I am watching Krissy dance on a webcam chat right now :] It’s sooo weird man. I love being able to see her though!!! She is teaching Alyssa a dance for this dance show that they are in. She is sooo silly. I love her <3 It’s nice knowing that I have a bestie like her. I have missed her so much lately and I have been going through so much that it’s nice to talk to her about stuff again.
She is amazing for the fact that she knows how to support me with the things that I have to do on my own, but still help somehow.
I LOVE YOU KRISSY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Filed under: Uncategorized
I changed my tongue ring.
I had sooo much fun last night.
I looked so hot.
I don’t know anything though because my head is confused all the time.
I am sick of stressing over Travis.
Filed under: Insight | Tags: Changing, confusion, fear, feelings, life, questions, random, self, Travis
Yeah, I’m pretty sure that I don’t like living all that much. I feel like it’s hard to get through everyday without wanting to breakdown over the littlest things. I think all those years are therapy is what screwed me up, not fixed me. I am so sick as seeing life as a project and something that I need to work on and improve rather than something I am meant to enjoy. Maybe that’s why I don’t like it… maybe it’s because I’m not living it the way it was meant to be lived. I need to chill out man. I need to breathe. I need to stop it all and take it in.
Everyday it feels like something new goes wrong though. When things go good for once, there is always something missing. Travis is talking to me again, BUT he won’t hold my hand or e-mail me. It’s not the same. I really wish I could go back to the beginning with him and not fuck it up. I was sooo into him that I didn’t realize when I was beginning to drown him. I couldn’t see that he was in over his head because I didn’t want to. I wish I could start over with him, fix it all. Fix the relationships in my life instead of the life itself.
That’s what I should do…. Chill, rethink, relax, repair.
Filed under: Uncategorized
Did I mention that I hate moving?
Filed under: Uncategorized
I HATE moving. It is the biggest pain in the ass in the entire world. I hate it beyond belief. There are defidently pros and cons to moving though…
Pros:
1. Bigger room.
2. Bigger closet.
3. Living in a HOUSE.
4. Having a backyard.
5. Feels more like how it should be.
Cons:
1. Packing.
2. Having to change address on EVERYTHING.
3. Changing buses.
4. Living with Grandma.
5. So much drama comes with it.
They balance out, but GUH!
Filed under: Insight, random | Tags: Blame, Changing, confusion, fault, feelings, fixing life, life, questions, random, self
I wonder if there is a way that everything around you can change, but you remain the same. Or is change enivitable? Is it something that is bound to happen because that’s just how life is? Or is there a way to stop it from happening?
You know when you meet a new person? Is there a way that that person can become part of your life without them rubbing off on your somehow? Is your personality and how you based on who you surround yourself with? If so, is everyone around you really no one? Does that mean that no one really is themselves? Am I not Janelle? Am I just a mixture of who my friends are? BUT, they are a mixture of who they are around. God, that means that I’m not who I thought I was AT ALL. Who I am is based on a billion and seven people that I have never met.
Why do I doubt myself so much? How is it that nothing is how I think it is? Why do I ask so many questions? Honestly, I think it is because I am looking for so many answers in life and I feel like I haven’t found any of them yet. I don’t know anything. I feel like I am smart, but when it comes down to the real world, I don’t know a damn thing. This is were I make a pact to learn. To start paying attention to the world around me and take it all in for once. I feel like I try so hard to understand everything, but something blocks it. I know that it’s me. It’s me that is stopping me.
I haven’t blogged about this before. I have written about how unhappy I am and how something inside of me is causing it. That my “mental state” is causing it. I don’t think that anymore though. I am willing to accept my mistakes. I am willing to accept who I am and that sometimes, when things go wrong, it is my fault. It is MY fault. I blame myself a lot, but I never really accept it. I just don’t want someone to blame themselves for something I don’t think is their fault so regardless of it being my fault or not, I take the blame. I need to start taking the blame for what is ACTUALLY my fault.
I just need to start living life instead of playing some side part in my life. How is it that I can say these things sooo many times, but never actually change what is wrong. I have said ALL of this before. I need to stop saying and start doing.
Filed under: AWESOME, Friends, love | Tags: Emily, Friendship, Krissy, Living, love, Melad, Michael, Poetry, Travis, Trevor, Wesley
I carry your heart with me, I carry it in my heart
I am never without it
anywhere I go you go, my dear
and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling
I fear no fate for you are my fate, my sweet
I want no world for beautiful you are my world, my true
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
Here is the deepest secret nobody knows
Here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart
I carry your heart, I carry it in my heart .
– E.E. Cummings
This is the most amazing poem ever written. I dedicate this is all the people I love, all the people that are carried in my heart, all the people that matter. Without you, my tree would die. Actually, I don’t think that it would be there in the first place. You are the reason I get up and breathe everyday. I love you.
Krissy <3
Wesley <3
Travis <3
Michael <3
Melad <3
Emily <3
Trevor <3
Filed under: Depression, Friends, Insight | Tags: die, Holding Hands, hugs, missing, nothing, Perfect, Travis
I am degressing with Travis. We went from happy and holding hands with a hug as goodbye and hello to NOW … basically nothing. Ever since we got back from break, he won’t hold my hand, but this morning, he wouldn’t let me hug him. I don’t know what I did, but this is really starting to get to me.
Everything is. I want to crawl into a hole and dream forever of a perfect world.
