Filed under: Insight, love, music | Tags: confused, fear, love, Lyrics, married, Michael, songs, superman, The Beatles
Well, here is something that is blowing the the lid off of my sanity for sure. Micheal. I didn’t exactly tell him that I love him, but I for sure hinted around at it. You see, I write him these letters and the last one I gave him was where I hinted at the love. I have a thing for the beatles and so I thought that maybe it would be a good idea to translate feelings in song… So… I just wrote down to the lyrics to The Beatles song, “If I Feel”. The song goes:
If I fell in love with you
Would you promise to be true
And help me understand
’cause I’ve been in love before
And I found that love was more
Than just holding hands
If I give my heart to you
I must be sure
From the very start
That you would love me more than her
If I trust in you, oh please
Don’t run and hide
If I love you too, oh please
Don’t hurt my pride like her
’cause I couldn’t stand the pain
And I would be sad if our new love was in vain
So I hope you see that I
Would love to love you
And that she will cry
When she learns we are two
cause I couldn’t stand the pain
and I would be sad if our new love was in vain
so I hope you see that I
would love to love you
and that she will cry when she learns we are two.
If I fell in love with you
Well, to read these would make you think, ” She isn’t hinting, she is full on spelling it out for him! How could he not understand it?” Lucky me though. I feel like I picked a fucking idiot. He doesn’t get it and if he does, then he is the best faker. I even DID spelled it out at the bottom of the page. I put “Basically, what I’m trying to say is that I want you to let me love you.” I don’t know man, I just really want to know how he feels. I just want him to turn to me and say, “Janelle, I love you. I always have. I’ve just been waiting for the right time so that I could be sure.” I just want all the feelings that I have to be returned so I don’t feel like an idiot for not understanding that he didn’t want me from the beginning.
I have so much fear in me. I am scared that no one will love me outside of family and friends. I think that that’s why it’s so easy for me to love, because I want it returned so bad. I am so scared that I am going to spend all this time and feelings on someone who in the end, “just wants to be friends.” I understand that it’s high school and I’m not exactly looking for a OMG, I WANT TO GET MARRIED love, but yeah… I just want someone to want to be with me. Other than a gay guy or a juvy boy. He is just simply amazing and I want to mean something to him. I want to be someone that he never forgets.
I think that I might love him. I held his hand today for almost half the class. I can’t help but get butterflies when I think about him. When he touches me… I can’t describe it in words. I really think that I might love him though <3
Filed under: Friends, Insight, random | Tags: Blame, Chem, Friends, Insanity, Michael, serial killers, Sorry, Sunshine, tears, Wesley, Wishes
I wrote this a few days ago in AP Chemistry class:
“Never in my life have I felt the way I do now. I feel like nothing in life is making sense anymore and nothing even happened that could possibly confuse me. I had a complete meltdown today in Chemistry class becuase I don’t understand what I am learning. Not only to I usually NEVER have a difficult time learning things, nothing seems to be going to way I want it to lately. The guy that I am crazy about has NONE of the feelings I have. It seems that the older I get the more I realize that things aren’t easy for me”
I can’t deny that this is how I feel kinda still. It seems that no matter how hard I try now… nothing seems to go the way I want it to. Sometimes, it may seem like things are falling back into place for awhile and then something comes along that ruins it all over again. It’s just become really hard to think and be who I want to be because I seem to be upsetting so many people by being me. Michael told me “be Janelle Ainsley Moulding” when I said that I didn’t know who to be around him. It makes me like him even more. He really is an amazing guy and I can’t imagine how these last couple years would have gone if I did not know him. He is one of the reasons I enjoy going to school. He makes me so happy that when I am around him, I can’t help but smile. He really is the shinesun that helps light up my day… I know it’s corny, but it’s true.
This brings me to Drew. I can’t stop thinking about him and I don’t want to anymore. I know that he isn’t really the one for me, but it seems like part of me still wants him to be. I don’t know why I keep trying… I think that he just has a lot of growing up to do before he can really love me the way I deserve. Atleast, I realize that it’s him who was in the wrong and not me. I am trying to get to a point where I don’t think that everything is my fault. I usually do and I have for a really long time. It’s something that I have to work on. I feel like such a hypocrite sometimes because I tell Wesley to stop saying sorry all the time, but I can’t stop blaming myself. For some reason, I think that it is okay for me to be blamed, but not for her. She really is special to me :]
Also, I have come to believe that I really am becoming insane. I hear people saying my name ALL THE TIME. I hear whispers telling me horrible things. I think about Serial Killers, A LOT. I’m starting to think that there is nothing wrong with murder… There are just too many things that make me feel emotionally unstable.
Filed under: Friends, Insight | Tags: Backstabbing, Betrayed, Dealing, Drama, Family, Friends, Lies, Micheal, Parents, school
What do you do and how do you feel when someone that you thought you could really trust is telling everyone around you lies? What do you do when you feel betrayed by someone who you thought would never betray you? Those are the questions I have… I don’t know how to feel because someone who is SUCH a good friend is telling others that I am talking about them. I mean, I don’t deny talking about her, but she told her that MY MOM was too?!?!?!? She also said things that I didn’t say. Plus, it’s not like she herself as never said anything bad about said person. She talks shit about her all the time. Why would she say that? I don’t know… I don’t know how I can feel about her now. I still love her, but it’s making feel like I invested way too much trust in her now. I just don’t see what I ever did wrong to deserve this. I can’t even fix it. I was brought into someone else’s problem, which is the worst because I have to let HER fix it… I can’t. It’s just really hard to pretend like nothing is wrong when I know that she really is talking about me behind my back.
I know that a lot of people talk shit about me, but I didn’t think that she would be one who would. I love her, I really do. It’s just a giant shock to me man. I don’t know what to do. I want to say that everything is going to be okay, but part of me doesn’t believe that. I have never said anything bad about her and I still haven’t… I really just don’t see what I did to her. I was told it was her way of breaking up two of her friends and I was somehow just dragged into it. That’s not cool. I feel like I haven’t really done anything bad to anyone this year. I don’t know. I just don’t know man. I hate not being able to say anything, but I have to keep my mouth shut because this ‘thing’ doesn’t need to get any bigger than it already is.
To think that I dogged Michael for her… Guh…
Filed under: Insight, Prejudice, Satanism, religion | Tags: Anton LeVay, Devil Worshipers, Nine Satanic Statements, satan, Satanism, The Bible, The Church of Satan, The Devil, The Satanic Bible
It seems that the more I think, the more I realize my entire life has been about me wondering and simply not knowing. I come to the realization more and more everyday that what I have come to believe and was raised to believe is a whole bunch of horse shit. The more I compare the Catholic Bible and the Satanic Bible, the more I realize that I have been living my life all this time to fit the wrong system. The practice of the Catholic religion is all about what is wrong and what you cannot and are not allowed to do. Satanism is about doing what is right for YOU and what you believe. It seems to me that Anton LeVay was a fucking genius and those who deny him are the ones who don’t know what Satanism is all about. I am so sick of people calling me a devil worshipper, when it’s simply not true. I would understand if it were, but it’s not. Satanism is not about worshipping the devil, it is about the principle Satan stands for.
In Satanism there are nine guidelines, also known as the “Nine Satanic Statements.” These are:
- Satan represent indulgence instead of abstinence!
- Satan represents vital existence instead of spritual pipe dreams!
- Satan represents undefield wisdom instead of hypocritical self-deceit!
- Satan represents kindness to those who deserve it instead of love wasted on ingrates!
- Satan represents vengence instead of turning the other cheek!
- Satan represents responsibility to the responsible instead of concern for psychic vampires!
- Satan represents man as just another animal, sometimes better, more often worse than those that walk on all-fours, who because of his “divine spiritual and intellectual development” has become the most vicious animal of all!
- Satan represents all of the so-called sins, as they all lead to physical, mental, or emotional gratification!
- Satan has been the best friend the Church has ever had, as He has kept it in business all these years!
It seems to me that these nine statements make a hell of a lot more sense than the fucking ten commandment. ALSO, I would like to point out and educate people that the satanist point of view is NOT the demonic point of view. There is no killing of babies or small animals in Satanism becuase the true satanist sees children and small animals the purest form of life and should therefore be cherished. I hope you have learned something from this blog.
I am not a Satanist… yet, although the more I learn and believe, the more I wouldn’t mind holding that Red Card when once I turn eighteen.
I should have known that perfect never lasts. Christopher broke up with me. I didn’t really see it coming AT ALL to be honest. I know that all girls say that, but I mean it. It happened on Tuesday. I don’t really want to talk about it…
Life so amazing right now that that is all I have to say. The only thing that is kind of a bummer is that Christopher has a hangover so I haven’t really talked to him all day :[ Poor baby, BUT I am spending the day with him tomorrow to celebrate my birthday so I am sooo excited :]
I turn sixteen in two days <3
Filed under: Friends, Insight, random, school | Tags: 2010, Acting, AP Chemistry, Birthday, Court Room, Finn, Homework, Juniors, school, School Play
I have slowly realized that I have not written about school yet. I have been in school for a week and I haven’t blogged about it yet?!?!? Where has the time gone? My class schedule is :
- AP Language & Composition
- Economics
- Acting
- —–Lunch—-
- French 4
- AP Chemistry
- Pre-Calculus
All and all I really like my schedule. I like my teachers, I like the kids in my classes, I’m liking this school year. My favorite class is hands down acting. It is a fun class and I really do enjoy acting… The only thing that is going to be a pain in the ass is keeping myself afloat since I know that I don’t really want to do school work. I have two AP classes that are going to be a handful, but AP chem is going to be the one that is the hardest. It isn’t an easy class to begin with, but hopefully I will be okay. I feel a little like a retard in that class now because we are doing things and I feel like I really don’t understand it yet. I also haven’t done chemistry in like 3 months.
I am looking foward to the coming week though because we have the mass meeting for the fall play on monday. Mr. Finn, the play director and my Acting teacher, told me that I should really try out for the play this year because it’s about time I “got on that stage”. I am going to try out :] The play sounds really cool. It’s a trial/court case play with audience participation. Even if I don’t get a part, I know that I am going to somehow be involved in the play be in on the stage or as part of the backstage crew. Fingers crossed for a lead role though :]
That is all for now… I have homework I should be doing. AP English Essay, Starting AP Chem Lab report, French Reduction, Math ACT prep packet, and studying for my econ test on monday. It feels weird being back at school as much as I love it though. I hope the school year goes as nice as this first week did <3
I am going to my cousin’s home in South Lyon this weekend because she is taking me to the Renaissance festival tomorrow. Four more days until my birthday <3<3<3<3
I have a sleepy Krissy on my couch 
Filed under: AWESOME, love | Tags: Christopher, happy, Holding Hands, Kissing, love, Tuesday, Wesley
I don’t know how I got so lucky man. I found THE most amazing guy that I think I have ever met. His name is Christopher and I have mentioned him before. I don’t know if I put that we ended up not talking for a few days because he was scared of what my brother would do, but it did happen. Four days later he texted me at four in the morning to say that he was sorry and that he liked me. He also mentioned that he still really wanted to see me. I am amazing, but REALLY happy. He is one of those guys that just make you feel kind of complete.
It’s hard to see him because he works a lot and because we have decided that it would be best to NOT tell my mom or my brother, I can’t really see him on the weekends, when he doesn’t work. Luckily, he doesn’t work on Tuesday though. Last Tuesday he drove all the way from Troy to pick me up at school then we went to his house. We wacthed most of Superbad because I have never seen it, but then he just layed there staring at me. Thats ALL he did. He just looked at me. It was really nice though because it was those “this girl is amazing” look not the “this chick is hot… I wanna fuck her” look. Then he kissed my forehead <3 To me that is like THE sweetest thing ever. We ended up kissing a lot and then he had to take me home. He gave me goodbye kisses and held my hand on the car ride home :] He makes me soo happy.
I think that my Tuesdays were doomed to be amazing always <3 First Wesley, Now Christopher. It’s Saturday now and I have talked to him like non-stop everyday since last Tuesday. My birthday is on wednesday so he is taking me out to dinner and a movie on tuesday. I can’t wait. He is amazing :] :] :] :]
Last night he sent me the most amazing text. “You mean the whole world to me green eyes. I love you so much.” <3 He calls me green eyes. Not the best nickname, but sweet nontheless. All the people that matter all ready now the more intimate details and that is how it is going to stay. I am sooo happy though… and thanks Kris for being happy for me :]
We made up.
Today was amazing.
His kisses give me butterflies.
His touch makes me float.
I can’t remember the last time I was this happy :]
