Filed under: Depression, Insight | Tags: Blessings, fear, Future, Krissy, life, love, Scared
Today Krissy moved back to Ann Arbor for the school year :[[ I miss her already man!
Right now I am sitting at home, listening to some Denison (which you should all listen to) trying to think of all the things that I do that I shouldn’t. If you were to look at the things I do in life, I seem like a self destructive person and the more I think about it, the more I find that maybe it is true. Maybe I am scared of getting all I have dreamed of. The life, the love, the happiness, the peace of mind.. I don’t know. It might be because never in my life has something been ‘easy’ for me. Nothing has been handed to me. Nothing has come without a cost. I am scared of the blessings I am being given.
Maybe I just look to deep into things. I do it all the time. I think boys like me when they don’t. I think people hate me when they don’t. I think that I am seen in a way that I’m not. Part of me wants to say that I don’t care, but it’s not true. I do care. I care a lot actually.
Sigh. I miss Krissy Poo.
Filed under: Uncategorized
Ever feel like you are being a bad friend? I have been lately. Krissy is my best friend and this is her last week and home and I didn’t do anything with her. I am hanging out with her today, but to run errands and things like that.
I can’t even lie and say that I was busy, I really wasn’t. The only day I did something other than summer school work was yesterday. I really do need to finish though…. I don’t know. I told her that I would hang out with her on Monday, but I just never texted her.
I love you Krissy. I have to go because you are here :]]]
Filed under: Uncategorized
Starting on the college apps. Lol. Not much time to post. Sorrry ://
Filed under: Uncategorized
Okay, I am done with this waiting a month and then writing a post, then not posting for another month. I mean, I don’t know what happened, reallly…. I used to post all the time. Somtimes more than one time in a day.
I’ve started to realize that I have a lot of irrational fears. I am scared of little things that shouldn’t even register, let alone as a fear. I have come to see that I might just be a paranoid person. I am scared of not fitting in the seats at Cedar Point. I am scared that if the water I put in my turtles tank in hot, he will cook somehow. I am scared that everyone can hear the music when I play Miley Cyrus in the car. I am scared that I will lose all my friends in a matter of minutes. I am scared that if someone doesn’t text me back that they are upset with me. I suppose if you look at most of these things it kinda just shows how insecure I am. Cedar Point – Weight. Turtle – Death. Miley – Image. Friends – Abandonment. Texts – Inadequacy. It all comes back to something I see wrong IN me.
Filed under: Uncategorized
The last couple days have been pretty amazing., but exhausting. Friends’ birthdays and work and all that busy stuff. It’s starting to seem like I have so much to do, but not really… most of the time it’s busy work to keep me out of the house. I have realized that I HATE being in the house so I look for any excuse to leave. I go on daily trips to Target to get mini things I don’t really need, I go to friends houses whenever possible, I go to movies, I do anything possible at church. I pretty much attend everything. I don’t know, I still feel like I am wasting summer in a way so I need to find shit to do.
Oh, another new thing is that I have pretty much stopped talking to Christopher… for real this time. We were texting and I asked him how his day was. Then he was getting all like distant so I asked him what was up??? He then attacked me saying that I was acting like I was his girlfriend when I’m not and that I was callling him pet names and all that stuff when I do that to everyone…. It just really made me mad and now he isn’t worth it at all. I’m done… I really am… I hope.
Today I am hanging with friends, like I did yesterday… Today is lunch with Krissy, Gabby, Ron, and Hondo for Ronald’s birthday. Tomorrow is State with the gang for the night. Yesterday was pool party with the gang. I’m glad I am hanging out with all of them before they go back to college.
Well, I am gonna peace for now. My computer is fixed, hopefully for good this time. I will try to post more often… I need the outlet.
