On the other hand, I want him to like me. I want to hold his hand. I want him to kiss me on the forehead. I want him to look into my eyes lovely… I want all that insanely corny things. 

I don’t know if I’ve ever wanted to simply be held by a guy.. Normally I want to kiss and have sex with them. With him it’s not even a sexual thing. I mean, I did enjoy kissing him and yes, that would be nice, but it’s okay without it. I just wish I had more of his time. His perks are, at times, his flaws. 

• He is hard working, but sometimes I wish he didn’t work so hard. 
• He is determined, but it’s on school.
• He has self control… which leaves no room for spontaneous things. 
• He is polite, but sometimes, it’s too much. 

I want him to like me so much and on some level, I feel like he does because he does spend time with me, but on the same level, he doesn’t really. I feel like it’s so insane of me to feel sad about the fact that there is a guy that wants to study more than spend time with me. I honestly just want like three hours with him to watch a freaking movie together. I want him to have time to go see a play with me. I want him to be able to go to a football game with me. I want him to forget about everything for just one day, hell, not even a whole day.. just a few hours and spend time with me. I feel like I am constantly telling him about me because he asks, but he doesn’t talk about himself. 

Tonight he did though. Tonight he told me about his last girlfriend. They didn’t break up that long ago, they were dating at the beginning of the semester, which was September. That was less than three months ago. He said that he loved her… love doesn’t go away in two months. I’m scared that he is still in love with her and wants to be with her. He said that he didn’t want to be with her, but I don’t believe that. I know how many times I have said that if Drew came crawling back looking for a relationship, that I never would, but I know it’s a lie. If I was dumped by someone and then they wanted to try again, I would give it another shot because clearly I didn’t want the first one to end. He is going to start work in the caf tomorrow, so he can’t come see Audience with me. He has to finish homework before work on Saturday, so he can’t go to the football game with me. I can’t spend Saturday night with him because I’m leaving for my brother’s wedding. 

Why does it just seem like nothing ever works out for me?

I feel like part of me is rushing myself, but sometimes I get scared that if I don’t push things, that they will leave before anything even has a chance. I just want a chance. I don’t know.. He said that he wants to go to Cru’s Winter Formal with me, but I honestly want it to actually be a date and I know it won’t be. How do you ask a guy on a date when he already said that he wasn’t really looking for a relationship. I felt like he thought that he wasn’t against one, but that he wasn’t searching for one.

For once, I just want to be the exception to someone’s plan. I want to be the person that they give in for. I just want to know if he likes me! Thats really all I want. I just want him to like me and me know it. 

Joie just sent me a text asking me I feel like she replaced me… Am I that obvious about how I feel? Or does she just know me that well? To be honest, it probably both. I haven’t been the most shy in admitting that I feel left out. I also haven’t been a very good friend in general. I should be happy that Joie has so many new friends, and that they are really good people, and I am. I just didn’t think that becoming friends with her would mean forgetting about me. I mean, I don’t blame them in a way for doing it. I don’t think that they meant to. I don’t think that they would do that.  She is amazing and I can see why clearly they would want to be good friends with her. I see the same thing and it’s one of the reasons I enjoy being around her so much.  Plus, I know that I haven’t been the best friend this year. I don’t have all that much free time anymore and when I do, I spend it sleeping in my room, or just trying to relax. I do that in my room. I guess that I’m used to being in my room, last year everyone was in my room. Now, no one ever comes up here.

Inside of me, I want them to make the effort to see me. I want them to put in an effort in being my friend. I want them to give a fuck… but they don’t. The only person who hasn’t really done this is Sabreen. She still texts me to see if I want food or to hang out.

To be honest, I have no idea what the fuck I expect. I just want us to be close again and to not feel like I’m hanging onto half my friendships by the tips of my fingers.

I expect too much from people.

All those times she joked about how I call everyone my “best friend” I shouldn’t have laughed. She is my best friend and I’d like to keep it that way.

I think that because of this, I have been doing a lot of thinking. I know that sometimes, I am a a jealous friend and I get possessive when I know that I have no right to. She is in my life by her choice and I don’t ever want her to feel like she is being forced. A friendship isn’t much of a friendship if one end doesn’t want it. I know that I am overreading into this, but I’m preparing myself for some of the options. One part of me wants to be like, everything will be fine. Janelle, give her a few days to calm down and then when she isn’t so angry, you will explain to her that it was a misunderstanding, everything will be fine. The other part of me is going crazy because I can’t do this again. I can’t lose another friend like this, not her. I can’t fight for a friendship again, but I know that if I have to, I will. She means more to me than this. We haven’t said more than 5 words to other in the last 30 hours, this is the longest fight that we have ever had. I think that this is why I am so scared. She is the type of person who doesn’t get mad easy and if she does, it doesn’t last long… She literally gets over things in like 10 minutes.

I wish she would just talk to me…but I will wait until she is ready.

Last night, she told me that she didn’t want to live with me next year and honestly, it stung. I was upset, but not enough that it lasted longer than ten minutes. Last night I was in a funk. I went and saw the play Bare for the second time. It was easier to see the second time around, but still hard. I still cried. The panel talk afterwards was about Homosexuality and Religion. Common knowledge would tell someone that I would want to stay for that. I am both a proud Christian and a bisexual woman, a lot of people don’t think that they mix well, but I would say that they are wrong. My love is beyond the reach of my reproductive organs. My love is beyond the ignorance of so many people, but my God understands me. He understands me because he gave me the feelings that I have.

The last 24 hours have been so emotionally draining that I can’t wait for church tomorrow where I can raise my arms in worship to the one thing in my life that is simple. My Father will always love me and never leave me. That is the only thing in life that I can be certain of anymore.

SENIOR YEAR 2009-2010

1. Go to as many sporting events as possible.
2. Have a kick ass final homecoming.
3. Work on GSA!
4. Join some new clubs.
5. Mantain atleast a 3.7 :]
6. Get Senior Jersey : ” Disposable Teen” hehe
7. Join NHS.
8. Land a leading role in Fall Play.
9. Be on singles for tennis.
10. Be tennis captain for SECOND year <3.
11. Be happy.
12. Apply to all colleges early.
13. Find a boy.
14. Spend as much time as possible with Wes, Em, and Mel.
15. Visit Kris more often.
16. Have a role in the Spring Musical.
17. Be ACTUAL member of youth group.
18. Learn to play guitar.
19. Go to Yale for Spring Break with Wes :]
20. GET A JOB!
21. Save money for Europe
22. Have a bitchin time at Prom.
23. Look AMAZING at Graduation.
24. Grow hair out.
25. Get a car?
26. Get second tattoo.
27. Do all the “senior” things…

15 out of 27… thats a little over half and I don’t know who I feel about that. A little dissapointed, but I still had an awesome Senior year, except for a few road blocks…

I mean, when I think about it seriously, the people I am attracted to look nothing alike, but they are all attractive in their own ways. Emily, she is so beautiful with her blond hair and blue eyes. Maggie, she has short hair and green eyes, but takes my breath away everytime. Elena has long hair and kinda looks like a bum to be honest, but I can’t stop thinking about her. Then there comes the fact that they are different genders… Clearly a woman and a man are two seperate things. When it comes to men, I’m still all over the place. Evan is a dirty hipster. Sam is clean cut with glasses. Bobby is black and ripped, he also has a smile that makes me want to melt. Then when it comes to personalities, they still differ so much.

Emily is fun and outgoing.

Maggie is serious and driven.

Elena is a mystery, but open.

Evan is kind of  a jerk.

Sam is quiet, but soo funny.

Bobby is so sexy with everything, but has so much more to him.

I don’t know, they are all so different, but I guess in the end, they all have qualities that I really like.  They are all funny and have a caring heart  (except maybe Evan.)

Then we have convience. Do we like people because it happens to be the right time? Because they happen to like us back? Sometimes it’s easier to develop feelings for someone who likes us back rather than try for someone who isn’t interested. I can’t tell you how many times I have said that someone is nice, I don’t really like them, but they like me so I will give it a shot. Maybe it’s just me being desperate though. It’s possible though. The people I like though, it’s never convient.

Emily – had just come out and I didn’t speak up. By the time I wanted her and was ready to tell her, she had fallen in love and was in a committed relationship. Now, she still doesn’t want me, even though she and her girlfriend have broken up. Inconvient. 

Maggie – is scared of commitment. She wasn’t ready and still isn’t. She is still a lesbian, but was dating a man this summer, instead of me. There was nothing convient about me and Maggie, it was a giant fucking mess. Inconvient.

Elena – She has no clue how much I am interested and how much I think I might like her, but the fact that I will probably not man up and tell her, makes me stupid. Inconvient.

Evan – Now has a girlfriend who is the sweetest person in the world and pretty much had one right before her when I met him. Inconvient.

Sam – He is the only one who kinda makes sense. He lives on the floor below and he around a lot. When we are back home, he is still close, but it’s complicated. We don’t talk as much as we used to and I honestly miss him. Inconvient.

Bobby – I met him once I came back to school, he is from home. I have been told that he is moving to Georgia, but he hasn’t told me yet. We only talk on Facebook chat and texting. I wish that this could move past technology, or that we could atleast move up to something like phonecalls or skype. Inconvient.

After writing this, I think I just rush. I need to slow down and stop confusing my own emotions.

One day you meet them and you aren’t quite sure how life was before that single day. You will spend so many hours talking and getting to know her. You will spend countless hours texting her, slowly growing to care more. You will do all the cute shit, like visiting her at work, or bringing her lunch because she’s hungry. You will start to stumble over your words because sometimes, you just get lost in her eyes and the words slip away from you. You don’t even know whats happening then, but it’s something so wonderful. You will become best friends and she will mean the world to you.

One night you will become more than that. Everything will seem perfect and she will kiss you softly and touch your body. She will give you her first and you will be gentle with her. You will try to make it so amazing for her, but you will always be unsure about it. You will taste her on your lips and remember that she truly so sweet. The next day, you will wake up with her in your bed and wish that it could happen every morning. It won’t though. It won’t happen ever again, no matter how long you spend wishing she would come back and give you another chance.

You fall in love, you make so many memories and as fast as it happened, they are gone. They have moved on to someone else, someone better. You are left standing there trying to figure out where you went wrong and why this is happening to you… Why did she leave? What did I do wrong? What does she have that I don’t? Why am I not good enough? You will never find the answers because she won’t talk to you anymore. You will spend years hung up on her and she will do her best to ignore you. When she has to, she will acknowledge that you did something nice, but in the end, she will forget your birthday and ignore every single text message you send her. You won’t give up though… You will continue to send that “heyy” text every single day, hoping that today will be the day that she replies. You will spend nights crying and make drunken phone calls, trying to answer those questions, but she will giggle and tell you that you are sweet and that you mean so much to her. In the end, you won’t believe her though. You told her how much you loved her..and she laughed. You will then spend that night crying yourself to sleep because more than anything you want to hear her say, “I am in love with you too.” She never will though because you will never be good enough.

You will never be the one that made her fall. You were there to catch her though when she was pushed down. You were there when she cried and when she needed someone. You were the one that introduced her to the love of her life. You shoved her away and you didn’t even know it. You thought you were being a good friend and that they would never turn into anything, but then they did and you supported her because you wanted her to be happy. You wanted them to work at first, but then it wasn’t good anymore and you wished more than anything that she would notice you. You would spend so many hours trying to help them fix their relationship when you really wished that it would be over and that she would finally be with you, the one who could make all her problems go away. You will write countless poems about how beautiful she is and how much she means to you, but in the end, it will all be summed up into a letter about how much she cares about you and how you were there for her. She will write she doesn’t know what she would do without you, but she will give you up in a millisecond. You will spend more days thinking about her and more nights crying over her because you’ve finally come to terms that she will never want you…

Finally, you will spend one morning looking through your blog and come across a picture of her and want to cry because you know how much you still love her. You know that no matter what, you will love her. You are trying so hard to not be in love with her anymore, but you know it’s breaking your heart every single day. You will sit at work and cry because you don’t know what to do anymore.

One day you will feel completely hopeless. That day will be today.

I am putting those bottles in my fridge above Him.

I am putting that cute boy downstairs above Him.

I am putting my selfish wants above Him.

I am going through the motions of being the good little church girl that deep down I am. I go to church every Sunday. I study the Bible and I talk about His grace whenever I can, but it’s only motions. I am still that girl that drinks and smokes. I am still that girl that would pass up anything for the attention of a guy or girl. I am still that girl that is looking for meaning in so many other things, everything except what can truly give me life.

Awhile ago, I thought that I had it all figured out. I thought that I knew who I was and what I was going to do with life. I thought that I was finally who I thought I was meant to be and it lasted, for awhile, but somehow I’ve managed to lose myself again. I have managed to get lost in the parties and the drinking and the image that I’ve had for the so long. I feel so lost all the time now and I don’t know which way to turn. I am starting to get so overwhelmed by everything and I have no clue why. Everything has been kind of hazy and not quite clear, more like I need glasses.

Last night, I wasn’t lost though. I was exactly where He wanted me to be <3

The weird part is that I am really happy for them and I don’t want them to break up AT ALL. I don’t want them to ever be apart and I think that they are insanely adorable together

Ugh. FML.