And I Love You.

Last night was amazing. I was at Real Life and this time I didn’t have to leave early. I didn’t care what people thought of me and I was completely vulnerable. Last night I raised my arms so high to worship the man that gave me life and that loves me so much. Last night I was brought to tears thinking of how much He loves me and how much He has done for me. In a room of over 200 people, I stood, crying, singing as loud as I could, arms up because something came over me. I was so overtaken by the thought of how much He loves me, knowing that He died for me. Today I get this feeling where all I want to do is worship Him, all day, everyday. I want to give Him my everything, but I know something is stopping me. I know that I am holding me back. I am putting so many things in the way of Him and I don’t know why.

I am putting those bottles in my fridge above Him.

I am putting that cute boy downstairs above Him.

I am putting my selfish wants above Him.

I am going through the motions of being the good little church girl that deep down I am. I go to church every Sunday. I study the Bible and I talk about His grace whenever I can, but it’s only motions. I am still that girl that drinks and smokes. I am still that girl that would pass up anything for the attention of a guy or girl. I am still that girl that is looking for meaning in so many other things, everything except what can truly give me life.

Awhile ago, I thought that I had it all figured out. I thought that I knew who I was and what I was going to do with life. I thought that I was finally who I thought I was meant to be and it lasted, for awhile, but somehow I’ve managed to lose myself again. I have managed to get lost in the parties and the drinking and the image that I’ve had for the so long. I feel so lost all the time now and I don’t know which way to turn. I am starting to get so overwhelmed by everything and I have no clue why. Everything has been kind of hazy and not quite clear, more like I need glasses.

Last night, I wasn’t lost though. I was exactly where He wanted me to be <3

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