Filed under: Insight
Nothing is perfect. No human. No creature. No plant. Not even God. If he was so god damn perfect then he wouldn’t have invented the human race. We are so stupid. We are fucking ourselves over. We are sex addicts and now we have AIDS, HIV and all these other STDs that everyone is fucking dieing from, but still we continue to have unprotected sex with multipal people. We are making wars that will not effect the future and that started over petty shit. We think that the president is some big hero to the United States. He’s not. I bet this favorite and most often hobby is sitting on his fucking ass eating twinkies. If he was actually doing shit for the world, he would end this pointless ass war and bring all the innocent men howe who are dieing everyday so he can look like a fucking big shot. We think that the world will never end, so we sit on our asses while everyone determines our destiny. We put all these toxins in the air…and we wonder why the world is getting fucked up. Don’t play dumb. You know what the fuck is going on. We act the like we are fucking retards. We CHOOSE to be uninformed and then say,”Oh my, how can we have things happening out there,” when you know clear as day that we have fucked up people in this world and shit happens, or, “But, he was always so happy,” when some kid bows his fucking brains out and slits his wrists or kills someone else. We are so obsesssed with what people look like on the outside that we never take the time to get to know anyone. The few people that we do get to know, then become our lives. We never feel the need to expand and become part of other people. Then we have the nerve to tell our kids that they need to make more friends. Maybe your kid doesn’t want anymore fucking friends, maybe they are like you…and don’t feel the need to. We are so ignorant. We think that the world is so safe. We are all so shocked when so innocent person is raped. Once again, we have so many fucked up people in this world. Rapists, murderers, liars, cheaters, con artists. If we were all created in god’s image that speaks lowly of “him”. He must then be a lieing, cheating, conning, killing, pervert. Yeah, I would deffidently like to pray to someone like that. We believe in something that we can’t see, that we can’t touch, that we can’t prove is real. We think that it is healthy to sit in a room with people who believe EXACTLY what we do, think exactly like we do, and then pray to an imaginary being in the EXACT same week everytime. We frown upon people who try to change things and make something that was once looked down upon and make it acceptable. Yet, we do the exact same thing. Once upon a time…wearing clothes and mowing a lawn was thought to be abnormal and was looked down on. We make the smallest things into this “sin” shit. Saying shit is a sin. Praying in a different way is a sin. Having sex is a sin. Thinking about sex is a sin. Loving someone is a sin. What the fuck??!?!?!? Fuck that. I am who I am and I don’t give a shit what is a sin. I will do what makes me happy. I don’t get a shit if someone wants to judge me and my lifestyle. We judge people and how they live. Gay is wrong, Smoking is wrong, Being single is wrong. We should let people act how they want. They aren’t breaking laws, let them be. We are all hypocrites and I am no different. A lot of the shit I bitch about, I am the problem of. I am ignorant. I am surprised when I hear someone is raped. I support this bogis war. I think the world will never end. I am a hypocrite.
Fuck it. Fuck it all.
Some kids in my 7th hour were talking about the rainbow on friday. It kind of mad me mad that these girls are so ignorant as to say that only gay people can wear the rainbow. That is such a generalzation. Eveyone can wear the rainbow. Ugh. The rainbow is supposed to represent the unity of differences. How can people say and do things such as this. A thing that I don’t understand is why everyone is always saying that beig gay is so wrong. We love just as you do. I’m done. Fuckit.
Everything in my life seems to make me feel like I am slowly loosing myself. I am becoming less and less excited about life. I used to be happy that I thought that my life was almost perfect. I don’t have that feeling anymore. I broke down the other night. My brother came over and was being an asshole (which is normal). It was over something soo stupid. He took the remote from me…Then starting playing a really shitty Chris Brown song on the computer. I don’t know what came over me. The tears just came out. i ran into my room and tried to call Darian, but I could barely talk so I hung up. When I was sitting on my bed, Brian came in. Strangely, he made me feel a lot better. Maybe, it’s just nice to hear the things you need to hear from someone that you would never think would say it, but you’ve always wanted them to. He understands what I mean. He knows what it’s like to hit rock bottom. The chat made me feel good…kinda. He told me that he loved me (in a family way) and I was so shocked. I am I know that he loves me, I just never expected him to tell me. He really is a sweet guy and I am glad that he is in my life.
I have tried to commit suicide before. I felt like life wasn’t worth living anymore. I am just sooo scared that I am going to go back to that point again. Never again do I want to feel the glide of the blade and the warmth of the blood on my wrist. I’m just so confused. Everything I am feeling is contradicting. One day I feel like I am so alone, the next I feel like I am being choked by people. I feel like my soul is cold and no one wants to be near me, then I feel overly confident. What makes it worse is the fact that not only how I am feeling is conflicting…Who I AM is conflicting. I act as though I am this happy, bright, confident person, but I’m not. I expect the worst, think I’m a piece of shit, and want to die.
I just can’t let myself go back down to that place. I don’t want to die again…not to the point where I try.
