LadyBug.

So many things are happening right now. I feel like I don’t know exactly what to do all the time, but I also have seen that I don’t really know how to feel about it. On one end I hate having no control over anything, but on the other it’s nice to know how much my faith is kicking in. These couple days have been the hardest to deal with. In the last day I have had to suck up my pride and tell the boy I like that it’s okay he wants someone else, come to the realization that maybe everything I had planned isn’t going to happen, and finally notice that the goals I had set for Senior year aren’t all going to happen.

1. Pride, sucking it up. Dave. I know I haven’t talked about him in awhile, but it’s something that has been bothering me. He is a great guy and I really like him, but to be honest he pisses me off A LOT. He doesn’t think about the things he says and how they sound when they come out. I can’t explain it though… I really do like him. The bump in this situation though is that he likes someone else. Some girl… I don’t know her name, but he seems to really like her. I don’t want to be that girl that stands in the way and makes a big deal. I mean, he says that he likes me, but he also likes her too. What can I do? Nothing. I can’t do anything about it now. All I can do is be that awesome girl that he like loves in the end. I want him to see how amazing I am. Yesterday he made it his status on facebook that I am the coolest person he knows. He just got a twitter too and the first thing he tweeted was “she asked me to be her Valentine” It was about me I just hope that it all works out. I know it will.
2. When I say that maybe everything I had planned isn’t going to happen, I mean MSU. I know that it’s a little early to become so pesamistic, but I can’t help it. I got an email from Glen Broughs, a man in the admissions office at MSU. His email says:

Janelle-
 
Congratulations on your admission to Michigan State University.
 
I have received your written request to transfer your Wade H. McCree, Jr. Incentive Scholarship to MSU.  As you know from being a Wade McCree scholar, you were assigned to one of the participating universities in your freshman year of high school. What you may not know is that each university is responsible for totally funding the scholarships for the recipients assigned to them. In other words, there is no central Wade McCree account from which students can move funding from one institution to another. Over the years, MSU allowed students assigned to other schools to “transfer” their awards, but most Wade McCree scholars who were originally assigned to MSU never received the full amount of gift aid they had expected from Michigan State. As a result, MSU is examining funding sources to determine if we can better support those students first. At this time, we have not yet identified those sources, and until we do, we are not able to commit to any “transfer” requests from students assigned to other universities. I will place your name on a list of students interested in being considered for Wade McCree funding from MSU for Fall 2010. As information becomes available, we will contact you with updates.
 
In the meantime, I wish you the best with your senior year. If you have not already done so, please initiate the admissions application process to UofM-Dearborn in case we are not able to fund your Wade McCree Scholarship at MSU. Feel free to contact me if you have any further questions.

Sincerely, Glen Brough.

I suppose you could understand where this would get me down. I NEED this Scholarship. I NEED it. I basically can’t go to MSU without it. Not unless FAFSA pays for all of it and I get grants. I just hope that it all works out, but like the Dave thing, I have more faith in the Lord with this one. I can’t really do all that much on my own, like I can with Dave. I wrote him back telling him how much I need it and how much it means to me that he is trying. All I can do at this point is put all my faith in God and know that he will come through for me.

         3. Noticing that not all the things I had planned for Senior year are going to happen either. One of the things I wrote on my list for Senior year was spending time with Mel, Wes, and Emily, but lately it feels like we  are all strangers. We used to all eat lunch together. Now, Emily and her girlfriend Tyler eat lunch at one table, Wes eats at another, and me and Mel eat at another. I can’t tell you the last time I hung out with one of them let alone all of us together. I feel like our “fab four” is falling apart. We are barely friends anymore. I honestly can’t deal with that right now. I feel like I am losing so many friends right now. I feel like I haven’t been a good friend and that no one cares to try and be mine.

Fuck this. All this worrying is for nothing. I am safe in the arms of His love and thats all I need.

ROAR!

Well, this weekend had some good points and some bad points. Sadly, there were more bad than good. This last week or so I have left like I don’t even know who I am anymore. I don’t feel like me. I don’t feel like I deserve to be alive. This week/weekend has been me constantly praying and hoping that this negativeness will go away. That I will wake up and feel like me, like I should. I feel like I don’t know what to think or say or do anymore. I’m just a little lost and I’m trying to take some time to find out who I am. Right now, I’m in a hard place where I am dealing with things that are very new to me. I’ve never had no control over my feelings. I’ve never missed someone like I miss him. I’ve never hated myself so much for missing him. I’ve never had to forgive myself. I’ve never made so many mistakes and regretted them to boot. I’ve always said that I live life with no regrets, but lately, I have been regretting things more and more. 

I know this sound cheesy, but it seems as of late the only thing I can turn to is music. There are some people that listen and help a little and there are some people that couldn’t care less about me and what I’m dealing with. I don’t know how to explain it either so I suppose in the end, the people that don’t care are helping by not talking to me. This is allowing me time to look inside me and have to handle this on my own. I’ve dealt with my fair share of things on my own, but I haven’t in a long time. I haven’t needed to.

I feel like I am losing my importance to certain people. I’m not the first to know anymore. I’m not the only who they turn to for advice. I’m not the comforting shoulder anymore. This could be another reason I feel empty. I feel like inside of me, I was put on this earth to help people and that is all. I am here to spread my idea of peace and love with the world. I want nothing more than to help people and now that no one is turning to me for advice or help, I don’t know what to do with myself. I feel like my purpose in life has kinda been stolen and I just want it back. Lord, please help me get it back.

I would also like to take this time to say sorry to the people I haven’t been such a good friend to lately. I know it’s selfish of me to blow you off so I can focus on me. I know I’ve been kind of a jerk and I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry for not being there when it meant so much to you. I’m sorry I can’t fix everything for you. I’m sorry I’ve been a pretty shitty friend as of late. Please just remember that I love you and I always will. In the end, regardless of relationship problems, petty fights, or temporary nonbestie behavior, I will always be here. I will always be your best friend and you will be mine. I’m sorry that I haven’t been showing you that promise these last couple weeks. I’ve been a jerk and it was wrong of me. I can’t explain anymore because to be honest, I don’t know why I’m acting this way.

iloveyou.

Can’t Stand It.

I feel like I don’t know whats even going on with my life. When it comes to the basics, I think I have it down, but it’s the little things that don’t make sense to me anymore. I think I’ve got college and a couple years after that figured out, but I don’t know what the hell I am going to do for prom and thats in six months. It just feels like I am so lost and everything I thought I understood is different now. I don’t have the same friends I used to. I don’t talk to the same people all the time. I’m not as confident in classes anymore. I’m lost in some of them actually. I don’t even eat lunch with the same people anymore. It used to be something I looked forward to so much, and now it feels like it’s all crumpling.

I just feel like I am losing my passion for life and I don’t even want to get up in the morning or do anything. I don’t want to leave my bed most of the time. I just wish I was in college now working towards my furture, instead of in this akward transition period.

I just wanna go to college and graduate and join the Peace Corps.

Pain.

Sometimes I have rather morbid thoughts. Today I had one. As I was driving home from MSU, the thought of driving into the wall of the freeway crossed my mind. Now, PLEASE do not take this as me having suicial thoughts; it’s something I would never try again, but every once in awhile, the thought crosses my mind. I mean, I’m kinda dying to know what the after life is like, what God is like, what heaven is like.

^^^^^ This is old. I had more, but it didn’t save and I don’t feel like re-typing it.^^^^^

Gotta Party Like a Sparty Babbyyy.

MSU, HERE I COME!!!!! I am so pumped to be going up to State tonight… Actually, I’m leaving in about an hour. Can’t wait to see Sarah and Lorenzo and Rachel. I can’t wait for that to be my life next year <3 I feel like a kid in a candy shop right now!

According To You.

Well. Today was the first day of finals. AP Biology and Beginning Calc. I already got my AP Bio grade back; 85%!!! I don’t know the last time I jumped up and down for a B. Lol. I hope it’s not something I get used to, but in this case, I didn’t study and while I was taking the test I didn’t feel like I understood most of the information. Beg Calc was pretty okay. I feel confident in the thought that I got an A, but it’s possible I didn’t. I tend to think that I either worse or better than I did. Last week, I thought I was going to fail my AP Government Test becuase I hadn’t read the chapter, but I ended up getting a B. I really do hope I got an A on my math final though… I really need it. I don’t want my gpa to drop.

I’m going to watch Youth in Revolt now.

2010.

New Year.

New Boy.

More Fun.

I would like to now take this time out to say that I love Steven Anderson <3 He is amazing and sometimes, I can’t imagine my life without him. I know sometimes he can be a jerk, but he’s just honest and I know it’s only because he loves me. Only guy thats ever actually cared about my feelings. We’ve had the rough patched but they never last and boy am I glad, I couldn’t handle  never talking to him.

I LOVE YOU STEVEN ANDERSON.

P.S. One day you are going to realize you are in love with me and you don’t know how you made it without me :p

Two Words.

You know how sometimes people say rather small things that make a huge crash on certain people. I just read one of the blogs that Bradlee wrote on the Party Like Summer Myspace an I feel like my soul has been ripped out and typed by someone else. I just want other people to read it too. He amazes me pretty much all the time. He wrote:

“I woke up this morning and there was a piece of paper on my floor.
Scribbled on it just two words, “don’t worry”.
I’m not sure exactly when, or if, i wrote this.
But i do know it bugged me a ton.

I thought about those two words all day and came to this conclusion;
Sometimes it seems as a society we spend far to much time worrying about silly stuff.
We tend to over look life’s little beauties because were so wrapped in all of the drama.
Every little thing that we do from switching on a light switch and having the light turn on,
to taking a deep breath and the air around us having just the right amount of gasses for our lungs to filter it thus giving our bodies essential oxygen.
All these things are tiny little miracles that should bring us a ton of joy, but we overlook because were too busy worry.”

Desperately.

My life is getting too complicated and fucked up and it’s no one’s fault but my own. I feel like I am taking steps both forward and backward. Rome wasn’t built in a day right? There is no way I can completely change in one day right? I don’t know.. this shouldn’t be something that is hard. If you don’t want to kiss someone, don’t. The thing is though, sometimes I WANT to kiss him, but I know I can’t. I have to remember that sometimes, there are things way more important than a boy. The other thing that makes this harder on me is that, I put myself in the situations where I look like the tease because I said he could come over. I sat in the car with him. I let him hold my hand. He just wouldn’t listen when I said stop, when I said no, when I moved his hand. I wanted to kiss him so bad, but I can’t deal with the reprocussions if anyone ever found out.

I am being stupid, I was right for not letting him kiss me because that always leads to more and that not what I wanted to happen. I feel like I don’t have the will power though and if it had started, I’m not sure I could have stopped him. He doesn’t seem to understand that I don’t want some random guy to hook up with, I already have those. I want a guy who wants to hold me and take me out and DATE me… be in a RELATIONSHIP with me. Why would I even waste my time on a boy who will never be with me. It makes it so much harder to say no when he tell me that I’m beautiful and that my body is perfect… It’s like he knows exactly the buttons to push to make me want to say yes to him. He knows I am insecure about how I look so he plays on that. It’s not fair.

In the end, tonight was both horrible and wonderful in a way. It was horrible because I feel horrible and wish it had never happened. It was wonderful because I stood my ground  and didn’t go where I didn’t want to go. This is the first step in changing who I am and getting rid of bad habits.