Awake My Soul.

Sometimes in life we walk down paths we never thought we would even see. Fighting to keep friends isn’t one I thought I would see. Feeling alone isn’t one. I know that being irrational is something I do all to well, but there is something about these feelings that I can’t seem to shake. For the last few weeks, I can had this pit in my stomach. I’ve felt like my life is slowing falling apart and I can see it, but not well enough to stop it. Also, since I do tend to overreact, often – more than not – I chalk it up to me being paranoid and overly sensitive to how people act.

Joie just sent me a text asking me I feel like she replaced me… Am I that obvious about how I feel? Or does she just know me that well? To be honest, it probably both. I haven’t been the most shy in admitting that I feel left out. I also haven’t been a very good friend in general. I should be happy that Joie has so many new friends, and that they are really good people, and I am. I just didn’t think that becoming friends with her would mean forgetting about me. I mean, I don’t blame them in a way for doing it. I don’t think that they meant to. I don’t think that they would do that.  She is amazing and I can see why clearly they would want to be good friends with her. I see the same thing and it’s one of the reasons I enjoy being around her so much.  Plus, I know that I haven’t been the best friend this year. I don’t have all that much free time anymore and when I do, I spend it sleeping in my room, or just trying to relax. I do that in my room. I guess that I’m used to being in my room, last year everyone was in my room. Now, no one ever comes up here.

Inside of me, I want them to make the effort to see me. I want them to put in an effort in being my friend. I want them to give a fuck… but they don’t. The only person who hasn’t really done this is Sabreen. She still texts me to see if I want food or to hang out.

To be honest, I have no idea what the fuck I expect. I just want us to be close again and to not feel like I’m hanging onto half my friendships by the tips of my fingers.

I expect too much from people.

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