Thoughts from an Unknown.

   I always wondered what they meant when they said that absence makes the heart grow fonder. I now KNEW what it meant. When Drew and I were talking…. I missed him like crazy. Now that we haven’t talked in awhile, I feel like my heart is trying to let go. I know that this is mad difficult for me, but. I’m not even sure if I still love him. I mean I know that I love him, but I’m not sure anymore if I love him because of him or because I love the IDEA of what he represents. I really hope that I didn’t spend all these years in love with an idea, but it’s possible. That kind of upsets me.

   I am also questioning everything lately.

1. Does he really love me?
2. Why would he lie about it after all these years?
3. Did he only come back because I was fimilar?
4. Why did I have to hear from someone else that his mom was an alcoholic?
5. Why have I STILL not talked to him?
6. Why am I questioning everything so much?

   I feel like his absence has made my heart question. I’m not all that fonder. I feel guilty all the time because I think about being with other people. There are people that I want to kiss all the time. I think that I miss the freedom of being able to do that whenever I did that. I don’t even know anymore. If anything his absence has been causing major stress. I have been getting really painful migranes and random nosebleeds. My mom thinks that this is because my blood pressure probally went up. This is really not what I need right now though. I have finals in a week and prom is the day after tomorrow. I wish that I could just puch this out of my mind for a week or two, but I know that there is NO WAY I can do that. He takes up too much of my mind and my thoughts.

P.S. My mom told me that if I get ahold of him that he can come and stay with us if he needs to. That sweet of her, but I don’t know if I am really ready to LIVE with him yet. I love the idea minus my mom. I don’t think that he could handle her sooo much at one time. He hasn’t even met her yet. Plus, I don’t know if I could control myself and my urges with him in the next room when she is asleep if you know what I mean.   

;]

I really do hate being me sometimes.