Love. Peace. Happiness. Equality. These are all things that people say they want in life, but what do we do to really acheive them? Everyday I feel like I am becoming more and more angry and hateful. I want to yell all the time and get the urge to hit people a lot. I feel like I am becoming everything I’ve never wanted to be. I am a whore. I am a liar. I am a phony. I am a cheater. I am hateful. I am depressed. I am judgemental.

I just wanna go back. I just need to go back. I have so many mistakes and I wish I could go back and change them. I know I have always said life with my regrets because from the mistakes comes lessons, but I’m learning anymore. Maybe thats my fault though.. If I am going to continue to make stupid mistakes, I am going to need to continue learning from them.

Feel Like I’m Fixing To Die.

I feel like today is a day of reflection on what really matters in life. Today, I went to church and it really opened my eyes. Since it is the advent season, there are themes (kinda) everyweek. I feel like this last year I have grown so much. I have changed emotionally, physically, and mentally. I have become a little more independent and emotionally stable. I am not as dependent on certain relationships anymore. There are still some I know I would crumble without (Kris and Wes) but I am not as dependent on GUYS as much as I used to. I know that from reading my blogs this last year, you would think that I have become MORE dependent on guys but I really haven’t. There is way in hell a year ago I could have ignored Drew’s phone call or told him I wasn’t going to come over. I feel like I have just opened my eyes to a lot of things I was blinded to. I have allowed myself to be used for so long that I have damaged myself. I don’t need that anymore. As much as I hate to say it, I can finally say that I know Drew has been using me and I’m not going to let it happen anymore.

Another thing I have learned in the last year is that I don’t always have to say yes to everyone and everything. It used to be almost impossible to say no to people, no matter how much I really wanted to. Now I have gotten to a point in my life where when I don’t want to do something, I say no. I refuse to do things just because other people want me to from now on.

Another thing I happened to notice lately, is going back to my facebook profile pictures. I feel like I have changed how I look a lot as well. I started this year with black hair, a rhinestone tongue ring, and almost everything I owned was plaid. Now don’t get my wrong, I still love my plaid, but I’m not really the same person anymore. I have started to care less what people think and more what I like. I wear less make-up. I have more of a bohemian style and to be honest, I don’t really brush my hair that often. I feel like doing less has made me MORE beautiful in some way. I don’t know quite how to explain it, but not that I am not covering up who I am by my clothes and make-up, it’s easier to see me. Now a days I wear chill clothes. I wear a lot of cardigans. At the moment I am wearing a beatles t-shirt, skinny jeans, and a gray cardi….

I’ll finish this thought later I suppose.

A.B.C.

Ever get that warm feeling inside when you know that you are loved? I just got that feeling from reading Krissy’s response to my post “Running to the Edge of the World”. She is one of the most important people in my life and I can’t image life without her. She knows whats best for me and can always help me make the right choice, even when not telling me her opinions or being here.

I love you Krissy.

You are my sister.

Let it Be Love.

Sometimes I feel like things change so quickly that I am wasting so much time. I feel like I am always thinking about one thing is going to react to seven other things. I wish that I could do whats good for me now, but I know that in the end, it’s better to think about the future. I just don’t want to be one of those people that never worried about the future and then got fucked over. I don’t want to be one of those people that wastes the present worrying about the future and missing out on everything. I don’t know. I feel like I want to change a lot of things too and never do. I just say it a lot.

Sigh, I kinda also think that I don’t wanna try so hard sometimes. I feel like everything is going well with Dave, I just want things to go faster and I know I have to be patient, but it’s hard. I just don’t want to be the girl thats always trying and trying and trying and trying and get fucked over in the end.

James was right in a sense. You either play the game or you get played by the game. To be honest, I am sick of getting played.

I Love College.

1. I asked Dave out and he said yes.
2. I am sick of my mom’s nagging about college.
3. I am sick of going to school.
4. I want Hype night to be over.
5. I need to do homework.
6. I wanna dance in the rain right now.

I hate school.

If it was a person, I would shoot it in the face.

Hurricane Streets.

Love.

It’s what we life our entire lives for. Everyone is either trying to find it, keep it alive, or heal from losing it. Think about it, it’s the one thing that every person wants. I am no different. I want love more than anything. I want someone to love me and I want that cheesy fairytale love. I want to look someone in the eye and get that feeling that tells you they’re the one. I want that boy who thinks I am beautiful even when I’m in sweats and a t-shirt. I just want someone to love me like I am willing to love them.

I’ve been in love before and I never get that fairytale. I am 17 and never once have I looked him in the eyes and knew it was right. When he tells me he loves me, it feels forced. I don’t know what to do anymore. I wish I could live in a movie where the teenage love beats the odds.

Last night I was on the phone with Christopher and he was talking about marrying me. Normally, that’s something that would scare the shit out of a 17 year old girl, but it was nice. He said that one day, he does want to marry me. It’s nice to think that he loves me enough to want to spend the rest of his life with me. It’s nice that anyone does. Then that nice little dream is shattered when I remember that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me, like he’d ever actually marry me. I have so many things I want to do with my life and sometimes I feel like I can’t do all of them with him. He wants me to be who he wants me to be. He’s going to be a strict father. I want to be my kid’s best friend.

I don’t know. This isn’t something I need to stress out about right now. Life. College. Career. THEN Marriage, with or without Christopher.

You know how sometimes you just have that flash before you knowing you fucked up and didn’t even know you did…? I just had one of those. I feel like I am hurting a lot of people and the sad part is, I don’t even know I’m doing it.

King.

I pretty much want to die right now.

Drew just told me that he is in love with some girl named Angie.

I can’t believe this is happening again.

I thought it would be different this time.

He said, “You have to realize that you can’t have me forever.” It burns because I know he is right…

Penny Lane.

Sometimes people make me wonder… I don’t know what to do most of the time. I think I need to just chill out and not stress about the small stuff as much. I mean, if someone doesn’t text me back maybe they are just busy, not mad at me. Breathe.

In.

Out.

In.

Out.

One.

Two..

Three…