Filed under: AWESOME, Family, love, religion | Tags: Amazing, Family, feelings, Food, God, happy, life
Happy Turkey Day everyone :]]
Today is the day to eat until you pass out because you can’t fight the itis anymore. Today is the day to spend with the people you love and cherish. Today is a day to be thankful for everything and everyone good in your life. Today is the day to thank God for being alive and being love. Today is a day I hope everyone loves and enjoys.
What are the things I am thankful for today? Hmmm.
I am thankful that I have amazing friends in my live that love me more than I could ever imagine. I am thankful that I have a BEST FRIEND that is the peanut butter to my jelly and gets me forever and always. I am thankful that I have a family to love me, even when I don’t love them very much. I am thankful that I have a God that loves me in so many ways, especially when I’ve seemed to have lost my way. I am thankful that I am smart and that God has blessed me with the skills to make my own way in life. I am thakful that I am breathing and living and enjoying everyday of my life. I am thankful that I have a house to live in and have money (not a lot but some) to buy nice things. I am just plain thankful to be me and be alive. Thank you God <3
What are you thankful for today?
Filed under: Insight
Ida Scott Taylor once wrote: “Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering.”
I feel like this is something I need to start living by… I need to start making my present worth remembering. I need to stop worrying about both the past and the future. I need to breathe is be in the here and now all the time.
Filed under: Uncategorized
You know how sometimes you just have that flash before you knowing you fucked up and didn’t even know you did…? I just had one of those. I feel like I am hurting a lot of people and the sad part is, I don’t even know I’m doing it.
Filed under: school
I got into the University of Michigan-Dearborn today. I went in for an interview in the addmissions office and I basically gave them my transcript, a copy of my social security card, and sat down in the office and waited for someone to call me. I sat down in the ladies office and she was like Congrats, you have been accepted to the University of Michigan Dearborn. She handed me papers, I said things I should have kept my myself (basically told her I’m not going there) and that was it. I was there for like 15 minutes, and 13 were in the waiting room. It’s nice to have my first college acceptance though :]]] Now all I have to do is wait for MSU to accept me so that I can transfer my scholarship and work everything out in Lansing. The only part thats hard is that at UofMD, it’s basically free because they said because of my GPA, I get some other $8,000 scholarship. I don’t know. I need to work all this out and get my future together man.
Today is the nine year anniversary of my father passing and I want to cry so bad. Tonight is also my National Honor Society. It’s crazy to think that it’s been so long ago and if he was alive, he would be there tonight. I wish more than anything that he could be there tonight. I know that everyone is so happy for me and everyone is proud of me for being so strong, but it’s days like this where I don’t want to be strong. I don’t want to keep going. I want to cry all day because my father is dead. I want to crumble up and deal with this. I want to have him, for him to hold me in his arms like he use to and tell me he is proud of me and that I am doing something right. I feel like in a way, I am lost without him. I wish he was here to tell me what to do. I have so many problems in my life and all I want is him to tell me that I will get through this. I want him to be here to help me with college choices. I want him to be here dammit. I want my Daddy and it’s all I’ve wanted for the last eight years.
RIP
R. Bruce Moulding
11.12.51 – 11.19.00
I love you daddy and you are still the most important person in my life. Thank you for watching over me and helping me get so far. Thank you for helping me become who I am. I miss you. I love you. You are my everything. There isn’t a day that passes that I don’t think about you and I know there never will be in the future. I know that you are always watching me and that you are so proud of me and everything that I have done, it was all of you. I’ll always be your BabyGirl.
Filed under: Depression, Insight, love | Tags: Changing, Depression, Drew, fear, Relationships, Sad, self, tears
Wow. These last couple days has been a roller coaster ride. I don’t know how I feel anymore. On monday Drew told me that we would never be together, that he is in love with someone else. Honestly, I was crushed and I still am, but it’s like part of me feels kind of releaved. Like I said, the thing that got me the worst was when he told me that I would have to get over the fact that I wouldn’t have him forever, that I COULDNT have him forever. I feel like in some way, this is a good thing to hear. I feel like this is finally the closure that I have been looking for. It’s taken me so long to let him go and now I feel like he is kind of letting me let him go. He is saying that it’s okay.
I feel like this is almost the way of life telling me that I can have more after him. It’s saying that maybe he isn’t right for me. My whole life, I have been so scared of losing people that I don’t let people go…at all. I HATE when people leave so I simply can’t think of me leaving someone. I think the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do was break up with someone when I knew he was in love with me. I can’t stand the thought of breaking someones heart. When I talked to Drew it always seemed like I was so in love with him and he was in love with me, but maybe now that I look at it, I was in love with him and he loved me, but wasn’t IN love. It hurt so bad when he said that he loved her simply because she is like 15 and he has known her for a year. How could he love her and not me….? He said he cares though and part of me def believes him…
I just feel like I am moving into another stage in my life where I can finally move onto something new. I mean, he is missing out because he is never going to find someone who will love him like I do. He will never find someone who is going to put up with the stuff that I put up with. I am amazing and he is missing out. I am amazing.
I feel like this is coming at a good time too. This means I can take senior year and work on me and really enjoy this. I now vow to love me before I fall in love with another boy. On monday I felt like I wanted to die and I swore to myself years ago that I was never going to think like that again. I’m not going to break promises to myself anymore. This is a new chapter for me. A good chapter.
Filed under: Uncategorized
I pretty much want to die right now.
Drew just told me that he is in love with some girl named Angie.
I can’t believe this is happening again.
I thought it would be different this time.
He said, “You have to realize that you can’t have me forever.” It burns because I know he is right…
Filed under: Uncategorized
Sometimes people make me wonder… I don’t know what to do most of the time. I think I need to just chill out and not stress about the small stuff as much. I mean, if someone doesn’t text me back maybe they are just busy, not mad at me. Breathe.
In.
Out.
In.
Out.
One.
Two..
Three…
Filed under: AWESOME, Concerts, Friends, Insight, love, music | Tags: Amazing, AWESOME, Drew, feelings, guys, happy, life, music
Well, last night was pretty awesome. Party Like Summer had an amazing set (even though I’m a little biased). I was in the front, although it’s not like there were all that many people there to stop me fro being up front. I was a chicken in the beginning and Bradlee walked past me about a billion times, but I was scared so I didn’t say anything. Then after his set I went outside and he was there so we hung out for a little bit and talked. He is a really cool guy and I’m glad that I met him or even texted him in the first place. Thanks Christofer Drew <3 I got tons of hugs and a kiss on the cheek and he told me to call him, which I will.
The only thing that stresses me out about with him is that it’s hard to have actual conversation with him sometimes. I’m not used to having to wait forever for someone to text me back and I don’t mean to be impatient, but it bothers me when he’s like “Im a busy beee” when I know for a fact that he is sitting in a van doing nothing..Lol. Oh well, I don’t need to stress. He is simply a friend.
On an even better note, today was awesome too. I hung out at the house until like one and then went to Drew’s house. We walked around Berkley while he tried to find a job. No luck though. It was nice hanging out with him though. Favorite moment all day : We were sitting on the couch watching tv, my head is on his shoulder, he moves his head down and kisses me. Then after one I turned my head because I thought it was only one and he turns to me and says “I wasn’t done.” and kisses me again. It still makes me smile. It’s just nice to know that the boy I love likes kissing me :]]]
This weekend was amazing.
Oh, I don’t know if I posted, but Groves’ production of Guys and Dolls was AMAZING! I WISH that SL could have shows like that. The Fall Play is this weekend and I hope for the love of Jesus, that it goes well. BREAK A LEG!
Filed under: AWESOME, Alcohol, Concerts, Friends, Insight, music | Tags: Alcohol, AWESOME, Bradlee, feelings, Friends, music, random, songs, Travis
Tonight is supposed to be the night. Tonight is the night I am going to Lansing to see Bradlee. I texted him this morning though and now I am more confused than ever. Nevermind. He just texted me back…. He makes me feel smile and gives me butterflies. I feel like this is some kind of dream though because I mean, what music loving girl doesn’t wanna get with the lead singer of a band? I’m pretty sure every girl does. It’s hot. He told me to come find him before the show, well as soon as I get there. I am so excited to see him in action. He is such a sweetheart and the music is amazing too. I am listening to the song “All We Know” right now it makes my stomach turn, but in a good way. I hope that even if things don’t work out like they do in my head, they still work out well. The whole night is seeming to fall together. I am leaving around like 4 and the show starts at 5:30. Then after the show, well what happens happens and I am crashing at Sarah’s for the night. My mom thinks that Sarah is coming with me. I am a little worried to go alone, but I mean, it’s a bar in Lansing with undiscovered bands playing, what could happen. The only thing I am stressing is that he has only seen me in pictures and when he sees me in person he won’t like what he sees. I am a fat slob in person and I have learned how to angle pics to make me look super good. I don’t know. I need to calm down and not stress out. Thats not what I need right now.
Oh, I’m also a little worried about how Tuesday is going to go. It will be when I go back to school and see Travis. I got a little drunk on Friday and texted him some kinda forward things. I mean, with him, I always wanna give him another shot because he is so important to me and my everyday life. I just don’t want to freak him out like I have a habit of doing with guys… A LOT.
Whatever. I don’t wanna talk about that anymore. I already kind of regret saying that stuff to him. When I think about it I kind of sound like a whore, which I know I’m not, I just have a lot of whore tendencies. It’s just when I see Travis, I think about how he hasn’t done ANYTHING more than holding hands and a simple kiss on the lips and how I know he wants to do more so bad, but doesn’t feel comfortable with a girl enough to do anything. I mean if anyone, he should be comfortable with me right? He trusts me and I am like his best friend. I don’t know. I just don’t want someone to take advantage of him or for him to have a bad first experience with some horrible girl. I want him to have it with me. Honestly, that sounds horrible. It sounds like I am some Dazed and Confused actor trying to deflower the young girls. “Thats one thing I love about high school girls. I keep getting older and they stay the same age.” 
DDD Tsk Tsk Janelle :p
