Filed under: AWESOME, Concerts, Friends, love, music, religion, school | Tags: AWESOME, Emily, Family, Food, Friends, Krissy, life, religion, school
This weekend was pretty damn amazing :] With the exception of having my phone stolen on Friday… I just checked at security too and no one turned it in. The people there kind of laughed at me when I said I thought someone would turn it in. Now I have to get a new phone… Oh well though… shit happens and I can’t change it now so why linger?
NOW TO SATURDAY! On saturday morning, I went to Golf and Tennis with Kathy and got my racquet re-strung. It looks soooo boss man. I have bright neon yellow strings now 
It goes great with the blue face and orange grip. I love that I can spot my racquet from like seven miles away… atleast I know no one could steal it now and then use it infront of me. While we were waiting, we went to Subway. This is when my mother became embarrassing, which she normally isn’t, and basically told Kathy our life story. Maybe not EVERYTHING, but she got close. Lets just say that Kathy now knows A LOT more than she did before….
After we dropped Kathy off my mom did some quick errands and we went home. I got ready and left like an hour and a half or so later…. I drove to Emily’s house and then to Northbrook for SoulFire. IT WAS SOOO MUCH FUN!!!! I never thought that God and Jesus and anything at church could be so enjoyable. There were games and music and cards and all that good stuff. Then we had a music packed worship led by Seven Glory and Bob. Bob is the youth director there…. he’s a cool guy. After the worship, Seven Glory had a concert and Em and I were jamming out. We didn’t even notice when Abby and Sara were gone. They weren’t as into it as Em and I were.
After the concert, Em asked if I wanted to spend the night at her house. Her mom said yes. My mom said yes. I went home after got some clothes and drove back to Em’s. I was really shocked that my mother let me take the car and KEEP it like all night/morning. I had a really good time at Emily’s house. We slept on the pullout couch and spent like a billion hours talking. We were up until four in the morning talking actually. Then we had to get up at like 8:30am for church.
I really did enjoy church though. At Northbrook they seem to make things fun, and… different… in a way I can understand it. I told my mom that I want to become a member there and both her and Emily said that I should take some more time and make SURE that it is the church for me before I make such a big commitment. It’s understandable, but I mean, I’ve been there before and I REALLY like it there. I don’t know.. I guess it doesn’t hurt to take some more time and be absolutely POSITIVE. After church, Mrs. S got us all bagels, but I had to leave right after I ate.
When I got home we had to leave again to meet Diane and Carol for Brunch. I had a lot of fun with them, I always do. They really are like my favorite family members. We went to Bob Evans and the omelette was SOOOOOOOOOO good. I wanted more. That too and the home fries were crazy good.
We went to Aunt Pat’s after and I slept. We went home. Mom and Bruce got into this really big fight when we got home. Mom was all like GET OUT and Bruce was all like FUCK YOU and it was just screaming and yelling and craziness. I locked myself in the bathroom until they were done. Then I went to sleep, got up, ate, watched tv, went back to sleep. I was a sleepy girl :]
OHHH. I got a new nose stud on Friday too :] It’s a peace sign and I am in LOVE with it.
I get to get a new phone though :] Hopefully a samsung Gravtiy like I want.
I can’t wait until Friday!!! I get to see Krissy!! I am going to Ann Arbor for Relay for Life so I’m spending most of the weekend there. I CAN’T WAIT!
NEXT WEEK IS SPRING BREAK! YAY! (Too bad all I’m going to do is play tennis because we have two-a-days Monday thru Thursday.)
Filed under: Friends, Insight, random, school | Tags: Emily, fear, feelings, guys, happy, Krissy, life, Melad, school, Wesley
All I can think about right now is the future. How much I want to go to college. How my idea of the future has changed so much in the last fews years… I’m still scared of the future, but I am more than willing to embrace it now. I feel like I am finally ready to live the life that I deserve. Here is the map for senior year.
SENIOR YEAR 2009-2010
- Go to as many sporting events as possible.
- Have a kick ass final homecoming.
- Work on GSA!
- Join some new clubs.
- Mantain atleast a 3.7 :]
- Get Senior Jersey : ” Disposable Teen” hehe
- Join NHS.
- Land a leading role in Fall Play.
- Be on singles for tennis.
- Be tennis captain for SECOND year <3.
- Be happy.
- Apply to all colleges early.
- Find a boy.
- Spend as much time as possible with Wes, Em, and Mel.
- Visit Kris more often.
- Have a role in the Spring Musical.
- Be ACTUAL member of youth group.
- Learn to play guitar.
- Go to Yale for Spring Break with Wes :]
- GET A JOB!
- Save money for Europe
- Have a bitchin time at Prom.
- Look AMAZING at Graduation.
- Grow hair out.
- Get a car?
- Get second tattoo.
- Do all the “senior” things…
Thats about it for right now. It seems like a good list. I have goals and I think that almost ALL of these are attainable. I can’t wait. I just don’t want to loose that motivation and drive to do this all. I also am a little worried that I am going to run myself ragged. I want to enjoy my senior year, not jampack it and let it run past me….
Filed under: Insight, religion | Tags: Changing, confusion, Emotions, feelings, God, religion
Everyday people die for what they believe in. I was talking to my friend Emily yesterday and she mentioned that a certain Flyleaf song was written about Columbine. I looked it up, and sure enough, “Cassie” was written about Cassie Bernall, one of the young girls who was killed at Columbine.
The story behind the song is that Cassie Bernall was asked by one of the shooters if she believed in God and her last words were yes. She died for her faith in God. The actual trueness of these events are questionable and there are many people that say it didn’t happen. The girl she was sitting with in the library said she screamed to God about why was this happening to her, and then the shooter came out of nowhere and surprised her… and shot her.
Anyways, the point of this was not whether or not it happened, but the fact that people can do something like that. It’s something that I am desperately searching for, that blind faith that Cassie Bernall had. She knew that if she said yes, she was going to die and she still stayed true to God. I don’t know if I could honestly do that. I want to be able to, but it’s so hard for me to put all my faith, and ultimately, my life in the hands of something/someone I can’t prove is there and will never be able to. I feel like I need some kind of proof that I’m not going to be punished again… that I’m not going to hurt again before I put all my faith in Him.
Thats what they talked about at youth group on Sunday. They said that we are all children of God and that even when we wonder, God will always be there ready for us to come back. That He never stops loving us regardless of what we think. I was upset that I missed it because it was basically EVERYTHING I am. Emily said that God is going to throw a party for me when I go back to him. This made me think,… people who have faith have good things that come to them. Right? This isn’t really true though. There are some people that have absolutely NO faith and they are as happy as a clam. Others, who make God a staple in their lives, get the shit deal.
It just doesn’t seem fair, if you love God, he should love you and reward you, NOT give you a hard life…
I though yesterday that maybe all of the bads things in my life are a blessing in disguise. Maybe I was given so many challenges because God knew I was strong, he knew I could handle it. I mean, it’s understandable that not everyone can have the picture perfect life, but come on… I have to have THAT MANY things go wrong? Not really. I could have done without the cutting, the abuse, and the lies. I don’t know, I’m just trying to understand all of this and it’s getting harder the more I get into it, but I feel like everyday I am getting closer to that faith I am looking for. It’s going to take A LOT of steps to get there, but one day I will and one day I will know that everything is going to be okay.
I miss Krissy more than anything right now. I have so many things that I need to ask her about. I need her to hug me and tell me that I’m not always doing the wrong thing. I need her to tell me that I’m going to be okay.
I never realized how much I really do need her… not until she was gone…
I’m so lucky to have so many people in my life that care, especially her.
KRISSY, I MISS YOU. I NEED YOU <3
Filed under: Friends, Insight, love | Tags: Emotions, fear, feelings, life, love, Rejection, self, Travis
Everyday we make choices that effect us, mostly mentally in my case. I CHOOSE to get dressed in the morning. I CHOOSE to eat lunch. I CHOOSE to go to tennis practice. I am not forced to do anything. How is it that I tend to make such bad choices then. Most of the time, I wear shorts in the cold, I eat a lunch that isn’t so healthy, and I don’t work my hardest at tennis practice. These things don’t register as something super life changing, but what do I do when these bad descion making skills come into something more important… like my body.
I clearly don’t have the best past with my body. I’ve done everything under the sun to basically hurt it. I have smoked, I’ve had sex, I have a tattoo, I have 8 peircings, I used to cut myself, and I eat when I don’t feel well. Everything in this makes it seem like I shouldn’t be allowed to make my own choices. Maybe I shouldn’t… Why is it that I’m saying this now though?!?!?! I’m about to be a senior in high school and I’m saying that I shouldn’t be able to make my own choices. Things like this are what really do make me think I’m a little bit crazy. Well, maybe a lot crazy.
Who I am isn’t something that can be handled my most people. It takes a strong person to love me for who I am. It takes someone amazing to take me for my flaws. Maybe that’s why I am so upset, so alone. I am so scared that I will never find someone who can really love me like I need to be loved. I’m so open to finding someone, I really am. I have been hurt so many times, but somehow I still open back up to people. I don’t know. Maybe thats what it is… I am TOO open, it scares people.
Like Travis, I think I scare him. I think that I am too intense for him. He is young, he doesn’t need someone like me. I want to be with him and I want to fall in love, but he doesn’t. We are in two different places.. do I leave him alone then? Do I wait for us to be on the same page? Do I hold off on finding someone who is already at the same place as me?
I’ve said it so many times, I just want to be happy. Travis makes me happy… sometimes.
Filed under: Insight, religion | Tags: confusion, Emotions, fear, feelings, God, life, religion
The lyrics stream through my head.
The tears stream down my face.
I don’t know where this began.
I don’t know this forgien place.
Am I happy?
Am I sad?
My mind of feels out of sync.
Is this destiny?
Is this hell?
How do I find the missing link?
It’s you.
It’s me.
It’s us.
The music made me see the light.
It let me see what we could be.
It made me see I would loose us.
So slow down, take a breath.
Make a thought that is complete.
Keep your head clear.
Stand flat on your feet.
Walk to the light.
Walk to his love.
End your fight.
Let him take your fears above.
Filed under: Friends, Insight, love | Tags: Emotions, fear, feelings, guys, life, Lost, self, Travis
It seems that everyday it’s harder to wake up in the morning. It seems that everyday, I want to go to school less and less, tennis less and less, home less and less. All I want to do is be around people that love me, people that care. Right now, it seems that my life has become routine and nothingness. I do the same thing everyday…
Wake Up.
Go to school.
Tennis Practice.
Go Home.
Thats all I do… the wild factor in my day is if Travis will be nice to me today. You know, sometimes he does the sweetest things, but somehow they manage to make me cry. He left me about 50 minutes of Voicemail when my phone was off. It was adorable that he spent that much time, just to make me giggle, but then there was ONE voicemail. It was really mean, he said that he hated me, that he never wanted to talk to me again, that I was a bitch. All I could think as I was listening to it was that my world was coming crumbling down. I cried…. and listened… and cried… Then, in like the LAST 30 seconds, he said that it was all a joke, he didn’t mean any of it. I was stunned. Then I listened to the next voicemail where he said that he was sorry again, that we were best friends and that he would never say anything mean about me. I have to wonder though… if he didn’t mean any of it… why would he even THINK it?
It’s like drunk people. They say what they honestly think when they are drinking. He felt that he could say whatever he wanted when he was “joking”.
It just hurt knowing that someone that I care about sooo much could even have these thoughts in his head let alone SAY them TO ME. He is about 120 feet from me and all I want to do is be around him. I want him to talk to me like I really am his best friend… like he trusts me with his feelings…
I don’t know what to do about myself and my feelings anymore. I am making tiny meaningless words into epic essays.
I have created problems for myself, why is it that I can’t solve them most of the time though? I always hurt someone, sometimes myself as well. I need guidance and I’m honestly hoping to find it in God. I’m lost and I need to find that road.
