Filed under: Insight | Tags: age, alone, feelings, Friends, guys, manson, problems, school, self, titanic, young
I have been thinking a lot lately about myself and how I live my life. I don’t think that I do things that make me bad, atleast not in my eyes. I think that somehow I am setting myself up to get hurt. I depressed all the time. It’s not really depressed depressed. Sometimes I just don’t know how to describe it. I feel like I have lost my passion for life. All I think about nowadays is what I am doing that day or Marilyn Manson. I am truly obsessed. I think that I have to be obessed with him. Simply for the fact that I have no guy in real life to think about all the time. I HAD Trevor, but I haven’t talked to him in so long. It’s been about 2 or 3 weeks. I haven’t talked to him since the day before the super bowl. I think his failure to call is what has led to this evaluation. I keep thinking about what is wrong with me. Why wouldn’t he call? Did I do something wrong? Did I call too much? Was I too eager? Maybe after he had sex with me, he didn’t want anymore. Maybe the thought of me makes him sick. I will never talk to him about these things though. I can guarantee you that. There is no way that I can say this without seeming winey and attached. I don’t really have the right to be attached though. I knew that he had a girlfriend. Anyways. I am way off topic. I will be back to the evaulation now. Here are the aspects of my life.
Boys - As you can tell from previous blogs and the writing above, I have some issues. I seem to have the habit of hooking up with people. I don’t have sex with them all. I have made out with a lot of guys and I have given oral to a lot of guys. I am careful and everything. I have been tested. I think the reason I do that is because I like feeling wanted and attractive. Something about making a guy sexually excited is exciting to me. I have only had sex with two guys. Trevor and Ron. Maybe I should get off of guys for a little while. Cool my jets. Honest, I don’t think that I have the actual time for guys, but I can’t help it. I am a natural flirt. Even with guys that I don’t like and would never do anything with. It’s horrible. I don’t want to become that guy that hooks up with everyone, but I think that I am too late. Ugh. Is it bad that I am typing this and still hoping that Trevor will call?
School – I need to start paying a lot more attention in school. I’m so busy with after school shit and everyday drama that my studies have gotten the rotten end of the deal. I got a 3.2 on my reprt card. Don’t get me wrong. That is good, but I know that I can do better. I have done better. The basic reason I got to low is because of my engish final (I got a C because my teacher didn’t tell us EXACTLY how to write the essay) and my math grade. Math isn’t really my best subject. At the moment, I have a D+ because I don’t understand what we are doing and my teacher isn’t the best teacher. Nothing that she teaches us makes sense to me. She talks and talks and talks and maybe once in awhile it will make sense. Most of the time I am lucky if I understand how to do the homework. Needless to say that I don’t do so hot on my tests and this is where I need to do good on tests. They are worth almost 80% of our grade. Hopefully after I hand in my test corrections I will have a C. I really need to get a tutor….or someone that has enough patience to teach me.
Family – I love my family. I don’t think that I have many problems with my family. I love my mom, but it seems that she doesn’t trust me anymore. Ever since that night with Trevor, she thinks that I am going to go and sleep every guy that I know. It’s like she thinks that I am going to get pregnant and ruin my life or something. Having sex with two guys doesn’t make me a whore. She has become spaz lately. She is never home and she wants me to hang out with my friends, but yet she doesn’t. It’s so confusing. I have been home for a year and a half now and it’s nice. I still have some old habits. I still feel like I need to keep things from the parent figure. I still feel like I need to sneak around. When that is all you do for years that is what you are used to. I usually won’t talk on the phone when she is around. I don’t mean to keep things from her, it’s just habit. I don’t know. Sometimes it seems like she wants to be more or my friend than my mom and I don’t mind that. It’s just that I get so confused and I never know how she will act when I tell her something. Parent or Friend. Then she says that when I don’t get what I want I put some sort of guilt trip on her….which I don’t. I don’t hold what she did against her. It made me who I am, but sometimes I am not so sure that that is a good thing.
Friends – I don’t have many troubles when it comes to my friends. I still miss a lot of the people in Troy even though it has been so long. I miss the comfort that I felt when I was in middle school. I wasn’t afraid to be myself. I’m not really afraid to be myself out here, but you know sometimes it’s hard. I want to scream in the hallways, and I do, but I don’t like the looks that I get from it. I want to feel comfortable being who I am. I hate to say it, but sometimes I feel like my own friends are judging me. I feel a constant burning in my mind. I hate how I am the youngest. They are going to be out doing shit all together and where will Janelle be? At home, because she isn’t legal. Will Janelle get to go to Canada? No. Will Janelle get to go skydiving? No. Does Janelle get to go out and party in the clubs? No. I feel like I am kind of a tag a long in my group. Next year my best friend will be gone. She’ll be in college and she will have Erica and Sarah to talk to. She won’t need me. Ron will be god knows where. Gabs will have work and school. Heiress is leaving. I feel like all my lifeboats are sinking. I think that I know how the people on the titanic felt. Maybe not, but I feel so alone sometimes. I have so many things that I want to say and I want to talk about, but I can’t because I know my friends. I know that all I will get is some smart ass remark and a frown. I feel like I still have to impress them. There is a chalkboard in my mind where there are tallies marks for when I mess up. I know that I have messed up when I am being yelled at. Another down fall of being the baby. I am talked down to a lot and I made feel like I don’t know anything. I hate it. I don’t know. I feel like I need to make the best of everything considering I will be alone next year.
I don’t know what I was looking for with this, but I hope that it made something in my mind click.
<3Marilyn Manson!
Filed under: Insight
I have no life. I am sitting here doing nothing. The sad thing is that I do this a lot. Most weekends I sit at the computer and do nothing. I go on Facebook, Myspace, and WordPress and that is about it. I actually wonder if people even read these posts. I know that my friend Krissy does and the random people that comment, but does anyone even read it? Am I writing a post to a personless audience? God. I’m such a loser. I need to get a life. What kind of person do you know that complains about having no one to hang out with and when someone asks her if she wants to hang out she says no. I am so lame. Ron asked me to hang out like 4 times, but I don’t want to hang out with him. I am so sick of his MY way or NOTHING attitude. Want I have with him doesn’t seem like a friendship anymore. It’s more like ME giving and he is simply gracing me with his presence. Ugh. Not only am I lame I am complaining to the fucking internet. No one cares Janelle. Thats what someone should comment on here. Atleast then atleast I would know that the people who read this are honest. Besides, who just randomly reads people’s posts? I don’t. I think that I should start doing that. Then I can know if there are other people who write about the same stupid shit that I write about. Ugh. LOSER. LOSER. LOSER. I wish that having a life was like planting a tree. All you do it plant it and in a little while you have grown one. That’s what I need to do. Grow a life Janelle.
