Thoughts from an Unknown.

     Well, it’s been awhile and everything in my life that could have gone wrong has. I found the perfect guy who wanted to be with me and it’s been fucked up. I haven’t hung out with the people I love most in awhile. My best friend has left me to rot in this shit hole called a town while she has wonderful adventures in college. I hate my brother, but that is nothing new… I have to go back to school soon and of course I am not prepared. I am once again confused about what I believe and what I want. I feel like I once again want to crawl into a corner and die. I just wish that so many things could be different.

     Let’s start with the beginning. I found an amazing guy who wanted to be with me. His name is Chris B and he is truly amazing. He is 21 and sooo nice. He is hot and sensitive. The biggest thing that was a turn on is that he didn’t just want to fuck me. He wanted a relationship me and even asked me out on a date. I was sooo excited because my mom said that I could go out with him. Then once my brother found out that I was going on a date with him he FLIPPED OUT. I didn’t tell my mom that he was 21 because I didn’t want her to say that I couldn’t go out with him so I said that I didn’t know how old he was. Then when she got home she told me that I couldn’t go out with him and of course my brother sent out the forces. He had friends slap him up a bit. He had everyone tell Chris not to talk to me, but being as amazing as he is… he still did. He still wanted to see me and for once I thought that I had found that one guy that wouldn’t make me cry.

     When I thought this I was thinking too soon. Last night I was talking to him about him coming over today and he was all game and then when I told him that I didn’t know if Bruce was going to be home he got all freaked out and told me that he didn’t want to talk to me anymore… that it “wasn’t going to work out” because he “valued life too much”. These are exact words. I couldn’t do anything, but cry then. That’s all I did for about an hour and a half. Now I am not talking my brother. I am done with him. I lost having a future with an amazing guy because of him and it’s the last time I am ever going to let him think that he can make decisions for me. He can’t even fix his own life. Who the fuck is he is to think that he can run my life!?!?!?!?!?!?!

     Krissy has left the building. She has moved away. She has met new friends. She has a new phone. She has a new life. I’m in the past now… That’s just how I feel about that right now. I feel like when I talk to her now she has all these inside things with everyone else that I don’t know about. I feel like everything I ever had with her won’t be the same. WE wouldn’t be the same. I just want them to go back to how they were, but now I know that it can’t. Everyone has to move on with life and if her moving on means leaving me then I wish her the best of luck. I hope she knows that I will always love her though :]

     I now have summer reading that I haven’t even finished reading and question that I only have ONE answer to. I should do it, but for some reason I keep putting it off. I go back to school in a week and something makes me want to hold on to summer. It’s not like anything good happened that makes me want it all back, but I kinda feel like it was wasted on nothingness. I just want it all back so that I can do something significant with the time I had.

      Surprise Surprise. I am thinking about learning about being Pagan and Wiccan. I’m thinking that something in me wants to think that nothing but human controls the world, but I can’t seem to make it stick. I don’t think that I am going to convert to anything just yet, but I want to learn. I am still learning about Satanism and the more I read, the more I feel like I believe it. I was reading today about the Satanistic point of view on love. They believe that love is a special thing that should only be given to those that deserve it. It how I feel. I am sick of giving love to people who have shown me no reason to. I am just sick of getting hurt. I’m starting to have a different view on everything I ever thought. I’m starting to open up my mind.

     Hopefully… some things in my life will change along with my mindset.