Filed under: Depression, Friends, Insight, love | Tags: Brother, Christopher, College, Disappointment, Friends, Hatred, Loser, Lost, love, Mr. Perfect, Satanism, Wicca
Well, it’s been awhile and everything in my life that could have gone wrong has. I found the perfect guy who wanted to be with me and it’s been fucked up. I haven’t hung out with the people I love most in awhile. My best friend has left me to rot in this shit hole called a town while she has wonderful adventures in college. I hate my brother, but that is nothing new… I have to go back to school soon and of course I am not prepared. I am once again confused about what I believe and what I want. I feel like I once again want to crawl into a corner and die. I just wish that so many things could be different.
Let’s start with the beginning. I found an amazing guy who wanted to be with me. His name is Chris B and he is truly amazing. He is 21 and sooo nice. He is hot and sensitive. The biggest thing that was a turn on is that he didn’t just want to fuck me. He wanted a relationship me and even asked me out on a date. I was sooo excited because my mom said that I could go out with him. Then once my brother found out that I was going on a date with him he FLIPPED OUT. I didn’t tell my mom that he was 21 because I didn’t want her to say that I couldn’t go out with him so I said that I didn’t know how old he was. Then when she got home she told me that I couldn’t go out with him and of course my brother sent out the forces. He had friends slap him up a bit. He had everyone tell Chris not to talk to me, but being as amazing as he is… he still did. He still wanted to see me and for once I thought that I had found that one guy that wouldn’t make me cry.
When I thought this I was thinking too soon. Last night I was talking to him about him coming over today and he was all game and then when I told him that I didn’t know if Bruce was going to be home he got all freaked out and told me that he didn’t want to talk to me anymore… that it “wasn’t going to work out” because he “valued life too much”. These are exact words. I couldn’t do anything, but cry then. That’s all I did for about an hour and a half. Now I am not talking my brother. I am done with him. I lost having a future with an amazing guy because of him and it’s the last time I am ever going to let him think that he can make decisions for me. He can’t even fix his own life. Who the fuck is he is to think that he can run my life!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Krissy has left the building. She has moved away. She has met new friends. She has a new phone. She has a new life. I’m in the past now… That’s just how I feel about that right now. I feel like when I talk to her now she has all these inside things with everyone else that I don’t know about. I feel like everything I ever had with her won’t be the same. WE wouldn’t be the same. I just want them to go back to how they were, but now I know that it can’t. Everyone has to move on with life and if her moving on means leaving me then I wish her the best of luck. I hope she knows that I will always love her though :]
I now have summer reading that I haven’t even finished reading and question that I only have ONE answer to. I should do it, but for some reason I keep putting it off. I go back to school in a week and something makes me want to hold on to summer. It’s not like anything good happened that makes me want it all back, but I kinda feel like it was wasted on nothingness. I just want it all back so that I can do something significant with the time I had.
Surprise Surprise. I am thinking about learning about being Pagan and Wiccan. I’m thinking that something in me wants to think that nothing but human controls the world, but I can’t seem to make it stick. I don’t think that I am going to convert to anything just yet, but I want to learn. I am still learning about Satanism and the more I read, the more I feel like I believe it. I was reading today about the Satanistic point of view on love. They believe that love is a special thing that should only be given to those that deserve it. It how I feel. I am sick of giving love to people who have shown me no reason to. I am just sick of getting hurt. I’m starting to have a different view on everything I ever thought. I’m starting to open up my mind.
Hopefully… some things in my life will change along with my mindset.
Filed under: Uncategorized
Life is starting to suck again.
Well, more people to add to the character of my sitcom life (the one in my head). The loner, the misunderstood, the outsider. Me… I feel like I have so many friends, but I feel like a lot of them don’t get me. Some do, but not many. I feel like everytime I say something I have to explain everything that I think and why. It just sucks being the loner in your own show. I feel like my life isn’t really about me and who I am. It’s about all the people that surround me. My life is supposed to be me right? Then how come I always feel the person that is on the outside of the circle. I just hate that I feel this way … a lot of the time.
Characters so far: Villian, Change. Desired Boy, Drew. Outsider, Me.
Well, another character in my sitcom is bothering me lately. The boy everyone wants. The boy I want. The boy I used to have. I really wish that I didn’t want him. It seems the more time I have nothing to do, the more I am thinking about him. The more the what-if’s pop into my head.
- What-if I haden’t moved away? — He would have still moved…
- What-if I had tried harder to hold it together? — It takes two to have a relationship.
- What-if I just forgave and forgot everything? — I wouldn’t really be happy.
- What-if he really does still love me? — I would tell him I love him too.
- What-if I could see him again? — I would have no idea what to say.
- What-if he really is playing me? — I would cry some more probally.
- What-if he ISN’T playing me? — I would kinda be surprised.
- What-if we could be together again? — I would jump at the chance.
- What-if we’re never together again? — It’s something I’ve already lost…
- What-if I never get over him? — I’ll ignore it like normal people.
- What-if the longing and loving feeling never go away? — Then I never loved him in the first place.
Now do you see why I can’t be allowed to think. If you couldn’t already guess the boy I speak of is Drew. The guy so many people want. The guy I used to have. I just wish I could go back to when I had almost forgotten that I missed him. Now that I sit and do no thing I feel like he is all I can think about. I put this new thing on my AIM buddy info. It says :
I thought i was over you,
but the truth is
i get butterflies every time
I hear your name.
I smile when I see your picture
and I wish you were mine
but somehow I know
that you don’t feel that way for me
and boy it kills m e ♥
That explains it all.
Characters so far : Villian, Change. Wanted Boy, Drew.
Filed under: Friends, Insight, random | Tags: Change, Comfort, fear, Villian
Sometimes I feel like my life is some kind of television show that I watch in my head. Some people have voiceovers and scenes, I have characters that every good show has. Lately the one I have been focusing on is the hitman. The person who tries to destroy everything that matters, the villian. I just wish that my villian could just be a person I could avoid…. too bad it’s not. In my show, my villian is change. Change is what is stalking me and taking those incriminating pictures. Change is what is causing me to look around corners and hear bums in the night.
I just kind of hoped that change wouldn’t have caught up with me as fast as it has. It’s like it jumped about twenty steps ahead on me and somehow managed to push me in a corner, a place where I have no place to turn. The truth about me is that I am terrified on the inside. I have grown accustomed to my life the way things are. Having people I care about a arms length, always having something to do on the weekend, random talks about nothingness, and comfort. Comfort is the thing that I think I am most scared of loosing. Comfort and Security.
I just don’t want things to change and I know they are going to….
Somtimes I just feel like I am cheated. I get close to someone again when I know we are about to drift apart. I wish it wasn’t like that though. Now, everyone knows my villian. Change.
Filed under: Insight
You ever get the feeling that you want someone back? Like you never wanted to loose them in the first place….
I feel like that now and I don’t think that I can get him back. Atleast not the way I want him to be.
You can’t change someone to make you happy, but I wish I could.
Filed under: AWESOME, Insight, love, music | Tags: Artists, friend, Lyrics, Meaning, music, songs, Struggle
I am sitting at my computer thinking. I do this all the time. It’s the only reason I have so many posts… For some reason I am thinking about music and how its pretty much the center of my world. I have always had an attraction to music, my whole life. I sing. I listen to music like crazy. Sometimes I TRY to write… I feel like I can relate to so much music whether it be the beat and energy of it or the meaning of the lyrics. Music is all about passion and I think that is what I love about it. Someone look time out of their lives to create something, hoping that it would change someone’s life or somehow help or touch them. That is what a lot of songs do for me.
The other thing that dawned on me was that lyrics are something that I hold dear to my heart. When I want to express something and can’t find the right way, I play a song to someone … or tell them the lyrics. They are how I express how I feel a lot of the time. When I am down, I listen to songs that have the same somber feeling and expression that I have at the time. Sometimes I get the feeling that these lyrics and these feelings somehow make me close to the artist that wrote them. It takes emotion and experience to write a song. “You write what you know.” You write what you know … My thought process is, “They know how I feel.” I would never wish for someone to suffer, but the people that have write the best music man. Eminem. Marilyn Manson. The ones that fight to make it are the ones that are worth listening to. The ones that have feeling behind their music are the ones that people love.
Music really is an amazing friend to everyone… I love Music and I wish that I had the talent to pursue it.
(most of the time my titles are lyrics or song titles to an amazing song that has somehow touched me. If you are reading this you should look up this music.)
((I finally got to see my Wesley again!!! <3 <3))
Filed under: Insight, love | Tags: Family, Friends, ignoring, love, true love
Why is that we always hurt the ones that truely love us and put the ones that don’t first? Think about it, we always want to talk to the ones that won’t end up loving us in the end, but we never want to talk to the ones that will. Family, we never want to talk to family. Stupid boys, we always want to talk to them. I just think that it’s soo stupid that a majority of normal people put the ones that we are attracted to before the ones that have always been there for us. Family and true friends are the only ones that will ALWAYS be there for us. If they aren’t, then they never really loved you. Thats the way that relationships are. We find that person that we think completes us and then forget everyone else. No one else in the world exists anymore.
Also, why do we always keep loving the people that continue to hurt us? There is always that first love that evey person has and if you are lucky you get to keep them. In most cases though, we don’t and they hurt us. They always hurt us. We always love them. I guess if you ever stop loving them then you never truely loved them in the first place. No amount of time or distance can kill true love.
I just wish that I wasn’t one of the people who fall into this catergory…
Filed under: Friends, Insight, random | Tags: Alcohol, Angela's Ashes, Back to School, Drew, Drunk, Grounded, Summer Reading, The Awakening, Updates, Wesley
I don’t know what to think anymore. I have been feeling really good and I don’t think that I should. I went to a party on Friday night and got piss drunk… then I came home and my mother found out. I am now grounded for a week and it’s not that bad. I think that if I had a kid I would have given them WAY more punishment. The only downfall is that she is making me clean the house like a fucking slave. On Saturday I had to clean/scrub the bathroom. Sunday was the living room and kitchen. Today wasn’t that bad. I had to take out the garbage, vacum, clean the kitty litter, clean the walls in the hallway, and do the dishes. I know that it kind of seems like a lot, but it’s all relatively small things so it’s easy peasy man.
The one thing that I am looking foward to this week for sure is picking up my Welcome back to school packet!!! I am sooo excited. I wanted to go today, but I have to go with my mom and she had to work early. I think that I am going tomorrow because mom doesn’t have to work until like 4. I AM SOOO PUMPED MAN! I know it’s kind of nerdy to like school, but I do. I can’t wait to go back. The only thing that I am stressing about is finishing my summer reading. I have to read 3 books and I am about half way in two of them. One of the books is Angela’s Ashes by Frank McCourt and it is a really good book so far. I am also about half way done with The Awakening by Kate Chopin. I am not looking foward to finishing the The Awakening because one, I already know how it ends thanks to my amazing friends and two, it’s just an incredibly boring book. I doesn’t matter much though because I currently don’t have the book… I left it at Krissy’s house and at the moment it is impossible to get it back. Either I can’t get to her house or she won’t come to mine. I guess I will just focus on finishing Angela’s Ashes and starting Self-Relience and Other Essays. I don’t really think that I have to read the book though because they gave us a passage to answer the questions from. I think that I’m going to read it though, just to be safe.
Wow, this has been an amazingly boring blog. I apoligize if you had to read that.
Updates:
- I haven’t talked to Trevor in a few days.
- I haven’t talked to Michael since the day I made a fool of myself.
- When I got drunk I talked to Drew on Myspace and was a total whiny bitch … I asked him why he didn’t love me anymore and stuff like that. He told me that he still did, but I don’t believe him.
- After number 3 I sent him kind of a last try message : I’m sorry that I have been so pissy and mad at you lately. I just really miss you and I love you. I haven’t heard you say that you love me in over 3 months. I miss “us”. I just miss loving you and being happy. You probally aren’t going to reply and if you do it will be one word, but I thought that maybe it was worth a shot.
Janelle
P.S.
I really did mean it when I told you that I would love you forever and I still do. - Reading it again I know think that I am a giant pussy.
- I haven’t seen Wesley in two weeks and I am going CRAZY!!!!!!
