I can’t stop thinking about this guy. His name is Trevor and I met him this summer. I thought that he was hot this summer, but I never thought that anything would ever come of it because I didn’t think that he had ANY interest in me whatsoever. He was my counselor this summer when I went to church camp. I got his phone number before we left camp. I was in heaven man. A few months went by I hadn’t talked to him in awhile so one day I am looking in my phonebook and I stumble across his number. I don’t know what made me do it, but I got the urge to call him. So I did. He answers and is all like freaking out because I haven’t talked to him in a really long time, but it was nice to feel like I was missed. You know? He is such a nice guy and I really have missed him. We talked for a little while and then he had to go so I was sad, but what can I do? Seem whiny and desperate and say…No, don’t go? Yesterday, he called me. I was so giddy. The first time he called me I was just leaving art club and was waiting for the late bus. I missed the call because I didn’t feel the vibrate, but like a minute later I checked my phone and saw that he had called so I called him back. We talked about the normal stuff, cars, school, how awesome he is =], and stuff like that. Nothing deep. He was at work when he called me so he had to go and before we hung up he said that I should call him later. I was going to, but I didn’t know when. I thought about him a lot. He called me later at around 7 and we talked for awhile, but instead of just the normal shit stuff he asked me how my boyfriend was? So I said ,”What boyfriend? The fake one that I think about all the time?” LMAO. He says ,”Who? Me?” It was so cute. I wanted to be like, yes…. but that would have been weird because I didn’t know if he had any feelings for me. He was KIND OF close to my home, but not really. My house is like 20 minutes out of his way. He asked if he could come over. I think that at that moment I wanted to float. I haden’t seen him in months! I think that the thing that made me so happy was the fact that he WANTED to come over and hang out with me. When he came over to was really cool. We talked, listened to music, bullshited, flirted. Slowly, we started to like really flirt and he layed down on the couch next to me and it was nice. It was nice to feel wanted. To cut it short, we hooked-up. We didn’t have sex, but we would have if my mom hadn’t said that she thought that he should leave because she heard my bedroom door close. I feel so good. He wanted me. He was attracted to me. He likes me. I don’t get that often. I am so down on myself that I don’t really think that many people see me in that light. All I could think about today was him. I wanted to tell everyone that I saw that he liked me and what had happened last night. I wanted to scream it. I get butterflies when I think about him and I feel the way I did when he came over. I want him to come over all the time. I want him to be near me so I can feel like this all the time. I can’t remember the last time I felt like this about a guy. He is almost perfect….but of course there are things that are downfalls.
1.) He is 19.
2.) He lives in Flint.
3.) He works a lot.
4.) He kind of has a girlfriend.
I think that I can work around almost all of them, except number 4. Her name is Rhio and she seems like a sweet girl. She loves him and I feel kinda bad, but they aren’t really “dating”. She called him a couple times when he was over and I kinda felt bad that he didn’t answer. She thought that he was at work…. =[ I don't know. I can't deny what I feel for him and what happened, but I feel like I am getting into the same situation that I got myself into this summer. I got emotionally attached to a guy that only seemed to want a hook-up. Yet, on the other hand I feel like I over analyzing this. I like him, he likes me. It's simple right? No, never. I could never have it that easy. I guess that the only thing that I can do is wait and see what happens. I hope something good. He is supposed to come over this weekend, but I think that my brother is going to be home. He seems to ruin everything sometimes.
I wish me luck =]
Filed under: Insight
I have been having extremely dreams lately. Bad things happen in them. The most disturbing one was one I had a couple nights ago. The world is ending and it is all my fault. One of those creppy men is following me around saying that because of my sins the whole earth will burn in hell. Then I am wearing a shirt that is advocating virginity. I feel so dirty in the dream. I don’t know if this is my minds way of telling me that I feel guilty for all the “sins” I have commited. The thing that is strange is that I don’t really believe in “sins”. I think that there are things that people do wrong in the world, but nothing so bad that you deserve to spend your whole afterlife in a firey pit. In the dream…. I am running and running trying to find a way out of the city and I seem to be meeting all these people and because of me they all die. I met a man who helped me get to my house and he dies when someone kills him because they have no food. I met a woman who gave me somewhere to sleep and because she met me the crazy man that was following me and he killed her sons. Also, everyone seems to be pointing out the fact the because of my shirt I am a liar. I think that this is me feeling quilty for having sex with someone that I don’t love. A lot of things in this dream confuse me, but I kind of like it. Because it is so strange it is causing me to rethink a lot of things and change the things in my life that I don’t think are okay anymore. I don’t know anymore.
Filed under: love | Tags: couples, love, problems, Relationships, television
I have been watching a lot of dating shows lately. I have come to notice a few things. 1. People become mean people when they are in reletionships. 2. They are usually the meanest to the person they are in the relationship with. 3. People become really obsessive and jelous when they get into a relationship. 4. All this could be me being reatarded. I don’t know. I made most of these observations while I was watching True Life on MTV. These people had been in a relationship for like 3 years and the boy was in college. The only problem was that the girl was still in high school and she was paranoid. I guess they had cheated on each other in the past, but they had said that they had forgiven one another. If so, why were they being total asses to each other? I wonder if I would feel different if I was in a relationship. The other couple sat there and argued for no reason. Like this guy’s girlfriend freaked because she found out that he had been in the presence of a girl and hadn’t told her. Stuff like that, I’m not going to lie, makes me laugh. I don’t uderstand how someone can be in a relationship with someone that you don’t trust. I get that a lot of people want to hold onto that love, but c’mon. You probally won’t trust that person again, or atleast not fully.
These observations made me think about my past relationships. I don’t think that I have had that many. I have had many many many crushes and there has been a lot of flirting, but nothing serious. Here are my past relationships.
1. Drew Depauw — God, this kid was my first love. I think that I will always love him. I wasn’t jelous when I was with him, atleast I don’t THINK that I was. He was soo adorable and such a sweetheart. I was with him almost all of Middle School. I haven’t talked to him in awhile. I don’t know why, but I can’t seem to get up the nerve to call him and talk to again. I wish that I could, but for some reason I feel like if I start a relationship with him again, even a friendship, I will get hurt again. We ended it, more like he ended it, because I moved. He wasn’t wiling to make it work. I don’t know. Maybe we were like the relationships on television. Maybe he hurt me because he cared? I don’t know. All I know is that I still love him and I think that somewhere in my heart I always will.
2. Robert Brown — I don’t even know why I dated this kid. He was a nice guy and all, but he was kind of a pervert. He was the kind of guy that asks out like every girl in school and once in awhile someone will say yes. I should have known from the beginning that the relationships was doomed. I didn’t even agree to go out with him. He asked me out and a friend (some friend) went and told him that I would go out with him. He was so excited that I didn’t have the heart to break it off with him. After we started it wasn’t so bad. He told like everyone that I was his girlfriend and everyone preceeded to laugh at me and act like an ass. You have to understand, he was a grade ahead of me. I think that he expected more from me. After awhile I started to feel gross even looking at him. He liked to touch and feel me up like under tables. I got to the point, if he was in a room I wouldn’t sit down and I would make sure that he was in clear view of someone. I broke up with him in the end. I felt like such an asshole. He wrote me notes saying that he was in love with me and that he wanted to be with me longer than we were. I did feel really bad, but then I was just scared when he started telling me that he had no reason to live anymore and was contimplating suicide. I haven’t talked to Robert in years and I don’t think that I will anytime soon.
3. Stephen Caver — I don’t even know where to start with this one. This is my most recent relationship. We broke up because I couldn’t deal with the pressure. A lot of stuff was going on in my life and his life and I couldn’t take it. I think sometimes that he loved me. I think that I loved him too. I don’t think that we will ever know. I still talk to him all the time, but it seems that since we broke up he has gone off the deep end. About a month or so ago I came to feel regret. I missed being with him. I wanted to be with him, but I couldn’t because he is in a new relationships and they really seem to care about each other. I am happy for him I just wish that we could have worked. We were really close also. He was my best friend and I told him everything. I suppose you could say that we had an almost perfect relationship. But, that’s it….almost a perfect relationship.
These are my relationships. Maybe I am like the people on television. I’m not sure. Help?
