Filed under: Insight, love | Tags: angry, bullshit, fake, feelings, pissed, Relationships
I am so sick of everyone. I feel like I did when I tried to kill myself. I feel like I no longer have reason to breathe. If I did then there is no way that I would be able to sit alone in a room for a half hour with no one saying anything to me when they walk by. I am not a legitimate person anymore. I am something that walks from room to room with pent up feelings. I keep letting all the anger build. I am mad that I keep letting all the petty bullshit get to me. I am mad that I am bothering to care enough to be mad. I am sick of all these things that people call “feelings”. This word is merely a way to pass the time. No one really cares about shit anymore.
People say that they care about things, events, other people. No one really does… If that was so I would not be in this rage. I am sitting alone in another room while more people hand out “feelings”. Kris HAS feelings for Mike… and Neil? If she had “feelings” for Mike then you wouldn’t be hooking up with his BEST FRIEND right in front of him. I know that he doesn’t care, but does that make it right? What were those “feelings” then? Obviously nothing important… I am sick of all this random hooking up. No one wants to care about another person…LOVE THEM???? Ha. How about random easy ass. I don’t know what she expects from him after this, but there better be no attachment. I love her to death. She is my best friend, but do I HAVE to agree with everything that she does? I don’t think so.
This is not just a rant about Krissy, there so more….
Emily has “feelings” for Pat…and Mike? It makes me sooo mad that in the limo on the way home from prom, she was talking about how much she liked Pat. Is that why your tongue is down MIKE’S throat right now? Oh yeah. I can really see the “feelings” flowing. Ugh. It’s all bullshit. She is basically trying to bring out of a HAPPY relationship so that she can get back the chance that she fucked up? I don’t think that tonsil hockey with Mike is going to help the cause.
I have feelings for Drew… There are no quotations because I know that it is real. I know that they are there. I am here at a after prom party and I haven’t done anything with anyone. I want to be with Drew and I am showing that because I’m not having some random ass hook up right now.
I am done with all the shit and everytime I think that I am done with it…a bullshit storm blows in.
Lucky me =]
Songs that remind me of him:
- Taylor Swift – Invisible
- Taylor Swift – Tear Drops on my Guitar
- Lonestar – Not a Day Goes By
- Katherine McPhee – I Can’t Help Falling in Love with You
- Mayday Parade – Miserable at Best
- Sara Bareilles – One Sweet Love
- Red Jumpsuit Apparatus – Your Gaurdian Angel
- Plain White T’s – Unconditional Love
- BuckCherry – Crazy Bitch (don’t ask)
- Lonestar – Tell her that you love her
- Taylor Swift – I Heart
- Anberlin – A Day Late
- Boys like Girls – Thunder
- Beatles – All my loving
- Beatles – Hold me Tight
- Rascal Flatts – What hurts the Most
- Bethany Joy Galeotti – Crazy Girls
- Bethany Joy Galeotti – When the stars go blue
I can’t help listening to these songs over and over again. You should listen to them.
Filed under: Insight, love | Tags: boyfriend, confusion, Drew, horrible, i, love, questioning, two
I feel like I have no idea what I want anymore. Everything is so confusing these days. I know that I haven’t written a new post in a while so I will explain the WHOLE thing. I have been back with Drew for a while, about a month and some days. Like 2.5 weeks ago he kind of goes missing. I haden’t talked to him and by the end of week two I was in tears because I thought that something had happened to him and that he was dead in a ditch somewhere. This was the same day as the French play so needless to say I wasn’t to excited to go up on stage and ACT as if everything was okay with me. I went home and then when I went on Myspace on saturday he had sent me a friend request. This was a giant relief. He is alive.
The things that are so confusing:
- Why didn’t he call me to let me know he was okay?
- How did he remember my Myspace URL?
- Why am I number eight on his top friends?
- Why does it say nothing about me on his page?
- Why didn’t he send me a message?
- Why didn’t he answer my comment?
- Why is he leaving me so in the dark if he loves me so much?
My explantations to myself:
- He wasn’t able to get to a phone and even if he could he doesn’t know my phone number by heart (he left his cell at home).
- It’s not that hard, ( www.myspace.com/janelle_is_sexy48085) besides he could have just searched my name… I did it and my Myspace was the only one that came up.
- He didn’t have time and didn’t actually ARRANGE his top friends, that is just the way that it happened.
- He didn’t have time to say anything. I mean his page is pretty minimal, but it does have videos. The thing that he has is “in a relationship” as his status.
- He didn’t think about it. Not everyone would think of that. He didn’t know that I was crazy worried… (It would have made SOOO much sense to though.)
- He went on really fast?…
- This is the only one that I can’t create a reasonable answer for. I mean he sent me a request so he thought about me…. but.
I sent him a message when he didn’t respond to my comment. It said:
“ Where have you been? I have been going crazy for the last two weeks. I called your phone and your mom answered. Thank god she did because if not I would have had no idea that you weren’t home… Did something happen? Is there some reason that you can’t tell me? I love you more than anything and I am not going to push you. I just want to know what’s up. I’d like to talk to you… Why haven’t you called? Believe it or not, today is one month since you came back into my life. I love you and I really hope that I hear from you soon. I’m just glad that I know your okay (I think). I was a mess thinking that something happened to you.
Love Always,
♥Janelle “
He still hasn’t been on Myspace so he hasn’t read it.
I have been doing some searching though. I was on his page and I happened to notice that one of Drew’s friends Devon was online. So I sent him a message asking him if he knew if Drew was okay. Long story short: I end up talking to Devon and when I said that I was Drew’s girlfriend he says something about some OTHER girl named Angi. I then cried for about an hour or so.
This brings me to me “two handed confusion”. On one hand I have so much love and history with Drew. He is one of the major reasons that I am still living. He was there for me when I felt like I had nothing to live for. He was the one that made me want to live again and the last time that blade cut my skin, I didn’t want it to bleed because of him. He has always meant so much to me and everytime he isn’t in my life I seem to go insane. I feel like the world doesn’t make sense and I am just kind of in my life, not really living it. I hate it when I can’t talk to him. I think about him all the time. I think about what to say to him, I write poems about the love I feel for him, I can’t help but want him.
On the other hand though, all the things that I want I can’t have. He doesn’t call. He doesn’t seem like he wants to talk to me all that much. Sometimes I feel like the love that we have for each other is more of a one sided thing. I know that he loves me. I know he does. I just hate that I have to question it. I shouldn’t have to question it. If he loved me as much as he says he does then he would show me. He would make an effort. I feel like I deserve better, but then I think, “What is better than Drew? I love him with my whole heart. I got lucky.” I feel so guilty sometimes because I second guess everything. I love him. That is that right? Then why can’t I get the feeling of pain and longing for something else out of my stomach.
Sometimes (a lot of the time) I hate being myself.
Well… It is official. My boyfriend is missing in action.
I talked to his mother today and she said that he hasn’t come home in five days.
I’ll write more later… I’m starting to worry though.
I haven’t really talked to Drew lately. I don’t know if I posted this, but we got back together about 2 weeks ago. I know it hasn’t been long, but he is becoming a huge part of my life. The thing that is getting hard is not being able to see him everyday because he lives a half hour away. I know that that isn’t really far, but it is when you have no car or a way to meet up.
It’s really hard knowing that I am sitting here thinking about him and he could be making out with some random girl, not caring about me at all. I don’t think that that is happening, but because it’s possible it’s in the back of my head. He said that he would never cheat on me because he wouldn’t want me to cheat on him. I think that that is an okay reason. I wanted him to say something sweet though….like “I would never cheat on you because you are the best thing in my life and how could I do any better.” He didn’t but when I asked him if that was how he felt he said yes. I don’t feel like that is enough somehow. I know that he has the love for me, but sometimes it bothers me that he can’t express it like I do. I mean I get it though. He is a guy and it’s hard for him.
The other thing that is eating at me is that I feel like I have been talking to him less and less. This last week I probally talked to him for a total of 15 minutes combined….if that. It seems like he doesn’t have time to talk to me. Monday- Talked to him in text form for like 10 minutes but then got mad when I sent too many. Tuesday- Called and he couldn’t talk. He said he would call me back. Didn’t. Wednesday- Once again. Said that he would call me later… and didn’t. Thursday- Talking for a matter of minutes. Said I missed him and haden’t talked to him all week. Called him out on not calling back. Said he would TRY to call later. Didn’t. Friday- Tried calling and then went to sleep. He called at midnight when I was already asleep. Saturday- Talked for minutes early in the day. He was at a party and couldn’t talk. Would be able to talk later… When called later….couldn’t talk. Sunday- No attempt to contact…yet.
I feel like I am obsessing over talking to him and the fact that I haven’t in the last week. My thinking is that I can’t see him everyday. I can’t touch him. I can’t kiss him. The least I can have is 15 minutes a day to talk. If he can’t talk then some texting. I don’t think that I am asking for a lot. I want to make the long distance thing work, but he has to too. He still says he loves me, but the random “your beautiful” texts have stopped. The most I get now is an inapporiate picture as a sorry for not calling.
It’s just hard having a relationship with a phone, but I still love him more than anything <3
Filed under: Friends, Insight | Tags: confusion, Insight, life, mirror, random, realizing, something
Ever feel like you are just watching everything go by you? Like your life is going on without you and you somehow aren’t in it. That is how I have been feeling lately. I feel like I am watching my friends go on and live their lives and I am on the other side of the mirror. They laugh and play and I can do nothing but watch. I feel like I am no longer in control of my life. I want to break the mirror and step back into the life that I used to live so bad. Something is stopping me though. I am looking at the details that are there. The details that I never realized were there. Wow. He has an amazing smile. I never knew she could talk with such grace. Things that I have been unable to see because I have been so wrapped up in all the drama and chaos that is in my life.
I never thought that I would have such a problem controlling my life. I have ALWAYS been in control of who I am and what I do. Sometimes I feel like I give up so easy though. I want to fight for what I want. I want to break the mirror. Make the sadness and lonliness shatter.
The thing that is getting to me the most is that I feel like all of the people in life are fine with me being absent. No one says anything when I walk away or when I get silent. Not only are I loosing contol… No one is helping me get it back.
The other day I was with my friends and I wasn’t talking and no one was talking to me so I walked away. I sat in the grass and just looked at the world around me. I looked at my friends and saw how much fun they were having without me. How the grass was still green. How the world was still going on even when I wasn’t active in it. The looked at my hands and put them together. When I pushed hard I could feel my heartbeat and for some reason I was surprised. I didn’t expect my heart to be beating. I was expecting silence. I don’t feel like my heart is beating most of the time. The amazement I felt in that moment was stunning. It was like a wake up call telling me that not everything is about me.
The world will go on without me.
My friends will go on without me.
My life will go on without me.
If I don’t break the mirror then all of these things are bound to happen. I am going to loose all control of what is left of my life. I am writing this thinking that people may read this and think that I am depressing. Thats not true though. I’m not. I love life….I just feel like I’m not living mine anymore. I’m going to find a way to break the mirror. I just don’t know if I can do that without getting some blood and scars on my hand.
