Thoughts from an Unknown.

     Why to I live? I am such an ungrateful person. I don’t do anything for other people and that doesn’t bother me. That should bother a  good person right? Well, why doesn’t it bother me. I should be the type of person who tries to help others and stands up for the underdog. Why don’t I? When you think about it, I don’t do anything positive. I’m not even happy to be alive. A lot of the time I wish I wasn’t, but I have it all so easy. The biggest thing that bothers me is whether or not my boyfriend is thinking about me. I can live. I can breathe. I can think for myself. I can give myself a bath. There are so many people in this world that can’t do that and I can. I can walk, but do I think about that? No. Of course not because I am a selfish bitch who doesn’t care about anything or anyone.

     The selfless people who try and save the world. I wish I could be more like them, but I know that I never will be. The thing is that helping people really does make me happy. I mean, I want to be a social worker when I grow up. How can I want to do so many selfless things when I can’t even do charity work. There are so many people in this world that need someone. They need someone to understand them and not pity them. I want to be that for someone. I want to bring someone joy and not because it makes me feel good, but because it makes THEM feel good. I want to be a good person.

     The only thing that is stopping me is me though. How is it that people who mental disabilities can be so nice to people, and me, who has everything, can’t talk to her neighbor. A lot of people would tell you that i am a good person and I love them for saying it, but the truth is that I’m not. i’m not a good person. I have became an angry person who only cares about myself. Even now. I can watch a movie and cry, but it’s never because I am sad about what happened, it’s because it makes me think of something from my past. I can’t be selfless for two fucking seconds. Why can’t I just help people?

     How am I going ot help people for a living when I can’t even be all that nice to my friends? How am I ever going to be nice? I tend to cling on to things that makes me angry. In the real world I am always feeling sorry for myself. I am always thinking about myself. Sometimes, I just wish that I could be a good person. I just wish I could not be me sometimes.

    I want to be someone like Gilbert Grape.