“I know that you won’t get to read this for a very long time, but for some reason it makes me feel a little better atleast THINKING that I can talk to you. I talked to your mom. She said that you will be in a youth home for the next six months. I am going to miss you like crazy. I already do. We haven’t talked in about a month and a half… I’m really like driving myself insane. Your all I think about. I wonder if you are doing alright. I wonder if you are missing me too. I just miss you and right now it’s really hard, but I know that I can make it through these next couple months.
When we first got back together we said that if we loved each other that would could work through the distance. This isn’t really what I had in mind, but I guess in some case this is going to be the test. I love you more than anything, I have for the last four years of my life. That never changed and it never will. You will always be one of the most important people inmy life. Whether we are together or not, but hopefully we are. =]
You have always been the one for me Drew. The way that you are, everything about you makes me want you. I can’t believe that after all these years and all the shit we even still talk to each other… let alone are together. It took us some time, but we found each other again. We always do.
You’ve always been the guy that I talk about when I want someone to do something right. You’ve always been the guy I use for stories when someone asks me if I have even been in love. You’ve always been my everything. Your a guy. I don’t need to look anymore because I found you. Gosh, it doesn’t even seem real sometimes. I can’t believe that I found someone that I love and care for so much. I never thought that I would find that, let alone when I was so young.
I don’t want to scare you with my feelings… I just wanted you to know that even though we are apart I still love you more than ever. You won’t read this until about December and that’s if you go on Myspace when you get out of the youth home… I just want you to know that in December I’ll still be here wanted to be with you. When it comes to you, Drew Depauw, I would wait forever if thats what it took.
ily,
Janelle “
This is all I could say when it comes to Drew. I sent to him on Myspace. How lame am I? I know how lame I am… So lame that I am sitting in front of my computer singing to an imaginary person that can’t hear or see me. Sometimes I feel like I am trying so hard to make something work that doesn’t want to work for me. I have tried so many times to make it with Drew and it never works. The only thing that makes me think is that if we weren’t meant to make it then why do we coming back to each other. Lame is I.
Filed under: Insight, love | Tags: confusion, Drew, juvie, love, mothers, names, phone, questions, texting
What do you do when that one thing that you really don’t want to think about is all that you can think about. That is how I am feeling right now. All I can think about Drew. Don’t get me wrong, I love him and I love thinking about him. It’s just that when I think something for long periods of time I start to make up more questions. So now I am asking stupid questions and letting them eat at me.
Is he thinking about me too?
Does he still love me?
If he is thinking about me, what is he thinking?
Is he thinking the same loving thoughts that I am?
Will he still want to be with me when he gets out?
All of these are questions that I shouldn’t be asking myself because there is no way for me to know that answers to them. I know that if I continue to ask questions more question will spawn and more questions and more. It will be a never ending cycle until I finally go crazy. I just wish that I could talk to him sooo much. I talked to his mother on monday. I sent her a text saying : “Drew’s mom. I’m sorry I don’t know what to call you… I was wondering if Drew can recieve mail where he is and if you could please give me the address. I’d REALLY appreciate it. I’m really not a bad person and I’m sorry if I am bothering you. I would just really like to talk to Drew. Thank you sooo much.” She didn’t text back. Which I was actually expecting. She called me. She then broke the bad news to me. Drew CAN get mail and phone calls, but only from family. So, being that girlfriends don’t count as family I can’t talk to him..for six months.
My first idea was to ask her if I could pass a message to her that she could tell him, but I am being a giant chicken. I don’t know whether to call the woman or text like I did before. The thing is that I think that it would be smart to call, but I don’t even know what to call her. I can’t call her Mrs. DePauw because I know that that’s wrong. I KNOW that that isn’t her name.
It’s all just so hard and I wish that it wasn’t. I wish that Drew was here and was telling me that he loved me to my face.
Filed under: Insight
I wrote this freshman year: I just felt like adding this…
I am so sick of the idiots at my school. I am not generalizing because not all or them are. I would just like to know…how hard is it to say a *complete* and *proper* sentence. It’s learning how to fucking talk. Some of my favorites are:
“What had happened was..”
“I be doin’…”
and
“Where was you, dawg?”
I think that some of the people are so ignorant that they wouldn’t know proper english if it hit them on the forehead. I am so scared that future generations will sit there and think that what we call slang is proper english. Then, there are also the dumb fucks who have the supidity to put words like “bootyliciuos” and “ain’t” in the dictionary. THEY AREN’T WORDS!! When someone tells me what “ain’t” stands for, then I will believe that it is a word. It clearly doesn’t stand for “is not” because that is was “isn’t” stands for and if it did where did they get the a from? It also doesn’t stand for “are not” because that is what “aren’t” stands for. Hmm…what else have the kids at my school done to degrade the english language? They call each other “dawg” and “nigga” when neither of those are words either. (Correction to them: “Dawg” is really spelled “Dog”) Why do they insist on calling each other animals? I am not a dog. I do not walk on four leg and I don’t lick myself. So please do not call me “dawg”. Also, why is it that when anyone opens their mouth everyone has to jump on that person and says a smartass remark? I have never in my life been to a place where everyone derespects other (and themselves) so much. Today in Geometry I was talking to the teacher. I said two setences and before I got the last word out there was a boy telling me that I talk too much and it was “story time”. What an asshole..and people wonder why there is so much crime? It is because you have people who don’t even relaize that they are disrespecting someone every time they open their mouths. PLUS! I hate to brake to the many indiviuals at my school, but I did NOT take away YOUR afrimative action. I am so sick of people saying that “my people” took away “their people’s” afirmative action. How about you get off your lazy ass and stop taking hand outs. Do you even realize that you are truely degrading you and “your people” by taking the hand outs from the government. All the minorities think that all the white people are taking there jobs “because we are white”, but most of the time it is because the “white” person is better quailfied for the job. You are intelligent people and if you stopped thinking that you can only get what you deserve if the government gives it to you, you could actually help “your people“? I am done. I am sick of it all and I know that you all are fully capable of comprending the english lanuage, so when you do let me know. Also, if you would like to dicuss further with me feel free to comment me, message me, or comment this blog. I am always open to the ideas of other people. How can you improve if you are narrow minded?
Filed under: Family, Insight, Prejudice | Tags: bible, Catholic, confusion, God, Minister, questions, Real, religion, satan, Satanism
I have gotten to the stage in my life where I am beginning to explore my spirituality. I was raised in the catholic faith, but as I have gotten older I have realized that that is not what I believe. I don’t believe in the Jesus was the son of god and died for our sins thing. I don’t believe in all the miracles that the bible says happened to all these holy people. I don’t do the whole everyone believing in the same exact thing. I also REALLY don’t do the whole live my life to makes some holy figure that I can’t even see happy. How do I even know that god is real? How do I know that all those prayers I said when I was little really get answered? Were they even heard?
This is where I have come to question faith. I don’t even know if I believe in God…. let alone HOW.I don’t know if I am agnostic, because I am not all that sure if I believe in God, but then it’s like am I Atheist? I don’t know. I know that I don’t believe in the Bible… I know that I don’t do the whole everyone do exactly the same thing all the time. The thing that makes me think it why are there so many things that are supposed to miricales that can be proven by other things. Not only science… Other religions. Why is it that everyone is fighting about religion when they are all more or less believing in the same thing. How is the Allah different from God? Why does it matter what you believe in to people so much?
I’m not trying to say to I am going to become a Satanist with this post. I am just trying to get some of the feelings that I have out. I am so sick of everything I do that is good in my life being thanked. Why is it that God gets all the credit when I do something amazing. But, why is it that God also is held accountable when something bad happens? When someone dies people always say that it was “God’s will”. Who says that he gets to decide when someone is ready to die? What makes this invisible “force” so powerful. I have thought about this and when I read it in the Satanic Bible it made so much sense. Man made God. Man invented God. Also, that we aren’t really created in the image of God. God was made in the image of the “perfect” man. We thank God for everything when it is really Man that should be thanked. This means that everytime we praise God or thank Him… we are really thanking the Man that invented God.
I have learned through experience that you can’t live with regret. You can’t live with guilt. In the Catholic faith they say that God will grant forgiveness if you ask… If forgiveness is so easy then why is it so sought after? Why does it really matter what we do if, in the end, we are going to be forgiven? I am sick of doing what I think will make someone else happy because the church is happy. I want to live my life to make ME happy… not everyone else in the general population. My biggest thing is… If I’m not hurting anyone, why can’t I do want makes me happy? If being gay makes me happy… why can’t I be gay? If having sex makes me happy… why can’t I have sex? If you really think about it, everything that most religions won’t let you are things that make you physically, emotionally, or mentally happy. Sex. Food. Lust. Anger. Revenge. Envy. Basically the seven deadly sins…
I think that I just need to take some time and evaluate what I really believe. I just really hope that my family will give me the chance. My mother is having a large problem with all of this. She feels that she is failing because I have rejected the Catholic faith… She was a minister and now her own daughter is reading the Satanic Bible. I can understand it, but I just want her to give me a chance. I just want to create myself to make me happy.
Filed under: Insight, love | Tags: anger, confusion, Depression, desires, eyes, inner love, love, perfection, self, self improvment
Last night I was laying in bed and I was thinking. I was thinking about the thing that I am always thinking about. Drew.
My thought: I love him. I want to wait for him to get out to be with him. Actually, by definition I am still with him. We never broke up. Hmmm… Anyways back on subject. Do I wanna wait six months for him to come back home? Yes. I have offically decided that I am going to wait for Drew because I love him. I love him more than I have ever loved anyone else. I know that he could change while he is detained, but hopefully it is for the better. He is an amazing person and whether it works out for us romantically he is someone that I always want in my life. There is no way that I am letting someone this important to me go. Not again. I have made that mistake before and it is the only thing in my entire life that I regret.
My other thought was that maybe I could take this time and change myself for the better. Maybe this is a sign. A sign that I need to work on me. I am always so confused and angry. This is the time that I am going to work on that. I am not satisfied with who I am and I am going to change that. When Drew’s mother told me that I needed to find someone else to love I was really upset. Maybe I can, but not in the way she meant. Maybe I can take the time that Drew is away from me to start loving myself. I need to love myself again. There are so many things that I would change about myself if I could. Some of them are vanity issues, but some of them are inside of me. Things that I have had bottled up in me for years and never delt with.
Things I am going to work while my love is detained:
- Anger
- Weight
- Hair
- Depression
- Communication
- Reactions
- Manners
- Soul
These are all things that I feel that I need to work on before I can truly love Drew the way that I want to. I want to love him with my everything and know that I will always love myself as well. I don’t think that this has ever been the love that I have had for him. I have always loved him with the thought that I love some of who I am.
Don’t get me wrong, the thing isn’t that I don’t love myself and who I am. I do, it’s just that I don’t COMPLETELY love who I am. I want to feel complete. I want to love myself for everything that I am, not just part. I owe it to myself and to Drew to be a whole person. I’m not a real person and I haven’t been for a long time. I am sick of the longing to be “perfect”. (Not in society’s eyes) I need to be “perfect” to me. I don’t want to hate myself and wish I could be something or someone different.
I just want and need to open my eyes and love everything that I am.
“Life is not about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself” – unknown
At the moment I feel like I have been given a shot of energy. I am feeling really good today. I woke up at 8 am and showered. I was dressed and ready to vacate at 8:25ish, but I didn’t have to leave until 9:15. I made a bagel, sat down, watched some of an episode of Legally Blonde The Musical : The Search for Elle Woods that I had missed. It was kinda good. I liked it. I didn’t finish it though because I had to leave. I went to volleyball practice and did REALLY good. I’m liking this RedBull feeling.
=]
I found out that Drew is in a youth home for six months because he ran away. Part of me wants me to be really mad at him for doing something so dumb and not even telling me. The other part of me knows that I can’t be because this is a hard time for him though.
Now the only question is: Do I wait for him to get out? Or do I move on while I know he can’t interfere?
Filed under: Friends, Insight, music | Tags: Friends, Hank Williams, love, Martina McBride, music, Scream, Survival
I have been feeling really strange lately. Sometimes I am really happy and I am loving life, but then other times I am mad at EVERYONE for no reason. My mom says that it’s just called “being a teenager”, but it doesn’t feel like this is normal. I keep feeling like I want to stab something….or throw something. I feel like everyone is just picking at me. I’m starting to feel like I’m not good enough for anyone and I’m not sure if I ever will be.
I said that a long time ago that I was done with being what everyone else wants me to be, but it seems that the older I get the easier it would be to just conform and be what everyone expects me and accepts me for. I am exhausted. I know that I am trying to be who I want to be, but it’s so damn hard all the time. It pisses me off that everything seems to be going wrong lately. Everything was supposed to be perfect. I was supposed to get Drew back and it was all going to be perfect. It was for a week or two and then it all fell apart again. I cry now. I don’t know how long ago and how often I said that I was done crying over him, but no matter how hard I try I can’t help it.
As of late my safe havens have been Wesley and Music.
Wesley has been amazing to me. I love the girl more than I ever thought that I would. She is becoming part of my heart beat. I don’t know what I would do without her. She listens to everything I have to say and I couldn’t be more thankful. I know that she will read this so I love you lovely. =] You have been my rock lately. I hope that we never turn into what Steven and I turned into. He was my rock and then….nothing. I know that you will always be there for me and you know that I’m ALWAYS there. I know that it’s a little harder to say but I think that you are in my soul. Not many people get let in lately. They may think that they have because I say that I love them, but it’s not so true. ”I love you” just means “you matter and I care about you.” You are more than that though. =]
Music is truely saving me. My iPod has become my comfort. When I am down I listen to some slow mellow music that might make me cry, but it helps. When I am happy I blast upbeat stuff and jump around. When I am mad I might put on some Marilyn Manson or Flyleaf. Something that is loud and screamo, but not really “angry”.
Current Song: ”Concrete Angel” by Martina McBride
This song speaks to me sooo much.
”The teacher wonders but she doesn’t ask
It’s hard to see the pain behind the mask
Bearing the burden of a secret storm
Sometimes she wishes she was never born
Through the wind and the rain
She stands hard as a stone
In a world that she can’t rise above
But her dreams give her wings
And she flies to a place where she’s loved
Concrete angel
A statue stands in a shaded place
An angel girl with an upturned face
A name is written on a polished rock
A broken heart that the world forgot”
I don’t know how to explain how I feel so I do it by what music I listen to. This song and “I’m so Lonesome I Could Cry” by Hank Williams are how I feel.
“Hear the lonesome whiperwill
He sounds too blue to fly
The midnight train is whining low
Im so lonesome I could cry
Ive never seen a night so long
When time goes crawling by
The moon just went behind a cloud
To hide its face and cry
Did you ever see a robin weep
When leaves begin to die
That means hes lost the will to live
Im so lonesome I could cry
The silence of a falling star
Lights up a purple sky
And as I wonder where you are
Im so lonesome I could cry”
I know what you are reading is really sad and it’s how I feel, but I also want to scream.
AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
