Filed under: Alcohol, Friends | Tags: Alcohol, feelings, Food, Friends, Krissy, school, self
I am sitting in a college dorm right now. The college dorm belongs to my VERY VERY good friend, Sarah. I love her to bits and pieces and I can’t imagine high school without her. She made my freshman year one of the best freshman years a girl could wish for…. Ahhh the times 
Last night is also a time to add to the books. Yes, this is another blog about getting really drunk at Michigan State. The only bummer is that I didn’t get to have chinese take out at like three in the morning. I don’t even think I was awake at three. I don’t even know what time we left the party, or when we went to Renzo’s dorm, or when I got to Sarah’s dorm. All I know it that I threw up at all three places. Not nice. I didn’t like it all, but heyyy, that’s what I get for chugging so much alcohol in like an hour or two.
I’ll finish this later because I have to go have iHop :]
Oh, I also love Krissy. Yesterday, she did what a best friend does and it makes me see how lucky I really am to have her in my life. She’s there for me when I need her and for that I will be forever greatful <3
I’m talking to Wesley and I said, “I am mentally exhausted from everything. I feel like I pick the pieces of my life up again and then someone comes along and knocks them down, making the pieces even smaller and harder to pick up.” That is really EXACTLY how I feel though.
I am so tired of having to be strong. I am so tired of having to defend myself every second of my life. I am tired of never getting what I want. I am tired of being treated like shit. I am tired of allowing myself to be treated like shit becasue I feel like I don’t deserve any better. I am tired of feeling like this everyday. I am tired of faking smiles. I am tired of being me honestly. I just want to crawl into a hole and be someone else for a day.
I want to live a day where nothing bad happens, where I am happy, where I feel alive instead of feeling dead on the inside all the time. I want to matter… to him, to them, to me.
Filed under: Uncategorized
I hate the Scarlet Letter so far.
I hate childish games.
I’m hating life right now.
Filed under: Friends, random, school | Tags: Drew, feelings, Friends, Krissy, life, random, school, Travis
Well, Break is coming to a close and I am sad to see it leave. I like having no school. I like doing nothing all day, but I suppose that it is time to get back to the real world where I have a ton of things to do. I don’t think I want to go back though. Going back means seeing Travis and things being weird. Going back means more homework. Going back means tennis conditioning. Going back means getting up at 5:30am. Going back means moving on.
I do miss everything though. I miss seeing everyone. I miss having things to do. I miss seeing Travis. I miss talking to everyone and the buzzing of drama. It’s not the same anymore when you get that hint of what it’s like without it. I don’t know whether I want it all back or whether I want to let it all continue being gone.
The one good thing still to come is seeing my Krissy :] She came home last night and I am sooo pumped to see her today. I have missed her beyond belief!!! She brought home an international girl for the weekend so it won’t just be me and her, but I guess I can deal. Honestly, I don’t really want this girl there, but I am more than willing to give her a shot simply because Kris said that she is a cool girl. I’m stoaked to spend the night at Krissy’s tonight and eat wonderful Viet food :] I did get another offer for tonight to chill and drink with my brother and his friends, but I’m only doing that if Kris is down too. I don’t think she will be though… it’s a bummer. I think it might be kinda fun, but this is HER weekend, so… we do what she wants I guess…
GAH! I should finish homework, but I know I won’t. I have like a billion pages to read for the Scarlet Letter, but that book is so damn wordy that I feel like I am falling asleep every single time I read a page. It takes a second to read a little too. It’s so old english that you have to read the same sentence like 5 times before you get what Hawthorne was trying to say. I hate that. I’m not too fond of this book.
I’ve been thinking about Drew lately. I am not going to elaborate… just wanted to put it out there. I need to stop being me because it clearly isn’t working anymore. Any suggestions on who I should be?
Filed under: AWESOME, Concerts, music | Tags: Amazing, AWESOME, love, Marilyn Manson, music, songs
Marilyn Manson’s new album is titled “The high end of low” and it comes out in May 2009. I am sooooooooooo excited. Oh and he is headlining Mayhemfest and is coming to Michigan on August 2, 2009. I want to go REALLY bad, but lawn tickets are $66… I will see what I can swing man. I hope I can go.
I LOVE MARILYN MANSON!!!!!!!!!!
Filed under: Friends, Insight, love, random, school | Tags: feelings, Friends, guys, life, Michael, Relationships, self, Travis
I just got home from Footloose rehersal and I came to the realization that I am actually really annoying. I’m sure that’s why Michael never liked me, because I annoy him. I more than likely bother many others, just no one wants to say anything to me. It’s nice that no one wants to hurt my feelings, but you would think that atleast ONE person would tell you that you are annoying right? I was walking around today following Michael because I had nothing better to do. I don’t know why, but I really like being around him. He is a cool guy. I don’t know. I was being stupid. I am know that I don’t like him like THAT anymore, but it’s hard to stop acting like I do… I am so used to being protective and clingy that it comes second nature when I am around him.
The other thing that is hard is acting like knowing that he likes someone isn’t bothering me. He likes someone. I don’t know what it is about those words that cause me to freak out. I think it was the trying so hard and him never liking me back part. I just want to be like what does she have that I don’t? Is it because she swims? Is it because she sings? Is it because she is mixed? Come to think of it, she almost sounds like the female version of Michael. Maybe that was it… we didn’t have enough in common? I don’t know… I’m not stressing about that anymore. It didn’t work and that’s fine because it brought me to Travis, which no matter how big of a douche he is, I will NEVER regret the time I spend with him.
He really has been being a douche bag lately though. I don’t know why, but he won’t hug me. He always comes in as if he is going to hug me and that pulls away and won’t. It actually makes me really mad. He sees that I still like him, he knows that I am willing to give him time and space, he knows that I would do anything for him and he honestly uses that. Last wednesday I had a meeting after school and he knew that, but he was waiting for swim practice to start and he had no one to wait with so he called me. He knew I would do exactly what I did, come running. I did too. I ditched my meeting and said that I had to leave, went down to the pool, waited with him and ended up staying for practice.
That practice was really fun though because I pushed him in the pool :] SOOOOOOOOOOOO worth getting soaked, going outside, and getting larengitis……….. I have to go change for tennis practice now. Peaceee.
Filed under: AWESOME, Friends, random | Tags: Amazing, Emily, Food, Friends, Travis, Wesley
Well, break isn’t so bad. I have tennis practice all week. I had set today and I have it tomorrow, I don’t mind though because I get to see the people that I love. I get to hang out and bug Michael while he plays his bass. I get to bug Emily while she dances. I get to bug Simon while he sings. It all good fun. The only thing that sucks though man is that I have to wake up at like 7am. Thats crazzzzzzzzzzyyyyyyyyyy. I was tired, but it was okay because when I got home, I ate and went to sleep. I think another reason I was so tired is because I hung out with Rachel last night.
OMFG!!!! Rachel Benson is amazing! I love that girl man. We hung out last night. She texted me and asked if I wanted to hang out. I was like heck yea because I love chillin with Rachel, it’s like… you never know what is going to happen. So here is what happened. First she came over and we picked a movie; Hairspray. We watched the movie and sang to EVERY song. It was horribly off key, but full of love. Then we smoked two coals worth of Hookah. Went to MickeyD’s and ate. I think that the people who were working thought that we were high because we were giggling like crazy and Rachel dropped the money outside.
All and all though, from the two days I’ve experienced, Mid-Winter Break 2009 is going to be fun times man!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh, about Valentine’s Day. I wasn’t alone. I went to the movies with Wes, Em, and Laddie. We saw Confessions of a Shopaholic and it was soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo good. I loved it. I want a guy like that. I want a guy to say she’s not my girlfriend… she’s not you when I ask if some other girl is his. I want the kind of love that can withstand the hard times. I can hardly get love this last through the easy times. I mean come on, my last bf broke up with me when he didn’t even see me for two weeks….. What the hell man.
I have Tennis in an hour and like barely anyone is going to be there because it’s only for an hour, but I do love practice with Coach Joe and I have honestly missed Tuesday night practices :]
I’m glad that I don’t suck at tennis because I haven’t really planned in months.
Filed under: Friends, Insight, religion | Tags: fear, feelings, life, Michael, questions, religion, self
Well, the religion thing has come back. For awhile, it was all I could think about… Is there a God? Is there a heaven or hell? Then… I didn’t really think about it often. This is just something that I want to be done. I want to be sure. I want to believe in something, whether I understand it or not… I just don’t want something like this to rule my life.
The person that has for sure been there for me the most during all of this is Micheal for sure. He is the only person that is willing to explain things to me and flat out tell me that even he doesn’t understand it completely. What hit me the most was when he said that the God isn’t something that is meant to be understood. I think I like that. There is a God because there is? My first reaction is to deny because for so long I have been searching for proof…. something SOLID to believe in.
The more we talk about it, the more my views change. I went from not believing AT ALL, to know… thinking that I might have been wrong.
What people don’t get is that he explains things differently so that I can understand them. I don’t want people to get upset because they think that I am saying that they haven’t helped in my journey. That’s not what I am saying at all. I am just saying that out of everyone, he seems to be the least biased and helpful in the whole thing.
Filed under: Depression, Insight | Tags: Bitch, Fucked, Heart Broken, life, love, Travis
What do you do if you have lived your entire life under the impression that you are a good person when in everyone else’s eyes, your a bitch? I know, you feel confused and like your life has been a sham. I know this because this is what I have been feeling for the last day or so.
“You are a bitch.” “You are a bitch.” Four words… Why do they kill so much. It’s because he said them. The boy who matters most said them, and MEANT them. Maybe if I didn’t care as much as I do, I wouldn’t care. I mean, it’s not like he is the FIRST person to call me a bitch. My mother and brother call me one all the time. Oh, this sounds horrible. When the woman who gave birth to me calls me a bitch, I don’t care… it’s nothing, but when the boy I like calls me it, I feel like the world is crumbling beneath me. God, I am so fucked up.. I need to pull myself together.
Pull yourself together Janelle.
I think that thing that is worst is that I believe it. I belive that I am a bitch. I tried to say that I’m not today, and I didn’t believe myself. Am I a bitch? I mean, I have bitchy MOMENTS, but I don’t think that I am a bitch in general… I think. Why would so many people call it one if I’m not? Is it everyone else that is wrong? I don’t think so… very rarely is that the case. Although, when it comes to everything else in my life, I don’t care about the opinions of others. So why does this matter so much? Why do those FOUR words matter so much? It’s because he said them, he typed them and it hurts more everytime I read them.
Pull yourself together Janelle.
I am fucked. I need to take that time and work on me. I know I have said this a million times before, but I KNOW I need to this time. I am getting back to that point where I am hating life and myself. I can’t go back there. I won’t. Why is it that I need someone to love? Creature of habit, that’s what I am. Meet someone. Fall hard and fast. I get hurt. Semi-Fix it. Meet someone new. Fall hard and fast. Get hurt. Meet someone new. Fall hard and fast. Get hurt. Sem-Fix it. I am not a person anymore. I am a series of broken hearts, of bad memories. I need to fix me. I don’t think glue will work this time around though.
Pull yourself together Janelle.
Filed under: Friends, Insight, random | Tags: Change, life, People, TravieBoy, Travis
“Things do not change; we change.” – Henry David Thoreau
It’s like he took the words out of my mouth. I am so sick of people changing though. I want Travis is go back to the fun loving amazing guy that I started to fall in love with. I want him to hold my hand. I want him to be my boyfriend. I just want it to be fun again.
It that when you know it has changed? When it isn’t fun anymore… I love being around him, but not all the time. He has become kind of mean to me. I don’t like it at all. Sometimes he is the biggest sweetheart and he makes my heart float, but other times, I feel like I am forcing him to talk to me and it’s just so much… work… I want him to NOT change.
Damn change and the fact that it is unavoidable!!
