I LOVE KRISSY!!!!!!
….. I miss you girlie. You are my everything and I am so glad that you are in life.
Filed under: Friends, Insight, love | Tags: Denial, failing, Friends, Krissy, love, Michael, Rejection, school, strong
The most simply amazing thing happened to me today :] I got some snail-mail from the bestie, Krissy. It made my day<3
A observation that I made last night was that I am not feeling all that confident anymore. The indirect rejection by Michael has somehow caught up with me. I keep telling myself that if he doesn’t like me, I will be okay. I will be strong and get over it. The more I think about that though… the more I know that I am lying to myself. I really do like him and I have for a really long time. I honestly don’t know what I would do if he straight up told me that he didn’t like me at all. I would probally deny it for a few days and when it hit me… I would be out of it.
I am starting to look down on myself and I know this isn’t a good sign, but it’s like… if a guy that I like SOOO much can’t even like me, how can anyone else? I know that I have friends that love me, it just hard when I want something so bad and I know that I can’t do much to get it. It’s all on him and I hate that. I can see myself getting hurt.
Why did I pick the guy that can’t talk about his feelings? The AMAZING guy with ONE MAJOR flaw.
Oh well, I guess all I can do now is nothing….
On to much better news though :]
- I am doing much better in school this card marking.
- The play is in less than a month and I know all my lines.
- Mom is letting me take the car more and more.
- I am not really falling behind in anything.
- I haven’t talked to Drew in a really long time.
- I have amazing friends that love me.
- My bestie hasn’t forgotten me :]
- I finally finished my chem lab… I don’t think I got a good grade, BUT atleast finished.
- I have prospects for chem tutors.
- An A in Pre-Calc <3 <3 <3
Looking at all this makes me smile.
I hate Chemistry.
I love Krissy.
Micheal still confuses me, but I think it’s going better.
Filed under: Friends, love | Tags: Changing, Drew, Friends, Happiness, Krissy, love, Michael, Relationships
I am starting to feel like I am missing something in my life. I’m not quite sure what it is, but I have had the feeling for awhile though. The only thing I can think of is that maybe something inside me is changing… not really missing per say. It does kind of seem like everything around me is changing though. I am getting to a point where I just feel different than I always have. I don’t know. I think I am feeling a lot better though. I am started to feel really… good… about life. I think that all that “think positive” crap that Krissy is always talking about might be working :] I feel like I have become a genuinely happy person now.
There are so many things that I could let damper my happiness though, but it is good that I am not letting them. The first and most important thing is that I don’t talk to Krissy anywhere near what I used to, but I am trying to see the positive side of it. I still do talk to her A LOT and she is the one that I always tell the most important things to first. We are still really close and that is all that matters. It nice to know that we can be apart for like two months and still be best friends. She is a highlight of my life and without her the last like three years would have been majorly horride. I love the girl and the distance is not going to kill me.
The second thing that could put a damper on the happiness is Michael. I love the kid and I think that because I have so many feelings for him, he has the ability to hurt me more than anyone. For some reason I don’t think he would though, but I don’t want to say that because that is exactly what i say about every other guy, and then he hurts me. I don’t know. Past relationships : Drew, Drew, Stephen, Drew again, some more Drew, Christopher and thats it. I know that the constant in this scenario is Drew, but i really think that I am over him. I know that I will always love him for the simple fact that he was there for me all those years no matter what. Also, for the fact that he was my first love, but I’m okay now. I read this thing somewhere and it said “sometimes you have to forget what you want and remember what you deserve.” That is kind of how I feel a lot of the time. I know that somewhere inside my heart, I will always want Drew, but I know what I deserve is so much better than him. I deserve Michael.
In the last couple days, with him being gone, he is simply all I can think about. When I listen to a song, he is what I think about. When I see something on televison that makes me smile, I think about him. I think that I am becoming a little obsesses with him… and that isn’t a good thing to me. I refuse to make someone my everything again. He is amazing though. I was worried that when he went to Louisanna, he would forget about me… well, not really forget me, but not think about me while he was gone. I am happy to report that my worries were useless. He sent me an e-mail saying that it was a bummer I wasn’t on because if I was, we could have talked all night. All I could do was smile and then be pissed off that the fucking internet at home is broken. DAMN THAT COMPUTER!!!
Anyway, life is going good. Krissy, I have one thing to say to you though… LLAMA!!!!… with a small penis.
JAM <3s MILK.
:]
This entire post is dedicated to Michael. I really think that I am falling in love with him. He becomes more and more amazing everyday. I don’t know how I made it all the way through freshman year without liking him. He has become the reason I look forward to school, the reason I like AP Chem and AP English, and the only reason I would ever want to go to a football game (he is in the marching band). He is simply amazing. With the exception of Drew, in the beginning, I have never met anyone who makes me feel the way he does. HELL, Drew never even made me feel this way. I always knew that Drew liked me so it was easy more or less. With Michael, it is like everyday is something new and exciting. I never know what is going to happen with him, or what he is going to say.
Michael is like th guy I have always wanted, but I seen to notice that I say that quite a bit on here. I said that about Chris… and Drew… and Trevor. I did kinda feel that with them, but it was because I was unhappy and just wanted to have someone who fit my idea of perfect. It isn’t that way with Michael though, he really is someone I want to be with, more than I have ever wanted anything.
He is the guy that makes you smile for no reason. He is the guy that you look at from across the room and when he gives you the slight grin, you feel like you can float. He is the guy that doesn’t have to try to make you laugh, but always does. He is the guy you want to wipe your tears. He is the guy that when you haven’t seen him for days, you could go crazy. He is the reason you don’t do homework because you are too busy thinking about him. He is the reason that you want to go to the classes you hate just so that can see him. He is the reason that you go to cheesy high school functions. He is the guy that you want to do all the romance novel experiences with. He is the reason girls want to kiss in the rain.
Michael is slowly becoming a part of my heart. He is there. He really is. I think that I am starting to fall in love with him. I think that I am ready to fall in love with him.
JAM<3MMF
Filed under: AWESOME, Friends | Tags: a-squared, Adam, Amazing, Ann Arbor, AWESOME, Friends, good times, Inside jokes, Krissy, love, Nick, sad face, University, Walking Pnuemonia
I know that it has been awhile, but I have been like crazy busy all the time lately. Between school, after school activities, having a life, and homework, I never seen to have time to come on here anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I come on a couple times a week (if I can) to read other’s blogs, but it seems that whenever I come on I either don’t have the time to write OR I don’t have the urge to. This is some update bloggage.
I was sick basically all last week and it was really bad. I missed 4 out 5 days. When I went to the doctor’s office he said that I had ”walking pneumonia”. I laugh everytime I hear this term now because I think of Krissy and Adam because they made fun of me for it. They asked why it was called “walking pnuemonia”… “do you have a little man walking around inside of you”… They are such idiots man, but I love them :] I didn’t like being sick AT ALL. I was coughing A LOT and I couldn’t do like anything. The medicine was gross, I missed a week of school, I couldn’t eat ice cream, I probally gained weight because of the large amount of popsicles I consumed each day, and I almost didn’t get to go Ann Arbor last weekend.
ANN ARBOR WAS AMAZING!!! I had soo much fun and I got to see my bestie again… it’s been awhile. Now that she is in college we don’t talk everyday and it is weird not seeing her everyday. It was amazing getting to be with her for like three days straight. I got cheap used books, I found a book I needed for school for five dollars, got to have Bubble Tea, see where I ultimately want to go to college, and I got to finally meet all the people that Kris is always talking about. Here is my opinion on all the A-Squared peeps.
Kris – Ehhh… she’s okay. JUST KIDDING. Love her, if anything, college has made her more outgoing and I love it.
Adam – He is pretty kick ass. He is playful and just plain fun to be around. He has the same stupid sense of humor that Kris and I have. He likes superman, which is a little strange, but still cute. He is cocky, and I kind of like that. He is the kind of guy that could have lots of girls, but doesn’t want them. He is a girlfriend that he loves and is faithful to. He’s is the type of guy that will point out that all guys are dogs… but that he isn’t. He is swell; I would share a cookie with him anyday. I am also very proud that I got to be there when he had his first Bubble Tea experience. (If you have not had Bubble Tea, it is something that you for sure try, it is crazy good.) Also I would like to say “Repeat-Left Bracket”.
Carly – Krissy’s roomate. To be honest. I thought that she was going to really immature, weird, and not want to get to know me. It was kinda the oppisite though. I mean she is silly, but not in the “Oh my god, I want to fucking slap her because she is so annoying,” kind of way. She is silly in the fun way. She is actually kinda weird though, but not in a creepy way. She is kinda crazy like me and doesn’t really care. She is random and not scared to be herself. In a way, she is very similar to me. In the words of Krissy, Carly also really likes me. This is a really good thing. I would be really sad if Krissy’s roommate disliked me. That would be bad beans:[
Nick - Purple!!! (inside thing) He is a sweet guy... I like him, he is swell... That is all I shall at the moment.
Frankie - Well, here is the thing. I introduced myself to him, he introduced himself as well, we shook hands... and that was about it. He is cute and all, but I can't make much of a conclusion when I have never really talked to the guy.
Alyssa - She is loud and fun and awesome. I am now her bullet proof vest (another inside joke). She is from Chicago. That right there gives her cool points. I really want to go to Chicago some day. It seems like an awesome city... plus my dad grew up close to there, so it's an emotional thing too. She is kinda like the mini-asian, not as crazy version of me. She is cool beans :]
Ummm… who else?
Justin – He seems a little strange, but still fun :] “JUST-IN the morning!!!!” (Once again… an inside joke.)
That is all I can think of at this time. All and all, I didn’t meet a person that I didn’t like <3… I also lost an extremely awesome hat too :[ That is a really sad face man. Oh, and I don’t think that I have said “sad face” more than I did that weekend.
That is all for now… I have Chem homework… if I do it today I get extra credit, and I NEED it.
