to him and that he was dead in a ditch somewhere. This was the same day as the French play so needless to say I wasn’t to excited to go up on stage and ACT as if everything was okay with me. I went home and then when I went on Myspace on saturday he had sent me a friend request. This was a giant relief. He is alive.
The things that are so confusing:
- Why didn’t he call me to let me know he was okay?
- How did he remember my Myspace URL?
- Why am I number eight on his top friends?
- Why does it say nothing about me on his page?
- Why didn’t he send me a message?
- Why didn’t he answer my comment?
- Why is he leaving me so in the dark if he loves me so much?
My explantations to myself:
- He wasn’t able to get to a phone and even if he could he doesn’t know my phone number by heart (he left his cell at home).
- It’s not that hard, ( www.myspace.com/janelle_is_sexy48085) besides he could have just searched my name… I did it and my Myspace was the only one that came up.
- He didn’t have time and didn’t actually ARRANGE his top friends, that is just the way that it happened.
- He didn’t have time to say anything. I mean his page is pretty minimal, but it does have videos. The thing that he has is “in a relationship” as his status.
- He didn’t think about it. Not everyone would think of that. He didn’t know that I was crazy worried… (It would have made SOOO much sense to though.)
- He went on really fast?…
- This is the only one that I can’t create a reasonable answer for. I mean he sent me a request so he thought about me…. but.
I sent him a message when he didn’t respond to my comment. It said:
“ Where have you been? I have been going crazy for the last two weeks. I called your phone and your mom answered. Thank god she did because if not I would have had no idea that you weren’t home… Did something happen? Is there some reason that you can’t tell me? I love you more than anything and I am not going to push you. I just want to know what’s up. I’d like to talk to you… Why haven’t you called? Believe it or not, today is one month since you came back into my life. I love you and I really hope that I hear from you soon. I’m just glad that I know your okay (I think). I was a mess thinking that something happened to you.
Love Always,
♥Janelle “
He still hasn’t been on Myspace so he hasn’t read it.
I have been doing some searching though. I was on his page and I happened to notice that one of Drew’s friends Devon was online. So I sent him a message asking him if he knew if Drew was okay. Long story short: I end up talking to Devon and when I said that I was Drew’s girlfriend he says something about some OTHER girl named Angi. I then cried for about an hour or so.
This brings me to me “two handed confusion”. On one hand I have so much love and history with Drew. He is one of the major reasons that I am still living. He was there for me when I felt like I had nothing to live for. He was the one that made me want to live again and the last time that blade cut my skin, I didn’t want it to bleed because of him. He has always meant so much to me and everytime he isn’t in my life I seem to go insane. I feel like the world doesn’t make sense and I am just kind of in my life, not really living it. I hate it when I can’t talk to him. I think about him all the time. I think about what to say to him, I write poems about the love I feel for him, I can’t help but want him.
On the other hand though, all the things that I want I can’t have. He doesn’t call. He doesn’t seem like he wants to talk to me all that much. Sometimes I feel like the love that we have for each other is more of a one sided thing. I know that he loves me. I know he does. I just hate that I have to question it. I shouldn’t have to question it. If he loved me as much as he says he does then he would show me. He would make an effort. I feel like I deserve better, but then I think, “What is better than Drew? I love him with my whole heart. I got lucky.” I feel so guilty sometimes because I second guess everything. I love him. That is that right? Then why can’t I get the feeling of pain and longing for something else out of my stomach.
Sometimes (a lot of the time) I hate being myself.
