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Well world, surprise, surprise… I like a boy. This time, I am mad at myself though. I don’t need someone. I don’t need someone to love. Why do I want to though. I’m not going to fall again. I don’t want to think about him. I don’t want to have feelings for him. I don’t want to spend time wondering about him. I want to feel okay just being me. 

On the other hand, I want him to like me. I want to hold his hand. I want him to kiss me on the forehead. I want him to look into my eyes lovely… I want all that insanely corny things. 

I don’t know if I’ve ever wanted to simply be held by a guy.. Normally I want to kiss and have sex with them. With him it’s not even a sexual thing. I mean, I did enjoy kissing him and yes, that would be nice, but it’s okay without it. I just wish I had more of his time. His perks are, at times, his flaws. 

• He is hard working, but sometimes I wish he didn’t work so hard. 
• He is determined, but it’s on school.
• He has self control… which leaves no room for spontaneous things. 
• He is polite, but sometimes, it’s too much. 

I want him to like me so much and on some level, I feel like he does because he does spend time with me, but on the same level, he doesn’t really. I feel like it’s so insane of me to feel sad about the fact that there is a guy that wants to study more than spend time with me. I honestly just want like three hours with him to watch a freaking movie together. I want him to have time to go see a play with me. I want him to be able to go to a football game with me. I want him to forget about everything for just one day, hell, not even a whole day.. just a few hours and spend time with me. I feel like I am constantly telling him about me because he asks, but he doesn’t talk about himself. 

Tonight he did though. Tonight he told me about his last girlfriend. They didn’t break up that long ago, they were dating at the beginning of the semester, which was September. That was less than three months ago. He said that he loved her… love doesn’t go away in two months. I’m scared that he is still in love with her and wants to be with her. He said that he didn’t want to be with her, but I don’t believe that. I know how many times I have said that if Drew came crawling back looking for a relationship, that I never would, but I know it’s a lie. If I was dumped by someone and then they wanted to try again, I would give it another shot because clearly I didn’t want the first one to end. He is going to start work in the caf tomorrow, so he can’t come see Audience with me. He has to finish homework before work on Saturday, so he can’t go to the football game with me. I can’t spend Saturday night with him because I’m leaving for my brother’s wedding. 

Why does it just seem like nothing ever works out for me?

I feel like part of me is rushing myself, but sometimes I get scared that if I don’t push things, that they will leave before anything even has a chance. I just want a chance. I don’t know.. He said that he wants to go to Cru’s Winter Formal with me, but I honestly want it to actually be a date and I know it won’t be. How do you ask a guy on a date when he already said that he wasn’t really looking for a relationship. I felt like he thought that he wasn’t against one, but that he wasn’t searching for one.

For once, I just want to be the exception to someone’s plan. I want to be the person that they give in for. I just want to know if he likes me! Thats really all I want. I just want him to like me and me know it. 

 

 

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