Filed under: Uncategorized
I’m at MSU finally :]
It’s Halloween.
I am ready to get drunk and party.
Drew hasn’t called since he got home.
He’s prob ignoring me.
I don’t care. Whatever.
I am with some of my best friends and I am going to have an amazing time.
I am being a Lion for Halloween. RAWRRRRR.
I’m going to the Cider Mill tomorrow :]
I love Sarah :]
(follow me on twitter if you are reading this @xojanelleybean)
People are pissing me off right now. No one is listening to me. I am at set crew and people don’t listen. They don’t do what they are supposed to do and to top it of, they are loud as FUCK.
I am soo close to being done with this shit. If this wasn’t such a huge part of my life and I didn’t love it so much, I would have been done sooo long ago.
I love Clyde right now :] He is my savior. When no one wants to listen to me he comes in and kicks ass. I don’t know what I would do without him most of the time. He is the left to my right <3333
This boy Robert is reading what I am typing right now and he didn’t know that “<3″ was a heart… He’s kinda stupid, but he is a nice kid so I keep him around.
This weekend was okay. I’ll call or text you Kris.
Peace&Love
Filed under: Friends, Insight, love | Tags: confusion, Drew, Emotions, Friends, guys, happy, Krissy, life, love, Relationships
What do you do when you thought that everything was going amazing and that something seems to throw in a wrench? I feel like this is whats happening. I love Drew. I really do, but sometimes I feel like I am the only one feeling it. I don’t understand why it’s so hard for him to just commit to me. To tell people that I am his “girlfriend”. I don’t even know what to say about him anymore. I can’t really call him my “boyfriend” but he’s not…nothing… I just don’t even know what to say anymore. I can’t give up. I can’t let go. I try to be okay with everything that he puts me through. He doesn’t hurt me on purpose… This is hard.
I hope I see him today.
Travis hugged me yesterday. He was leaning on the lockers and I came and leaned on him and he put his arms around me. It made me happy, but I feel it’s a little too little a little too late.
I love Kris and seeing her this week and spending time with her was amazing. I am soo gladd that she is happy. Pilot is a good guy and he makes her so happy. I am this lasts forever :] I never thought that I would be jealous of my best friend’s LONG DISTANCE relationship though…
Filed under: Depression, love | Tags: Drew, Emotions, fear, life, love, tears
I ended up seeing him yesterday. I had fun in someways… but his best friend, James, is the bestest asshole ever.
I left in tears.
We had sex.
James texted me and told me Drew said “hit it and quit it”
I don’t feel like breathing, being alive.
I am hoping that this is all bullshit and James is an asshole.
I don’t see him again until next weekend.
Filed under: AWESOME, Depression, Friends, Insight, love, random | Tags: Amazing, AWESOME, boyfriend, confusion, Drew, Emotions, fear, guys, life, school, Travis
Drew flaked on me. I guess to explain this, I should start from the beginning.
We have been talking the last couple weeks.
He asked for my number. I gave it to him.
He called me last night when I was at work, I called when I got off.
We talked for 3.5 hours until I was falling asleep.
Now it’s all caught up. We had made plans to hang out pretty much all day today. I was gonna spend the night at his house. I was looking forward to having him for the whole weekend :] Last night he told me to call him when I wake up, so thats what I did. We talk real quick and then he says hes going to go take a shower. Then he calls me back a little later and says that there is a major change in plans :[ He says that we can't hang out because he has to go do something with his mom and his other friend. I am really bummed and I know he feels really bad, but what can I do? Nothing. He promised me all next weekend <3 I think that I am going to bring to the football game. I don't know if it's a good idea though...because of Travis. I feel like real soon I am going to have to choose one. I don't want to, but I can't like both. They both can't be my love interest.
Krissy says that this is a sign, us not being able to hang out. I can't lie though and say that part of me doesn't agree, but I can't really explain it. I can't explain in words how good it feels to hear him say "I love you".
I feel like in a lot of ways I compare Drew and Travis and I know it's wrong but I can't help it. It's like they have what the oppisite doesn't. Drew has my heart. Travis has my friendship. Drew has the years of past. Travis has the everyday. Drew has the deep stuff. Travis has the fun stuff. Drew was there in a tough time. Travis is there now. I don't know. I just feel like in the end, Drew is going to win out for my heart. I also think this is because Travis doesn't really seem to want my heart. He keeps trying to hook me up with other people, always girls though. Travis is honestly one of my best friends.
This is hard. I am looking still looking forward to this weekend though :] I am going to the movies with Nada, Nora, Jade, Anthony, and some of his friends. We are going to see Paranormial Activity :] Tomorrow morning I have church and I think I might be working sunday during the day. Then I have youth group on Sunday night.
Oh, about Senior Highs… I feel like I need to try harder to be quiet. A lot of the time, I have a problem with self control. I need to learn when it’s okay to talk and when it’s not. I don’t want Grace to think that I am disrespecting her when I talk a lot.
Future Shows I plan on seeing:
Party Like Summer – Nov 6 in Lansing
NeverShoutNever – December 12 at the Filmore <3
On November 2, 2008, I wrote about first liking Travis and how it was weird and I was going to mess everything up. Looking back now, I still kinda feel like I did. I feel like if I had gone slower than we would still be together. I don’t know. I say that a lot. I feel like I have grown so much this last year. I feel like he was a big part of that. Everything we went through helped me, and hurt me a lot. He is someone that I will want in my life forever, I just honestly don’t think he wants to be always be there.
Today he said that I was leaving him. He said that since I was leaving him, he was going to leave me instead. I feel like thats what our whole relationship has been. Him trying to hurt me before I can hurt him. He won’t hold me hand, he always has an excuse. He won’t hug me. He spends time with me, but I feel like he doesn’t really look forward to it like I do. Leaving and not seeing him all the time next year scares me. I don’t think he cares. I don’t think he sees how big the little things are. Hes reading my blog, that huge. He won’t hold me hand. Thats huge. I don’t know. I was looking in my email the other day and found this:
Waiting,
Filed under: Uncategorized
..Christofer Drew Ingle.. He is the reason I picked up a guitar and his music speaks to my soul. He is a beautiful person and I can’t imagine my world without his music anymore. He is such a real person and I hope that one day I will meet him and have a cup of coffee or something. To me, Christofer Drew is right up there with John Lennon and Bob Marley in starting another revolution for peace through music. I hope day my music will change someone’s life like his changed mine.
..Marilyn Manson.. He is the bravest person I have ever seen in the world. I admire how open he is and how he does things that make him happy, regardless of society. I know that he isn’t the normal hero for anyone, but he is one of mine because he can change the world for a million people with one song. I hope more people will be willing to except him as I have and embrace him and his music. In the end, he is someone who broke the mold and followed HIS dreams. I wish he knew how amazing I think he is.
..Trevor DeWitt.. This guy this truely amazing. We have had those times where we don’t talk, but it never lasts. He one of the kindest, most gentle, and super crazy intelligent people that I know. He always seems to say the right thing at the right time and phone calls with him are something to look forward to. He is someone that I trust with my whole heart. No matter what I want him to be in my life and I will fight for it if I have to. He the only reason a girl would go to church camp;] Lmao.
..Krissy Ngo.. This girl is wonderful and I don’t think that I would have survived these last couple years without her. She is the best. She has opened me up to so many new and awesome things. I love her and things will never be the same without her, but I know that she will always be there for me. She is the roots to my tree<3
..Wesley J-K.. She is my heartbeat. There is no human way I can describe how amazing this girl is. I love her, that is all that needs to be said, but I guess I could try. She truly is amazing. She has become my other half in lighting time. I LOVE hanging out with her more than anything. She is the listener of my problems. She is the fixer of my issues. She is my heartbeat. Boy do I love my silly jew.
..Emily Stetson.. I am so blessed to have Em in my life. I can’t even explain how much having her as a friend has impacted my life and soul in a positive way. She is there through thick and thin and when I am a pain in the ass (which is often). I trust her with everything and I will always be there for her. Baby, I love you. Everything will be alright as long as we are together <3
..Laurie Moulding.. I love my mother more than words can say. She hasn’t always been there, but she always came back. I know that she will always love me, no matter how much we fight or how much we argue. I don’t know what I would do without her. She is the strongest person that I know and one day I can make it through what she has. She isn’t the best example of what to be, but because of her, I know who I am. This is my mother and I couldn’t be more proud.
..R. Bruce Moulding.. My father will always mean the world to me, no matter how long he is gone. Watching him die is something I will never foget. Everything I am today is because of my father. I love you daddy and I ALWAYS will. You are the best man I have ever known and one day I hope my husband can be the father that you were to me. You are my life and soul. Rest in Peace Daddy 11.12.51-11.19.00 <3
..Bruce Moulding.. My brother is probally the biggest fuck up asshole that I know, but I know that no matter what, he will always be there when I need him. He is the only person in this world that is my blood. He is the only person that didn’t leave after my father died. He has done so much for me and one day I hope he knows how much he means to me and how much I love him. He is the reason I am alive.
..Travis Frasier.. This boy is amazing. He is the guy that I want to be mine. He is the boy that fills my thoughts. He is the boy that will always be there, except when he looses his phone. He is the boy that makes everything better with just two words. He is the guy I can call when I am sad and just need to talk. He is the guy I walk in the halls with. He is the guy that will hand my hand because it is cold, or just because I want him to (sometimes). He is the guy that will always give me chapstick <3 He is the boy that makes me smile for no reason and touches my nose. I love him and I am so happy to have him in my life. Travie Boy is simply pretty amazing. He made 12.18.08<3 the best day ever.
..John Lennon.. He is the true man that we should all look up to. John Lennon is probaly one of my biggest heros. He lived and died for the most worthy of causes. Peace. He knew that peace was the only way to find true happiness. He also happened to make some of the most amazing music of his generation. The day he was taken, we the day the world shed a true tear. R.I.P.
..Bob Marley.. “Life is one big road with lots of signs. So when you riding through the ruts, don’t complicate your mind. Flee from hate, mischief and jealousy. Don’t bury your thoughts, put your vision to reality . Wake Up and Live!” These are words that could only be said by an amazing person. Bob Marley is life in one world. He stood for his faith until the day he died. His lyrics and words are something to guide yourself with. He is the embodiment of living your life for you. R.I.P.
Filed under: Friends, music, school | Tags: Amazing, Friends, Homecoming, love, school, Senior, Set, Travis
I just got home. I did a lot of shit today at school. It was pretty good though. I finally saw Travis. He wasn’t at school yesterday. I found out this morning that it was because his great grand dad passed away. I feel bad, but he seems to be holding up well. I don’t want to see him upset. I think thats why most of the time, I just do what he wants. I know that it’s not always the smartest thing, but I know that I want him to be happy and if that means going along with him than to me, thats fine. I don’t see the harm in it. I had set crew today after school too. It was fun, I’ve missed set. Bad part, we have to cut a billion and seventy leaves. Good part, I’m stage manager :] After set I came home for like two seconds, grabbed a book that Travis needed and went back to school. I know it sounds weird. but I love watching him play. I think it’s because he’s so good and because something with music in general connects so much with me. When he makes music, my heart stops.
HOMECOMING! Homecoming was Saturday. I had sooo much fun. It really is a good time. I love the dancing and everyone all dressed up :] I wish Travis had come with me, but he didn’t want to. What can I do? I can’t force him to so… I went with Melaysia :]]] We were looking beast <3 It was defidently a good final Homecoming.
I feel like Senior year is flying but then it’s crawling by. I feel like I’m not really trying as much as I should be either. I need to be studying more. I feel like I don’t really do homework, I come home most days and sleep. I have been really tired lately. I don’t know why… I don’t know. I just really want all As and right now, it’s looking like 4 Bs and 2 As. Not good enough.
I want to watch One Tree Hill on HuLu. I think I will. I like Drake :] I wish he wasn’t so with Lil Wayne.
