Well, I am trying to move on now. I sent Drew a message telling him that I was done with all the drama and that I couldn’t take it. I wasn’t going to let him break my heart again. That I just WOULDN’T do it. I am kind of sad that it’s coming to an end. I feel like there is so much that I want to have with him. I want him to be someone that I can look back on and be like “wow … he was an amazing person and he really did change my life for the better.” Too bad that I can’t really do that. It seems like he will be the person that changed me the best and make me grow up the most. I have learned about myself from being with him. I have learned that I deserve better than someone who doesn’t treat me like a person. I learned that I shouldn’t have to come second to someone. I learned that not everyone that says that they love me will mean it. I don’t know how I feel about it all though. I would like to think that he did love me when he sent it, but the actions never really backed up the feelings.
Now I am on to new and better things. Mike, a friend of mine is attempting to hook me up with him friend Mark. It came from a random text asking me whats up. I know Mike and I know that since I don’t talk to him on text often, let alone when he starts it, that something had to be up. I then asked him why he was talking to me. He denied having motives, but I said that I knew him better than that. I was a little confused when he asked me how my boyfriend was. I told him that he was about to be dumped…why? He said that his friend was interested in me. Apparently they were looking at cute girls on facebook and I came up. I was kinda like when did I enter the “cute girls” section. Well actually I was like “I’m on the cute girls list?” He was like of course. Long story short his friend is going to call me or something during some course of the week. I was a little confused when I asked if he was going to do the whole typcial … call me … ask me out … take me out … thing. Mike’s answer was “Or you could fuck and see where that takes you.” I said no.
I am soooo done with the meaningless hookups.
I know it’s shallow, but I hope it isn’t the guy I say on his facebook. He was ugly…
I am starting to think that I don’t have a boyfriend anymore. I feel like soon is going to be the time when I detox from Drew. I take him off of my myspace page. Delete the pictures from my phone. Remove him from top friends. Delete all the lovie text messages I saved. Take the pictures off my walls. I don’t know. It just feels like we aren’t anything anymore. PLUS. Something tells me that he isn’t to worried about getting to me when he is obviously saying something to Lizzy. I know this because when I went onto his page, there was a comment from her saying “I thought that you have a girlfriend” and “I can’t do that to my boyfriend.”
I just don’t want to deal with his drama anymore.
Why is it that when people come back into my life they have to do it all at once? Now that Drew is back, guess who came back? Trevor. Yup. The camp counselor I hooked up with after camp. That’s the one. I think that I have brought this one upon myself though. I sent him a message on Facebook just joking thinking that he wouldn’t answer because he never does. All I said was “I’m starting to think that I was a one night stand … Hmmmm.” That was ALL that I said. I sent that message on June 26th and now, yesterday, on June 8th he messages me back. I couldn’t believe that he actually answered me. I was kinda shocked. He said that he was sorry and that I wasn’t a one night stand. He then went on to explain how his parents kicked him out so he was living with Rhio (his gf) and then she went all crazy and broke up with him. Of course if they are broken up they can no longer live together like a happy little couple. She kicked him out … You had to have seen that coming … Now he is back at home with his folks and the computer.
I don’t know how to feel about this situation. If I really am looking for someone who won’t do what Drew did. It doesn’t seen like Trevor is the best canidate. He is more or less the same package plus a car and experience. I know that he has cheated before because it was with me. He cheated on Rhio with me. He has done the whole not talking for months thing. The other thing is that he is older. He is about to be 20. He is more in tune with who he is. I love that about him. He is really confident. I have talked about this before with Wesley and it is a proven fact that I like the overly confident-cocky guys, but all of them have an insecure side that I see when I get to know them. Trevor is no different. I don’t know man.
I think about it and it’s a complicated situation.
Pros
Cons
Now do you see the problem? I have exactly as many Pros as I have Cons. I feel like I am getting a little ahead of myself here. Lets see if it goes anymore with either Drew or Trevor …
Well, it’s happened again. Someone who knows that I am bisexual thinks that I have turned some poor straight girl OR that any girl I am hanging out with is automatically my girlfriend. This has happened many times before, but for some reason, I never thought that it would happen with Wesley. I am not all that surprised though. Don’t worry Wes, it’s happened to the best =].
Nada: There is no way that I could not love this girl and if she were gay/bi then I would want to be with her, but shes not. This does not stop the people at school from assuming that we are together. I understand where they could get that idea though. We hug all the time. I kiss her on the cheek, she kisses me on the cheek. We hold hands in the hall way. We are married on Facebook. I call her my wifey. I even got her a ring and proposed to her in the middle of the hallway. I love her and I can’t stop people from thinking what they think, but we are NOT together and she is not gay. Heh … I have been asked by many people if we are though.
Krissy: This has only happened one time and I don’t think that I really understood it at the time. I was in the hallway after school with my friend Taliba. She went to talk to this girl that I kinda knew and when I said something about I had to go see Krissy along with a hello she said “oh yeah, aren’t you with Krissy?’. I was highly confused about what was going on. I was like …. umm. No. She is waiting for me by the tennis courts, she’s not with me. Then she laughed and was like, “No, aren’t you guys together?” I was shocked. No one had ever said anything about me and Krissy. The girl is my best friend for pete’s sake. Not my girlfriend. I then started to laugh like a fucking crazy nut. In between breathing and laughing I managed to say. ”No…She’s…my…best…friend!…” Hehe. I still think that it is a little funny considering that Krissy is as straight as they come (except when you give her alcohol ;] Heh).
Joie: During school she is the person that I probally talk most to. She was in a couple of my classes and I eat lunch with her. She has a boyfriend named Chris who is a jackass, but that’s for a different day. Anyway, on the National Day of Silence I was wearing duct tape on my mouth to make a statement. She couldn’t do the whole not talking for one say thing, but she still wanted to support. She decided to take my roll of duct tape and write “YAY GAY!” on a peice. Then she put it on her stomach. I guess some girl saw me, my rainbow, her, her duct tape, in the hall, talking, laughing. When I walked away said girl went up to Joie and said “Are you her girlfriend?” Joie laughed and said no. Then when she told me about it in 7th hour I had a nice silent chuckle because I couldn’t actually talk. HEHE. Now we have a think where she calls me her NOT girlfriend. I love her, she cool.
FINAL … for now.
Wesley: She is my bestie man and since we (mostly she) is busy during the week we do a weekly movie night so that we have to see each other once atleast once a week. I mean we talk on the phone all the time and on AIM, but this is to make sure that we have Janelle/Wesley time each week. Our solution to this was “Tuesday Night Movies”. This is where she comes to my house on tuesday nights, we walk to CVS to buy junkfood, and then walk to the movies. Well, yesterday we went to see Hancock, which was majorly good by the way, and on our way out of the bathroom I run into Brandon Thompson. I haven’t seen him in awhile so I hug him, squeeze his ass and ask him how he is. We talk a little. Then he says something about how he would rather be with a bi girl than a lesbian because it’s more fun for him. I was like, “I’m not a lesbian…I’m bi.” Then he kinda silently gestured towards Wesley. It then clicks that he thinks that I am here ON A DATE with Wesley. I laugh and explain that she is one my bestie and that this is like me coming to the movies with Kris. He chuckles and then has to go. I feel a little bad because Wesley was totally embarassed and I just laughed it off. Sorry:[. I guess I’m just used to it by now.
Why is it that I can’t just be friends with a girl and no one thinks that we are a couple? Hmm … I think people WANT more lesbians. Hehe. As if.
What do you do when you have a really strong feeling that you are being lied to, but you have nothing to go on except instincts. This is exactly how I feel in the case of Drew. He is back from juvie/youth home and he has been sending me messages on Myspace. The thing that is eating at me is that nothing makes sense. I touched on this yesterday with my mini-blog. The thing is that if he is back. Wherer is he?
I didn’t know if it was the smartest idea, but … I texted Drew when I found out that he was home. Well, I THOUGHT that he was home. All I said was ”Hey :]” and from this I got a phone call from Drew’s mom. I kinda freaked out. When she said that Drew was away for six months I kinda freaked a little. I wanted to be like… “ummm. I heard that he was back and thought he had his phone,” but I used the noodle and something tells me that if his mom was still saying that he was away then there was a reason. I don’t know the reason, but I’m sure there is one. So… He is back, but not HOME? There are so many things that are racing in my mind and all of them tell me that I am crazy insane. I have come up with many ideas on what is really going on and it seems that none of them make much sense. 1. Drew broke out of where he was staying and his mom doesn’t know it. 2. Drew broke out of where he is and his mom knows, but doesn’t want to tell me. 3. Drew somehow found a computer where ever he is and is lying to everyone about being back. 4. Drew and his mom are both crazy and have been flat out lying to me this whole time. 5. I am paranoid and I don’t have the whole story so I am jumping to conclusions.
The only one that makes ANY kind of sense to me is numero five. This is more than likely my best choice. I really do feel like I am being lied to though. I don’t know. I just feel like I don’t know Drew anymore. How can you love something with all that you are and know nothing about them. Well, I DO know him, but not the way you should when you are in love. I know his middle name. I know his favorite band. I know him birthday. I know he doesn’t get along with his parents. I know some of his friends. I know where he went to middle school. I know where he went to elementary school. I know all his ex girlfriends. I know some of the issues he has with his rentals. I know he loves hanging out with his grandfather. I know he is an amazing skateboarder. I know that he used to be the shortest kid in class. I know his favorite song. I love that he loves me. I know that I love him. The last two sentences, these should be the things that matter right? They do, they just feel like they don’t.
I know all these little things, but I want the big ones. I want to know WHY he ran away. I want to know where he is. I want to know why is would cheat on me. I want to know want he wants to do with his life. I want to know how he feels about college. I want to know why he didn’t call me. I want to know what is inside his head. There are so many things that I want to know and so many things that I feel like I need to know. I don’t know whether or not I actually DO, but I feel like it’s something that is important. The only way that I will ever know any of these things is by talking to him, but I don’t know how I am going to do that. How can I love someone who didn’t call for two months?
What did I do that deserved to be ignored for two months? I just miss him and I love him. I miss knowing everything about him.
It’s just really really hard to go from knowing everything about someone to feel like they are a complete stranger to you. I feel like I have been so clueless.
Well, I just got some strange news. Angela just sent me a text saying that Drew is back…that he’s NOT in juvie. Hmmm. Not one part of this situatuion makes sense though…
I keep having some really weird dreams. My latest is last night’s. It all started off with me and some friends in the school auditorium during an assembly. I suppose someone had died because thats what we were talking about. We were talking about who killed him. I think that we all knew who did, but couldn’t prove it or something like that. So after the assembly, we all went and huddled so that we would gossip. DUH. Even in dreams man. High School never changes.
After the assembly we went outside and it was like a racial war zone. The Mexicans were on one side, asians on another, and whites kinda there. It was really weird though. They were all selling something. The mexicans were selling burritos. The asians were trying to get people to buy little bhuddas and come to their house to pray for the dead kid. Also, they said that tonight, they were going to talk to the spirits and that they were going to tell them who killed him. Since I’m not into the religion thing … I went over to the Mexican’s booth/table thing. I got a burrito and took a bite. It was really really good and of course, I then asked how much it cost me. Then the tiny mexican man turns to me and says:
“Three Two.”
*confusion*
“Three Twenty?”
“No, Three Two.”
“Thirty Two?”
*nod*
I then proceed to freak out, like I would, and tell him that there is no way that I am going to pay $32 for a fucking burrito. I give him back the burrito and tell that he can keep it. Everyone starts to get a little anxious then … People are running around, Mexicans are speaking spanish, Chickens come out of nowhere and start running into people. It’s very strange and chaotic. The mexican man is threatening me and then says “You will pay for this or you will die.” It kinda freaked me out, but I wasn’t thinking that he was serious.
You can now tell that because of that last sentence, he was. I go home and about an hour or two later they show up. I tell my mom (who is like supermodel sexy) to hide somewhere. I don’t know where to go though. All I do is hide in a pile of clothes and breathe REALLY slow. Four tres large men walk into my room looking for me. They look everywhere and can’t find me. They say “God, it’s messy in here,” and one the other men are like “Yeah, but that’s normal for a teenager.” It was strange. They were seeming human instead of the giants who were sent to kill me for not paying for a burrito.
One of the guys goes into my closet and when he can’t find me he comes back out, but not for long. The leader looking guys pushes him back in and says to look low and don’t come out till the closet is fully searched. I don’t know why, but right when they leave the room I go to get up and forget that the other man is still in my closet. As I am getting up though, the guy opens the door and hits me. I fall onto the ground and he starts freaking out. This is when I wake up. I mean, atleast I didn’t die…
I don’t know where she went, but I remember being with a friend when the men pulled in the the truck.
This either means I am scared of something or I REALLY want a well priced burrito.
Well, today is YET another holiday that I will be spending alone. Just like New Years. This fourth of July I will be alone. I don’t really know why I am so upset though, it’s nothing new. I can’t even remember what I did last year for fourth of July. Probally nothing, maybe I did something with my friends. I don’t know. I wish I could do something with people, but I have run out of options.
Krissy - In Las Vegas until Tuesday.
Wesley - In Ohio for a family function.
Mom - Work and then dinner with Greg.
Bruce - BBQ at Kelly’s.
Drew - Still in Juive :[
Everyone else - No one else has contacted me.
It is sad that I only have four reasonable options to begin with.
Looks like this fourth of July is going to be Milk Duds, Carbonated drinks, and a marathon of the first and second season of Gilmore Girls… How sad. I’m the teenage old woman with three cats and no life. I have written like 5 new blogs since July started…and it’s only the fourth. I either think too much or have a serious problem with blogging. I think I am becoming a blogaholic. I don’t think that they have Rehab for that though. OHH. That made me think of Amy Winehouse. I heard that she has the early Stages of Emphsyma….what a bummer. She really is a good singer. It seems like all the singers from London are awesome. The Beatles, Amy Winehouse, Adele (she’s new) … and I can’t think of anyone else, but the Beatles make up for my lack of knowledge on British musicians. Hmmm … I’m done with this blog now. It’s all just become random typing what pops into my head.
Why to I live? I am such an ungrateful person. I don’t do anything for other people and that doesn’t bother me. That should bother a good person right? Well, why doesn’t it bother me. I should be the type of person who tries to help others and stands up for the underdog. Why don’t I? When you think about it, I don’t do anything positive. I’m not even happy to be alive. A lot of the time I wish I wasn’t, but I have it all so easy. The biggest thing that bothers me is whether or not my boyfriend is thinking about me. I can live. I can breathe. I can think for myself. I can give myself a bath. There are so many people in this world that can’t do that and I can. I can walk, but do I think about that? No. Of course not because I am a selfish bitch who doesn’t care about anything or anyone.
The selfless people who try and save the world. I wish I could be more like them, but I know that I never will be. The thing is that helping people really does make me happy. I mean, I want to be a social worker when I grow up. How can I want to do so many selfless things when I can’t even do charity work. There are so many people in this world that need someone. They need someone to understand them and not pity them. I want to be that for someone. I want to bring someone joy and not because it makes me feel good, but because it makes THEM feel good. I want to be a good person.
The only thing that is stopping me is me though. How is it that people who mental disabilities can be so nice to people, and me, who has everything, can’t talk to her neighbor. A lot of people would tell you that i am a good person and I love them for saying it, but the truth is that I’m not. i’m not a good person. I have became an angry person who only cares about myself. Even now. I can watch a movie and cry, but it’s never because I am sad about what happened, it’s because it makes me think of something from my past. I can’t be selfless for two fucking seconds. Why can’t I just help people?
How am I going ot help people for a living when I can’t even be all that nice to my friends? How am I ever going to be nice? I tend to cling on to things that makes me angry. In the real world I am always feeling sorry for myself. I am always thinking about myself. Sometimes, I just wish that I could be a good person. I just wish I could not be me sometimes.
I want to be someone like Gilbert Grape.
