Today is the nine year anniversary of my father passing and I want to cry so bad. Tonight is also my National Honor Society. It’s crazy to think that it’s been so long ago and if he was alive, he would be there tonight. I wish more than anything that he could be there tonight. I know that everyone is so happy for me and everyone is proud of me for being so strong, but it’s days like this where I don’t want to be strong. I don’t want to keep going. I want to cry all day because my father is dead. I want to crumble up and deal with this. I want to have him, for him to hold me in his arms like he use to and tell me he is proud of me and that I am doing something right. I feel like in a way, I am lost without him. I wish he was here to tell me what to do. I have so many problems in my life and all I want is him to tell me that I will get through this. I want him to be here to help me with college choices. I want him to be here dammit. I want my Daddy and it’s all I’ve wanted for the last eight years.
RIP
R. Bruce Moulding
11.12.51 – 11.19.00
I love you daddy and you are still the most important person in my life. Thank you for watching over me and helping me get so far. Thank you for helping me become who I am. I miss you. I love you. You are my everything. There isn’t a day that passes that I don’t think about you and I know there never will be in the future. I know that you are always watching me and that you are so proud of me and everything that I have done, it was all of you. I’ll always be your BabyGirl.
Filed under: Depression, Insight, love | Tags: Changing, Depression, Drew, fear, Relationships, Sad, self, tears
Wow. These last couple days has been a roller coaster ride. I don’t know how I feel anymore. On monday Drew told me that we would never be together, that he is in love with someone else. Honestly, I was crushed and I still am, but it’s like part of me feels kind of releaved. Like I said, the thing that got me the worst was when he told me that I would have to get over the fact that I wouldn’t have him forever, that I COULDNT have him forever. I feel like in some way, this is a good thing to hear. I feel like this is finally the closure that I have been looking for. It’s taken me so long to let him go and now I feel like he is kind of letting me let him go. He is saying that it’s okay.
I feel like this is almost the way of life telling me that I can have more after him. It’s saying that maybe he isn’t right for me. My whole life, I have been so scared of losing people that I don’t let people go…at all. I HATE when people leave so I simply can’t think of me leaving someone. I think the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do was break up with someone when I knew he was in love with me. I can’t stand the thought of breaking someones heart. When I talked to Drew it always seemed like I was so in love with him and he was in love with me, but maybe now that I look at it, I was in love with him and he loved me, but wasn’t IN love. It hurt so bad when he said that he loved her simply because she is like 15 and he has known her for a year. How could he love her and not me….? He said he cares though and part of me def believes him…
I just feel like I am moving into another stage in my life where I can finally move onto something new. I mean, he is missing out because he is never going to find someone who will love him like I do. He will never find someone who is going to put up with the stuff that I put up with. I am amazing and he is missing out. I am amazing.
I feel like this is coming at a good time too. This means I can take senior year and work on me and really enjoy this. I now vow to love me before I fall in love with another boy. On monday I felt like I wanted to die and I swore to myself years ago that I was never going to think like that again. I’m not going to break promises to myself anymore. This is a new chapter for me. A good chapter.
Filed under: Uncategorized
I pretty much want to die right now.
Drew just told me that he is in love with some girl named Angie.
I can’t believe this is happening again.
I thought it would be different this time.
He said, “You have to realize that you can’t have me forever.” It burns because I know he is right…
Filed under: Uncategorized
Sometimes people make me wonder… I don’t know what to do most of the time. I think I need to just chill out and not stress about the small stuff as much. I mean, if someone doesn’t text me back maybe they are just busy, not mad at me. Breathe.
In.
Out.
In.
Out.
One.
Two..
Three…
Filed under: AWESOME, Concerts, Friends, Insight, love, music | Tags: Amazing, AWESOME, Drew, feelings, guys, happy, life, music
Well, last night was pretty awesome. Party Like Summer had an amazing set (even though I’m a little biased). I was in the front, although it’s not like there were all that many people there to stop me fro being up front. I was a chicken in the beginning and Bradlee walked past me about a billion times, but I was scared so I didn’t say anything. Then after his set I went outside and he was there so we hung out for a little bit and talked. He is a really cool guy and I’m glad that I met him or even texted him in the first place. Thanks Christofer Drew <3 I got tons of hugs and a kiss on the cheek and he told me to call him, which I will.
The only thing that stresses me out about with him is that it’s hard to have actual conversation with him sometimes. I’m not used to having to wait forever for someone to text me back and I don’t mean to be impatient, but it bothers me when he’s like “Im a busy beee” when I know for a fact that he is sitting in a van doing nothing..Lol. Oh well, I don’t need to stress. He is simply a friend.
On an even better note, today was awesome too. I hung out at the house until like one and then went to Drew’s house. We walked around Berkley while he tried to find a job. No luck though. It was nice hanging out with him though. Favorite moment all day : We were sitting on the couch watching tv, my head is on his shoulder, he moves his head down and kisses me. Then after one I turned my head because I thought it was only one and he turns to me and says “I wasn’t done.” and kisses me again. It still makes me smile. It’s just nice to know that the boy I love likes kissing me :]]]
This weekend was amazing.
Oh, I don’t know if I posted, but Groves’ production of Guys and Dolls was AMAZING! I WISH that SL could have shows like that. The Fall Play is this weekend and I hope for the love of Jesus, that it goes well. BREAK A LEG!
Filed under: AWESOME, Alcohol, Concerts, Friends, Insight, music | Tags: Alcohol, AWESOME, Bradlee, feelings, Friends, music, random, songs, Travis
Tonight is supposed to be the night. Tonight is the night I am going to Lansing to see Bradlee. I texted him this morning though and now I am more confused than ever. Nevermind. He just texted me back…. He makes me feel smile and gives me butterflies. I feel like this is some kind of dream though because I mean, what music loving girl doesn’t wanna get with the lead singer of a band? I’m pretty sure every girl does. It’s hot. He told me to come find him before the show, well as soon as I get there. I am so excited to see him in action. He is such a sweetheart and the music is amazing too. I am listening to the song “All We Know” right now it makes my stomach turn, but in a good way. I hope that even if things don’t work out like they do in my head, they still work out well. The whole night is seeming to fall together. I am leaving around like 4 and the show starts at 5:30. Then after the show, well what happens happens and I am crashing at Sarah’s for the night. My mom thinks that Sarah is coming with me. I am a little worried to go alone, but I mean, it’s a bar in Lansing with undiscovered bands playing, what could happen. The only thing I am stressing is that he has only seen me in pictures and when he sees me in person he won’t like what he sees. I am a fat slob in person and I have learned how to angle pics to make me look super good. I don’t know. I need to calm down and not stress out. Thats not what I need right now.
Oh, I’m also a little worried about how Tuesday is going to go. It will be when I go back to school and see Travis. I got a little drunk on Friday and texted him some kinda forward things. I mean, with him, I always wanna give him another shot because he is so important to me and my everyday life. I just don’t want to freak him out like I have a habit of doing with guys… A LOT.
Whatever. I don’t wanna talk about that anymore. I already kind of regret saying that stuff to him. When I think about it I kind of sound like a whore, which I know I’m not, I just have a lot of whore tendencies. It’s just when I see Travis, I think about how he hasn’t done ANYTHING more than holding hands and a simple kiss on the lips and how I know he wants to do more so bad, but doesn’t feel comfortable with a girl enough to do anything. I mean if anyone, he should be comfortable with me right? He trusts me and I am like his best friend. I don’t know. I just don’t want someone to take advantage of him or for him to have a bad first experience with some horrible girl. I want him to have it with me. Honestly, that sounds horrible. It sounds like I am some Dazed and Confused actor trying to deflower the young girls. “Thats one thing I love about high school girls. I keep getting older and they stay the same age.” 
DDD Tsk Tsk Janelle :p
Filed under: AWESOME, Insight, love | Tags: Amazing, Bradlee, Changing, Emotions, life, self
You know how sometimes people say rather small things that make a huge crash on certain people. I just read one of the blogs that Bradlee wrote on the Party Like Summer Myspace an I feel like my soul has been ripped out and typed by someone else. I just want other people to read it too. He wrote:
“I woke up this morning and there was a piece of paper on my floor.
Scribbled on it just two words, “don’t worry”.
I’m not sure exactly when, or if, i wrote this.
But i do know it bugged me a ton.
I thought about those two words all day and came to this conclusion;
Sometimes it seems as a society we spend far to much time worrying about silly stuff.
We tend to over look life’s little beauties because were so wrapped in all of the drama.
Every little thing that we do from switching on a light switch and having the light turn on,
to taking a deep breath and the air around us having just the right amount of gasses for our lungs to filter it thus giving our bodies essential oxygen.
All these things are tiny little miracles that should bring us a ton of joy, but we overlook because were too busy worrying.”
Filed under: AWESOME, Insight, random | Tags: Amazing, feelings, Friends, guys, happy, life, school, Travis
Travis told me to write a new blog so I think I will. This week has been kind of okay. I wasn’t feeling that well on monday or tuesday, so on tuesday I didn’t go to school. I talked to Bradlee all day though :] He is someone that is so awesome. I don’t know what is going to happen with him. He is in a band. Their name is Party Like Summer and the music is super amazing! I’m going to his show in Lansing on sunday night. I am excited to see him <3 Bradlee Meredith is simply amazing… I don’t know what else to say.
I miss Krissy :[
Life is kinda okay now. Drew comes home for good either today or tomorrow. I hope that things work out with us. I’m not willing to let go of him, but I don’t know anymore. I had this really long talk with Grace last night. It was really nice. We talked for like 3 hours after everyone else left Bible Study. Last night was a good time <3
Filed under: Uncategorized
I’m at MSU finally :]
It’s Halloween.
I am ready to get drunk and party.
Drew hasn’t called since he got home.
He’s prob ignoring me.
I don’t care. Whatever.
I am with some of my best friends and I am going to have an amazing time.
I am being a Lion for Halloween. RAWRRRRR.
I’m going to the Cider Mill tomorrow :]
I love Sarah :]
(follow me on twitter if you are reading this @xojanelleybean)
